STILL WONDERING Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what?
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Did she have opportunity for it to be physical? How long did the affair last? Two key factors. The odds are VERY high that she'll lie about it unless directly confronted with evidence.
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 You could also insist on a lie detector test. Alternately, depending on how smart she is, you could try BLUFFING your way into the truth. Take ALL of her undergarments, and tell her that you're going to have them lab tested. Explain to her that they're now able to pull out residual semen from them even if they've been laundered several times, and that you're going to give them a sample for comparison so that they can rule yours out. It's pure BS...but she might not know that.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what? Women are more fearful of the PA side of their affair to become known to their H, since a man is more likely to 1) leave them 2) Display anger/violence 3) she's likely to suffer more financially, and her kids too Its in her best interest to only give you enough information as will allay your suspicions. Of course, CH also lie and take a long time to tell the truth in bits and pieces, but from a psychology class, I saw it is statistically more likely for the CW to hold back on telling the truth.
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I can't quote statistics, but from my observations, cheaters lie...and you can tell when they are because their lips are moving. Gender doesn't matter so much in that regard.
GorillaTheater Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Women are more fearful of the PA side of their affair to become known to their H, since a man is more likely to 1) leave them 2) Display anger/violence Considering the OP has already literally put a gun to her head, that fear is probably well-founded in this case.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what? 9 times in 10 its total bull. Most women will lie to their dieing day about that crap. You need to be logical and really do your research. Nobody hides this stuff well under intense scrutiny.
Author STILL WONDERING Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I read somewhere that psycologist say if the affair is over and everything is quiet to keep it to ur self and focus on ur marriage ,,, exspecially if the marriage is rocky....and it was
Author STILL WONDERING Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 women are more fearful of the pa side of their affair to become known to their h, since a man is more likely to 1) leave them 2) display anger/violence 3) she's likely to suffer more financially, and her kids too its in her best interest to only give you enough information as will allay your suspicions. Of course, ch also lie and take a long time to tell the truth in bits and pieces, but from a psychology class, i saw it is statistically more likely for the cw to hold back on telling the truth. this person was a friend and co worker and new to much about everything in our life,, we argue- he calls and says he would never do that and so on and so on, he told her about a girl i had sex w/ before marriage, you know how guys talk about sex and it goes back to her, we were arguing all the time and i guees he had all the gas to dump on and get his way,,,, she built a lot of resentment towards me,, some times i wonder if it was out of spite?
Lizzie60 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what? When a woman or a man get caught in an A... they will ALWAYS say that it was emotional, nothing physical, not a big deal, blablabla... but most of the time it was physical.. unless they live on a different continent..
OpenBook Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what? (I'm assuming the woman in question is telling this to her H or SO.) It may be her way of expressing to him what she feels she is lacking FROM HIM. In this case, she is lacking emotional support from him. Maybe he is always discounting her feelings, or being condescending to her, or making fun of her,... I have no idea, I'm just raising the possibility.
tami-chan Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I believe most women think when a man hears "it was just an emotional affair", then the man would think that it was not a big deal-believing the most men care more about the physical aspect of any relationship. How many men really would admit to having just an "emotional affair" and spend sleepless nights about it? If they reveal that to their friends, their drinking buddies would probably think "geez, you never even kissed her and you are agonizing about this? what a loser!" How many women had physical affairs that did not turn emotional? I mean, not many women would admit to their husbands to having "just slept with that guy but I have no feelings for him"? She would worry about appearing cheap and er...whorish, no?
Lucky_One Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Considering the OP has already literally put a gun to her head, that fear is probably well-founded in this case. OMG - I just read that. You should be glad that she didn't have you arrested - infidelity or not.
NewSunrise Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 When a women says it was emotional, not the physical on an affair is that total bull or what? I'd say total bull based on your next post: we argue- he calls and says he would never do that and so on and so on, he told her about a girl i had sex w/ before marriage, The fact that this dude told on you had every intention of doing so with ONE objective in mind---her.
