mark982 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 there ain't noone on this world worth doing yourself in!! give that gun to a trusted friend,seek counseling, get busy living. also think of your children,do you want to subject them to being fatherless? there's more at stake here than you and your wifes problems.
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Hopesndreams we have a lot in common. My wife didn't leave me for anyone else...but she left none the less and there's no end to this in sight. She is hot/cold just like your husband and every time we get close to something good she does something to sabotage the whole effort. I feel for you and what your going through. I'm trying to stay strong through this, but for the life of me, its the hardest thing I've ever done. My wife and I were talking every night but we have since stopped the everynight 9:30 phone call. I'm glad we stopped because I was pushing things and we just had nothing to talk about. I'd get mad and she'd close down. I think this will help on all fronts. Maybe she just needs some REAL space. I don't know. Its my last option and if anything will work, this will. I have the house and she lives at her moms house. She quit her job over a month ago and still has none. I still own and run my communications business. I also let a friend I met in college move in with me last weekend and he helps me keep my mind off of my love life. Tojaz, thanks for the advice and your understanding. I just really have some bad nights. I'm going to try the NC/LC thing and see if this works. We're to have a date this week but I bet it'll be just like all our other dates. We'll have a great night but it still won't mean ****. I hate to say its time to let her go but it really feels like that time now. In our 8 year realationship, (I have 6 years on my first post but its been 8) she left twice and came back, but this was years ago and I thought that since we had kids, bought a house, and were financially secure, this would not happen again. I was WRONG. mark982, you are so right. It's just seems like that for a second...I have control over something in my life thats not contolled by my wife. I really do feel SO much better when I read about other people in the same situation and seeing how they cope. I feel for every person on here going through a tough time and admire the other people who just get on here to give some advice. Now for the advice! Should I even go on the date? I mean really, it has done nothing yet but cause pain and lets her know she is still wanted. Maybe I should change my strategy. Some one give me some coaching on how to pull her back in. Thanks
Gus Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You don't HAVE to COURT her - that's something that only YOU can decide to do or not do. I find it so sad when one partner is a mess but expects the other partner to just sit back and wait until he / she gets his / her together. Why should you put YOUR life on hold and let her call all of the shots. If your kids are with you now, NOW is the time to go to the court and file a legal temporary custody claim. I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but this might be considered maternal abandonment. Find out if there is a Father's Rights group in your area. These guys are great. I think the annual fee is $200 or less and they have real attorney's on staff and will give you all of the help, support and info that you need for a helluva lot less than hiring an attorney on your own. She's not only abandoned you, but it sounds like she's abandoned the children as well. I'm a female and chose NOT to have kids but it makes me angry when I see how some women think it's their God given right to make men jump thru hoops and do what THEY want the men to do until the woman decides what she wants. Just get it taken care of LEGALLY!
hopesndreams Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Now for the advice! Should I even go on the date? I mean really, it has done nothing yet but cause pain and lets her know she is still wanted. Maybe I should change my strategy. Some one give me some coaching on how to pull her back in. If you promised to take her on that date, then it's good to keep a promise. If you do take her on the date, do not mention another "date", do not mention her coming home, do not mention any of the relationship problems. Talk about the kids and lots of mundane stuff, like the weather. Smile often, let her notice how you are paying very close attention to whatever she has to say. Do not speak of anything personal between the both of you and do not talk about the future. Do not say "I love you", do not say "I miss you"....It will only remind her that she doesn't feel the same way about you, at this time. Well, that takes care of date nite. Be emotionally detached, but don't act like a robot. Let her see that you are getting on with life, without her, and you are a strong person taking care of you. and the children. It's good that you do recognize you are pushing things and that she needs space. Don't lose sight of that when you are with her. As time goes on, envision your life without her. I don't know if you do this, but do your best about getting those scenarios out of your head that she will jump into your arms, say how sorry she is for everything she has put you through and then live life happily ever after. What she has done has destroyed a big part of you. You have huge emotional wounds and unless she is willing, on her own, to help heal those with you then she's not worth having around.
