tojaz Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 You are right Tojaz, there are two sides to every relationship, what I meant was even when a person is feeling what they are feeling, they are still capable of understanding how their actions and behaviour effects another person. Part of the reason for a break down of a relationship is when one person chooses to ignore the others feelings. The comment I made probably sounded rather flipent, what I meant was that his wife is aware of her actions and the feelings they would produce in another human being, even while she is feeling how she is feeling. I didn't see the reply as flipent at all. I'm just saying that to her the ends justify the means. She may understand the effect shes having on Derek, but out of her own sense of self preservation, she feels that there is no other way. I see a lot of that in my wife. What appears cruel and inhuman to us (the left) seems absolutely necessary to her (the leaver) anything else would be a serious moral flaw. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I didn't see the reply as flipent at all. I'm just saying that to her the ends justify the means. She may understand the effect shes having on Derek, but out of her own sense of self preservation, she feels that there is no other way. I see a lot of that in my wife. What appears cruel and inhuman to us (the left) seems absolutely necessary to her (the leaver) anything else would be a serious moral flaw. TOJAZ I see that, but at the same time someone knows that it is not necessary to be cruel/nasty/vindictive/hurtful whatever, one can preserve oneself, achieve ones goal of ending a marriage without taking it to the extreme of behaving immaturely, messing someone about and without respect and you are right in doing so they do have a moral flaw. It's closely realted to the moral flaw that made them leave without giving the other person oppurtuiny to right any wrongs first.
tojaz Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I see that, but at the same time someone knows that it is not necessary to be cruel/nasty/vindictive/hurtful whatever, one can preserve oneself, achieve ones goal of ending a marriage without taking it to the extreme of behaving immaturely, messing someone about and without respect and you are right in doing so they do have a moral flaw. It's closely realted to the moral flaw that made them leave without giving the other person oppurtuiny to right any wrongs first. This is only true if they Know how to do this. You are absolutely correct that there are better ways to go about it, but some people do not have the tools at their disposal to do these things in a healthy way. We see that because we have lived on the otherside, experienced the pain, we came here and educated ourselves. They are experiencing pain of their own and are looking for ways to relieve that. Unfortunately they did not follow our path and are dealing poorly because of it. Do you truly believe that I devoted near 13 years of my life to someone who is morally flawed? Should I believe that? I don't, I am upset over what she has done to me, I've made that no secret, but i truly believe that she feels her reasons are true and she see's no other alternative. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I was just at the fireworks show in my little town and saw my wife with the neighbor. I tapped her on the leg when I saw her and she turned but I had our daughter around my neck while I was walking and just kept going. Thats it. She was over earlier today to drop off the kids and we had sex. That was the last time I'll touch her. I WIN!!!!!!! See, I hacked my wifes email a month or so ago and yesterday when I got home I decided to check it. There was an email in there from one of her moms friends and it said, "How are you and your friend doing? I heard he bought a new house and its nice." Last night I confronted her about it ( told her I found out through a mutual friend) and told her it was overwith and she ruined our marriage over the neighbor. Its true...the neighbor has moved out of his house beside me and bought another house. His house beside me has no for sale sign in the yard and is not sold. His house is trashed with **** in the yard so I know its not sold. My question is, how is he affording two mortgages? He can't! He did it so he has a chance to get my wife to move in and he doesn't have to worry about me shooting him in the middle of the night. He 't afford it on his pay but hey...thats his move. She is stringing him along too and she's going to ruin that family too. Its sad Once it sunk in I just saw my wife with the neighbor....I feel good. I have closure!!!!! You would have to see this guy to understand. Its her rebound and she'll eventuly leave him. It hurts but the truth hurts. I'll never check her email again because I don't need to. I'm going to take all the money out of our accout on Monday because she's taking cash advances out and putting gas in her truck to go see the "former" neighbor. Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Should I just go see a lawyer? Can I get custody? Should I just wait for her to file? I think I shouldn't file for the divorce and let her file because she goes to church EVERY Sunday and how would she explain it? I'm hurt, but anyone who could do this is not for me. I'll find better. When she opens her eyes someday she'll see why this guys "200" wife left him and see hes a slob. It's funny actually, how someone could do this and still sleep at night. It's time for me to move on and FINALLY HEAL!!!!! I'm going to concentrate on my business and really make it grow into something that the kids can be proud of. She's still there as I type this watching the fireworks with her new "friend" and I bet she dosen't care at all about what happened. She didn't even say "hi" to her kids. I need to stay strong and see it's all business and nothing more. It's broke and it can't be fixed. Tomorrow is a new day and there can't be a worse day then this. It'll get better and my life will go on. You guys have no clue what she traded me for. It's great justice. She'll see what this guys about and after she leaves him she'll want to come back, but this won't happen. I hope everyone of you have a great night and your advice has been more then usefull. The NC/LC thing can work, if you have a "sane" wife/husband. My realationship is overwith. Tomorrow the sun will rise, the birds will sing, and life will go on.