Athena Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 we argue- he calls and says he would never do that and so on and so on, I think he was aiming to sleep with her, was positioning himself to do so, but that it did not necessarily take place yet. Since, if he had already slept with her, he wouldn't be phoning you to tell you he would never argue with W the way you did... it almost sounds like he was showing her that he was standing up to you, and being protective of her... for a reason... but I don't think she slept with him, yet. How did you bust their EA? some times i wonder if it was out of spite? Out of spite? Do you mean he was a friend and colleague of yours (and your W's?) and he didn't get on with YOU, and tried to get back at you?? Look... forget him... focus on your W. She is the one who you took vows with. Find out what her needs are, and see if you are willing to provide what she wants. Then tell her what you want from her. And -- do not EVER point a gun at her again -- that is not right. It is a bully tactic and unacceptable in a marriage where you are supposed to protect her, not threaten her. You cannot force her to be faithful to you, you cannot force her to be loving to you, you cannot force her to tell you 'the truth'... but she might do all these things willingly for you, if you treat her with equality and respect, and pointing a gun at her is neither. Yes, I get that SHE is the cheater.... ok... but she is still your wife, and I assume you actually want her to continue to be your wife?!
NewSunrise Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I'd also predict she already had a physical affair if not before he told on you. If latter, she did it out of spite.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 this person was a friend and co worker and new to much about everything in our life,, we argue- he calls and says he would never do that and so on and so on, he told her about a girl i had sex w/ before marriage, you know how guys talk about sex and it goes back to her, we were arguing all the time and i guees he had all the gas to dump on and get his way,,,, she built a lot of resentment towards me,, some times i wonder if it was out of spite? Your blaming the other guy WAY TOO MUCH! I suppose as long as he is the bad guy... you can blindfold yourself into thinking your wife was just an innocent victim. Since you seem to know the guy so well... why don't you just ask him if it was physical. If you can't do that... then tell your wife that he told you it was... and provided solid details... and that you just want the bloody truth!
Author STILL WONDERING Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 i think he was aiming to sleep with her, was positioning himself to do so, but that it did not necessarily take place yet. Since, if he had already slept with her, he wouldn't be phoning you to tell you he would never argue with w the way you did... It almost sounds like he was showing her that he was standing up to you, and being protective of her... for a reason... But i don't think she slept with him, yet. How did you bust their ea? Out of spite? Do you mean he was a friend and colleague of yours (and your w's?) and he didn't get on with you, and tried to get back at you?? Look... Forget him... Focus on your w. She is the one who you took vows with. Find out what her needs are, and see if you are willing to provide what she wants. Then tell her what you want from her. And -- do not ever point a gun at her again -- that is not right. It is a bully tactic and unacceptable in a marriage where you are supposed to protect her, not threaten her. You cannot force her to be faithful to you, you cannot force her to be loving to you, you cannot force her to tell you 'the truth'... But she might do all these things willingly for you, if you treat her with equality and respect, and pointing a gun at her is neither. Yes, i get that she is the cheater.... Ok... But she is still your wife, and i assume you actually want her to continue to be your wife?! how i caught them ,, i did not,,, i am not really sure who spilled the beans first. I think he told his wife and then called mine and she had no choice. I don't know why he would have done that cause i would have never known. Unless that was his final shot at breaking us up. The whole gun thing was her saying in a drunken stuper that she did not deserve to live 4 what she did and reached 4 my pistol in cabinent,, i was scared and pushed her away and asked her is that really what u want, i would not hurt her, i guess she wanted me to feel sorry 4 her. I have had tell tell signs of her wanting my attetion and i did not do to great of a job giving that to her..oh yeah, his wife called me a couple of days later( we have known them for years) and told me that he was depressed and felt so much guilt for what he did. And made it like he was the innocent person,, how gullable can u be.i knew he had a thing for her, i knew they talked on the phone in the evenings but i never thouught a whole lot about it till one day she told me during a heated arguement ''what do i need u for, u dont help me w/ anything,ur more like my room mate than my husband.''i still did not change anything,, i bet i listen know.3 or 4 years ago when my litlle girl was probably 3, she said it was sad coming home to an empty house and i just show up whenever, she would say why cant u come home earlier, do you not wanna be here. I could go on 4ever . I have thought of so much stuff i should have done but she is still wrong 4 what she did,,i try not to mention it and move forward but sometimes i havequestions i want answered, she will answer them but i feel like i dont have the whole truth , and i think do i really want the whole truth? I jump around from subject to subject on what i am saying here but my mind is a roller coaster, sometimes i wish i had never known and that she would have sat eme down and said i am not happy in this relationship and things are gonna have to change,,,i believe that would have caught my attention..i got to go .............thanks 4 listening athena
