sakeeta Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I have been in an on again off again relationship with a man for almost 4 years now. For me, he is the love of my life. I have sacrificed much, including my well being, in my efforts to make this relationship work..and a year and a half ago I finally gave up. This was the 3rd time we had split. In every instance, his ex wife and ex in-laws were a partial cause..and the last one involved them along with difficulties in how he dealt with his children that caused a lot of friction between us. There were other problems as well, but other than those I always felt we could deal with them. It was a terribly painful breakup..one from which I still have not recovered from. I have spent the past year and a half struggling to put my shattered heart and life back together, trying to deal with the fact that what I had worked so hard for was not going to work..and learning to accept that no matter how much I loved him, I couldn't make it work, although I've never understood why. My whole idea of what love and relationships mean and how they should be have been totally destroyed. I moved away, am in the beginning of treatment for major depression after giving up trying to fight it on my own, have made plans to go to school..and have been trying to make a new plan for my life alone. At 43, it has been a hard road. I came back to the area we lived in to visit my daughter, and I accidentally ran into his brother at a mutual friends house. I knew that he would tell him I was here..but I never expected in a million years that he would show up at my daughters house..but he did. After virtually no contact for a year and a half..he has told me that he misses me, that he knows he messed up (again), that he was and still is in love with me..and to top it all off..if I were to come back he would MARRY me. He said, and I believe him, that there has been no one else..because he doesn't want anyone else. He just wants to be with me again. His kids have grown and moved out, and he has much less to do with his ex in laws and ex wife then he did before. I was and am totally stunned..and I don't know what to believe or think. There is a part of me that really wonders if he is trying to drive me insane. I have had a really, really hard time since we split. I have worked really hard this time convincing myself that in spite of how I had always felt and believed, that it just wasn't the right thing...that my guts were just wrong. I have lost a lot, including myself. I have struggled to come to grips and move on..and now this! As of this moment, I have no plans to move back here..I am going on with my plans to go to school. I told him as much. I also told him I don't trust him..not at all. He said he doesn't blame me. I also told him that if he is serious, he will just have to wait until I am done..and in the meantime he has a lot to prove to me. If he really wants it bad enough, then he will wait..and he will prove himself. Do I dare hope? Do I dare open my heart again? Is it possible for this to succeed? I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone else had a relationship finally come together and work after so much trauma? Or should I just go on as if this conversation never happened and forget about it. I am blindsided, confused and I really don't know what to do!
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I am kind of in the midst of this myself. I am in a 2 year relationship (1 breakup 6 months ago) and it often causes me a lot of pain and hurt but on the opposing side, brings a lot of happiness and the purest joy i've ever felt. And I truly think that CAN drive you insane; that bittersweet combination of the agony and suffering that love can bring along with the most profound highs. It's like a drug. It can be like a kind of torture. I don't know if it's worth holding onto something that can cause you so much hurt....just because it can also promise you the most powerful highs. I guess the sacrifice then is that you have to take the moments of bliss with the moments of pain. Love is completely possible without trust, as are relationships, but then you need to accept the moments of suspicion, paranoia, that 'limbo' feeling, hurt and at times misery. As you said, he will need to be the active one and prove alot to you. What were the issues regarding his ex wife etc that caused so many problems for you? I would suggest it may be better for you to continue walking rather than returning to something that caused you so much pain. Is there any evidence that he truly has changed?
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