Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I'm working on it. The main issue is finding single guys in my heavily coupled up area. I've had a friend suggest setting me up w/ someone she knows, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm not interested in online, bars or numbers. I can understand the disinterest in the online, bars and numbers game. You sound like me, in that we prefer our own comfort zone of "like" individuals. When I was younger, the bar scene was fun but not once did I ever date or go home with anyone met at a bar. Not my thing, although it's something that a lot of other people enjoy. That's not a knock. Everyone is different.
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Well, you cant lump everyone thats single into 'guys that sit around and hope women knock at their door' anymore than you can call women in the same position 'future cat ladies'. You actually CAN try, and just not meet anyone, and after a while - it sucks and you need to whine. We all do, thats really what these forums are about. I have a question for the women here. I hear 'we want to have our cake and eat it, too' a lot from females. My ex would admit that she was being unfairly selfish 'I know I want to have my cake and eat it too, but...' like she was totally ok with it. Do you really think its acceptable to have this perspective? I promise not to argue or beat you up about your response, Im really just curious, because I hear it a lot, and the people saying it dont seem to mind that it implies being somewhat selfish or asking a bit much. BCCA at least you are trying, you are putting yourself out there and you are going for it. DON'T STOP don't get discouraged it WILL happen. I have a friend who is single and on a dating site, that free one, and we went on there to look for guys for her and I was looking at random profiles and some men were saying things like "if you like what you see contact me" or "send me an email I won't bite, I promise to respond" or what have you. My friend who is attractive and getting hit on left and right by guys on this site is not even noticing these profiles. I am thinking, "why would an attractive woman even bother looking at random profiles let alone contacting guys first when she has I hundreds of guys already making the move to snatch her up? The guy who's profile says "contact me I won't bite" is sitting there waiting for a woman to come along in the least threatening and already laziest medium to approach a woman and he still is too insecure to take the initiative, guys like that get eaten alive in the real world. Meanwhile the women they want are out on dates with the guys who go for it, who might not even be better than them but they simply had the guts to take a chance. So if you are average looking the chances are even less because all the good looking guys don't sit back and wait, they go for it. So really men should think twice about sitting around waiting to be asked out, every opportunity is a chance at love. All you have to do is take it.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I have a question for the women here. I hear 'we want to have our cake and eat it, too' a lot from females. My ex would admit that she was being unfairly selfish 'I know I want to have my cake and eat it too, but...' like she was totally ok with it. Do you really think its acceptable to have this perspective? I promise not to argue or beat you up about your response, Im really just curious, because I hear it a lot, and the people saying it dont seem to mind that it implies being somewhat selfish or asking a bit much. I'm not certain I honestly understand that phrase. Maybe you can explain it to me within the confines of your interpretation.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Well, I have to point something out. Men say this: "if you like what you see contact me" or "send me an email I won't bite, I promise to respond" because MOST of the time, women get 100 times as many emails, and dont respond to 90% of them. So, why not add a line like that JUST IN CASE someone was thinking of sending you an email. He could very well be sending out emails, too. If hes really expecting women to flock to him, hes a fool, and is going to be on there forever. TBF, when someone says they want to have their cake and eat it, too, do you consider that a realistic perception to have? Meaning, do you think its ok to want yo have your cake and eat it, too, or is that asking too much? Sorry if this still doesnt make sense
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Oh I'm not that bad, I'm just not exactly polished. I wear makeup and perfume, comb my hair and wear form fitting but not overly tight clothes. I just don't wear eyeliner or straighten my hair everyday, know what I mean? Ohhh ok, ok I got the impression you were walking around in an overzized old sweater that had sleeves twice as long as your arms, dirty ripped up jeans and matted dreadlocked hair and a scwol on your face. That paints a totally different picture. You sound like a natural beauty, which in fact is very appealing don't say "grunge" silly! Try a more feminne approach though wear skirts and heels sex it up a "little" bit. Not trash it up, but sexy it up to feature more of your femine traits. Guys love that if it's subtle. My best friend was the worst in schlepping it every single day, she was gorgeous but was always in the same track suit and messy hair tied up in a ratty ponytail and her track pants were tight and showed off her great very curvy sexy body but they were always filled with her long hair and lint she just looked so unkept and like she had thrown in the towel, smind you she was depressed and it showed. But also complained she could not find a man, well duhh! Why would anyone want to approach someone like that? It shows you might be depressed or your life is not in order, and that's not attractive to anyone. Look presentable even if you have nothing to present.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 BCCA, plse put it into context of Isolde's dating situation. I suppose one way of doing so, is the exact illogical requirement that I have. That I choose, but expect that particular man to approach. Is this what you mean? Keep in mind that with my fiancé, in some ways, he did the initial approach by helping me out. And yes, he's confessed to such, after the fact. What he wasn't thinking about, was that I would drive off without talking to him but since I was so worried about getting stuck again, I wasn't going to stop and have a convo with him, once I was out of the rut.