Author STILL WONDERING Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 i think he was aiming to sleep with her, was positioning himself to do so, but that it did not necessarily take place yet. Since, if he had already slept with her, he wouldn't be phoning you to tell you he would never argue with w the way you did... It almost sounds like he was showing her that he was standing up to you, and being protective of her... for a reason... But i don't think she slept with him, yet. How did you bust their ea? Out of spite? Do you mean he was a friend and colleague of yours (and your w's?) and he didn't get on with you, and tried to get back at you?? Look... Forget him... Focus on your w. She is the one who you took vows with. Find out what her needs are, and see if you are willing to provide what she wants. Then tell her what you want from her. And -- do not ever point a gun at her again -- that is not right. It is a bully tactic and unacceptable in a marriage where you are supposed to protect her, not threaten her. You cannot force her to be faithful to you, you cannot force her to be loving to you, you cannot force her to tell you 'the truth'... But she might do all these things willingly for you, if you treat her with equality and respect, and pointing a gun at her is neither. Yes, i get that she is the cheater.... Ok... But she is still your wife, and i assume you actually want her to continue to be your wife?! they did have physical,,,
Athena Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Still Wondering, So, you do love your wife. And you are now beginning to realize that she was asking you for more attention, and help, and your time over the last couple of years. I do get that you are shocked and traumatized by discovering that your wife had an affair! But, can you perhaps use this incident as a Wake Up Call to the state of your marriage and your wife's cries for needed changes? If all she wants from you is more time and attention, give it to her. Why not? It would make her feel loved, and she would willingly give it back to you tenfold. There is a book by Gary Chapman, called The Five Love Languages, and in it he discusses that spouses may have differing emotional love languages and it is important to recognize WHAT YOUR SPOUSES LOVE LANGUAGE IS, so you can show them you love them in the manner in which THEY need. The five languages are: 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Quality Time 3) Receiving Gifts 4) Acts of Service 5) Physical Touch You may come to see that what is so important to your wife, may not hold the same importance to you, but once you are willing to show her love in the way she needs it, your marriage will likely improve. Okay, I understand how it came to be that you placed the gun to W's head -- it was drama being escalated, not your bullying tactics... however, you have to see that you do whatever you can to focus on improving the problems and issues and not escalate the problem. My advice would be to completely cut off the other couple's contact. I don't know what that OM's issue with you is, he certainly seems to have residual jealousy issues from your long-standing friendship, and appears to be using your wife as a way of getting to you. Your wife also needs to go No Contact with OM. Is it possible to cut down on contact at work? Move to another office/building/ etc? The two of you need to put all of your effort into building up your marriage, not getting dramatic and desperate. Of course you are feeling terrible. But put that aside for now, and focus on how to repair your emotional bond with your wife.
Author STILL WONDERING Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 still wondering, so, you do love your wife. And you are now beginning to realize that she was asking you for more attention, and help, and your time over the last couple of years. I do get that you are shocked and traumatized by discovering that your wife had an affair! But, can you perhaps use this incident as a wake up call to the state of your marriage and your wife's cries for needed changes? If all she wants from you is more time and attention, give it to her. Why not? It would make her feel loved, and she would willingly give it back to you tenfold. There is a book by gary chapman, called the five love languages, and in it he discusses that spouses may have differing emotional love languages and it is important to recognize what your spouses love language is, so you can show them you love them in the manner in which they need. The five languages are: 1) words of affirmation 2) quality time 3) receiving gifts 4) acts of service 5) physical touch you may come to see that what is so important to your wife, may not hold the same importance to you, but once you are willing to show her love in the way she needs it, your marriage will likely improve. Okay, i understand how it came to be that you placed the gun to w's head -- it was drama being escalated, not your bullying tactics... However, you have to see that you do whatever you can to focus on improving the problems and issues and not escalate the problem. My advice would be to completely cut off the other couple's contact. I don't know what that