tojaz Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Go on the date, but treat it like a first date. No talking about the relationship at all. Don't ask for a second and then go NC and see what happens. It kind of sounds like she wants it to work, but it also sounds like she expects you to do all the heavy lifting. One person can't save it on their own. When she's not getting all the attention you have been giving her, you'll find out what she really wants to happen. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I had my girls this morning and just took them to daycare. I laid in bed with them this morning while they were sleeping and just let it all go. I cried like a baby and it made me feel better. I've cried more in the last 4 months then I have in my entire life. When I dropped the kids off at daycare a little while ago they cried and I cried. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive my wife for the things shes done and how shes handled herself over the course of this separation. I wish I lived in town so I could go out more but I live in a log home in the middle of NOWHERE, so its hard to go out because its 30min to anyplace and 30min back. I feel like I've done all the trying, all the working, and all the crying a man can do to save his marriage. I love the thought of my wife now and I'm doing some real soul searching to see if I love her and not the thought of her. My situation is again starting to effect my work. Now that I see that this will probably end in "D" I'm starting to get those same feelings I did after it sunk in that she moved out. Right after I finished that last paragraph I paced around my house thinking about the NC/LC thing and need to be working to satisfy my clients and make this business continue to run smoothly. Its a real bitch right now.
broken hearted Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I feel the exact same way you do about everything! It's really tough for me because I am of work for the summer and all I do all day is sit around and think about this nightmare and pray for my husband to come back home...I love and miss him so incredibly much!!
mark982 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 gotta agree with what toejaz wrote. just take her out like it was your first date. act like you did before,be the man that won her heart.go out and have fun. can't hurt.
lupa Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I had my girls this morning and just took them to daycare. I laid in bed with them this morning while they were sleeping and just let it all go. I cried like a baby and it made me feel better. I've cried more in the last 4 months then I have in my entire life. When I dropped the kids off at daycare a little while ago they cried and I cried. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive my wife for the things shes done and how shes handled herself over the course of this separation. I wish I lived in town so I could go out more but I live in a log home in the middle of NOWHERE, so its hard to go out because its 30min to anyplace and 30min back. I feel like I've done all the trying, all the working, and all the crying a man can do to save his marriage. I love the thought of my wife now and I'm doing some real soul searching to see if I love her and not the thought of her. My situation is again starting to effect my work. Now that I see that this will probably end in "D" I'm starting to get those same feelings I did after it sunk in that she moved out. Right after I finished that last paragraph I paced around my house thinking about the NC/LC thing and need to be working to satisfy my clients and make this business continue to run smoothly. Its a real bitch right now. Brother, the only thing keeping me going right now, well two things really, are posting here, and setting very specific goals. VERY specific. Not like, "I want to take up boxing" I mean like, "I'm going to call mom, and she's going to help me clean the garage." I know you are stranded, so you actually have to make an appointment somewhere you need to keep. Tomorrow I am going to the lawyer to organize myself and be able to be on the offensive if it goes that way. I no longer trust anyone, so I am going to cover my own ass. I have an appointment. Also, I have arranged for my good friend to come in from out of town. I'm not telling my wife...she may or may not already know. I'm not sure. When he gets in, we are going clothes shopping for me, then we are going out on the town. I know that sounds a little effeminate, but meh, who cares? Look good, play good...I always made the soccer teams I coached keep their shirts tucked in, even in practice. When I play golf, I like to wear slacks like the pros do, instead of shorts like amateurs. So, I'm going to look good, and then I'm going to enjoy myself. He and I are going to go test drive cars. Why not? I might be in the market if the divorce lawyer says it would be better for me to take on more debt right now (yes, I'd buy a car to screw her out of money in a settlement...I don't want it to go there, but there has to be some kind of recrimination for her actions). So, I have another appointment. I haven't been able to ride my bike, I can't run, I can barely even work around the house because I can't escape my own head. Only having to be somewhere has saved me so far. Do you have an appointment you can make? A checkup with a doctor? A chiropractor? Maybe call an old friend or something? Understand that it helps break up the week...it doesn't make you feel better, but it does give something to look forward to. Man, this all sucks so bad...if you were here, I'd just give you a hug and tell you it will be ok.
