"Women seem wicked, when you're unwanted"

[era]

It makes me feel like a sub-man who will always be ignored or outcast in everything I try.

 

If you find yourself believing that, that you must always be that way - you're arguing against your own personal growth.

 

I don't have a great view of people in general, but girls especially.

 

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change...

[burning 4 revenge]

I think his skepticism about human nature is practical

[Cherry Blossom 35]

There is a big difference between healthy skepticism and full blown paranoia.

[kashmir]

Cherry, you know that I always welcome your advice and take everything you say seriously. I know you listen.

 

It's hard to explain what goes through my mind. I guess you can say part of me is always on the balls of my feet when I'm around anyone, whether it's consciously or subconsciously. I remember when I was younger that I had this fear for a while that my parents would come into my room at night and stab me in my sleep. They did absolutely nothing to create that thought. It just seemed to manifest itself randomly.

 

That's just an example of thousands of irrational thoughts that keep me on the defensive against things I don't need to be defensive about. I've learned to ignore most of them but obviously a handful still affect me significantly.

 

I can't describe how I feel about people, though. Fear isn't a good word, neither is envy. I don't fear what power I think they might have over me nor do I want to be in their shoes. I guess you can say I feel distant. I feel like I'll always be this spectator that can view the world but can never take part in it, even if I try.

[pollywag]

I actually thought someone might say exactly what you said, rightfully too. Let me explain a bit, though.

 

During downtime, I'm thinking about myself. I'm thinking about that cute girl on the bus or that girl in class when I'm getting bored.

 

I do some charitable activities, though. While I would like to do it more, I volunteer at a soup kitchen at least 3 hours a week...more in the summer. Next year I hope that I can raise a seeing-eye dog on campus...I'm involved in the program now but am not allowed to have my own to raise yet. I love animals and I love spending time with them. When I'm away from home where my pets are I sometimes sneak out to the farms at night by my apartment and spend the night with them. I don't know if they like me there or not, but they don't seem to mind, and I know I'm not thinking about myself or any of my worries when I'm out there.

 

Ok I'm glad you are at least receptive to this.

 

While volunteering at a soup kitchen is fine and a great act of kindness it might not be enough to fill your soul. Do something more interactive, where you actually get to connect with people on a more cerebral level. I have read some of your posts and you strike me as a very introspective individual find and outlet for that, find a medium where you can utilize all that great mental energy to focus on someone who needs it more than you do. Where you actually get to see the world through someone else's eyes and really teleport yourself out of your own existence find your niche. There is nothing wrong with being strategic about how to utilize your energy and time.

 

Start a blog about your introspections on life? If you love animals why not learn to train them, meet women who have unruly pets and help them tame their little beasts. Work at an animal shelter? Find and outlet Kashmir. But find something you can really sink your teeth into, not just got through some motions of doing something because people tell you it's the right thing to do. It will take some thought on your part, but not too much thinking or else you'll never leave the house.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I don't want to sound mean, but I got the serial killer vibe from your threads as well. You have so much bitterness and anger bottled up that I shudder to think what will happen once it's all released. Do not think for a second that girls can not sense this.

 

Secondly, do you seriously think that women have it easy? Look at some of the threads on LS written by women. They are full of pain, angst and rejection. It happens to both sexes. And those hot girls that smile and laugh? It doesn't mean that they are genuinly happy. You have no idea what really goes on inside their minds and lives. Most people act that they are happier than they are because "happy" is the most socially acceptable mood.

 

I have seen your pictures. You are a good looking dude so trust me your looks are not the problem in not getting hot chicks. If you expect to be shuned by girls you will be shuned by girls. Your bitterness and anger are the real barrier here. You will need to learn how to deal with them.

[burning 4 revenge]

This is frightening, Kashmir. You say you have been to many doctors, and I'm sure it has been frustrating, but are you following through with medication recommendations, etc? If you are unhappy with the treatment, are you seeking someone new to see? When I read the above paragraph, I think of the Virginia Tech guy. That's really scary. Read that to yourself again. Please get help when you are feeling down.