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Well, I have to point something out. Men say this: because MOST of the time, women get 100 times as many emails, and dont respond to 90% of them. So, why not add a line like that JUST IN CASE someone was thinking of sending you an email. He could very well be sending out emails, too. If hes really expecting women to flock to him, hes a fool, and is going to be on there forever. Intersting. So you honestly think that adding that to a profile will double your chances of getting women to respond? Really think about it. I am not even dating but when I see that I can't help but laugh and think this guy sits on his ass waiting to be approached, no wonder he is single.
Woggle Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Women want you to choose them as their number one out of a multitude of other choices. If she feels that she is special and she has something these other women don't have that goes a long way.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Intersting. So you honestly think that adding that to a profile will double your chances of getting women to respond? Really think about it. I never said doubled, or even increased. But it cant hurt, thats my only point. And again, you dont know that this guy is sitting on his butt simply because he added that to his profile. I think youre being a bit harsh to the guy. I mean, whats the harm? Just so I know, did reading that give you the impression he just sat on his butt and waited? I wouldnt add it, personally, but Im just curious. TBF, I guess the point I was making is that I personally couldnt hear myself saying 'I guess I want to have my cake and eat it, too' without thinking I was just being selfish and asking for the moon.
Alan430 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Polly Wag, I recently joined one of those dating sites and i think they are horrible. It just seem like women have some unrealistic expectations for men. Most of the cute even semi cute ones want a Extremly Good looking guy, that part times as a comedian and part times as a world travel. Oh and for a hobbie sky dives naked, and wrestles alligators. It seems like there maybe about 10 guys in the world that can fit some of these womens wants. Women seem to want perfection and its a huge discouragement. Even saw one where her title was "Rich handsome man wanted"! People say its easier to date in your 30s but i am not seeing it at all. And i honestly believe i am an overall better package then most women have or go for.
Stockalone Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 TBF, I guess the point I was making is that I personally couldnt hear myself saying 'I guess I want to have my cake and eat it, too' without thinking I was just being selfish and asking for the moon. I believe that you misunderstood what they meant with "have our cake and eat it too". The way I understand it, TBF and Isolde are saying that they don't ask men out but that they want a man to approach them. Obviously, they also want the right man (the one they would pick if they would approach men) to notice them and eventually approach them. Hence, they pay attention to the men in their environment and if there is someone that catches their interest, they "encourage" that man (by giving him various subtle or less subtle hints). And hopefully, the right guy will pick up on that and approach them. I don't think that is selfish, nor do I think "having your cake and eating it too" is even a fitting phrase for that behaviour. 100% illogical explanation here. I don't think that is illogical at all. It makes perfect sense.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Stockalone, your take on it actually makes more sense, and doesnt seem the same as what I was thinking. I guess just hearing the phrase makes me think of my ex wanting me to be her friend after she dumped me. Like, she totally knew it was SO selfish and sucked for me, but was perfectly fine with the fact that she wanted to 'have her cake and eat it, too'.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I believe that you misunderstood what they meant with "have our cake and eat it too". The way I understand it, TBF and Isolde are saying that they don't ask men out but that they want a man to approach them. Obviously, they also want the right man (the one they would pick if they would approach men) to notice them and eventually approach them. Hence, they pay attention to the men in their environment and if there is someone that catches their interest, they "encourage" that man (by giving him various subtle or less subtle hints). And hopefully, the right guy will pick up on that and approach them. That's it exactly Stock!
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I recently joined one of those dating sites and i think they are horrible. Well, for men, we are definitely at a disadvantage. Women get TONS of emails all the time, and guys pretty much get none. So, women can weed through guys and decide if they want to respond to anyone, while guys send out 100 emails and are lucky to get more than a few responses. There is also a problem with having all these 'checkboxes', and making sure anyone you show interest in fits a mold youve created, which is probably unrealistic. Also, think about it, it doesnt take a 'perfect' match to make a relationship work. For example, I smoke, and would prefer someone who either did as well, or was ok with it. BUT I would be fine with someone that did neither, but didnt insist that I absolutely quit just for her to talk to me. I also prefer someone with the same religious beliefs ( or lack thereof, in my case) but am fine with someone who is tolerant of others. Checkboxes are a killer. You never find the 'perfect' person, and even if they are on paper, they could be a total douche in real life. And someone who may seem all wrong on paper could end up being EXACTLY what you were looking for.