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Lupa, feel for ya. I did let a friend of mine move in last week and it helps, but I feel bad for him watching me mope, but hes here because he quit a good job for a life change so he's dealing with things too. Tonight hes not going to be here though, hes staying at his familys tonight. So, I'm going to go see Comedy Carivan at Bears Place in Bloomington. It sounds like you have some plans too. I went out almost everynight last week and I'm going to do it again this week. You still think about them all night but you have glimpses of fun and what life was like before. Its funny. Last week I was having a beer at the bar and I was talking to a girl outside. She asked me about myself so I started and not two minutes into the conversation I was talking about my wife. I'm an idiot. As long as I stay active, and see that there is life out there, I'll be okay. Broken Hearted....I really hope your husband comes home too. I'll take that hug now Lupa.
lupa Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Lupa, feel for ya. I did let a friend of mine move in last week and it helps, but I feel bad for him watching me mope, but hes here because he quit a good job for a life change so he's dealing with things too. Tonight hes not going to be here though, hes staying at his familys tonight. So, I'm going to go see Comedy Carivan at Bears Place in Bloomington. It sounds like you have some plans too. I went out almost everynight last week and I'm going to do it again this week. You still think about them all night but you have glimpses of fun and what life was like before. Its funny. Last week I was having a beer at the bar and I was talking to a girl outside. She asked me about myself so I started and not two minutes into the conversation I was talking about my wife. I'm an idiot. As long as I stay active, and see that there is life out there, I'll be okay. Broken Hearted....I really hope your husband comes home too. I'll take that hug now Lupa. I'm a dude. Yipes...
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 At the end I was referring to "broke Hearted" the user about the husband thing.
lupa Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Lol...I understand now. I thought you were saying you were broken hearted... See? Guys just don't know how to communicate! Why can't women just understand that and try to work with us a little?
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I feel the exact same way you do about everything! It's really tough for me because I am of work for the summer and all I do all day is sit around and think about this nightmare and pray for my husband to come back home...I love and miss him so incredibly much!! This was what who I was talking about at the end. Maybe I should have separated that a little better.
LisaUk Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Lol...I understand now. I thought you were saying you were broken hearted... See? Guys just don't know how to communicate! Why can't women just understand that and try to work with us a little? My ex worked in communications, but could not communicate! Think of the ironey!
Author Derek12b Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Tonights the 4th night of no phone call from her and its close to the time she use to call. This, letting her go thing, is just as hard as the first realization that she was gone. I've had some time to prepare but I guess this is the next stage. I'm not sure if this is going according to her plan of getting rid of me or if its the beginning of my plan to get her back. Either way it is the next step. I'm sick of the emotional roller-coaster that I've been on for 4 months and want it to end but I don't want it to end with me loosing my wife. I just feel like theres no fight left in me. I wander if she's gonna call about our date? I wonder is she still cares? I wonder if she's planning to get her own appartment? I wonder what she is going to do about daycare? I wonder if she's having a good time without me tonight? I'm planning to go out tonight with my friend and having a drink or two. Being around a lot of people helps.
hopesndreams Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'm sick of the emotional roller-coaster that I've been on for 4 months and want it to end but I don't want it to end with me loosing my wife. I just feel like theres no fight left in me. It's been 4 months for me as well. You don't want to lose your wife, I don't want to lose my husband. You say you have no fight left, and it can certainly feel that way but doing the LC/NC shows that there is still fight in you. It's really tough, but it does pay off. It will make her interested in you and make her wonder what you are up to. Her curiosity will get the better of her. You know, she has had you where she has wanted you for so long and she's been so comfortable with it and it's time to show her she can't just have it her way anymore! This isn't Burger King, it's your marriage, your family, there is so much at stake and she needs to experience what life would be like without you. Stop wondering what she is up to. It does you no good. She's living her life, you live yours. Have patience and when you do have her reaching out to you, do not rush it. Take it very slow and wait for all the signs of her wanting to get back with you before you do or say anything in regards to the relationship, otherwise you go back to square one. If she doesn't reach out, you are making steps in the right direction for freeing yourself from her. Enjoy your nite out.