Oh I didnt see that

 

That does remind me of Travis Bickle

 

But Travis Bickle was dumb and Kashmir is smart. It also reminds me of the Joker in the last Batman movie

 

Kashmir don't be an idiot about this and throw some kind of tantrum. If you want to inflict pain on the world you need power first and then do it subtely. So long as youre young and failry powerless its hard to get revenge in an effective manner

[Cherry Blossom 35]

If you want to inflict pain on the world you need power first and then do it subtely. So long as youre young and failry powerless its hard to get revenge in an effective manner

 

 

Yes, because that is a good way to heal your own pain, by inflicting pain on others. Good advice :rolleyes:

[burning 4 revenge]

Yes, because that is a good way to heal your own pain, by inflicting pain on others. Good advice :rolleyes:

He can become a lawyer like Prodigal Princess

[Cherry Blossom 35]

He can become a lawyer like Prodigal Princess

 

Now that's better

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Cherry, you know that I always welcome your advice and take everything you say seriously. I know you listen.

 

It's hard to explain what goes through my mind. I guess you can say part of me is always on the balls of my feet when I'm around anyone, whether it's consciously or subconsciously. I remember when I was younger that I had this fear for a while that my parents would come into my room at night and stab me in my sleep. They did absolutely nothing to create that thought. It just seemed to manifest itself randomly.

 

That's just an example of thousands of irrational thoughts that keep me on the defensive against things I don't need to be defensive about. I've learned to ignore most of them but obviously a handful still affect me significantly.

 

I can't describe how I feel about people, though. Fear isn't a good word, neither is envy. I don't fear what power I think they might have over me nor do I want to be in their shoes. I guess you can say I feel distant. I feel like I'll always be this spectator that can view the world but can never take part in it, even if I try.

 

 

I feel sad for you, that you live with these thoughts. You are right, I do listen, and I do want you to be able to be happy and productive.

 

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of people, myself included, have had periods of life where we felt like spectators. College can be a really rough time. People make is seem as though all the guys are getting drunk and scoring chicks and all the girls are big partiers who spend all their daddy's money. Truth is, the college years can be difficult ones, and not everyone skates through it so easily. I remember some bouts of intense loneliness in school. I had friends, but very few really close friends. I was in a sorority, but I never really fit in with those girls, either. My early 20's weren't easy at all. Life didn't start to get really good for me until I was about 26. Things just started to fall into place for me. But there was a lot of trial and error leading up to that point, and a lot of struggle.

[burning 4 revenge]

WHat kind of music do you play? Music can be a great medium for inner violence

 

Remember that any ape can destroy and add chaos to the world. Remember Travis the CHimp....I know Im sounding stupid, but it illustrates my point. The dumbest among us are the ones adding pointless chaos...just look at where the most violence happens

 

If you ever feel full of rage and you think youre going to do something stupid, think about how ridiculously easy it is to destroy a life that is the result of a complexity you could never comprehend and if you reflect on that and truly understand it then you will know you have to resect life and doing this kind of violence you speak of would then be impossible. The universe pushes toward death, life is the exception, life is the miracle and the wise man knows this

[CommitmentPhobe]

I don't have a great view of people in general, but girls especially. I don't want this view. I really don't, but right now I can't help it.

 

Hey Kash,

 

Most people are self interested dickheads, it's the nature of life. Deal with it, keep them at an arms length and focus on people that click with you.

[TwilightSky]

Kashmir, finding a good therapist would be the first step I think. And don't listen to the posts that attack you and don't offer anything constructive, they just add fuel to the fire, really. Just pointless and annoying commentary, quite frankly.

 

Anyway, *relaxing* around women is the partial key to success. One woman on here said you are a good-looking dude, so your looks shouldn't create an obstacle for you. And seriously, no matter how good-looking someone is, if they come off as "creepy" they are smoked in the dating arena.

 

I'm not trying to insult you, just giving you my opinion. A relaxed confident you will get much, much better results than the current you. And, this might be naive optimism talking, but I think you can change. It just requires effort,...and insight, which a good therapist can provide. Hope you find that.

[Eve]

Kashmir,

 

I think that you need to learn to recognise patterns within the cycles you are experiencing. The exercise routine you have is good and will eliminate some energy but be careful of the 'highs'. It sounds to me as though the highs points spill over and can leave you feeling more out of control. There are many medications out there (as I am sure you will know) but the most success I have witnessed is from those who learn to grade the intrusive thoughts.

 

If you have a diagnosis of asperges then this suggests a high level of creativity. The peaks of creativity may be what is causing you a problem my love. You are different, there is no doubt about it but can live a balanced life if you start to create 'back up plans' for what to do dependant on the level of intrusive thoughts. If you do not do this now and begin to actively work with some sort of plan then you could end up being a serious danger to others. Of course this is everyones concern but from your own perspective, this means that you will not become the best you can be and will end up being someones bitch... most likely within an institution.

