Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 This is an interesting theoretical kinda question. As a woman, do you want to feel like you chose your SO, or that he chose you? Obviously, both people have to "choose" one another for a relationship to happen, but which would you want to be predominant? And why? While these days, women have become much more picky (probably excessively so), there's still a sizable minority, that would be perfectly happy to just be chosen.
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When I am dating I like to be approached by a man, but ultimately I choose. I won't date a man just because he chose me.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 While I would NEVER date someone just because he chose me, I'd rather be chosen, all other things being equal, because my intuition isn't very well developed. Unfortunately, I'm also relatively picky.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Here is my theory: Women want to be chosen by a guy they have 'pre-chosen' initially. No woman wants to be approached by a random guy at a bar, they want the cute guy at the end to come up and talk to them. I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I dont think women generally just want anyone walking up to them looking for a date. And now a days, women are somewhat exessively picky, but you cant blame people for having standards.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Women want to be chosen by a guy they have 'pre-chosen' initially. This is exactly what I was trying to say, but couldn't quite word it. We want to have our cake and eat it too In the situation that I had three prospective dates (I never have that many guys lined up, but let's just pretend, for the sake of argument), of which I'd date any of them, I'd rather be selected by one, than choose myself. This is probably somewhat due to the fact that I'm not very experienced, so I'd rather play it safe until I trust my intuition more. I do agree that women choose more in the beginning of dating, men choose whether to actually go with an R. I would never want to be in the position of starting an R.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 100% illogical explanation here. I prefer to choose but want my choice to approach me. Numbers don't mean anything to me. I only want to be approached by my choice. So...that means he has to figure it out first.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 We want to have our cake and eat it too Thats been my experience
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 100% illogical explanation here. I prefer to choose but want my choice to approach me. Numbers don't mean anything to me. I only want to be approached by my choice. So...that means he has to figure it out first. Thats kind of what I was trying to get it. Waiting for guys to 'figure it out' usually doesnt work, though
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 100% illogical explanation here. I prefer to choose but want my choice to approach me. Numbers don't mean anything to me. I only want to be approached by my choice. So...that means he has to figure it out first. YEAH!!! Exactly. Here's to having imaginary cake and devouring it Except in your case, it's real, yay!
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Thats kind of what I was trying to get it. Waiting for guys to 'figure it out' usually doesnt work, though Haven't had any problem yet! And now, I don't have to worry about it anymore, although I've never much worried about it in the past.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Haven't had any problem yet! And now, I don't have to worry about it anymore, although I've never much worried about it in the past. Really, you didn't worry about dating? What's your secret???
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 YEAH!!! Exactly. Here's to having imaginary cake and devouring it Except in your case, it's real, yay! You do have to give some signs of interest, as subtle or as bold as your personality dictates. Hence flirtation through eye contact and body language, before he approaches. Then when he does approach, add flirtatious language and light touch to the mix.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Really, you didn't worry about dating? What's your secret??? I haven't been a numbers person for years and years. While in school, that was different between relationships. If you think about it, for the last two years, I've only dated/been involved with 9 guys. Not exactly speed dating.
Bells Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Thats been my experience Yes, and probably why most single women will wind up "Cat Ladies"
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Women want to be chosen by a guy they have 'pre-chosen' initially. No woman wants to be approached by a random guy at a bar, they want the cute guy at the end to come up and talk to them. WRONG! I love to be approached by random guys anywhere, even when I am taken this happens and I don't mind at all. But ultimately I like to have the choice of saying I am flattered but no thanks, or yes here's my number. I don't think it's wanting your cake and eating it too, I think it is wanting to hold off for the type of man that is best suited for us. Personally, I prefer men that are self-confident who go after what they want. The typical "hunters" type of men and it has nothing to do with money or great looks or anything material, just a man that feels confident enough in what he has to offer as little as that may be that he will approach a woman he finds appealing. This is how I have always met men. Some of the least attractive men I have fallen in love with had so much charisma and drive in this sense I was completely taken a back by their energy, SO SEXY!. A man that sits on his butt whining about how he can't meet any women, and hopes that women will be knocking at his door for is not the type of guy I find attractive. It denotes qualities that will later prove be too passive in the realm of the relationship and how he handles life in general. No thanks! I prefer to be protected by my man, not be made to be his mother/baby sitter.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Yes, and probably why most single women will wind up "Cat Ladies" Well isn't that marvelous. Good advice from a guy who has great luck with the ladies. You're in the relationship of your choice, right? Or...maybe...not...
