wishlist Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 About 7 months ago I started seeing a really nice guy whom I had met a at a class we did together. The relationship became very intense very quickly, and at about the 3 month mark, I found myself asking him to slow the pace as Istarted to feel quite smothered. Both of us had been single for quite a few years and are in our 40's. My requests to slow down the relationship seemed to fall on deaf ears and the pressure began to further mount, with a need to see me & contact me more. Declarations of love and need started within a month of the relationship and the slow dating period fell away to a full blown relationship with future plans and wanting to meet my family & friends, plans for moving in, renovations , buying a property together etc etc. My asking for the relationship to slow down only brought panic and more desperation -with texts and calls , everytime I wanted to chat he had such great fears that the relationship would end , though this was never my intention at the start. His constant need to discuss the relationship started right from day one - the fun and sponteneity of dating soon left. He started having days when he would make long calls at work in a new job or 1st thing in the morning after we had just seen each other , he would become quite flat and stressed at work , and needed comfort . sometimes he would develop illnesses like rashes , sinus , arm pains ,headaches , I am not sure if they were even real as he would never get treated - was this just for my attention? I ended the relationship 4 months later as I developed insomnia and started having panic attacks and anxiety, and could not concentrate on him or the relationship. Within a month the relationship resumed with his promise that it would be a very slow at my pace, so that I could build up trust and regain my health. All went well until I left on a trip with friends for a few days, and the boundaries I had set in place were all broken .The needy calls, texts started again , his flat mood and fatigue came back and he stated taking control of when we would see one another, and plans with my family ?! I suggested he seek help or that we seek counselling together. He can’t recognise that he has emotional issues that need to be dealt with and tells me that I keep running away. I ended the relationship as I felt it was not healthy and could not continue. I am very sad :(and realise I can do nothing to help him, he doesn't recognise he is behaving so controlling and thinks he treats me like a Queen. He is so kind and emotional and when we are together we have such a good time, but when I am not with him he turns into another person. Why is he acting this way? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this ? any advice would be appreciated
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I have experience with this because I AM like this, or at least have my moments, so if you wish I could give you some insight into how I feel from my side? Of course we are all different but it may give you some insight into how he is feeling? Of course being clingy is horrible for the person being clinged too, but it is not pleasant for the 'clinger' either.
huck Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 have to admit as well - ive had these problems being the clinger. It caused problems in my last relationship - although they are not on the same scale as your ex. Things like checking where my girlfriend was when she was out with her mates, texting a bit too much when shes out, calling etc and looking for constant signs of attention and confirmation of our relationship. Maybe it comes down to trust issues - something that happended when I was a kid - im not sure. But its something i've addressed and will never do in any future relationship.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 have to admit as well - ive had these problems being the clinger. It caused problems in my last relationship - although they are not on the same scale as your ex. Things like checking where my girlfriend was when she was out with her mates, texting a bit too much when shes out, calling etc and looking for constant signs of attention and confirmation of our relationship. Maybe it comes down to trust issues - something that happended when I was a kid - im not sure. But its something i've addressed and will never do in any future relationship. How did you manage to address it?
huck Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How did i address it..?? After the split my ex told me one of the reasons for the break up was me Smothering her/ being needey. Went into geek mode and checked out some sites on the net and came across this one - http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1847&start=2 Every single thing on there described me and i thought **** - this is going to ruin any potential relationship in the future. With my last girlfriend she made out with a guy ( just kissing ) a couple of weeks into our relationship and that always put thoughts into my mind when she went out. As the saying go's ' You learn from your mistakes '.. Funny thing is I was talking to my best mate this week and he told me that he was discussing my relationship with his partner.. she told him that she would love a bloke to text/call while shes out as its a sign of caring/love.. suppose its down to the individual.. Oh well !!
messed-mind Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Abandonment issues?... I'll second that. It's not that he's too needy, he's just far too intense, far too soon. I dated a very attractive girl, very successful girl once who wanted to be in a relationship immediately after a couple of dates. She invited me up to her house one weekend, expecting it to be the two of us, and she had me meet her family, her grandparents and then invited me to her grandparents' anniversary that night infront of them (so I couldn't say no). She wouldn't let go of me, or let me our her sight all night. I couldn't wait to get away from it. We broke up shortly after. You did the right thing by setting up boundaries with him but it's not getting through to him as he's broken them already. My only suggestion is that he needs to work on himself, his own self-esteem and his own insecurities before getting into a relationship with anyone. I doubt he'll be able to do that on his own.
EllieBean Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 My bf smothers me, but I like it, because I'm high maintenance and I like a lot of attention. I also smother him a bit, and he likes it too, so I guess we're just the same sort of people who like to have an intense and close relationship, and it's great because it works for both of us. We got intense very quickly - we were in love after 6-7 weeks, and within 2-3 months suggestions of marriage were being jokingly tossed around - but as we both like being intense and heavily emotional we were both fine with it. My point is that perhaps your bf is just one of those people who like to have a very intense relationship, and who gets heavily involved very quickly, and perhaps you're not the kind of person who likes that? To you, backing off a bit isn't a big deal, whereas to him it's a rejection and he isn't getting the intense emotional closeness that he craves. To him it seems like you're running away, because he wants more closeness that you're willing to offer. I can understand that, because to me a "normal" level of closeness seems like a cold relationship, and my friends all tell me that my relationship is too intense, but I like it that way. I guess your bf could learn to back off a bit and give you some space, but I don't know if that would make him feel happy and fulfilled, because he really wants that closeness and it sounds like you aren't prepared to offer it.
Author wishlist Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Hi to everyone who has posted a reply . thankyou all so much . I was doubting myself so much thinking I was too cold or distant .. and I realise everyone has different styles . and what works for one person doesn't work for another. I know my style , slow and relaxed. I have told him I love him dearly but I can't change him. nor him me . so we are kind of stalemate. I am seeing a councillor because I freaked out so much and got so anxious , and dearly want to change my dating patterns Unfortunately he ignores me when I have suggested him seeing someone . what can one do .. as the saying goes , you can lead a horse to water ... thanks again
Author wishlist Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 yes please some insight would be good
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