"Women seem wicked, when you're unwanted"

[EventHorizon]

Hi everyone. This is Kashmir. I'm now restricted from these forums, but I plan to check this thread and respond to anyone nice enough to read everything and reply without raw negativity. This post might be deleted or my account might be banned, but I don't care. Mods, if you're reading this, I'm not here to cause trouble. I only want to read and reply to some posts.

 

I'm going to try to respond to as many people as possible individually, but I wan to start with some general statements.

 

Firstly, I thought about it a bit, I think people are really being rash when they jump to calling me a "serial killer in the making" and saying that I need help in a demeaning way. I think when people do this, it just gives them some security that there's an individual isolated from the norm. It's easy to point fingers and call me messed up and demented, but it takes a bit of effort to actually open your mind up and see into it deeper.

 

I have problems, no doubt. I have some rage in me. I don't need to apologize for this rage, as I feel most of it is justified. I had some tough things happen to me over the past few years at the hands of my peers and teachers.

 

Now, as I've told some therapists who instantly jumped on me when I admitted I had rage, rage in itself is not negative. A lot of the progression in the world is originally driven by rage. You don't think Martin Luther King was angry when he saw his race being treated like crap for no good reason? Of course he was angry. It was the way he channeled his rage and anger that made him different from someone like Ted Kaczynski. Rage can lead to positive or negative outcomes. It is merely an emotion that drives us. Rage by itself is not inherently negative.

 

Sometimes I indeed do feel like I might give into the dark side and channel my rage and abilities in a negative way. I haven't done anything like it yet, though. Instead, I'm working on channeling it into positive things. Before races, I remind myself of everything that generates my rage and successfully channel it into physical power to row harder and endure more. While I like and play lots of different kinds of music, I find that the most fufilling kind are anthems of youth. Two of my biggest idols are Pete Townshend (The Who) and Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam), mostly because they were confused and pissed off guys who felt like the world was crapping all over them. They took all those negative emotions and produced some of the most inspiring and energetic songs of their generations. Are you going to go back and tell those guys that they were serial killers in the making because they had some rage and angst? IMO, the best music out there is made from rage. On that note, the worst music is made from those that have always been pretty, loved, admired, and haven't felt these feelings of rage and loser-dom, because they have nothing to write about except how much they love their boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Those two things take up most of my time, so they are my two biggest outlets of channeling anger away from negative outcomes. There are many other smaller things I do that helps do this also.

 

So until I completely lose all of those things, I'm not likely to go down the road of becoming a serial killer anytime soon, thank you.

 

Now for individual responses:

 

Cherry - that does make me feel a bit better. I tend to not realize that others are having troubles, as everyone seems so dismissive of me but warm to those they're close to. I always feel like people have their own established circles and refuse to open up to people outside of them. In my experiences, many of these people were in frats and sororities. I haven't been too compatible with members of frats or sororities at my school, so I tend to stereotype them as having inflated egos and being cliquey based on my bad experiences. I'm reluctant to even talk to sorority girls (especially from this one very big sorority at my school) in fear that I'll just add some more ticks to my bitches-in-the-world tally, but maybe now I'll open up a bit more, considering someone like you was in one.

 

Eve - a journal is a good idea, but I've had a mental block about keeping one ever since 9th grade. That was the time in which things were getting really bad at school, so by my own will I began writing down my thoughts when I got the chance. Eventually I made a journal out of it. Then the bullies stole it from me and exposed it. It just gave them more fuel to burn me with, and it expanded the group of people that were unsympathetic towards me. Since then I haven't even considered a journal. No one will take it from me now, as no one messes with me anymore, but I still have some fears. I'm even worried a lot about someone in real life finding my posts on this site, connecting it to me, and revealing it. Maybe I just need to get over that fear.

 

Taramere - I appreciate your understanding of having rage and violent thoughts. As I said, having a thought is not a crime if you can control it and channel it in a good way. People who want to immediately condemn others for merely thinking something bad are just afraid to admit that they have similar thoughts. As far as clinging to my pain because it makes me special, there's some truth to that. It makes me different, and I like that. It also makes me stronger. What I want, though, is to move on and be happy. If I could be happy and satisfied now, while still having a dark past, I would take that life any day over being handed everything since the day I was born.

 

Alektra - Thank you for sharing. Stories like that give me hope.

