LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Derek, I hope you are doind ok today? Keep posting, you don't know anything for sure yet! Hold your horses, stay LC, keep storng!
TrustInYourself Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Derek, I just read your post. There is no doubt she's cheating. You want her back? Do you really? Shut her down. No contact, no chance for reconciliation. Lawyers need to get involved. Her family and friends need to know exactly what she's doing. What is your objective? Creating consequences. What is your mindset? Clear, focused, and logical. Why? What do you hope to accomplish by accomodating an affair? You are enabling. It's that simple. What does filing accomplish? It forces you both to accept the truth. You are living a fantasy, just as much as she is. You want her to realize how stupid she is being? Do you think that is accomplished by you being more understanding and loving? LOL!? Tough love, man. You must have history or experience being a doormat. Break the cycle, it starts with you and your kids are watching.
hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Derek, I just read your post. There is no doubt she's cheating. You want her back? Do you really? Shut her down. No contact, no chance for reconciliation. Lawyers need to get involved. Her family and friends need to know exactly what she's doing. What is your objective? Creating consequences. What is your mindset? Clear, focused, and logical. Why? What do you hope to accomplish by accomodating an affair? You are enabling. It's that simple. What does filing accomplish? It forces you both to accept the truth. You are living a fantasy, just as much as she is. You want her to realize how stupid she is being? Do you think that is accomplished by you being more understanding and loving? LOL!? Tough love, man. You must have history or experience being a doormat. Break the cycle, it starts with you and your kids are watching. So many of us fall into that trap and then have a tough, very tough struggle getting out. If only I could turn back the clock. Do follow the advice in this post, it's the only way. Really.
TrustInYourself Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Of course it's hard to follow. I have seen the exact same post hundreds of times and it's the exact same thing, just different names. Less than 10% of people do what they should do. They do what they feel is right for them, which is clouded by emotions and lies. You want to cut to the heart of the matter. It's over. Treat it as such. If it isn't, the person who left will be back the moment you show resolve. The moment you show resolve to move on, that's when people start coming back. That's when you realize, you are in control. You run the god damn show. All of these divorcees, with their desire to segregate themselves from taking a chance, are doomed to divorce. Do not be like them. There is hope and that hope lies in believing in your own ability to make happiness over all else.
Author Derek12b Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Tonight I feel like blowing my brians out!! Thats the ****ing truth. I have 1 more beer left in the fridge and I'm gonna drink it and read some other peoples post. It was a BAD day. Of course I wont do any dumb **** but at least I feel like I have SOME control over the situation. Some finality would be nice. I just cant talk to her anymore. I cant talk to her anymore. I cant talk to her anymore. I cant talk to her anymore. my wife came by today to pick up the kids and my oldest said " mommy we want to stay her, stay home mommy." I died right there. I just need to see the good things I have and realize that she is a looser. I run the business, pay the bills, everything. She is doing nothing and I think thats what gets me most. The fact that she can just set at her moms house and not have a job, hurt all of us, and do it with a smile. Time to pop the last beer.
Author Derek12b Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Heres the worst part. I was very short with her today and she asked me multipal times today if anything was wrong and I said no. We're hanging by the car starpping the girls into the car seat when I ask her if she found a job yet and she said no. Then I asked if she was getting an appartment and she said' Is taht what you want me to do?" We hung by the car and hugged. She proceded to tell me she would call tonight and I said ok. I went out tonight and she never called. The hardest thing is the lying. Why tell me something and not do it. I have never told her something and not done it, NEVER! I just wasnt this to end. I need a vacation. The problem witht he vacation thing is, who will run my business if I go? If I let an employee run it I let them get WAY to close and my clients could be taken or bad things could happen. I dont know....I need to just leave but I cant because of the kids. I'm so ****ing stuck its not funny.
Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 What you do there Slick is you find a trusted friend / family member+ a trusted employee and you take a half-hour, hour, two hours just for yourself! And no one else! You print out a list of things for them to keep an eye on. Verify what you expect! When you get back? Double-triple check everything! OK things are such you can't take a vacation, but you work up to it one hour at a time!
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 What you do there Slick is you find a trusted friend / family member+ a trusted employee and you take a half-hour, hour, two hours just for yourself! And no one else! You print out a list of things for them to keep an eye on. Verify what you expect! When you get back? Double-triple check everything! OK things are such you can't take a vacation, but you work up to it one hour at a time! Gunny's right, take a couple of hours, go do something to relax. Go to a spa, go watersking, whatever. Just take a bit of time to chill. You can't have a week, but you can have an hour or two.
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 the person who left will be back the moment you show resolve. The moment you show resolve to move on, that's when people start coming back. That's when you realize, you are in control. You run the god damn show. All of these divorcees, with their desire to segregate themselves from taking a chance, are doomed to divorce. Do not be like them. There is hope and that hope lies in believing in your own ability to make happiness over all else. Please can you have a look at my thread, how do I show resolve when he's 200 miles away, or is NC already doing that? Thanks.