tojaz Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Tonights the 4th night of no phone call from her and its close to the time she use to call. This, letting her go thing, is just as hard as the first realization that she was gone. I've had some time to prepare but I guess this is the next stage. I'm not sure if this is going according to her plan of getting rid of me or if its the beginning of my plan to get her back. Either way it is the next step. I'm sick of the emotional roller-coaster that I've been on for 4 months and want it to end but I don't want it to end with me loosing my wife. I just feel like theres no fight left in me. I wander if she's gonna call about our date? I wonder is she still cares? I wonder if she's planning to get her own appartment? I wonder what she is going to do about daycare? I wonder if she's having a good time without me tonight? I'm planning to go out tonight with my friend and having a drink or two. Being around a lot of people helps. Having answers to the questions dosen't help any. I have my papers, staring at me from across the room. She has found an apartment. Dosen't get any easier. Just more questions. Just when you think it will, another loop in the roller coaster. Not trying to bring you down, just a fact. I'd kill for four months, I went from her telling me shes unhappy to filed in a month. Never had a chance. Keep your eyes focused at that light at the end of the tunnel, it gets closer every day. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Having answers to the questions dosen't help any. I have my papers, staring at me from across the room. She has found an apartment. Dosen't get any easier. Just more questions. Just when you think it will, another loop in the roller coaster. Not trying to bring you down, just a fact. I'd kill for four months, I went from her telling me shes unhappy to filed in a month. Never had a chance. Keep your eyes focused at that light at the end of the tunnel, it gets closer every day. TOJAZ Me too, 5 weeks of my ex messing me about, stringing me along, then 9 weeks start to finish on the legals. Derek12b- Hang in there, KEEP FIGHTING, you don't want to give up on this, this is your family, it's way too important. Think through EVERY deicsion you make, don't jump in, think before you speak and act, don't answer any of her questions you are uncomfortable with, I did, now I regret it as he used my answers agianst me, twisted them., I just trusted him too much, never thought he could or would be like this towards me. Just take your time with everything, hold things up some how if you have to, just don't give in, you can do this!
tojaz Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Me too, 5 weeks of my ex messing me about, stringing me along, then 9 weeks start to finish on the legals. Derek12b- Hang in there, KEEP FIGHTING, you don't want to give up on this, this is your family, it's way too important. Think through EVERY deicsion you make, don't jump in, think before you speak and act, don't answer any of her questions you are uncomfortable with, I did, now I regret it as he used my answers agianst me, twisted them., I just trusted him too much, never thought he could or would be like this towards me. Just take your time with everything, hold things up some how if you have to, just don't give in, you can do this! Nobody does. Would yo have been together if you thought this was possible. You cannot trust someone you love too much, that IS love. If someone is willing to take advantage of that, then thats a fault on their part. TOJAZ
Author Derek12b Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Last night I was out on the town like I said I was going to do and at 9:30 my cell rang. It was the wife. We didn't have a verbal agreement about the NC/LC thing but I just thought this was the way it's going to be. I had a GREAT conversation with her and we talkked for 15 to 20 minutes about nothing important just random things and laughed. Let me take that back. It was very important stuff we talked about because it showed we can still laugh together. I can be attentive to things outside of our current situation and she was still into talking to me. I was SO not expecting that phone call. She didn't mention anything about our date this week and neither did I. I figure when she's ready she'll ask about it. Now for the next step. I need some advice here on this one. When we were getting off the phone she said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and I said, "that would be nice. I'd like that." At the end of the conversation I said the usual "I love you" thing and she said it back. How should I approach tonights conversation? Hopesndreams and Tojaz said I should go on the date, so thats why I answered my phone last night. She said she'd call tonight and I believe she will so I'm just gonna keep it VERY light. Gunny376 threw me some links on courting and romance and I got some very good ideas from them. Should I not say "I love you" at the end of tonights conversation? If I don't say it she will wait on the phone until I do. If we talk and I say "bye" and she says "bye" she'll not hang up the phone until I say it. Should I not and wait for her to come around and say it? There was no real reason for her call last night but it was very nice and it made my night. I don't want to read into this to far because....well theres just to many things that can go right or wrong here. Am I giving her the attention she needs to keep me holding on or is she really trying to keep the lines of communications going so we can work on having good talks? This can go either way here and I don't know which way it will go. These are tough questions that I don't know the answers too. It did make me feel good last night when she called. It only took 4 days of not calling her to get my random call last night.
