4givrnt4gtr Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Dont you hate when popular knowledge can never be proven wrong? I dated this really amazing guy for three months. He came out of a nasty relationship of 5 years. He assured me he was fine, but little by little i realize he was still heartbroken. I was told to let it go, those types of relationships never work. I wanted to prove everyone wrong so I kept going. Plus, it was going great. We really like each other, everything was amazing. Until last weekend. He went to a party and his ex was there. After that he became broody and moody again, just like when they broke up. We talked and he insisted it wasnt because of her, but because he wasnt where all his other friends were in life. However, he kept making comments about how he couldnt truly give himself completely because he couldnt trust. How he knew we had a much better relationship yet.... Tonight he told me that though he was thankful for me, he couldnt appreciate me fully. That sparked a long conversation, which included his moving to another city, which we knew already, and how he didnt know if we could make it work. FOr a second it looked like we had a chance...but then he told me that in all honesty he wanted to be single while he was in school. I told him that in that case we would have to break up when he has to leave. But then i thought about it...whats the point...whats the point of keep going if its going to lead absolutely nowhere. SO i told him so....he was sad, he said he needed me but he understood. We hugged...we made sure we were ok...or as ok as we could. We truly like each other...but it just wont work... Now i feel so sad and funny as it might be given the shortness of it...empty... I hate it... I hate this. Now what..
exclusive. Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 do what all of us in this forum can't easily, let it go.
boldjack Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It depends on how much you care about him. Many people in this forum have gone to the wall for love. Posters have taken all kinds of abuse and lonliness, for just the slimmest chance that they can make it work. I guess, that's the key, work. From your post you two have just assumed that it won't work and so you don't even try, other than a couple of conversations. Maybe you're right and it won't work, but I would have rather tried and failed, than regret not having tried at all. (I've been there and it sucks)
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 As hurtful as it feels I think you did the right thing. Why continue on especially when he feels like it won't work. What will happen is that if you continue on with a confusing relationship and it goes on lets say for three years and he tells you tomorrow, I don't think it's going to work out because of my problems...you will be kicking yourself in the butt saying "I should have gotten out sooner", ya know what I mean. I think that you two should continue on as friends, if that can happen, but nothing more.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Ahhhh god letting go. I think it's impossible for me. I can't seem to let go of ANYTHING. It's like instead of hoarding things, I hoard emotions and thoughts.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Why resent good advice? We've all made mistakes in the past, bound and determined that through our abilities, we're capable of defeating the odds. It's what makes us human and in many ways, as usual, both our strength and our weakness. You made a decision to go forward. It didn't work. So, okay, time to move on from a losing proposition. DON'T GO ANY FURTHER! Now listen this time.
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Awww, I'm sorry 4giv! I was really hoping your anxieties were unrelated to anything factual actually going on - but now that I reread your latest threads, I think the writing was on the wall. ((4giv)) I think you both handled the break up superbly, if that's any comfort. He was upfront with you and you were honest with him. I was, oddly, put in somewhat of a similar LDR scenario last year. My ex wanted to be single when he moved to his new city, but said that "at least we had the month of May" or some such thing. I couldn't go through with it, and to this day I still don't understand how he expected us to function as a healthy couple when, in fact, we both knew we had a deadline. I felt like his offer was a betrayal of what we once had.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I felt like his offer was a betrayal of what we once had. Or it was a disclaimer about what to expect. 4givrnt4gtr, It does suck when you realize that youre not going to be the one in a million couple that makes it work. We've all been there, hoping that we would be one of the lucky few to make seemingly dismal situations work out to our liking. And like most people, unfortunately it didnt happen. Like TBF said, this willingness to try with the odds stacked against us is each of our strengths and weaknesses.
messed-mind Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 he kept making comments about how he couldnt truly give himself completely because he couldnt trust. Right there, in that sentance, you have man speak for "I don't want to be with you" and trying to get out of the relationship in the least painful way. Other such phrases might be: "I'm not in a relationship place right now" "I need to figure myself out" "I need time to myself" "I want to travel" "I've got so much on just now" ... and variations there of. I've used some of them in my immature years, so I know what I'm talking about . Sorry my dear, you need to let this one go.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Its been two days of utter misery. I cant believe 3 months can make someone feel like this. It was weird, i knew the connection we had was strong especially given the short amount of time. Even he agreed with me. Regarding "manspeak" I dont think it was the case. Cuz I called him out on it saying that in that case he needed to take time off to heal completely cuz it wasnt fair I had to pay for his ex's mistakes. He would immediately said he didnt want that, though he knew it wasnt fair. That he was conciously trying to see me for who i was and he just needed time to be able to trust me completely. I agree with Kamille that I really dont understand how he thought we could continue being with each other, the way we are, knowing it would end. It just doesnt make sense to me. I think i made him realize that, though even he accepted he wasnt sure whether he would accept entrance into school. He said he was so confused about what he wanted, that in one hand he wanted to go to school but in the other he wanted to be with me. He even considered delaying going to school for me, but he still wasnt sure what to do. I guess i pressured him for a choice and his choice was to go to school and break us up. However, even after he said that he continued to say he didnt know what he wanted for sure. This morning he texted me asking me if he could call me. Im trying to not get my hopes up, that he change his mind about breaking us up when he leaves....or that he even wants to get back together... But god hope is hard to kill....