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 i haven't been a numbers person for years and years. While in school, that was different between relationships. If you think about it, for the last two years, i've only dated/been involved with 9 guys. Not exactly speed dating. i've gone on zero dates in 2009. So depressing.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 A man that sits on his butt whining about how he can't meet any women, and hopes that women will be knocking at his door for is not the type of guy I find attractive. It denotes qualities that will later prove be too passive in the realm of the relationship and how he handles life in general. No thanks! I prefer to be protected by my man, not be made to be his mother/baby sitter. Well, you cant lump everyone thats single into 'guys that sit around and hope women knock at their door' anymore than you can call women in the same position 'future cat ladies'. You actually CAN try, and just not meet anyone, and after a while - it sucks and you need to whine. We all do, thats really what these forums are about. I have a question for the women here. I hear 'we want to have our cake and eat it, too' a lot from females. My ex would admit that she was being unfairly selfish 'I know I want to have my cake and eat it too, but...' like she was totally ok with it. Do you really think its acceptable to have this perspective? I promise not to argue or beat you up about your response, Im really just curious, because I hear it a lot, and the people saying it dont seem to mind that it implies being somewhat selfish or asking a bit much.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 i've gone on zero dates in 2009. So depressing. Ditto. 7 months and counting, and trust me, I have tried. BOY have I tried
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 BCCA, it comes down to whether you're smart enough to know a good guy when you find him. Some women go on and on in search of an ideal that doesn't exist, where others harbor idealism but within realistic confines.
Lizzie60 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 This is a strange question.. I don't think we go in life thinking: 'wait.. do I want to be chosen ..or do I want to choose my mate'... That's not exactly how it works.. We, sometimes, choose and we are, sometimes, chosen.. it's just like that... it depends on the situation... no one IMO honestly think about it..
pollywag Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 i've gone on zero dates in 2009. So depressing. Isolde in another thread I read you made some comment about hating women that dress like "Sex and the City" and you tend to dress more grungy and your hair is rather messy. I am not saying get all skanked out to attract men, that's gross, but don't you think that if you put a little more effort to look more inviting men actually might find you more approachable? If you look to grungy a lot of guys might think you are actually fighting them off. Dress more femininely and see what happens. Men are visual, work with it.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Isolde in another thread I read you made some comment about hating women that dress like "Sex and the City" and you tend to dress more grungy and your hair is rather messy. I am not saying get all skanked out to attract men, that's gross, but don't you think that if you put a little more effort to look more inviting men actually might find you more approachable? If you look to grungy a lot of guys might think you are actually fighting them off. Dress more femininely and see what happens. Men are visual, work with it. Oh I'm not that bad, I'm just not exactly polished. I wear makeup and perfume, comb my hair and wear form fitting but not overly tight clothes. I just don't wear eyeliner or straighten my hair everyday, know what I mean?
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 i've gone on zero dates in 2009. So depressing. Get out there and get some exposure. The guys I dated/got involved with, were primarily through my current social network of friends (friends of friends too), work (clients and business contacts), neighbors (of which one was someone I knew through friends), a neighbor of a friend and one random online but not through a dating site. And yes, I have turned down date requests from others, since they weren't my choice. While this doesn't illustrate "getting out there", as in hitting bars, etc., it gave me enough exposure that there was selection. For some people, this type of exposure might not be enough, in that they prefer to run through numbers, hence the online dating sites or other singles type avenues.
Author Isolde Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Get out there and get some exposure. The guys I dated/got involved with, were primarily through my current social network of friends (friends of friends too), work (clients and business contacts), neighbors (of which one was someone I knew through friends), a neighbor of a friend and one random online but not through a dating site. I'm working on it. The main issue is finding single guys in my heavily coupled up area. I've had a friend suggest setting me up w/ someone she knows, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm not interested in online, bars or numbers.
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