broken hearted Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'm so sorry that your wife is giving you such mixed signals! My husband is doing the same thing. Last night was an absolutely horrible horrible night for me, I sobbed uncontrollably almost all night and got about 2 hours of sleep. This whole thing just keeps spinning round and round my head every minute of the day and night. I know everyone keeps saying NC and they are saying the same to me but that is close to impossible in my situation since my husband wants to see my son almost on a daily basis. I have found that when my husband is pleasant and semi-loving with me that showing it back makes a positive effect but when they are being angry and nasty with you, go very little contact until they come back around. I wish so much that your wife would come back to you and be a family with you and your children and I wish my husband would do the same. This person that my husband is right now is a total stranger! I don't know where my husband went!
hopesndreams Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I think you spent way too much time on the phone with her. You should have told her you were busy (which you were) and kept the convo brief. You are giving her too much ego feed with the laughter and light-hearted chit chat and it's advisable to stop doing that. It's time she fed your ego. You have it confused that because she initiated the call that she is there for you and wants to perhaps work on things in the future, but to her way of thinking, she still sees you as someone who is there at her beck and call and someone to throw bread crumbs to. You are reading too much into that random call. To her, it was just a phone call to check up on you and not to deal with any serious issues, like why the hay she is hell-bent on destroying the marriage and family. Sure, baby steps from her towards such an outcome you want is wonderful, but you can't be sure at this point that that is what she is doing. We didn't have a verbal agreement about the NC/LC thing She is not to know about your plans and tactics on winning her back, or the other scenario of moving on without her if NC/LC doesn't work on bringing her back. These are game plans you keep to yourself, she is not to know. There was no real reason for her call last night but it was very nice and it made my night. Unfortunately, that is a temporary feeling and before you can say rumplestilkins you will be back to feeling like cr*p. Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. I'm sorry this is not the stuff you want to hear, but I have been there many times and you have too, don't forget. Do not tell her you love her. What has she done to make her deserve that? She has to earn it. Make her work for it. Show her you are moving on with or without her. Sometimes a person will finally realize their mistake and know what they are losing only when the the other person retreats. So show her you have retreated and good chance it will draw her in closer to you, close enough that it will make a difference.
sinatra Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 This is some of the best most well thought out advice I've read in a while. If I were you I would come back here often and re read the post to help you stay on task. It's pretty basic, but very hard to put into practice for an extended period of time. You're also in a pretty good spot because there still is communication. I envy you. Hopesndreams if you would have time to hit my thread and give me your opinion it would be much appreciated. Good luck to you Derek12b
Gunny376 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I think you spent way too much time on the phone with her. You should have told her you were busy (which you were) and kept the convo brief. You are giving her too much ego feed with the laughter and light-hearted chit chat and it's advisable to stop doing that. It's time she fed your ego. You have it confused that because she initiated the call that she is there for you and wants to perhaps work on things in the future, but to her way of thinking, she still sees you as someone who is there at her beck and call and someone to throw bread crumbs to. You are reading too much into that random call. To her, it was just a phone call to check up on you and not to deal with any serious issues, like why the hay she is hell-bent on destroying the marriage and family. Sure, baby steps from her towards such an outcome you want is wonderful, but you can't be sure at this point that that is what she is doing. We didn't have a verbal agreement about the NC/LC thing She is not to know about your plans and tactics on winning her back, or the other scenario of moving on without her if NC/LC doesn't work on bringing her back. These are game plans you keep to yourself, she is not to know. There was no real reason for her call last night but it was very nice and it made my night. Unfortunately, that is a temporary feeling and before you can say rumplestilkins you will be back to feeling like cr*p. Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. I'm sorry this is not the stuff you want to hear, but I have been there many times and you have too, don't forget. Do not tell her you love her. What has she done to make her deserve that? She has to earn it. Make her work for it. Show her you are moving on with or without her. Sometimes a person will finally realize their mistake and know what they are losing only when the the other person retreats. So show her you have retreated and good chance it will draw her in closer to you, close enough that it will make a difference. WTF! Buy you books, pencils and paper! Send you you to school and you still don't know anything! You've got the supply! She's got the demand! Man up!! What she abuses? You can bet another can use! Its not what you have to offer her? Its what have to offer her! You seriously need to tune into WIFM! "Whats In It For Me!"
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