If he prefers NC then why answer my calls?

[writergal]

My ex-bf broke up with me 3 months ago. We are both in our late 30s and he was previously married, and I was his 2nd girlfriend. Last weekend when I was running an errand in the early evening I decided to call him because I had been ruminating about his lame reason for breaking up with me: he didn't want to deal with my trust issues.

 

That never felt like an explanation -- but more like an excuse to me. What really bothers me is that he never validated the relationship to me when he broke up with me like, "I really care about you but...." He told me daily that he loved me, that I was "the one," and that he would never run away if conflict happened.

 

Well, at the first sign of conflict (which was my suspicion about his flirtacious text exchanges with a female coworker he said his ex-wife accused him of having a relationship with also, which is denied to me when I first met him), he first said he could see why I was suspicious, that he was offended that I snooped on his cellphone when I could have asked him (which I HAD that week, asking him if he was seeing someone else which he denied), and that he wasn't going to break up with me because I was suspicious, but then the next morning he asked me for his spare keys, kicked me out of his apartment, then called me 2 days later to say he didn't want to deal with my trust issues and that our relationship was over.

 

I apologized for the snooping but I also asked him to talk to me about why he was keeping this friendship secret from me, and I reiterated how important the relationship was to me and that we should talk about it and not break up. He said he didn't want to stay together, and a month later when i contacted him, he sent me an email stating that he didn't see us getting back together because he had his own issues to work out. I never responded to his email.

 

So 2 months have passed since then, and last week while I was out running an errand I thought about him and decided I wanted an explanation from him as to why he could claim I was "the one" but then be so quick to dump me 3 months into our relationship when I had some trust issues with him.

 

So, he actually answered his phone which surprised me. He was at a friend's party. And then I couldn't do it -- I couldn't confront him to get the answers I feel I deserve. So, I made the conversation light and casual and it lasted 15 minutes. He kept asking me if there was anything else wrong, which I think was his way of asking me why I called. So, all I said was "I was just thinking about you and wanted to call..."

 

If he didn't want me back in his life, why would he answer my call? And then why would he be so cold and closed off, and not offer any validation to me about his feelings, or apologize for the relationship not working out? I don't understand how he could tell me every day that he loved me, that I was "the one" he could see being with for a long time, but then dump me 3 months later because I made a mistake in how I approached him with some trust issues that I wanted to talk to him about.

 

People make mistakes all the time. But does that warrant running away? If I really was "the one" for him, he wouldn't have run away. So why take my call? Well, I called him 3 days after that, and he was on his way somewhere and when I asked him if we could meet sometime he said "I"ll think about it" which is just code for "no" isn't it? I haven't heard from him since and I don't know if I should email or call him now, to ask him to just respect me enough to give me the closure I want: tell me why he broke up with me beyond his not wanting to deal with my trust issues. I'm just really fed up because I think I deserve a second chance.

[lovelinefan]

I think sheer curiosity would make me answer the phone - he may have told himself that your call could be important, or maybe he just answered out of habit. If he was at a party, maybe he had been drinking, and was feeling a bit more open than usual?

 

I think that people often want to see, in a voyeuristic way, how their ex is doing, feeling, etc.

[mom07]

Leave him alone. What makes you think that he is going to be honest with you now if he wasn't honest with you before on why he wanted to break up? It also sounds like this guy is immature. For him to be in his late 30's and previously married where's his balls? Find someone else you deserve better than just some lame excuse.

[writergal]

Then I called him 3 days later and he answered yet again -- only this time he told me he couldn't talk b/c he was on his way somewhere, and he didn't offer to call me back. Then, when I asked him if we could get together sometime, he said he'd think about it, which I took as a polite but indirect way of saying 'no.'

 

Why would he be curious about my life post-break up when he is the one who broke up with me?

[writergal]

Mom07 - I don't know why I would expect him to be honest with me now that he's broken up with me. But don't you think that's weird that he would take my calls if he didn't want anything to do with me?

 

As far as being immature - I agree with you. Being married for 10 years should have matured him, but apparently it has not.