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Lisa, your showing resolve by not calling. It's up to him to wonder about you, and how your doing, what your doing, and who with. Don't be like me, desperate to see her, and then a blubbering bag of stress when you do. Just live your life and fight through it without him. If he's smart he'll call, if he isn't then you wouldn't want him too. Besides, the more I hear about him, the more I think you deserve better anyways. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Lisa, your showing resolve by not calling. It's up to him to wonder about you, and how your doing, what your doing, and who with. Don't be like me, desperate to see her, and then a blubbering bag of stress when you do. Just live your life and fight through it without him. If he's smart he'll call, if he isn't then you wouldn't want him too. Besides, the more I hear about him, the more I think you deserve better anyways. TOJAZ Morning Tojaz, just left you a reply on my thread, wondered if you would be here before work! It's midday here. I think perhaps I am only presenting the bad side of him! I'm not really mentioning his good points! I'm hijacking derek's thread (sorry) talk to you on yours or mine!
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Heres the worst part. I was very short with her today and she asked me multipal times today if anything was wrong and I said no. We're hanging by the car starpping the girls into the car seat when I ask her if she found a job yet and she said no. Then I asked if she was getting an appartment and she said' Is taht what you want me to do?" We hung by the car and hugged. She proceded to tell me she would call tonight and I said ok. I went out tonight and she never called. The hardest thing is the lying. Why tell me something and not do it. I have never told her something and not done it, NEVER! I just wasnt this to end. I need a vacation. The problem witht he vacation thing is, who will run my business if I go? If I let an employee run it I let them get WAY to close and my clients could be taken or bad things could happen. I dont know....I need to just leave but I cant because of the kids. I'm so ****ing stuck its not funny. Lisa, I know there are good points, but don't forget what he has done, thats what I'm refering too. Anybody who would walk away dosen't deserve a devoted wife/fiance/GF whatever. If he comes to his senses great, if not, then you don't need him back, not good for you. Look for someone deserving of your love and commitment rather then someone in it for themselves. (yes I know I should take my own advice, so don't bother pointing that out.) DEREK, Shes messing with you, and it's working. She said she'd call and you waited by the phone. SHE"S NCING YOU! If she says she will, don't expect it. Shes ticked that your going out, shes ticked your not taking her calls, shes ticked your not chasing her! Shes baiting you in. Don't fall for it. Your doing it right, keep it up. TOJAZ
hopesndreams Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 The fact that she can just set at her moms house and not have a job, hurt all of us, and do it with a smile. Behind that smile are her lies and her secrets, and until she can tell you, or you get it out of her, it will continue to be that way. She does want you, she does want you where she wants you. At home, taking care of the kids and waiting for her bullcrap phone calls, and as long as that is happening, she is off in her little world doing what she wants. You are in anguish, but she is pursuing other interests and has left you alone to deal with it all. You need to get the big picture and then you decide what's best for you and the kids. The misery can't go on.
ON MY OWN Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 My heart goes out to you. As long as you let her do this, its convenient for her. IMO I would take her out of her comfort zone and not let her have so much control. If she sees your not putting up with being treated like that she will make her decision. You are prolonging your own misery and robbing yourself of your joy in life. Its your decision in the end, but why do you derserve to suffer so much when your the one who is working to try and make things better for the both of you?
TrustInYourself Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Heres the worst part. I was very short with her today and she asked me multipal times today if anything was wrong and I said no. We're hanging by the car starpping the girls into the car seat when I ask her if she found a job yet and she said no. Then I asked if she was getting an appartment and she said' Is taht what you want me to do?" We hung by the car and hugged. She proceded to tell me she would call tonight and I said ok. I went out tonight and she never called. The hardest thing is the lying. Why tell me something and not do it. I have never told her something and not done it, NEVER! I just wasnt this to end. I need a vacation. The problem witht he vacation thing is, who will run my business if I go? If I let an employee run it I let them get WAY to close and my clients could be taken or bad things could happen. I dont know....I need to just leave but I cant because of the kids. I'm so ****ing stuck its not funny. You're lost cause you choose to be. You're stuck because you choose to be. Control is an illusion, an illusion you refuse to let go of.
LisaUk Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hi Derek, just wondering if you are ok, we haven't seen you for a couple of days, how you getting on?
