Sam Spade Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 This is not really a question of a second chance at this point, so this is not entirely approrpriate to post it here, but I guess close enough... Basically, my ex who dumped me 9 months ago called me. She is now in an extremely bad situation: lonely, poor, and probably about to fail professionally (no way to finish her PhD degree in time, super depressed, problems with her boss/supervisor, funding uncertainty etc.). Basically, she's severely depressed and pretty much giving up (which would literally destroy her life). She pretty much does not do her work (except maybe a bare minimum, but probably not enough to fake it...). She dumped me for another dude, and then spent 6 months on and off with him until he got sick of her "pining over her ex (me)" and dumped her. (Her story is that she loves me and loved me all along, and that's why she kept breaking up with him...; Now of course I'm the bad guy who "misled" her into breaking up with that dude and then didn't take her back; While in reality all I did was to point out that she's got to be kidding me to try to talk about reconciliation before dumping him...). During all this she had never openly and sincerely acknowledged how wrong she approached all this, it was all about how she felt and how come I don't understand etc. Anyway, that's not the point. Although so much time has passed, I obviously care about her, and I'm really, really worried that she's in a close to hopeless situation - there is a credible risk that she could find herself on the street this summer unless something changes. The worst part is that I had these fears about her since the moment she broke up with me, and now it is all happening. The problem is that there's really nothing I can do. She says that I'm the only one who can help her by being there for her. I have no idea what this means. So, what I did was to advice her to seek urgent medical (psychiatric) attention for her depression, which should also provide her with some medical excuse for her advisor/academic department (?). Not that this would solve all problems... She's reluctant, but hopefully she'll do it. (of course, her story is that the source of all her problems is me, and how I rejected and misled her...) She's extremely lonely, can't seem to be able to handle being alone etc... Weirdest part is - she wants me to visit (she's in another city). Basically, she feels down and seeing me will somehow make her feel better and help her solve all her problems... I'm open to any and all suggestions... I'm really worried about her, but at the same time I feel pretty powerless... . (And please spare me the "screw this crazy ho" comments - if I could, I would...)
Author Sam Spade Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I guess the only silver lining to this fiasco is me appreciating even more my current low-key, SANE, no-drama, no-insanity, sweet, sweet girlfriend... (an important bit of info I forgot to mention in the OP). I'm not fully invested in her yet, but I like her a lot and hope that things will get more involved and certainly don't want to do anything that could endanger my relationship with her (though merely talking with an ex already is a step in that direction...). I really don't know what I expect to hear, but somehow I ended up really shattered after talking the the ex, she's in a big, big, hole...
Bluebird In My Heart Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I have been through depression several times in my life - I'm talking Clinical. So perhaps I can be helpful here. You can't fix her, but you can do what you have been doing, which is supporting her in some ways. You can not be with her, since you have this budding relationship with someone that you care for, and the beginning of any relationship is a fragile time. Your ex is in an extreme state of mind, her life is falling down around her ears, but there is nothing you can do about it besides what you are doing (I read your other thread) - she is confused, can not concentrate, and is pointing the finger at her environment (the people in it, the people not in it). She's in heavy denial, managed to deny it until it got to this point. IF (not saying you would), but IF you came along in the way she wants you to, you would likely be hindering her. It would be yet another way for her to deny the problem, not face it and go through the hard, hard work it takes to get any kind of equilibrium. You have encouraged her to get help, and the follow-through is really up to her. She MUST take responsibility for her own mental and emotional health - look at what happens when she denies the issue. I've been where she is. It's not pretty. It's hell on earth, actually. You are amazing for caring for her as you are. But never forget, she has to do this...otherwise you are taking from yourself, taking from your current gf, and the worst part of all is you would never give her any lasting benefit if she leans on you overmuch anyway, so it's an exercise in futility. Going for her PhD? Huh. Perfect scenario for depression for anyone prone to it (and even some who aren't )! She'll have to speak to her advisor and see if she can have that support or not. If she doesn't get it, it won't be the end of the world. There have been many who in the end were happier that they never got one. Basically, she feels down and seeing me will somehow make her feel better and help her solve all her problems... She probably does perceive that this is the way things are atm. Her perception is wonky right now, and will be for some time to come. She avoided this until it got bad...I totally get it, but I can understand why this must be bewildering to someone who hadn't been through it. I geniunely feel for her. It's f*cking exhausting when it gets this dark. No one can really help her besides a professional I'm afraid. I'm so sorry... *hugs to you*
kizik Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Sam, you have a new GF? Then you are disrespecting EVERYone - you, your GF, and your ex - by being in contact with your ex. I understand that you feel concern for the ex. But she lost all rights to your kindness when she dumped you. She. Dumped. You. End of story. You did the right thing by telling her to go the professional route. Now cut contact again before you start pissing off your GF (who doesn't deserve to be put in this situation.) PS. I have been advising A LOT today, and if people want me to shut up, please say so. I'm serious.