asuman Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 It sounds like you need to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce, to get this phase of your life over with. Hacking into email accounts is not legal, by the way.
hopesndreams Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I teared up reading this. I am happy for you and I envy you. You are strong. Good luck with the rest of your life, you deserve it.
hopesndreams Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 It sounds like you need to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce, to get this phase of your life over with. Hacking into email accounts is not legal, by the way.
Author Derek12b Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Thanks Hopesanddreams. I had a keylogger on the PC back when she was her and thats how that happened. I was asleep but I woke up in a cold sweat. This has been happening to me almost every night she's been gone and tonight was no exception. I so thought I'd sleep well tonight, having the kids here and all. I was wrong! I was very calm and relaxed when I laid down but I woke up with my wife on my mind. I told myself its for the best and I know it is but I'm still up. I know what I have to do to get over this. I just have to do it.
LisaUk Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 This is only true if they Know how to do this. You are absolutely correct that there are better ways to go about it, but some people do not have the tools at their disposal to do these things in a healthy way. We see that because we have lived on the otherside, experienced the pain, we came here and educated ourselves. They are experiencing pain of their own and are looking for ways to relieve that. Unfortunately they did not follow our path and are dealing poorly because of it. Do you truly believe that I devoted near 13 years of my life to someone who is morally flawed? Should I believe that? I don't, I am upset over what she has done to me, I've made that no secret, but i truly believe that she feels her reasons are true and she see's no other alternative. TOJAZ Hi Tojaz, I didn't mean to cause any offence, I wasn't talking specifically about your wife, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship and how she left you or how she behaved and treated you when she did, only you and her know that, that's always the case, only those in the realtionship know that relationship. I was speaking in a general sense, people have a sense of right and wrong, this sense of right and wrong exists no matter what you are personally experiencing, it's about common sense, that's all.
LisaUk Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Thanks Hopesanddreams. I had a keylogger on the PC back when she was her and thats how that happened. I was asleep but I woke up in a cold sweat. This has been happening to me almost every night she's been gone and tonight was no exception. I so thought I'd sleep well tonight, having the kids here and all. I was wrong! I was very calm and relaxed when I laid down but I woke up with my wife on my mind. I told myself its for the best and I know it is but I'm still up. I know what I have to do to get over this. I just have to do it. Hi Derek, wow you had an eventful 24 hours, the waking up in a cold sweet is par for the course, even though you have accepted that your wife has this OM, and you know what out of the marriage and current situation, you can't just switch your feelings for her off. That's why the cold sweets. It's going to get better with time, it has for me and others say the same, I have finally stopped dreaming about him and waking in the night now. I think once you start LC (as you have kids) for proper you will find it gives you some distance and time for clarity, plus it saves you experiencing further hurt. Personally, I think NC has gone a long way in helping me start to move forward, not that I'm there yet, but I will be. You may find that you will experience a whole other set of emotions now that you know she is gone. Do keep posting, it may help to talk it through with everyone on here.