Author Derek12b Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I've made some bad moves. I contacted her about the insurance for our kids and while we were talking I said, its been 4 months now are you up for talking? She said she would, after I heard her sigh. We met up yesterday and had coffee. At first she was saying it looked like we were both moving on and we were both fine with it. I should have agreed but I told her I wanted it to work out. I'm an idiot. She still thinks she's done nothing wrong and she's wanting to work on things. She was all lovey dovey and we talked for 3 hours. Last night she called and I was out with my new roomate and I said bye and she said bye. I waited and she didn't hang the phone up. Yep...I said I love you and she said it back. I broke my NC rule and set myself back a week. I didn't need to call and ask about ins. I could have waited. I'm typing on my Blackberry and driving so this is kinda hard. She said we should look for a new house together and this will help. See, my business is not 2 years old yet so no one will sell us a new house and she has no job. I would have to sell our home and get an apartment. I will not do this. I'm still in limbo land. I should never have called. She is playing a game and its wrong. She feels no guilt and has no visible signs of remource. I need a vacation.
hopesndreams Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 She said we should look for a new house together and this will help. What does this mean? I'm still in limbo land. I should never have called. She is playing a game and its wrong. She feels no guilt and has no visible signs of remource. She is still playing you like a violin. When are you going to snap her bow? I don't recall, are you in any kind of therapy? It could help you in making a decision on what to do. You will continue to suffer for as long as she wants you to. You have the power to end this pain. She is causing you nothing but grief. I'm at a loss what else to say.
Gunny376 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I've made some bad moves. I contacted her about the insurance for our kids and while we were talking I said, its been 4 months now are you up for talking? She said she would, after I heard her sigh. We met up yesterday and had coffee. At first she was saying it looked like we were both moving on and we were both fine with it. I should have agreed but I told her I wanted it to work out. I'm an idiot. She still thinks she's done nothing wrong and she's wanting to work on things. She was all lovey dovey and we talked for 3 hours. Last night she called and I was out with my new roommate and I said bye and she said bye. I waited and she didn't hang the phone up. Yep...I said I love you and she said it back. I broke my NC rule and set myself back a week. I didn't need to call and ask about ins. I could have waited. I'm typing on my Blackberry and driving so this is kinda hard. She said we should look for a new house together and this will help. See, my business is not 2 years old yet so no one will sell us a new house and she has no job. I would have to sell our home and get an apartment. I will not do this. I'm still in limbo land. I should never have called. She is playing a game and its wrong. She feels no guilt and has no visible signs of remorse. I need a vacation. Yes you do! Between her, the martial problems, the separation, the business, the 'Men In White' are going to come and carry you away! I've been dealing with stress all my adult life! And its coming loud and clear across the wires here with you! 1. Take sometime off ~ if nothing but a couple of hours? At least a day! A week if you can! 2. Get away from it all ~ get out of town. 3. If you can't find a secluded spot where you can log in some downtime for a couple of hours. 4. Get sometime on the 'back forty" with a good dog, a horse, a campfire and a tent! They will love you unconditionally! (Good old Buster and Brownie! Just a couple of mutts I picked up for nothing from the pound! Best of breed! Both of them laid their heads on my thighs and just looked up at me with their most sorrowful "I'm sorrowful" eyes!) 5. Go for a long drive! 6. If your into it? Go for a really long run! 7. If your into it spend several hours at the gym! 8. Avoid drugs, bars, and alcohol! 9. If your really crashing don't hesitate to call a friend, family member to come get you! 10. No friends, family members don't hesitate to call a 'Hot line!" 11. No 'Hot line?" Don't hesitate to call an emergency room, the police, or an ambulance! 12. Don't hesitate to check yourself into a psych ward! 13. PT ~ Strenuous Physical Exercise helps a lot! 14. Cry 15. Cry some more! 16. You're not alone! 17. You're not the first! 18. You won't be the last! 19. Occupy your mind with otherthings! 20. You didn't quit them! They quit you! Your still standing! 21. What one would abuse! Another can certaintly use! 22. Whatever they had to offer? You can find just as good as ~ IF NOT just as much of if not better! Just as much of IF not more! 23. Life is worth living! Life is too freaking short! Get busy living! Or get your happy @zz busy dying! Live life to its top! To its fullest! Don't waste a second on someone that its not worth wasting it on! Too many a good a serviceman and woman have laid down their lives for you to do otherwise! All of them gave some ~ but SOME GAVE ALL! HAPPY 4TH TO ALL! BUT? DON'T FORGET THOSE THAT GAVE THEIR ALL! SO THAT YOU MAY YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE TO ITS 'ALL' AND TO ITS TOP AND TO ITS FULLEST!
