Sam Spade Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 This is related to my older post about the ex being a complete, complete wreck right now and me feeling pretyt bad about her... I don't really contemplate a second chance, but since I've always viewed relationships simply as a choice to commit rather than naything else, I'm asking myself, what if - hypothetically only, of course - I got back with her and helped her through a rough patch and worked on it thereafter? She clearly needs support and wants to come back (the only reason that I was never responsive to this was simply that she always focused on how she felt, not on the absurdity of her actions and statements...). So, what if I put my ego aside and helped someone troubled who needed it (fully understanding that she's got major, major emotional issues)? Could this ever work? Or would it be an extreme case of self-inflicted punishment. (There's no doubt that I'd seriously krimp my quality of life in may aspects if I did that.) I understand that everybody is responsible for the consequences of their own actions, but it still hurts to see somebody you care about be in such a bad situation. (It's like when you're a parent and your child gets in jail because of dealing drugs you probably won't just write them off and tell them "well, you did it to yourself"...) Again, I'm not contemplating it, but I'm interested in this as a thought experiment, and if someone who has an experienve with such a dynamics chimes in that'd be great.
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Yes I have. The same reasons I did not want the relationship were of course still there and I resented being put in the guilty position in the first place. And it was even more detrimental when we inevitably broke up again! Just don't go there. Mental issues or not the best thing you can do for her is leave her alone, let her get help, and allow her to try to move on. Even if she may not want to she will eventually have to.
Author Sam Spade Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Yes I have. The same reasons I did not want the relationship were of course still there and I resented being put in the guilty position in the first place. And it was even more detrimental when we inevitably broke up again! Just don't go there. Mental issues or not the best thing you can do for her is leave her alone, let her get help, and allow her to try to move on. Even if she may not want to she will eventually have to. (Just for the record - she was the one to dump me...) Thanks for the reply. I really, really, hope you're right. I encouraged her to get help, at least something to stabilize her depression. She said she'd do it - called me on the way to the doctor (supposedly) today, and hopefully she'll pull herself out of it. For the most part people are resilient and snap back into shape, but the problem with her is that she never really was in such good of a shape emotionally... Although I certainly wasn't the perfect boyfriend, I was quite supportive. It will be hard, and even if she manages, one thing that worries me is that she's so desperate not to be alone right now, so she could easily make some very stupid decision as far as relationships go (although a relationship is the very last thing she should be worrying about right now...). I guess I'm just a little anstry juse because I've seen two of her friends end up in rushed and ****ty marriages just because they didn't want to be alone....
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 You are the wrong person to be supporting her right now. Well, in her condition, ever actually. This only prolongs her dependence on you as a part of her life and you shouldn't be at all. Even if she was the one to dump you. Her reasons for doing so may not have anything to do with how she may react if you move on and become less available to her. Make a phone call to her friends and family. Express your concern about how she has been feeling without disclosing details that were shared in confidence and let them know that she has been relying on you and due to the fact that your relationship is over you can not be that kind of support. It is a terrible situation and you are trying to do the right thing I know. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You do not want her dependent on you. You do not want to create false hope or security in her. You do not want to keep fires stoked and smoldering which is natural if she still can rely on you. You do not want to prevent her from moving on with her life in all ways. Who knows how long she will remain in this fragile state and having her in your life she will certainly find out if you meet someone else and begin a new relationship. What will she do then? It is horrible as I said and I completely understand that. But I saw more trauma in getting back together with an ex and also trying to be friends with a few of them. One became a stalker and went to jail actually because of a reaction to my dating someone else. I am convinced this would not have happened had I just severed the relationship completely. I know it sounds harsh. Sorry.
Author Sam Spade Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Thanks, this is very helpful. I'll discretely contact/hint to friends. Unfortunately, her family will be no help at all - they're complete mess, in part responsible for her issues, but that's another story. Thanks once again. I really needed to hear a level headed outside point of view.
your_shoulder Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 well your ex obviously feels you are a good listener. But to help her you do not need to get back into an intimate relationship with her. Be her friend and help her through the hard times. Be there for her, offer to help her seek medical advice, and councelling. You should never just date someone because you feel sorry for them. It is hard on you as well as the other person.
Island Girl Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Make a phone call to her friends and family. Express your concern about how she has been feeling without disclosing details that were shared in confidence and let them know that she has been relying on you and due to the fact that your relationship is over you can not be that kind of support. It is a terrible situation and you are trying to do the right thing I know. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You do not want her dependent on you. You do not want to create false hope or security in her. You do not want to keep fires stoked and smoldering which is natural if she still can rely on you. You do not want to prevent her from moving on with her life in all ways. Thanks for plagiarizing my post! You cut and pasted it as your own, huh? Well I will take that as a compliment.
Author Sam Spade Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks for plagiarizing my post! You cut and pasted it as your own, huh? Well I will take that as a compliment. A citation was warranted, but these are such good points that I don't blame him/her for reposting
Ronni_W Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks for plagiarizing my post! IG, I'm calling it spam But. Sam is right that it was an excellent post! I've been away from LS for a bit and was looking for an update from yours of about 3 weeks ago -- hope all the paperwork and stuff is cleared up, and your reunion is totally on track
Island Girl Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks so much for the compliments Sam Spade and Ronni_W. You both made me smile! And Ronni_W - yes things are moving along. Updates are on my Immigration Frustration! thread in the Long Distance Forum. I don't want to threadjack.
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