Part two - why do men constantly change their minds?

[Quest4clue]

Please refer to the general forum under "why do men constantly change their minds" to get a grasp of where I have been in this.

 

If you read through this thread you will see that things were rocky as to any decision from my H regarding having a child together.

 

Things have only gotten worse.

 

The last six months have been living hell for me, since he told me he wanted to have a child together.

 

My gutt told me all along this was never going to happen, and apparently I was right.

 

Last time I posted I think we were in the stages for going for testing. I did mine, everything went great. He went to see the specialist for first consult about having the reversal done. He went for his required physical and tests required for the surgery.

 

But all through that time, it has not been easy. There has been no communication by him at all. When I would ask him now and again if he was ok with everything he said he was. I have shared with him my feelings of "being in this alone". He kept assuring me everything was fine and he wanted this also.

 

Than, come closer to the surgery he started saying how he worried about the pain involved. So i was supportive about that. he already had a V so he knows what to expect as a VR is the same pain.

 

Than when he was done with that topic, it was finances and how he worried he could not support another.

 

Our finances are tight but it's not like we can't afford to put food on the table. He makes it sound like we will starve.

 

Than, it was that we needed a new furnice which costs about 5,000.00 and if we paid for a reversal we could not buy a furnice right now.

 

Than it went from a new furnice too, putting in geo thermal which costs 25,000.00.

 

More and more I found myself getting withdrawn and depressed. I did not know how to talk to him and it appeared like he is grasping and straws to come up with a good way out of not going.

 

I reached my fill just awhile ago when he went to the bank to apply for a loan to put in the geo thermal and told me the reversal would have to be put on hold right now.

 

I told him my feelings and how important this was to me. I also told him I did not understand the flip floppy behaviour and how if we can't affor to feed another, that we could afford 25,000 for heating. The furnice we currently have also works just fine but he wants to buy a 95 percent efficent one to save on heating. But could that not have waited???

 

I ask him "why now" why did you not mention these other things till three weeks before your surgery? He does not really have an answer.

 

Unless I am completely stupid, my H does not want to be a man and tell me he screwed up and never wanted another child and was only letting his insecurity and booze talk that night...and never has had the balls this past six months to put his money where is mouth is. ????

 

As a result of all this, things between us are the ****s right now. All i do is cry and wonder what the hell is going on and when he is home he pouts around with the "poor poor me" attitude.

 

I feel so hurt, I could leave.

He acts like he is doing his best and that I am a selfish bitch.

 

I have no other choice but to accept having a kid together is never going to happen. I just don't think he is being fair about this. He could have at least been honest rather than put me through six months on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

He changed his surgery three times these past few months for various excuses. I went along with it in hopes he would come around.

 

April 9th was to be his date. I have not called the clinic to cancell AGAIN because i just can't take the pain of this any more.

 

So today i sent him an email and told him this, and that he could make up his own mind what he wanted and call the clinic himself to cancel or rebook. I was done with all this, because I just can't take it anymore.

I also asked if he could please let me know his intentions sometime so i know one way or another.

 

I got no responce as usual.

 

I know I will never get an answer.

 

Is he having an affair or something? I just do not understand him.

After all this I just feel like leaving........... I am so depressed I can hardly function.

 

I have a very high paced stressful job and this added stress has not helped any.

 

To better clarify things....... he also did this with our marriage.

Asked me to marry him gave the big rock and than when the day came he runied everything by acting llike he is now with the reversal.

 

I just about left him than and probably should have.

 

And now this........ which is equally just as meaningful.

 

If he has issues or not is beside the point. You would think he would know better than to open his mouth and tell me he wanted something he never did, when knowing all along it has been always what I have wanted right from the beginning. He is in his forties but sometimes remindes me of a four yr old.

 

Can some of you shed some insight on this? Am I being out of line or what the hell is going on here?

[flash582]

Men are not nearly as complicated as you think they are.

 

1.) He is chicken about going through the surgery

2.) Having a child would make you happy, and that's the only reason he brought it up

3.) He probably doesn't really want to have more kids.

4.) He won't discuss it with you because he knows it's a deal breaker and he'll lose you if you knew he really doesn't want to have kids.

 

And he's hoping it will all just go away.

 

Put your foot down if you feel strongly about it.

 

Surgery by the end of summer or you're out of there.

Stick to your guns .... leave an apartment guide laying around by accident about July.

Separate your finances, now. Get a job if you need to so you can be independent.

Don't discuss it or argue about it no matter how much he tries.

 

The choice is up to him at that point.

 

Your other choice is not hold out much hope to have children going forward.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think he's ready to be a father.

 

Btw, have you personally priced Geothermal heating packages? Google a few. A 5 ton one costs under $10K.