 

What gets my goat is that he can be so immature with me, yet he has been a teacher of emotionally abused teens for 10 years, and is the president of a non-profit org's local chapter in our city that takes teens on biking and camping trips. He is well respected in the teaching community and in the work he does with troubled teens.

 

So, how ironic that he would throw me away the moment I have a legitimate concern because I made a mistake in how I approached him.

 

He did tell me that he left his wife for 3 weeks after a huge fight, staying at a friend's house until he got sick of her begging him to come back home. They had fought about money: she wanted a new car that her parents were willing to pay for (her family is wealthy) and he wanted to give his car to her, and then buy a used car so they could save money since she is a teacher as well. So when she let her parents buy her a new car, he got mad and left her for 3 weeks. Then he eventually returned and divorced her 6 months later. He claimed he tried leaving her 3x as well, before he finally left for good.

 

So he is the upstanding citizen who leads the perfect life externally, but he throws away his girlfriend (me) at the first sign of conflict. I can't be in a relationship where the expectations are that no conflict will ever happen because that is unrealistic. And so i feel like he threw me away, wasted my time and used me and I was stupid to believe all of his "I love you's" and "you're the one" and "'let's move in together in the spring this year"

[2sure]

How many times do you want to make this guy break up with you???

[BCCA]

How many times do you want to make this guy break up with you???

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

And why would he want to rehash what happened to your relationship, that he ended, 3 months ago? And honestly, Ive had at least 3 women tell me I was the one they wanted to spend their life with, and they all dumped me. I really think people just say stuff like that because it sounds good, or makes you happy.

 

Him taking your calls means nothing. I dont even look at my phone before answering it half the time, and even if he did, him answering your call doesnt mean he wants anything to do with you. He probably feels a little guilty, and might feel like he at least owes it to you to answer a couple calls.

 

Dont call him looking for answers, hes not going to give them to you. Just let it go.

[writergal]

Look, it's not like I have come out and told him I wanted to get back together. People break-up and get back together all the time. Maybe I am naive because I have never said I-love-you until I was sure, and I have never told a guy I wanted to marry him, either.

 

But I understand where you are coming from BCCA and 2Sure. I don't want this guy to break up with me again.

 

I am having difficulty letting this go because he was the first guy I saw a potential future with. He has everything I'm looking for in a partner; financial stability, athletic, involved in community activities, has the kind of job that is admirable, shares the same family values, sense of humor, and interests. Do you know how difficult it is to find someone you are really compatible with?

 

I do not want to settle. And, I don't want to give up just because he's immature. I'm not perfect. So what am i supposed to do, just sit back and be single the rest of my life, or settle for a man who just shows up whom i don't feel that kind of chemistry with?

 

Why does my ex-bf get off the hook so easily for being such a jerk?

[BCCA]

Do you know how difficult it is to find someone you are really compatible with?

 

Everyone does. Dating sucks, which is why we tolerate less than acceptable behavior from people we invest time with. Everyone who has ever dated knows your pain, I'm feeling it right now. Finding anyone worth dating, who wants to date you, is so painful.

 

I don't want to give up just because he's immature

 

Unfortunately, he threw in the towel. He didnt think it was worth the effort to keep things afloat with you. Its a tough pill to swallow, but YOU have nothing to do with the way things are. HE made the decision to end things, so HE has to be the one to change his mind. Youre not giving up, youre realizing this fact. You alone can do nothing.

 

just sit back and be single the rest of my life, or settle for a man who just shows up whom i don't feel that kind of chemistry with?

 

I know how you feel, but he is NOT the only good guy for you to date in the entire world. There are PLENTY of other people out there, dont sell yourself short. Just because he and you did not work does not mean youll have to settle for some loser or be single forever. Thats self-defeating, and just not true. Dont believe that for one second.

 

Why does my ex-bf get off the hook so easily for being such a jerk?

 

Well, he loses you. Yes, thats his only punishment, but what else do you expect? Do you think he should be unhappy and never date again because he was a chicken when it came to dumping you? 99% of people do the exact same thing he did, I've seen it SO many times. Yeah, hes a jerk (which - I assume you dont want to date a jerk), but he did you a favor really. Better to end it now, then to actually get married, or plan for a wedding. I know, it sucks, it hurts, and life seems so unfair. Truth be told, life IS unfair, its just the way it is. But good things will come if youre ready for them.