 

Carhill - I always appreciate your posts as well. You're always so deep yet you do it in such a light-hearted tone.

 

I agree with every word of this:

 

He hates (perhaps "hate" is too strong a word) that he loves women. It tears at his soul. The objects of his affections elude him and he casts about for a meaningful understanding of his construct and his place in it. He lives outside himself, sometimes excessively and even obsessively so. Every stimulus has a hidden meaning and purpose.

 

Sometimes I've contemplated whether neutering myself would be worth it, assuming it destroys any sex drive or desire for females I have (which I'm not sure it does). But you know, that's like a man saying he wishes he was blind from birth because of disturbing images he's seen. Yes, your eyes can show you some horrific sights, but it can also show you some wonderful things too.

 

Suicide is the same thing. Depending on what you believe, if you kill yourself, then that will be the ultimate end of your consciousness. No more thinking, sensing, or feeling. In times of pain it seems like a potential option, but if you give some thought to suicide, you'll realize that while you might end the pain, you'll also end any potential for happiness.

 

Isolde - I don't think I think of women as angels or demons. I may have expressed that in my OP, but honestly, I feel like I only believe that in very low times and only for temporary periods of isolation. Even when I get the motivation to get up and walk outside, those thoughts hold little to no influence over me.

 

Now, let me tell you what I think is a much more dominant thought-process.

 

I know women are human. I know they desire men like men desire women. I know they can feel pain just like men. What strikes every nerve in my body, though, is this - I fear that they will never feel that way about me. I feel that they will be attracted to every other guy in a room but pass over me as though I was a part of the scenery.

 

I hear from other guys and see some things for myself that enforce this fear. For a while, I tried to tell myself that interested girls were just waiting for me to approach them. Then I started to learn how interested girls really behave. They get close to the guys they like and even start talking with them, without any effort on the guy's part to approach. I hear about guys going about their day and getting girls coming up to them like metal to a magnet.

 

Then I've seen the other side - the girl's side. When they're interested in a guy, they will make a move. They won't wait around.

 

Very rarely has this happened to me. I haven't been a wimp either. I've tried approaching girls I liked. No success, though.

 

Thus, I'm not afraid that women are super-human. Rather, I'm afraid that I'm not human in the eyes of others, hence a "sub-man".

[MeaganRaye]

I feel like the OP to a certain extent, except for I'm a female and feel that way about guys--it doesn't matter whether or not they are attractive.

 

I know exactly what group of poeple he is talking about, they are usually the really outgoing, extroverted people who are very good at socializing with other people who are equally as popular as them. Trust me they DO look down upon more introverted less outgoing people. I by coincidence had a friend who was like that (we grew up together that is the only reason we were friends) They tend to be very shallow and self centered. They annoy me and I like you, wished that I could be accepted by them. I still feel that way even in my 20s, I see it on campus all the time. But often these type of people are not always the most attractive they are just incredibly outgoing and skilled with socializing. It's really a gift that I wish I had.

 

Part of me wants their acceptance but then another part of me find them to be incredibly annoying. When I am around them I tend to get very hypersensitive. Maybe it's my own jealousy that causes me to be this way. I don't know

[Ross PK]

If you actually got to know these women (easier said than done) a lot of them could turn out to be really nice people, just keep that in mind.

 

If they actually aren't nice people, then maybe you're not hanging around with the right type of people, and this is influencing your view of women in general. As there are plenty of women who are genuine and nice.

[Sam Spade]

Beats me why Kashmir got banned. Mods grumpy today or something???

[Ross PK]

He's banned? It doesn't say he is on his account.

[Isolde]

We're not trying to be holier than thou by saying you might benefit from "help"--we might actually be worried about you?

 

That said, your clarification makes sense. All I can say is you're 19 and things are just gonna change a lot. I'm barely older than you but just being out of college has changed my entire life.

 

Most girls I know do NOT approach guys they like and make moves. I don't know where you get the idea that women pursue guys and get them. For every case where a girl tries to get close to guy and get to know him, there's another girl that would rather wait to be approached, or a girl that tries and gets rejected.

 

The truth is, you may have to do a heck of a lot more approaching before deciding that women don't like you. Sorry.

 

As others have said, try to stop viewing this as you against women and more about trying to find one great girl that you could have a fun and fulfilling R with, whether it's short or long term.