[Quest4clue]

I guess i'm just trying to make some sence of why this happened.

Maybe I am being outof line for feeling the way I do. I should have

known better.

 

Yes, we have looked into geo thermal. We need a six ton furnice and the quotes we got all came in over 20,000

[GorillaTheater]

I won't lie, reversals hurt like hell. A vascectomy was a walk in the park in comparison. But we've had four kids since then, and the sheer joy I take in them makes the temporary pain (a week of not wanting to even move) insignificant.

[carhill]

His mind has never changed. It's merely his words which have adapted to the dynamic at hand.

 

I tell my female friends this all the time. If a man wants something, he goes after it with zest. Waffling is a clear sign that he's not on-board. Take that as an answer

[Quest4clue]

Than why say you do want to in the first place? Why go through with all the tests and requirments to do so? Why give someone hope if there is none? It makes no sence.

 

If I did not want to do something, I would not be telling my H otherwise.

That is just wrong.

 

I guess what I would like is an explaination or for him to simply admit he screwed up.

 

Telling someone you want to have a child with them is serious biz.

He needs to step up to the plate.

[carhill]

Men talk to get what *they* want. Words are just a means to an end. Hence the phrase "smooth talker".

 

Watch his actions. They never lie.

[Quest4clue]

Than why did he take the "actions" he did and go through a pile of tests and see a specialist in prep for surgery if he never wanted a child in the first place?

 

You would think if his actions were speaking louder than words, he would have never gone to any of this length in the first place if his intentions were that he did not want a child.

 

So, what your saying is this was all a pile of bs that was fed to me so

" he could get what he wanted "? What is it he wanted than?

A very hurt and unhappy wife because off all this?

Cause that is what he has!!

 

Why lead someone on for six months only to have this as a result in the end?

 

It makes no sense at all.

[carhill]

Actually, it does make sense. You're still around

 

I see this with female friends all the time. The man will feed them just enough validation and understanding to keep them on the hook. Yep, take the tests...

 

It sucks but some people are like that. They may not even "mean" to be, but just are.

[Quest4clue]

I may still be around but beleive me, I am the most unhappy I have ever been.

 

Last summer, things we rocky for various reasons. Than he pulled this **** on me, and like a dumb ass, I fell for it hook line and sinker. It gave me a lot of hope to look forward too and happiness.

 

Now that things are where they are, I feel as thought life has just rewinded backwards and we are now back to summer 2008 except I am twice as unhappy.

 

I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. If I could stop moping around and crying over this it would be a real bonus.

 

It does not seem like he cares.

 

I have not got an apology or anything.

 

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have said the following day that I was only thinking about it and that I did not mean I actually wanted to do it. I would not have told that person to get the ball rolling, and go for tests, ect right up till the bitter end. I would never have went. Period.

 

To me this is a huge marriage deal breaker.

 

He should have thought about what he was doing, in the event he did not go and how this would effect his wife.

 

It is no wonder there is such a high divorce rate now days.

[carhill]

Trust me, as a guy who will be 50 in a couple months and who's always wanted children and could not have any, I feel your pain and frustration.

 

The only way to change the circumstances is to change yourself. Accept who he is and decide if that is how you want to live the rest of your life.

 

True marital commitment and love is two people working together as a team, mindful of each other's needs as well as their own, and facing challenges is a single unit. I call it the philosophy of challenge and support. I may have my own opinions and perspectives and habits and eccentricities, but you know I will always have your back when the chips are down and we're in the maelstrom, and I know the same applies for you.

 

IMO, if you can't find that common ground with your spouse, to not divorce does a disservice to both of you. Wish I had better news

[Quest4clue]

It is good to know someone else knows how it feels about not having children. Your a man also, and that makes your comments even more helpful. I thank you for that.

 

He most certainly is not making any effort to help resolve this at all, is avoiding me like a bad illness, and in fact is acting like he is the victim.

 

This has gotten me to the point of complete unhappiness, and I also am avoiding him the same way.

 

I truly feel he is the one who started this whole thing. He should be the one to make up for it or at least try to be a loving husband.

 

Like, what did he expect to happen here? I'd just say "that's ok dear....we pissed around for six months and I got my hopes up for nothing, but water under the bridge"?

 

If I would have hurt him this way, I think I would be trying to find a way to help console him. Be there for him. Share his pain. After all...is that not what a good loving relationship is all about?

 

We all can make mistakes. But it is the actions we take once we make them that makes all the difference.

 

How much do you want to bet that my H does not even buy the furnise that me is making the huge priority in his life right now, to get out of the surgery? I bet it dies off also..... it was only a last ditch effort to get out of his mistake.