om's issue with you is, he certainly seems to have residual jealousy issues from your long-standing friendship, and appears to be using your wife as a way of getting to you. Your wife also needs to go no contact with om. Is it possible to cut down on contact at work? Move to another office/building/ etc? The two of you need to put all of your effort into building up your marriage, not getting dramatic and desperate. Of course you are feeling terrible. But put that aside for now, and focus on how to repair your emotional bond with your wife. athena he was an employee of mone and so was my wife... I needed him 4 work more than i needed her,,, i got a beer buzz tonight and headin 4 daytona , fla. Tomorrow. I just want her to love me unconditionally and i feel like sometimes i might be the problem,,,, she wants to forget about the past and move forward, and i am tryuin to do that but is is very hard
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 athena he was an employee of mone and so was my wife... I needed him 4 work more than i needed her,,, i got a beer buzz tonight and headin 4 daytona , fla. Tomorrow. I just want her to love me unconditionally and i feel like sometimes i might be the problem,,,, she wants to forget about the past and move forward, and i am tryuin to do that but is is very hard Isn't that what we all want? Love? I am sure you wife wants your unconditional love too. Does it really matter at this point if YOU are the 'problem' or she? What matters is that you have a problem in your marriage, and it is up to you and your W to sort it out. You should fulfill her emotional needs, and she should do the same for you. But you have to find out what these are, through talks. As for that OM -- if he works for you, and is a 'friend' -- then perhaps he is feeling not as manly as he wants to feel, and is trying to one-up you by taking your W from you, to prove to himself that he is 'better' than you. He must be having issues working FOR you...?? btw I don't think your W should just expect you to forget the incident and immediately move on, its going to take time, and you will move one step forward, and two back... its normal. Have a good trip tomorrow.
Stunned_To_Disbelief Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 [quote=oh yeah, his wife called me a couple of days later( we have known them for years) and told me that he was depressed and felt so much guilt for what he did. And made it like he was the innocent person He's feeling guilty? I'd say based on this line alone, chances are very high they have had a Physical Affair. You might suggest STD testing & see the Reaction you get. Deer In the headlights <fear> is usually a pretty good indication that she has had sex, w/o regard for the consequences. No real answers here on how to get her to open up if she's hiding a PA except if your instincts say she's lying, she probably is. I can't see any Guy who is both yours & your wife's friend feeling guilty for trying to be of help to a friends ailing marriage, unless he's stepped over a hard line. Beyond the questions, YOU have to decide if this was a "Deal Breaker" on your marriage. There is no excuse for cheating even if your wife felt you were ignoring her, however it sounds like you are prepared to try & reconcile the Marriage. I would suggest NEW Friends & MC for you & your wife. Good Luck !
Athena Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 He's feeling guilty? I'd say based on this line alone, chances are very high they have had a Physical Affair. You might suggest STD testing & see the Reaction you get. Deer In the headlights <fear> is usually a pretty good indication that she has had sex, w/o regard for the consequences. No real answers here on how to get her to open up if she's hiding a PA except if your instincts say she's lying, she probably is. Beyond the questions, YOU have to decide if this was a "Deal Breaker" on your marriage. There is no excuse for cheating even if your wife felt you were ignoring her, however it sounds like you are prepared to try & reconcile the Marriage. I would suggest NEW Friends & MC for you & your wife. Good Luck ! Stunned, OP said that the affair his W had, was also physical. I don't know how he found this out since he didn't know about the PA side of the A when he first posted... but he did go away this weekend... hopefully not to bury a body somewhere.... they did have physical,,,
Author STILL WONDERING Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 No i did not bury anyone ,, still trying to get my life back together. The trust issue is hard and i wonder if it happened once maybe ,someone else later?there is soooo much to this i would have to write a book.she went back to work last year to her previous career abd he slowly distanced his self. He used to tell her he wanted to see her and was gonna stop by to see me 4 a beer, just to talk to her. He wanted them to be together and she told him that wasn't gonna happen. But he still tried. She never left me. She said she is sorry and can't take it back and she loves me. My biggest problem was him , we got a lot more heated arguements that at times got physical. He was tryin to push her away from me......our 15 year anniversary is in aug. And i got a little girl , a couple o months before i found out she was talking about having a second child ( i was ready couple o years ago ) and she has mentioned it since,,,, but i don't know? She says she will never leave me, due to construction my finances are waaaaayyyy down, we struggled w/ money when we got married and are still doing it today. I just wonder if i can ever trully trust her again
Recommended Posts