[writergal]

BCCA - You wrote "good things will come if you're ready for them." I was ready for him. I thought he was a good thing. I'm 38 years old, never married, no children.

 

Any man in my age bracket is going to have baggage like: divorce, children, or consumate bachelor for example. Men in the 30-40s bracket who aren't married either don't want to get married, don't want children because they either have children from a previous marriage, their career is their priority or they have a life passion that is a priority or simply don't want children. I want to have my own family like my siblings.

 

This ex-bf of mine, I believed, was my best shot at achieving that because of who he is, what his values are and what he gives to the community.

[BCCA]

This ex-bf of mine, I believed, was my best shot at achieving that because of who he is, what his values are and what he gives to the community.

 

But the problem is that he didnt feel the same way you did. He obviously didnt want the same things you did, and so he chose to walk away. Yeah, it sucks, big time, but really - his loss. What else can you do? You're never going to convince him he made a mistake, thats a conclusion he'll have to each on his own. And he may very well never come to that conclusion.

 

I know exactly how you feel. My ex was the best mate I had ever come across in my life. She was pretty much everything I ever wanted in a gf, and I had plans for our lives together. Like you, though, I got the boot. I constantly think about how hard its going to be to ever find someone like her again, if I ever do. I may find someone who matches, and we can make something work, but I struggle with the notion that I'll find someone else who has the same qualities that I look her.

 

But at the end of the day, these fools dumped us. What can you do? Dust yourself off and hope for the best. Holding on is really just not an option, it goes nowhere, and life passes you by as you stand there.

 

You cant simply say 'I want this person so much that I'll make it work'. Doesnt work like that. Once they bail, you have no control over what they do. All you can do is stop hoping, and start making yourself happy again.

[messed-mind]

Ok time for a reality check.

 

Well, at the first sign of conflict (which was my suspicion about his flirtacious text exchanges with a female coworker he said his ex-wife accused him of having a relationship with also, which is denied to me when I first met him), he first said he could see why I was suspicious, that he was offended that I snooped on his cellphone when I could have asked him (which I HAD that week, asking him if he was seeing someone else which he denied), and that he wasn't going to break up with me because I was suspicious, but then the next morning he asked me for his spare keys, kicked me out of his apartment, then called me 2 days later to say he didn't want to deal with my trust issues and that our relationship was over.

Sounds a bit extreme because you looked through his phone, there is no smoke without fire and you may have been right to trust your instincts.

 

So 2 months have passed since then, and last week while I was out running an errand I thought about him and decided I wanted an explanation from him as to why he could claim I was "the one" but then be so quick to dump me 3 months into our relationship when I had some trust issues with him.

He said one thing and did another because ... that's what humans do. They change their minds. Someone might feel something one week, and feel different the next week. Words are so EASY to say, it's ACTIONS that speak so much about how someone feels - he kicked you out and told you it was over, that action should be a good enough reason for you.

 

If he didn't want me back in his life, why would he answer my call? And then why would he be so cold and closed off, and not offer any validation to me about his feelings, or apologize for the relationship not working out? I don't understand how he could tell me every day that he loved me, that I was "the one" he could see being with for a long time, but then dump me 3 months later because I made a mistake in how I approached him with some trust issues that I wanted to talk to him about.

Just because he answers your calls does not mean he wants you back. He's not apologising or offering any explanation, because the relationship is over.

 

Over.

 

IT IS OVER.

 

It does not matter that he said you were the one, the relationship is over. He does not want to be with you. You will not get any answers.

 

I know that sucks, and I've so been there and I know the pain and anguish at unanswered questions. I really feel for you.

 

After 5 years, out of the blue, my ex (girlfriend at the time) came back from a family holiday, I picked her up from the airport, we went home and had sex, said we loved each other, then the next morning she said "I don't feel the same anymore". She then told me to pack up my stuff and leave, and she never wanted to see or talk again. I was so utterly devastated, and so completely taken aback that even today it doesn't feel or seem real.