messed-mind Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You're not understanding men. Either they want to be with you and make it work, regardless of whatever obstacles, or they don't. He has chosen the latter at this moment. Here's a story: A good mate of mine hooked up with an old school friend one christmas (she was back visiting family), he quite liked her, but didn't want her as a girlfriend. In other words, he liked the sex, but that was it. She really wanted to be with him, but he wasn't fussed. When she moved back to her place of work, a good 300 miles away, it gifted him the perfect emotional goodbye of "the distance will not work for me" and that was it. He was relieved and somewhat amused that he got away with sleeping with her and breaking it off so easily. Fast forward a year later. He's leaving his job to move 300 miles to the other side of the country. The night of his leaving night, he hooks up with the girl from his office that he always fancied: the girl of his dreams. However, he will be living 300 miles away from her. Although they have this distance, they're deeply in love with each other and they make it work living far away from one another for a good year. Now, she's got a new job where he is and they now live together and are very happy. See the difference? If men are truly into a girl, they make it work, they cross valleys and mountains to be with the girl of their dreams. I'm not saying it'll work out long distance, but they will at least try to make a good go of it. he just needed time to be able to trust me completely Sorry, this is just complete bull***** !! Don't you see how he's projecting his woeful interest in the relationship onto you? It's the oldest "man not interested" trick in the book to a break up; make the woman think that they're the problem. Why do you want to be with someone this early on that doesn't trust you?! Why do you want to be with someone who's so emotionally unavailable? I'm trying to make you see past the cheap easy words you're being fed, if this is how cut up you are after only three months, imagine what you're going to feel like being led up the garden path for another three only for the same thing to happen
EasyHeart Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 You're not understanding men. Either they want to be with you and make it work, regardless of whatever obstacles, or they don't. He has chosen the latter at this moment. No need to hate on us men-folk. Women do the exact same thing. . .
messed-mind Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I am a guy, that makes me in an even better position to make that statement .
Donovan Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 trust me 4giv, these things NEVER work so early. not to say u were a rebound, but in any relationship where one person is coming off a break up after being together for so long, they haven't healed fully yet. i bet when he found out what she was doing with her man he'd say, "well she never did that with me". or instead of just telling you he didn't want to be with you, he led you on even more for insurance and would say silly stuff like, "i think we need to take it slow", when you're taking it slow as turtle birth already. some people just don't get it that they are selfish and live for themselves and themselves only. i understand. he liked you, but he REALLY loved his ex and no matter how good you were to him, you never really had a chance. this just happened to me 2 weeks ago. a girl i was with, kept lying and used my close friend who was just killed as a reason why she couldn't be with me. she used every excuse in the book except the truth that i eventually told her that she was still in love with a men that didn't want her so she used me as a substitute as she will do the next. I'm still hurting a bit now just as you are but I'm going to be ok cuz i expected it and am not shocked at all. I hope you recover well. I'll pray for you.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Well interestingly enough.... He called me on Friday morning.... I couldnt get the call...I actually left for the weekend and didnt talk to him until Sunday afternoon. Long story short he called me telling me he realized he was making rash decision out of fear and not wanting to hurt me down the road if the long distance thing didnt work. However, he felt that our relationship was too good to let it die and that being with me made him realize that he needed to start taking risks, especially when he felt he was giving up someone he cared for so much and he had always wished for. He said that despite his fear of what might be eventually he wanted to give it an honest try, whether he left the city or not. I also asked him about his past and he told me that his ex had nothing do do with his fear other than remind him that his best intentions and plans might not be enough to make things work. He assures me that he doesnt have any feelings for her, and if anything I made him see what was missing with her. I told him my misgivings about his whole "i cant trust you and im holding back" ish. He said that though he had been hurt and it scared him that i might hurt him as well, at this point holding back wasnt an option for him. So he asked me if i was still willing to work with him and see where it will lead. That having experienced being with me and then being without me those few days made him miserable but he would understand if i couldnt do it anymore. Well, im taking a chance. I know the gamble im taking...but at least he came to his own realization all on his own. Messed-mind trust me I know thats how EVERYONE works...despite what one of my best friends said about how some people just dont work that way, that are more rational...total BS. if you want something no matter how hard it might be, you at least give it a try. Thats why i broke it off. To me if was obvious that if he didnt even want to try, it was cuz he didnt care for me enough. I guess Im still hopeful that I might just be that special that we might beat the odds... I guess we'll see
messed-mind Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Well there you go. Like I said, he either wants it to work or doesn't; clearly he wants it to work.
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