Author Derek12b Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Here we go again. I went and bought a new truck yesterday and its very nice. I stopped off at my insurance agents office and asked about putting it on the policy and she asked me if I wanted to take off the rental car insurance...I said "What?" I guess my wife, when she went on vacation the second week she left, put it on the policy for the rental car company. It all came back and hit me hard. Then, this morning I went to my mail box and there was a wasps nest in there that was 4in in diameter. I get the mail everymorning and there was none in there yesterday. The neighbor put it in there. He still comes by to feed his goats. I make sure everymorning theres no nests because that was a problem when I moved in so I check daily. Its so sad. I run this business and thats where my checks come in. This will make the mail lady not deliver my mail. He might even be getting my wifes mail out of MY mailbox. I went and talked to the lawyer today and she was not very helpfull. I'm going to go see another one on Thursday. This guys specializes in divorces and custody cases. I texted her after the lawyer to start to figure out about bills. She has not called and I don't think she will. My wife came by on Sunday to pick-up the kids and I had the locks changed. She didn't notice. She asked for some diapers and I told her to go buy some herself. Then I asked for my checkbook back while I was kissing the girls she hovered over the check book for a minute. I looked over her shoulder and she had a check pulled out and off to the side. Ireached over her and grabbed the checkbook and blank check. Its going to get ugly. This girl has been taking me on a ride for 4 months. I hope the lawyer on Thursday has some good advice. After I got out of the lawyers office today I was very dissapointed and hurt by what all has gone on. All of her lies, scheming, and all in all, manipulative behavior. I'm trying to stay strong, and theres times where im like a rock, and then theres times I feel like I cant go on. The new trucks nice and I bet my kids will like it but I just tried to take a nap a minute ago.I laid in bed and just wanted to return it and say I made a mistake. The transmission in my last truck was slipping so I neeede a new one anyway for the business, kids, and just peace of mind. I'm getting better I think but its just going so slow. I got on Match dot com and listed myself,but I had to put separated on there so who knows. Is anyone else on match? If you search for a man thats between 33 and 35, within 20 miles of 47401 you'll see me. My names paradiselooking on there. I would feel so much better If I could go on a date or something. I'm mad as hell but I still feel compassion for her and wish she'd see'd atleast appologize for her actions and show some remorse. I'm having a hard time today running the business and trying to focus.
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hi Derek, I'm glad you posted I was thinking of you today and wondering how you were doing. I'm on match, but have hidden my profile as I started getting e-mail and it kind of freaked me out, not ready yet, just window shopping! I'm in the UK so don't know if I will be able to find you, am going to look now......
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Derek, I'd suggest getting a P.O. Box and having your mail routed there. You're a strong and good man; I'd would have done something evil, slimy, and felonious to this guy weeks ago.
Author Derek12b Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Im in Indiana Lisa. Paradiselooking is my name on there.
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hi Derek, found you on match! Your wife is crazy to let you go! It's nice to be able to put a face to you! Your profile comes across well, I think I put something about honesty on mine also! I think you are being very tolerant of the neighbour! Gorillias advice may help there! Don't take your new truck back, with everything you are going through you deserve something for you. I now this is hard, we are all feeling it with you. Keep posting.
Author Derek12b Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Gorilla...i would love too. This is just what he wants me to do though. Hes a pig that my wife will dump in 6 months. He'll get his. Believe me though...I would love to get him back but if it comes to going to court...it won't fair well in my favor. i took a pic though so if it comes to it I do have some evidence. Its a shame he did that. If my little girl and I went to the mail box and that was there, or she got stung, I would have gone to jail for attempted man slaughter.
Author Derek12b Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Lisa, Im online now. We can IM. I'd love to see your profile
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Lisa, Im online now. We can IM. I'd love to see your profile Sorry Derek but I haven't subscribed so I don't have access to the IM.
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Derek are you there? If you are I will unhide my profile for a few minutes, so you can put a face to the name, although the picture is quite a distant one, unfortunately my ex got the digital camera! Let me know if you have go t this and I will give you my username to search.
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Wow derek, busy day. It does sound like it is going to get nasty, sorry to hear that. Just get a very good lawyer that will protect the interests of you, your company, and your kids. Don't do anything to the neighbor, it will come back to haunt you in court should you have to go. Taking a picture and changing the locks was a good idea, just document it well if he does anything else. I'm on match too. Didn't have a choice. A friend of mine wrote a profile and posted it for me, now she won't give me the password to take it down but forwards the E-mails to me. She says she will give me the password if I send her a picture to put on there, there isn't one yet. It's Tojaz, just like everywhere else if someone wants to read it, allthough I don't think it does me justice. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Derek are you there? If you are I will unhide my profile for a few minutes, so you can put a face to the name, although the picture is quite a distant one, unfortunately my ex got the digital camera! Let me know if you have go t this and I will give you my username to search. :bunny: I wanna see, I wanna see. :bunny:
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Ok, so will unhide it for next 5 mins only, username is lisaj1975
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Yeah im here. tell me when you do it. Just done it, lisaj1975. Am taking the stuff about being new to it out as it sounds c**p and the commited relationship bit, wrote it a while ago, was still very raw!
Recommended Posts