 

Have you seen those places?

 

We all have a cross to bear in one way or another. If you allow yourself to go with the highs and hurt another human being that would be really messed up because that human also has their own problems to deal with. In general I think we all have to come to some sort of rationalising of who we click wtih and who we dont click with. This is normal. So partly I am amused by what you said in some parts of your observations. I probably would not like the girls you mentioned either! Kashmir, if theres one thing I have noted, it is that people can be bastards BUT dont loose sight of the propensity we have for change and that you can be part of that cycle too.

 

Anyhow, start a journal and you will see when cycles occur and what influences the cycles within a matter of days. I would not try and do this all by yourself though. If managed properly this could be under control within a short space of time.

 

Its what we do in spite of difficulties that ultimately matters.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Taramere]

..I remember announcing to a tutorial group of trainee social workers (of which I was one) that I sometimes fantasised about taking a machine gun to noisy drunks on the street outside who were keeping me awake in the early hours of the morning. I'd imagine going out with a machine gun and putting a stop to it all. Then everyone in the street could have an interrupted night's sleep - so not only would I feel better, but I'd be performing a public service.

 

These fantasies calmed me down. I'd imagine killing them, and then I'd imagine the responses of their friends, family members etc. Play out the whole action and consequences in my mind. By the end of it I'd still feel annoyed about the noise, but I'd have more of a sense of proportion about it and know that regardless of how annoying late night, noisy drunks are - they're just people, and I've no genuine desire to inflict harm on them.

 

My classmates looked at me as though I'd walked into class decked out for a spot of suicide bombing. My response was "what - seriously....nobody else ever fantasises about killing people who annoy them?" All shaking heads and exchanged nervous "can someone like this be let loose in our streets to carry out social work??" glances in the class.

 

Then the very kind, academically respected lady who took our tutorial group cleared her throat and said "Taramere, I have to admit that some of my fantasies wouldn't make it past the most liberal censors in the world." She went onto describe the cathartic part that fantasy can play in life, provided of course that you are actually sane and can draw clear boundaries between what you do in your fantasies and what you would do in reality - which, she said, is easier if within the course of your fantasy you can apply empathy (eg the tragic consequences of your fantasised violent actions. The effect on real people. The horror and remorse you'd feel on being confronted with the results of your actions)

 

Expressing dark fantasy out loud has consequences though. If you're going to be open and honest about these less palatable aspects of your inner world, you have to also learn to shrug off horrified "psycho!" reactions. My own feelings about it were reflected totally by my tutor. I think people can and do fantasise about whatever they want. There's an endless supply of gory films and books out there - written, produced and acted in by sane people - watched/read by sane people - to back that up. There are no limits to what we can do in fantasy - it's when the boundaries between fantasy and reality become blurred that you have a problem.

 

Lots of people fantasise about suicide when they're down. That's normal. It becomes dangerous when they start making concrete plans. Same thing with violent fantasy, Kashmir. If you start dwelling on technicalities of how you would go about putting your violent fantasies into action then you need to talk to a medical person ASAP.

 

I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but I'd say that while violent or vengeful fantasies might be normal, over-reliance on them as a coping technique might lead to maladjusted thinking and behaviour developing. I don't see how a therapist can really help with that unless you've 100% commitment to sticking to any plan you and the therapist work out to start changing your perceptions and thinking patterns (which is what a good cognitive therapist will help you do - provided you actually believe in therapy, and are prepared to put a lot of personal effort into making it work for you). A lot of people are dismissive of therapy, or they enter it with the aim of outwitting/outsmarting the therapist or proving that therapy doesn't work, rather than working with them to achieve positive results.

 

 

Maybe there's also a sense of feeling special if the best doctors, psychiatrists and therapists in the world can't help you to become a happier, more positive person. Not directing that at you, kashmir.....but it's a thought I often have when I'm reading Loveshack. That people sometimes cling to their pain, anger and dysfunction as though they'd be nothing without it.

[boxing123]

Yeah, you just sound like the quintessential angry young man to me. Don't listen to the female posters emasculating you with their advice..just use that anger constructively to achieve a goal. Think Taxidriver

 

 

Have to agree with this. You do not sound like a serial killer at all. You sound like many young men. I remember reading a Tolstoy novel and the lead character shared many of your same sentiments. Of course that was written by a Russian guy 100 years ago..

