Author Derek12b Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I see my actions last night were not taken as the right ones. Tonight she's gonna call and I'm gonna keep it SHORT. I really like taking the calls though. Okay, so when she calls tonight I should just keep it short right...or should I just let it go and not answer? We do have the kids and if its important she'll leave a message on my voicemail. I just know I have a 50/50 chance on this working. She said we didn't communicate and now I'm cutting communications with her. I'm confused. Anyone that wants to give me a step by step on this would be handy and appreciated. SHould I just let the call go to voicemail?
seibert253 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 WTH, just answer and keep it short. Tell her you're right in the middle of something, don't tell her what it is, just say I can't discuss it right now. End it with I know we both have a lot to discuss, maybe we can get together sometime. Then leave it at that. I really hope she's not setting you up. You know her, you'll be able to tell better than us. Feel her out, but you want to impress with her you're ready to move on if need be. Sooner of later, she's going to have to make a choice and you've got to show her you're moving on to a better you, with or without her.
Author Derek12b Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I'm ignorant when it come to this kind of thing so just go slow and I'll follow the advice. I'm just trying to get my wife back the best way I know how. Thanks for the advice and I'll keep it short tonight.
hopesndreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 You are hurting and so confused you can't see straight. That's why you are here looking for advice. We won't steer you wrong but you know the situation better than any of us and it will be down to you and you alone on what you will actually do. We all make mistakes, but it's important to acknowledge those mistakes and get back on track right away. There isn't much time.
Author Derek12b Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I did it! She called and asked me what I was doing tonight and who I'm doing it with. I told her and she seemed liked she wanted to talk but I told her I was at my destination and I needed to get off the phone and she seemed stunned! I just said by and hung up. Right after I hung up I replayed the conversation 50 times in my head and I'm really wandering if I did the right thing. I hope it works. I hope my wife and kids come home soon. She's a strange girl.
tojaz Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 You did it right. Next time, don't tell her what your doing or who your doing it with though. Shes checking up on you, let her wonder a little. I'm a litttle busy and need to get off the phone will do just fine. If the conversation turns to the relationship, pay attention. If things start to turn bad, get off the phone. The biggest thing to remember is DONT PUSH!!! I speak from experience, and not good experience TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 God I hope this works. I'm sure I made her mad as can be last night but you know....what shes done has made me mad too. She destroyed her family, my family, our family, our marriage, our 30 year fixed mortgage, our kids chance to have a happy home and all trust I had in her.
SRV Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 At this point, I would not even take her calls. She will leave a message if it is important. You being readily available to her is going to work against you. When she calls, do not answer, if she leaves a message take a while to return the call especially if it not related to the kids or important stuff like the mortgage or bills. If she was calling for idle chit chat, she will not leave a message in that case I would call back after a day or two. Be respectful but brief with her, be mysterious, you do not have to give her an alibi where you are, what you are doing or where you are going.
Author Derek12b Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Thanks SRV! This letting go thing is killing me, but hanging on to a woman who dosen't want to save her marriage is too. No matter what, I have to get over this and move on so this had to happen at some time or another. Even right now its killing me. I should be working here at the house but I'm reading and writing in the LS instead. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on and figure out something to do tonight to get me out of the house. How are you SRV?
lupa Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Thanks SRV! This letting go thing is killing me, but hanging on to a woman who dosen't want to save her marriage is too. No matter what, I have to get over this and move on so this had to happen at some time or another. Even right now its killing me. I should be working here at the house but I'm reading and writing in the LS instead. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on and figure out something to do tonight to get me out of the house. How are you SRV? Keep on talking and working through it. Don't get down when you realize it isn't going to work. Just about the only thing that is helping me function is that I'm understanding that I miss the woman I married, not the two headed alien psycho hose beast c*** that is screwing over my life right now. It is like my beautiful wife died and has been replaced by pure, concentrated evil. lol...even the image makes me smile a bit. Try it. It won't happen at first, but think about it...why love someone who would make you feel this way? I still love the old her, but not the current her. I'm starting to dislike the current her.
LisaUk Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Hi Derek I've been following your thread for a few days now and have just spent the last hour re-reading all of it. I've found it very difficult to try and give you any words of comfort or advice as your wifes behaviour just seems very strange! I can't decide if she is truely unhappy and wants out or if she is just playing you to get you to do what she wants in the marriage. You said a while back that she left twice before years ago and came back. Perhaps this is how she communicates her wants and needs, by going, then coming back, like she's making a point. If it is, it is VERY immature, that is no way to solve problems in a marriage. I have some understanding of what you are going through, my ex messed me about for 5 weeks, under the same roof, saying constantly he was going to go ahead with our wedding plans, but his actions were the opposite. He called a halt to the plans, he was up and down the whole time, but always insisted he wanted me above everything. As we had been together for 18 years, although I feared he was leaving me, I believed his reassurences. Then he just left, no explanation, nothing. After he left, he has given me mixed reasons, all contradictory, it still doesn't make sense, don't think it ever will. All I know for sure is that he walked away without trying to resolve anything, didn't give me a chance, didn't tell me of any problems he had until after he had gone and would not talk about reconciliation. In your case, there are similarities and differences. Your wife is messing you about, but she SEEMS willing to try? I don't know what to advise you, I need to give it some more thought, my main reason for posting was to let you know you are not alone, not sure if that helps, but thought I would say it anyway.
Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Lupa, Your words sing so true. I believe we ALL are holding on to the memories of our past and completely ignoring the present. Yes, we all were in love with our W or H, but that was then, and this is NOW. For whatever reason, they are not the same people. Some morph into psycho hose-beasts filled to the brim with pure evil. Others into selfish children. Either way they are not the same people we are pinning over. We long for what used to be. I should know... I am smack dab in the middle of "where the hell did my wife go". Derek -- You are doing the right thing. You cannot chase after her. You need to man up and prepare yourself for a new life with or without her. Mourn your dead relationship and prepare yourself for a new and wonderful future. If she wants to be a part of that, then she can tryout for new team. You may find out that she won't make the cut anymore. Good luck bud.
Author Derek12b Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Here we go again. I'm pacing the house and trying not to think about my situation but its hard. I just went on a motorcycle ride to clear my head but it doesn't work. I really hope I'm doing the right thing with this NC/LC thing. It was so hard to tell her I had to go last night. I could hear when I told her "I need to get off here" that the suprised "oh...ok." In fact, I could see the expression on her face without being there. I guess I've nothing to loose because what I tried before wasn't working. I wonder if she'll call tonight? I wonder how I'll handle it if she does....I wonder how I'll handle it if she doesn't? My whole family is on the line with this strategy. Like I said, Im pacing the house so I'm going downtown to eat some indian food and then I'm going to hang out and go to open mic night at a little bar here in Bloomington. After that I'm just going to hit every bar I can. Thats what I've done very night this week and last week. I hope you ALL have a good night and I do watch this thread while I'm out. In fact, I wrote to Broken Hearted and updated my thread last night. If anyone feels like $hit...just write me on here and I'll post back. I feel like $hit too, but theres moments while I'm out that it leaves my thoughts. Even if its only for 10 or 15 minutes....its a start.
tojaz Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Keep it up Derek. Don't worry about thinking about it. You can't stop that. The trick is to not let it control you. Your gonna win some and your gonna lose some of these situations (I'm losing big time right now) but keep up the fight. Eventually you will have a moment that you realize that you aren't thinking about it and actually enjoying yourself. Thats not the end, but it's a stepping stone. Stick to it man, we are all pulling for you. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 My wife didn't call last night but I was actually expecting that. I went out last night and closed the bars down in Bloomington. I had a good time I guess...I'm learning what a good time is all over again. I wanted to call her so bad last night and I know she had her damn phone setting right beside her waiting for me to breakdown and call her. I can't call for anything now. This girl has got to understand that she destroyed everything around her and she needs to beg like a dog for my forgiveness. She has damaged so many peoples lives I'm not sure if she can fix it. I'd love it if she could but that time might of passed already. I know, I talk a good game and right now I'm in town eating becuse I CAN'T be at the house. I won't call! She really needs to think about all the things she's done and not have me in her ear TELLING her what she's done wrong and then shutting down. Its hard writing a story on this Blackberry.
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hi Derek, stay strong. hope you are ok, thinking of you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Detach, NC, and stay away from this woman. she's not worth it. If she wants to call fine, but you need to stop thinking about her.
tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My wife didn't call last night but I was actually expecting that. I went out last night and closed the bars down in Bloomington. I had a good time I guess...I'm learning what a good time is all over again. I wanted to call her so bad last night and I know she had her damn phone setting right beside her waiting for me to breakdown and call her. I can't call for anything now. This girl has got to understand that she destroyed everything around her and she needs to beg like a dog for my forgiveness. She has damaged so many peoples lives I'm not sure if she can fix it. I'd love it if she could but that time might of passed already. I know, I talk a good game and right now I'm in town eating becuse I CAN'T be at the house. I won't call! She really needs to think about all the things she's done and not have me in her ear TELLING her what she's done wrong and then shutting down. Its hard writing a story on this Blackberry. Derek, your doing the right things, keep it up. You have the righ attitude here. Just let her be, and let her think (trust me she is) the more you harass her, the more it reenforces why she left in the first place. Keep that in mind next time you go for the phone. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Today was a day filled with food, beer, and a movie. I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not but now I can't turn back. I've had some moments of weakness today but I tried to just keep my goals in mind. the wife should call tonight to talk about arrangements tomorrow for our 2 little girls. I came home today and look around. I noticed my house has turned into a bachelor pad. Where I use to put fresh fruit for my family is now filled with empty beer cans. Where my wife kept her perfume is now clutterd with my razors, shaving cream, and two bars of soap that are to small to use. I have yet to throw them away. I cleaned up the upstairs for my friend that moved in and I found all kinds of my wifes stuff. I hated cleaning it. It was the last place that was untouched after my wife left and now I've desecrated it. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so mad...so hurt...so....ashamed of what has happened to my family. I'm still a mess and want this to end. When I get mad i feel so much stronger, but times like right now I just wish my wife was laying on the couch with her head in my lap and me rubbing her head. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it, but I do. I'm drained right now. I'm never home and I've been out everynight this week. Its so tough. I'm gonna read some of the other posts now. I just need to remember what she has done and not what my heart thinks I need. I hate this thing she's turned into.
tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Never ignore your heart bud. It knows best. Unfortunately what your heart wants dosent exist right now. Your heart wants what she was, your mind knows what she is. Only time will tell which will triumph. Your making all the right moves. Just keep it rolling. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Tonight the wife called and I kept it down to just a couple of minutes. Remember, on Tuesday she called and I told I had to go and she was suprised. She didn't call on Wednesday but tonight she did. I kept it short and she asked me where I was and who I was with. I told her I was in town. Then she asked where, and I said I was at a bar. Then she asked which one I was at. She asked me if something was wrong and I said, "no, everythings great." I asked her if she wanted anything and she said no she just wanted to say "hi." Then she told me she was going to call tomorrow and I said "Yeah, you can say good night to the kids." After that I said "I'll see ya later," and hung up. No goodnight, no miss you, and NO I love you. I bet shes starting to think. If she really wanted to end it she wouldn't call at all and this would be her way out. I don't call her and she always calls me. I felt good after that. I felt empowered! I still love the woman I married, but I don't love the girl on the other end of the phone. Goodnight Tojaz, LisaUK, Sufferin_Succotash, hopesndreams, broken hearted, Mark982, Lupa, Gunny376...oh yeah, good night John Boy!
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 OUTSTANDING! SIMPLY OUTSTANDING! WAY TO GO! WAY TO MAN UP! Its really just this freaking plain and simple! If she's gone? She's already gone and she not coming back! She's already made her mind up, and there's no changing it! Believe me on this one! Take a 'fool's advice. Be it the DW or any other woman? Your not going to gain her attraction by being a supplicating fool and chasing after her! The more you chase, implore, try to reason with her, beg, cry her a 'freaking river' the further and faster she's going to run away. And it will be you that's driving her away. Bars? WTF? You want your wife back and your going to bars? What do you think your going to find in bars? Even if you found some HB10 (Hot Bade 10) One-night-stand? What's that going to make you feel like come the next morning! Drinking and then driving! What's the matter with you! Don't you have enough misery in your life already without a DUI. Here in the Deep South you get arrested for DUI and can't make it to your job? Guess what? Your out of a job! The Bachelor Pad House! Yea right! You get your @zz busy to cleaning up the place 'spic and span'! The last thing you want is the DW coming over and seeing that mess! You've got her thinking, "What's he doing, and who's he doing it with?" And then she comes over and see the "testimony" of the truth about you and your life without her. You better snap out if and get your 'game' on Mister! And lay off the booze be it wine, whiskey or beer. I'm here to tell you! It stops nothing! It un-does nothing! It changes nothing! It prevents nothing! It does one thing and one thing only! Make things worse than they already are. Your can allow yourself one and only one pity party per separation/divorce! You've had yours! Now get out there and get busy living your life! Get your @zz out there busy living life! Its not the end of your life! Its the end of your marriage? From the time your born? Till you die at 70? You've only got 25,000 or so days? Personally? I don't have a single one to waste on any one single individual! Especially someone who doesn't want to be with me! I'll be damned if I'm going to beg someone to let me love them! I'll be even more so to beg them to love me! Life really is to fraking short!