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Polly Wag, I recently joined one of those dating sites and i think they are horrible. It just seem like women have some unrealistic expectations for men. Most of the cute even semi cute ones want a Extremly Good looking guy, that part times as a comedian and part times as a world travel. Oh and for a hobbie sky dives naked, and wrestles alligators. It seems like there maybe about 10 guys in the world that can fit some of these womens wants. Women seem to want perfection and its a huge discouragement. Even saw one where her title was "Rich handsome man wanted"! People say its easier to date in your 30s but i am not seeing it at all. And i honestly believe i am an overall better package then most women have or go for. I hear you Alan, I think the entire thing stinks. I've said this many times before, that online dating has ruined dating because it creates a lot of unrealistic expecations but that's what happens when you allow people to have so many options you lessen the interest level and people become eternally dissatisfied with what they get thinking "I wonder if someone EVEN better is out there". Trust me on this go out to events and meet women in person Alan, women are so much more receptive to being asked out in person. You can showcase yourself a lot better in person than on a computer screen. Don't pick the lazy easy cheesy route. Find a good a cause you feel passionate about and attend their charity events, it is the BEST way to meet great people who will share your interests and passions in life. Get involved in their volunteer programs or attend their events, I think that is the best way to meet people in your city. Out of curiosity what age group are the women you have seen this? Still though all things considered, and back to online dating I think you have a much greater odd at getting attention if you are doing the pursing and really putting effort into the process than if you sit back and wait for a woman to come your way, NOT going to happen. You will get women coming your way I think online but women that are far far under your league. Women who are below demand tend to be more agressive because otherwise they won't get noticed. Most women who are in demand can pick and choose, and of what I have seen I haven't seen too many women that are super below demand, meaning they are very over weight or just very unattractive. They all seem average and above average looking on paper so they will have a lot of options.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Pollywag, for me its women in their twenties. And as far as Im concerned, most of them have pretty unrealistic expectations to start with. "I wonder if someone EVEN better is out there". So true. And then one day, its too late, and plenty of good guys have gotten away.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 TBF, I don't mind meeting individuals that have certain differences from me (for example, I wouldn't mind meeting someone sporty where I'm more artsy), but I do want someone educated and professional, with integrity and a bit of quirkiness. Given the above, I'm willing to meet them in ways that may not be comfortable necessarily. But not in bars or online. I tried dating one person I met at a bar a while back. It wasn't bad, but I still want to focus on other avenues.
Loxx Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 TBF, I don't mind meeting individuals that have certain differences from me (for example, I wouldn't mind meeting someone sporty where I'm more artsy), but I do want someone educated and professional, with integrity and a bit of quirkiness. Given the above, I'm willing to meet them in ways that may not be comfortable necessarily. But not in bars or online. I tried dating one person I met at a bar a while back. It wasn't bad, but I still want to focus on other avenues. that is a nice wraper. Say you find someone that meet those descriptions and is below average looking? Or meets those descriptions and makes very little money?
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Pollywag, for me its women in their twenties. And as far as Im concerned, most of them have pretty unrealistic expectations to start with. So true. And then one day, its too late, and plenty of good guys have gotten away. Think about it this way. If we didn't choose the guy at least implicitly, we'd be far more likely to regret our choice and go after something we feel is better. Most women don't run away from a good guy they've decided to commit to. If they do, they have serious emotional issues or were never in love in the first place. On the other hand, where it's just dating that hasn't yet evolved into an R, they don't owe you anything. In conclusion, TBF and I mean we want to choose the guys that choose us . We weren't saying anything about choosing guys and then ditching them in search of some mythic "better."
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 that is a nice wraper. Say you find someone that meet those descriptions and is below average looking? Or meets those descriptions and makes very little money? That wasn't supposed to be a run down of my preferences. I was just trying to point out something to TBF about how I want to meet people. That's all.
BobSacamento Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Yes I think this thread just confuses more people than really settling anything lol. I always thought women loved to plan! I'm lost now.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Think about it this way. If we didn't choose the guy at least implicitly, we'd be far more likely to regret our choice and go after something we feel is better. Most women don't run away from a good guy they've decided to commit to. If they do, they have serious emotional issues or were never in love in the first place. On the other hand, where it's just dating that hasn't yet evolved into an R, they don't owe you anything. In conclusion, TBF and I mean we want to choose the guys that choose us . We weren't saying anything about choosing guys and then ditching them in search of some mythic "better." My apologies, I actually wasnt reffering to you two specifically there, just the women Ive met in general. You two seem to be very honest and realistic, I wouldnt critique the way you decide on who you date. I wouldnt date any women who was interested, either. Cant blame you there.
Stockalone Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I guess just hearing the phrase makes me think of my ex wanting me to be her friend after she dumped me. Like, she totally knew it was SO selfish and sucked for me, but was perfectly fine with the fact that she wanted to 'have her cake and eat it, too'. I agree with you. Maybe some actually think that is a good idea. And maybe some couples actually make it work. Honestly though, and that is probably my pride talking, but who in his right mind would be happy to be relegated from bf to emotional crutch? That's it exactly Stock! In theory the concept sounds very simple. Actually picking up on the clues in real situations, is quite difficult. When is it a sign of interest and when is it a woman just being friendly? But using those little clues is what my first gf did, although I wasn't really aware of it at the time. Or maybe I was, and that was the cause for that thundering voice in my head, urging me to talk to her.
385 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 pollywag - You need to post more. I like the way you think.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I agree with TBF's "irrational" explanation. I pre-select, and then want him to approach me. But at the end of the day, I am the one making the final choice.
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