EmperorR Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 And once she's bck to her good ol cheerful self, you will probably be given the door yet again.
Author Sam Spade Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Wow, thank you all, thank you so much for the constructive replies. (Especially BIMH:love:). Now 24 hours later I calmed down a bit, but it was pretty bad yesterday . BIMH - you're absolutely, completely, 1000% spot on on everything... Nobody can do it for her but her... So realising this really calmed me down a bit. It's not "tough love", there's just no other way. You can be in denial for only so long. She's got a very tough uphill battle on all fronts in her life, but, she'll either have to figure it out or ruin her life and that's that. As for being an ex, and a dumper , true that this means revocation of all kindness rights , but still - it would be pretty distressing to see even a complete stranger at such a low point in their life, much less a person I've shared almost half of my adult life with But, overall, after reading all this, I feel much better, so thanks once again.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Glad I could help. Now take that sweet gf out for a nice time, give her a kiss, and let her know how lucky she is to have you! Spring is here, and it's time to embrace the new! You have so much good stuff ahead of you.
nycmikey Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I was in a basically the same situation as you my gf.left me and 6 months later came back with all that garbage she loved me,she was down and out also just left her new dude so me being the guy i am i took her back,long story short she just dumped me 3 weeks ago,and it was 3 yrs of hell after we got back together my advice to u is run,or think of her with that other guy any time u want to feel sorry for her,she didnt feel sorry for u when she was with her new guy.Move on
Author Sam Spade Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 I was in a basically the same situation as you my gf.left me and 6 months later came back with all that garbage she loved me,she was down and out also just left her new dude so me being the guy i am i took her back,long story short she just dumped me 3 weeks ago,and it was 3 yrs of hell after we got back together my advice to u is run,or think of her with that other guy any time u want to feel sorry for her,she didnt feel sorry for u when she was with her new guy.Move on Sorry about that... If it is not too much to ask you to remember, I'd be interested to hear some details,. other's stories always help.
Author Sam Spade Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Glad I could help. Now take that sweet gf out for a nice time, give her a kiss, and let her know how lucky she is to have you! Spring is here, and it's time to embrace the new! You have so much good stuff ahead of you. Thanks, and that's exactly what happened yesterday, and thank god - I also begun to realise I'm lucky w/ her too. And it was much necessary, because all that drama with the ex gf set the clock back on the recovery many, many months. But my current gf has so many positive traits that she's easily trumping most of my concerns. Well, as most people struggling with break ups know, her only major fault is that... she's not the ex..., but this will be going away in due time as well
samspade Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 If you are truly concerned, as in it's life or death, call someone in her family and express your concern for her well-being. Otherwise, I agree with everyone, don't be Capt. Save-A-Chick. Only SHE can take that first step and turn her life around.
sugarmomma Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Yea remember she did dump you after all. Sounds like she just wants to be rescued. I measn really think about it- would she be contacting you if evrything was great in her life (school, relationship, job etc)? I hate it when people treat me like a refrigerator and only come to me when they need something. I think you have done enough but to go and visit her? No, she may give you the most awesome BJ of your life and the next thing you know you're right back in her trap. Don't fall for the banana in the tailpipe!!
Author Sam Spade Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Two sam spades. Wow. C'mon, it's not that suprising - Bogie's awesomness surely can inspire more than one guy at the same time .