 

I talked with several people at great length about it. My sisters had both dumped their first boyfriends and they talked about how they did similar things. They told me that sometimes it's just so damn hard to admit that you don't love them anymore, that your first ever love is no more, so you just keep playing the relationship game right until the very end (hell, some people go ahead with marriage plans and walk away at the altar). Something inside you snaps, and you just can't do it anymore, and you want out.

 

It wasn't until some several months went by that we spoke again and she said that it was too hard to let me go because the feelings came and went, but she knew that she didn't want to be with me anymore so was just picking the time. She didn't love me anymore, she didn't fancy me anymore, she didn't want to be with me anymore. That was that.

 

So, it doesn't matter what he told you, what matters now is that he changed his mind for whatever reasons he has. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he just doesn't love you anymore - but the words he said in the past do not matter anymore.

 

I asked him if we could meet sometime he said "I"ll think about it" which is just code for "no" isn't it?

Yep, it means no.

 

I haven't heard from him since and I don't know if I should email or call him now, to ask him to just respect me enough to give me the closure I want: tell me why he broke up with me beyond his not wanting to deal with my trust issues. I'm just really fed up because I think I deserve a second chance.

You need to understand he's using the "trust issue" as a reason, the truth is he just does not want to be with you. That is all the reasoning in the world that you need to accept what's happened and move on with your life.

 

You must let this go. Go no contact, let yourself heal, and move on. Life is too short to be wondering what someone else's lame reasons are for not wanting to be with you.

[writergal]

But at the end of the day, these fools dumped us. What can you do? Dust yourself off and hope for the best. Holding on is really just not an option, it goes nowhere, and life passes you by as you stand there.

 

You cant simply say 'I want this person so much that I'll make it work'. Doesnt work like that. Once they bail, you have no control over what they do. All you can do is stop hoping, and start making yourself happy again.

 

BCCA I know you're absolutely correct. And I am sorry you had the same experience: essentially meeting your other half (at least my ex-bf felt that way to me) only to be cast off and dumped.

 

I know I can't force my ex-bf to see my POV. And I know I am wasting my time wallowing and pining for someone who no longer cares for me. Luckily I only made a small fool of myself in calling him. I cringe to think of the consequences, had I sent him all those emails I composed to him that I saved in my "draft" file, as a way to vent and journal in response to my urge to email him. I refuse to email him because I know it will somehow come back to haunt me, and worse, he may just delete the emails and never read them which is akin to what you wrote about him NEVER giving me the answers I want or deserve.

 

How have you coped with your loss? Do you two have mutual friends? Has that been awkward? I have mutual friends with my ex-bf and they have been ignoring my invitations to get together, which makes me believe they are taking his side which seems ridiculous but that's just my wounded pride speaking.

 

To hell with my ex-bf and your ex-gf. They don't know what they gave up when they dumped us and they will never acknowledge that to us either. I can only hope I find a "close 2nd" to the ex-bf because I really felt he was "the one." Oh, I am fortune's fool, as Shakespeare would say. (Pathetic English major moment).

[writergal]

Messed-Mind: Thank you for your insight too. You are right. I already knew the answer from the day he broke up with me. I was just fighting the reality because of what I wanted to be: in a long-term successful relationship with who I thought was the man of my dreams. When in reality, he changed his mind, made up an excuse to leave the relationship by blaming me which was convenient for him. And as a result, left me standing alone, stunned, wondering what the hell just happened.

 

I may never find that strong connection and chemistry with another man in my future, that I had with my ex-bf. That is why I put such high expectations on this relationship, albeit a brief relationship, without paying much attention to all the red flags in the 3 months we were together, that were warnings to me that he was ultimately not the one that I was trying to force him to be for me, because of my expectations and my hopes.

 

Reality Bites. (Good film too).

[writergal]

Messed Mind: And thank you for sharing your experience with me. That sounds really harsh and I'm sorry for the pain and devastation your ex-gf caused you. But obviously you and BCCA have given me the best advice based on your similar experiences, so for that, I'm a really really appreciative and grateful. It does help me to know I"m not alone in experiencing such horrible rejection.