 

Most if not all men go through periods of sounding like a misogynist. This is nothing new. As soon as you meet one good woman these feelings will subside. It might take a while to meet her. Just have fun in the mean time.

[serial muse]

Have to agree with this. You do not sound like a serial killer at all. You sound like many young men. I remember reading a Tolstoy novel and the lead character shared many of your same sentiments. Of course that was written by a Russian guy 100 years ago..

 

Most if not all men go through periods of sounding like a misogynist. This is nothing new. As soon as you meet one good woman these feelings will subside. It might take a while to meet her. Just have fun in the mean time.

 

I'm guessing you haven't seen Taxi Driver.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I'm guessing you haven't seen Taxi Driver.

 

Travis Bickle took angry young man to a whole new level.

[AlektraClementine]

I have a very close friend who has the same diagnosis as yourself. He's 35 now and I can tell you from his report that it doesn't go away. But it does take a commitment to therapy and meds. The feeling you get about others plotting out your misery is a symptom of your illness. You know that, though.

 

My friend is also a musician. A brilliant one at that. He has developed his skill for years now and has acquired quite a local following here in our town and is beginning to make serious money as a songwriter for Nashville. Grammy nominated even. He also has one of the most beautiful girlfriends I have ever laid eyes on and they've now been together for 4 years. His longest relationship. She's good for him and understands him and promotes health within him.

 

Sometimes he still has to go to his room and be alone for days at a time but he has gotten better about recognizing what is real and what is a symptom of his illness.

 

Just wanted to share with you.

[carhill]

OP, I liked some of the things Eve had to say, especially the part about looking cognitively for cycles in your emotional perspective and journaling it in an organized way. You know how smart you are. You can think yourself out of the box. I can tell you, when I started MC, I thought the world was against me. Thinking, using the extraordinary gift of insight God blessed me with, and learning tools to direct that thinking productively, I beat the demons. They're still there, a lot like Parcher and Charles in "A Beautiful Mind" but are seen for what they are. Embracing the dynamic but refusing to be ruled by it was a key step to growth.

 

You're young. You'll make it. I'm enjoying women (and life) more than I ever have. Those demons hardly ever intrude anymore. It's only when I hear the black helicopters circling.....

[Isolde]

This isn't misogyny. Misogyny is when you look down upon women, but it doesn't really include feelings of blind rage. In fact, Kashmir, you've given indication that you actually look up to women in certain ways. Maybe your idealism is what is getting you down. Women are human: not angels, not demons.

[carhill]

He hates (perhaps "hate" is too strong a word) that he loves women. It tears at his soul. The objects of his affections elude him and he casts about for a meaningful understanding of his construct and his place in it. He lives outside himself, sometimes excessively and even obsessively so. Every stimulus has a hidden meaning and purpose.

 

Well, that's my thoughts anyway......been there, ate that candy bar...

[Sam Spade]

 

You sound like a serial killer in the making.

 

 

Heh, cut dude some slack. Digging "Doors" slightly more than prudent these days and being a a typical angry young man hardly qualify you as a serial killer in the making.

Each and every person I know (as long as they had the basest ability of introspection), myself included, has felt this way in their early college years.

 

Part of the problem is forgetting that women are people too, in a sense that they struggle with the exact same feeling, the only difference is that their booties give them free pass in most things .

 

The only cure is becoming your "own man", which cannot be accomplished overnight. Check back in once you turn at least 25. Only after you genuinelly stop caring if you'll ever get laid again, have some basic accomplishments, and when you have at least a couple of principles you wouldn't mind dying for, you'll be able to relax a bit.

[Sam Spade]

He hates (perhaps "hate" is too strong a word) that he loves women. It tears at his soul. The objects of his affections elude him and he casts about for a meaningful understanding of his construct and his place in it. He lives outside himself, sometimes excessively and even obsessively so. Every stimulus has a hidden meaning and purpose.

 

Well, that's my thoughts anyway......been there, ate that candy bar...

 

 

Related, that's why prostitution is illegal (people hate the fact that they're intrigued by it) .

 

PS Once the inevitable flaming of the above begins, I will be safe and cozy back in the parralelr universe there Carhill is my dad (and Woogle - my uncle) .