Author Sam Spade Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Well, today is her birthday (32nd). I guess the good thing is that it took me almost the entire day to realise this, but once I did, it triggered all the anxiety after she contacted me in such a miserable condition a couple of weeks ago. Have not spoke to her since. I think I would have felt so much better if she just dumped me, moved onto better and greater things, and was happy. Instead, her dumping me was just one instance of a long pattern of self-sabotaging and self-destructive behavior, and so were her quasi-attempts at reconciliation (more like cries for help and further self-sabotage, rather than genuine attempts to reconcile...). So, I'm hoping she feels supported today and snaps out of that rut. 32 year old, career not yet started, major emotional issues, feeling 5 years older by her own admission etc. - all the things that I feared, are happening. Initially i thought I was just being "condescending" by being worried for her, but the simple truth is I simply know her, and saw this coming. Somehow, rambling made me feel better .
Woggle Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Let her rot in the mess she created for herself. She has nobody to blame but herself and she is the one to blame for her situation. Don't come running to the rescue now that she has nobody else because if somebody else comes along she will do the same thing over again. She made her bed now let her lie in it.
stephy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 This is not really a question of a second chance at this point, so this is not entirely approrpriate to post it here, but I guess close enough... Basically, my ex who dumped me 9 months ago called me. She is now in an extremely bad situation: lonely, poor, and probably about to fail professionally (no way to finish her PhD degree in time, super depressed, problems with her boss/supervisor, funding uncertainty etc.). Basically, she's severely depressed and pretty much giving up (which would literally destroy her life). She pretty much does not do her work (except maybe a bare minimum, but probably not enough to fake it...). She dumped me for another dude, and then spent 6 months on and off with him until he got sick of her "pining over her ex (me)" and dumped her. (Her story is that she loves me and loved me all along, and that's why she kept breaking up with him...; Now of course I'm the bad guy who "misled" her into breaking up with that dude and then didn't take her back; While in reality all I did was to point out that she's got to be kidding me to try to talk about reconciliation before dumping him...). During all this she had never openly and sincerely acknowledged how wrong she approached all this, it was all about how she felt and how come I don't understand etc. Anyway, that's not the point. Although so much time has passed, I obviously care about her, and I'm really, really worried that she's in a close to hopeless situation - there is a credible risk that she could find herself on the street this summer unless something changes. The worst part is that I had these fears about her since the moment she broke up with me, and now it is all happening. The problem is that there's really nothing I can do. She says that I'm the only one who can help her by being there for her. I have no idea what this means. So, what I did was to advice her to seek urgent medical (psychiatric) attention for her depression, which should also provide her with some medical excuse for her advisor/academic department (?). Not that this would solve all problems... She's reluctant, but hopefully she'll do it. (of course, her story is that the source of all her problems is me, and how I rejected and misled her...) She's extremely lonely, can't seem to be able to handle being alone etc... Weirdest part is - she wants me to visit (she's in another city). Basically, she feels down and seeing me will somehow make her feel better and help her solve all her problems... I'm open to any and all suggestions... I'm really worried about her, but at the same time I feel pretty powerless... . (And please spare me the "screw this crazy ho" comments - if I could, I would...) ok some things got me thinking in your post your opening line which was this is not a post about second chance at this point.Which to me reads not at this time .then the line you put where she thinks you misled her when you told her shes got to be kidding you if she wants to talk about reconcilliation while her and the other was still together.Which you have to take into consideration her state of mind when you told her that she was depressed etc etc.you saying the simple line of reconciliation while you are still with him made her think ok i can have him back if i dump this guy.If you truly care about her then you have to be perfectly clear when you are talking to her.You never once said if you told the girl about the girl you are seeing now? Seems to me you didnt tell her.She may think you are the only one who can help her but she is the only one who can snap herself out of the depression she is in not you.The more you talk to her etc.etc. the more she is going to think she needs you and wants you etc.etc. It would be best in my opinion to cut all ties with her but before you do if you could have a talk with her family and let them know whats going on that way she will have someone watching out for her.But if you still keep in contact with her let her know about your new woman and watch what and how you say things to her. She is not in the right frame of mind and is going to grasp at anything and everything to make her feel that you still want her.
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