ON MY OWN Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Hi Derek I've been following your thread for a few days now and have just spent the last hour re-reading all of it. I've found it very difficult to try and give you any words of comfort or advice as your wifes behaviour just seems very strange! I can't decide if she is truely unhappy and wants out or if she is just playing you to get you to do what she wants in the marriage. You said a while back that she left twice before years ago and came back. Perhaps this is how she communicates her wants and needs, by going, then coming back, like she's making a point. If it is, it is VERY immature, that is no way to solve problems in a marriage. I have some understanding of what you are going through, my ex messed me about for 5 weeks, under the same roof, saying constantly he was going to go ahead with our wedding plans, but his actions were the opposite. He called a halt to the plans, he was up and down the whole time, but always insisted he wanted me above everything. As we had been together for 18 years, although I feared he was leaving me, I believed his reassurences. Then he just left, no explanation, nothing. After he left, he has given me mixed reasons, all contradictory, it still doesn't make sense, don't think it ever will. All I know for sure is that he walked away without trying to resolve anything, didn't give me a chance, didn't tell me of any problems he had until after he had gone and would not talk about reconciliation. In your case, there are similarities and differences. Your wife is messing you about, but she SEEMS willing to try? I don't know what to advise you, I need to give it some more thought, my main reason for posting was to let you know you are not alone, not sure if that helps, but thought I would say it anyway. Hi Derek, Can you both read ( LISAUK ) "Trading one engagement for another". I know first hand the pain both of you have endured, and frankly dont understand how people treat people like that and rest easy at night, it really baffles me ya know? My sistuation was a lot like Lisa's in the back and forth and some explainations that sounded just like a person giving up. Why have ppl become so disposable these days? OP, It does sound a bit manipulative to get you to do what she wants, a marriage/relationship is a 2 way street, your feelings count too!!!
ON MY OWN Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Here we go again. I'm pacing the house and trying not to think about my situation but its hard. I just went on a motorcycle ride to clear my head but it doesn't work. I really hope I'm doing the right thing with this NC/LC thing. It was so hard to tell her I had to go last night. I could hear when I told her "I need to get off here" that the suprised "oh...ok." In fact, I could see the expression on her face without being there. I guess I've nothing to loose because what I tried before wasn't working. I wonder if she'll call tonight? I wonder how I'll handle it if she does....I wonder how I'll handle it if she doesn't? My whole family is on the line with this strategy. Like I said, Im pacing the house so I'm going downtown to eat some indian food and then I'm going to hang out and go to open mic night at a little bar here in Bloomington. After that I'm just going to hit every bar I can. Thats what I've done very night this week and last week. I hope you ALL have a good night and I do watch this thread while I'm out. In fact, I wrote to Broken Hearted and updated my thread last night. If anyone feels like $hit...just write me on here and I'll post back. I feel like $hit too, but theres moments while I'm out that it leaves my thoughts. Even if its only for 10 or 15 minutes....its a start. I feel like $hit, thats for sure, going to get my stuff on Sat, from a place that was mine and my ex fiances, very sad, if you read the post under break ups I think, the one I posted a few minutes ago will explain a little. Doesnt seem like too many people really understand. All the empty promises etc, HORRIBLE!! Be careful to treat yourself right though, ya know take care of yourself...know what I mean? My heart REALLY goes out to you.
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Today was a day filled with food, beer, and a movie. I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not but now I can't turn back. I've had some moments of weakness today but I tried to just keep my goals in mind. the wife should call tonight to talk about arrangements tomorrow for our 2 little girls. Weakness, doubts, can be constant at times, but keep looking toward what you are trying to accomplish and by not swaying, with each passing day, it will make you stronger and it will get the message across to her that you are not at her beck and call and you are out living your life. I came home today and look around. I noticed my house has turned into a bachelor pad. Where I use to put fresh fruit for my family is now filled with empty beer cans. Where my wife kept her perfume is now clutterd with my razors, shaving cream, and two bars of soap that are to small to use. I have yet to throw them away. Not good. Easily remedied. Get cleaning. Buy some fresh fruit. Get everything in order, that helps clear your mind as well. Don't put it off, it will only get worse and then you'll have to call in the junk truck. I cleaned up the upstairs for my friend that moved in and I found all kinds of my wifes stuff. I hated cleaning it. It was the last place that was untouched after my wife left and now I've desecrated it. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so mad...so hurt...so....ashamed of what has happened to my family. I'm still a mess and want this to end. When I get mad i feel so much stronger, but times like right now I just wish my wife was laying on the couch with her head in my lap and me rubbing her head. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it, but I do. I'm drained right now. I'm never home and I've been out everynight this week. Its so tough. I'm gonna read some of the other posts now. I just need to remember what she has done and not what my heart thinks I need. I hate this thing she's turned into. Sounds like you need a break from going out on the town. Relax on the sofa, watch a little telly, bake a cake, read a book, take a walk. There's loads of stuff you can do around the house, and out in the yard. Do some self-reflecting, cry, yes cry, get it out! Do you have a journal? I write whatever thought that comes into my head in mine and when the pages are filled I just throw it away. Keep to the plan. Give it time, have patience, if she truly loves you she will bite and then there's a whole other game plan if she does.
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