Family history

[SidLyon]

In another thread people mentioned there can be a family tendency to infidelity.

 

My H's grandfather had 2 families - his wife and 4 children and another woman (my H's grandmother) and their son (my H's father - my father-in-law). My father-in-law was brought up not knowing any of this and believing that his parents were married. He found out only after both his parents had died when he was into his 60s. His father had successfully commuted between the 2 families!

 

My father-in-law left my mother-in-law for another woman who he subsequently married when my H was about 19 years old. My mother-in-law was totally devastated by this and my H was really angry at his father. 10 years later the 2nd marriage broke up and my parents-in-law got back together. 20 years later (now) they still seem very happy although I have heard rumours from mutual friends that my father-in-law was again involved in an affair about 12 years ago.

 

I really don't understand how my H could have done this to his own wife and family after seeing the havoc infidelity wreaked in his own family. Perhaps it is in the genes after all.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

S

[tami-chan]

Role Models. Even though your husband knew your father-in-law was wrong, what severe consequence did he really suffer? None, really. He was able to go back to his "original" family. Besides your husband probably realized, it can be done and people forgive and forget. Or maybe he realized early on that despite the pain, people do recovered from it...so maybe it is really not that of a huge deal-in the grand scheme of things.

[bentnotbroken]

This was also the case with Mr. Messy, family history of infidelity. But, my family history also has more than a few occurrences. My parents worked it out and were married over 40 years before my dad's death. I didn't cheat because I did know it happened. I would never do that to my kids. Though I have done things(yelling and out of control), then I got help. Thank God change is possible if you really want it.

[tami-chan]

Role Models. Even though your husband knew your father-in-law was wrong, what severe consequence did he really suffer? None, really. He was able to go back to his "original" family. Besides your husband probably realized, it can be done and people forgive and forget. Or maybe he realized early on that despite the pain, people do recovered from it...so maybe it is really not that of a huge deal-in the grand scheme of things.

 

oooopppss...i mean, HUGE OF A DEAL...

[Stunned_To_Disbelief]

I have read on this subject, turns out that children of cheaters tend to cheat or at least that is what some work on the subject suggests. But in the end it isn't nature, its nurture or lack thereof.

 

IMHO I still think its all an idividual choice for the Cheater. In our home My parents were both serial cheaters & I knew it fairly early on. (Caught a Parent) My wifes parents have been married for almost 50 years & having talked to many of my wifes siblings, they have never seen any indication of either of their parents cheating emotionally or physically. I was faithful, she cheated. So if you buy into the studies we are a statistical anomaly.

 

If your interested, the book Adultery, the forgiveable Sin,( Bonny Eiker Weil Ph.d ) offers a very good look at this very idea.

[OWoman]

In another thread people mentioned there can be a family tendency to infidelity.

 

Interesting question!

 

My H's father was illegitimate, and so not very big on the notion of M, but was nonetheless devastated when his thenW (H's mother) left him for her OM. H's father went on to be long-term OM to his MW, though he himself had a second GF on the side for a number of years.

 

H stayed with his xW for so long - despite the abuse - because he'd felt devastated by his parents' divorce and couldn't bring himself to do that to his kids: he saw an A as far less damaging. But I think that was more nurture than nature - he's very much a one-woman man and his relief since the D and our M has been immense.