Goodguy09 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 i won't give you my story for time's sake, but if you want my background you can read about it... goodguy09... My advise, as I sort of say I'm trying, but seems to be mine is a lost cause... you have to turn the tables. While you (and I) are the 'sad sacks'... the ones wanting to 'talk/fight about the relationship'... the ones doing all the effort... the response from them is the opposite. it's so hard when you are dying inside, but you were probably a slick, confident, desirable person when you met (a.k.a. in her words, when you 'courted her'). So if you want her back, you have to become that person again. When you talk, agree with what she has to say... even if its along the lines of 'things are bad'. When you aren't fighting, or seemingly are caring less, it'll put her in the position of caring more. If/when she starts to see that other 'you' again, and she starts to see the end is really coming, it'll make her see things from a different light. If somewhere inside her she still has the potential to rekindle the love... maybe that will be the spark that makes it happen. If it's really totally and unequivocally over, then you haven't lost anything... and you have perhaps started the moving on for yourself... or at least started to 'convince yourself' that that is what's in your future. I think my case if hopeless (though I'd be a lying sack if I didn't admit that's what I still want)... so I guess I can still benefit from the latter effect. Best wishes.
LisaUk Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I've made some bad moves. I contacted her about the insurance for our kids and while we were talking I said, its been 4 months now are you up for talking? She said she would, after I heard her sigh. We met up yesterday and had coffee. At first she was saying it looked like we were both moving on and we were both fine with it. I should have agreed but I told her I wanted it to work out. I'm an idiot. She still thinks she's done nothing wrong and she's wanting to work on things. She was all lovey dovey and we talked for 3 hours. Last night she called and I was out with my new roomate and I said bye and she said bye. I waited and she didn't hang the phone up. Yep...I said I love you and she said it back. I broke my NC rule and set myself back a week. I didn't need to call and ask about ins. I could have waited. I'm typing on my Blackberry and driving so this is kinda hard. She said we should look for a new house together and this will help. See, my business is not 2 years old yet so no one will sell us a new house and she has no job. I would have to sell our home and get an apartment. I will not do this. I'm still in limbo land. I should never have called. She is playing a game and its wrong. She feels no guilt and has no visible signs of remource. I need a vacation. I have to say I am worried about you Derek. I can hear the stress in your post, hell I can practically feel it. Gunny has given you good advice, I don't think I can add anything to it. You need to start putting yourself and your children first. i do not understand your wife, is she unaware that she is being creul now? What I do know is we can all support you, you aren't alone, like me up until now, you are talking a lot about your wife, what's she thinking, what's wrong with her, why is she doing this? You HAVE to take control back. You need to start focusing on you, not her. We are here to help, talk to us about YOU!
tojaz Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I have to say I am worried about you Derek. I can hear the stress in your post, hell I can practically feel it. Gunny has given you good advice, I don't think I can add anything to it. You need to start putting yourself and your children first. i do not understand your wife, is she unaware that she is being creul now? What I do know is we can all support you, you aren't alone, like me up until now, you are talking a lot about your wife, what's she thinking, what's wrong with her, why is she doing this? You HAVE to take control back. You need to start focusing on you, not her. We are here to help, talk to us about YOU! She is probably unaware. To her, the reasons are perfectly sound and justified. There are two sides to every relationship, and they are both true. It's when people are unwilling to accept the others side when things breakdown. While derek is feeling loss and hurt, his wife is feeling liberation and self preservation. Hopefully they will come back together. Derek, don't beat yourself up over breaking NC, it's a lot harder then it sounds, and it's a lot harder for the one who is left. I couldn't do it, and I tried my hardest! TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 She is probably unaware. To her, the reasons are perfectly sound and justified. There are two sides to every relationship, and they are both true. It's when people are unwilling to accept the others side when things breakdown. While derek is feeling loss and hurt, his wife is feeling liberation and self preservation. Hopefully they will come back together. Derek, don't beat yourself up over breaking NC, it's a lot harder then it sounds, and it's a lot harder for the one who is left. I couldn't do it, and I tried my hardest! TOJAZ You are right Tojaz, there are two sides to every relationship, what I meant was even when a person is feeling what they are feeling, they are still capable of understanding how their actions and behaviour effects another person. Part of the reason for a break down of a relationship is when one person chooses to ignore the others feelings. The comment I made probably sounded rather flipent, what I meant was that his wife is aware of her actions and the feelings they would produce in another human being, even while she is feeling how she is feeling.
hopesndreams Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 She is probably unaware. To her, the reasons are perfectly sound and justified. There are two sides to every relationship, and they are both true. It's when people are unwilling to accept the others side when things breakdown. While derek is feeling loss and hurt, his wife is feeling liberation and self preservation. Hopefully they will come back together. Derek, don't beat yourself up over breaking NC, it's a lot harder then it sounds, and it's a lot harder for the one who is left. I couldn't do it, and I tried my hardest! TOJAZ There has been no remorse for her actions and has suffered no consequences. If both of you do end up back together without dealing with why she left, it would happen again. I think she has you on the back burner, with no regard for your feelings, to give her new life and newfound freedoms (no kids, no job) and whoever she is with a chance of future happiness. When it fails, she will be back. Is she doing this intentionally? I don't know, she might be. I do know selfishness and arrogance when I see it though. If she didn't have those characteristics, she would have set you free months ago.
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