CaliforniaGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I don't know if this is an appropriate question for this forum. I hope I don't cross any lines by asking it. I have heard of people who were gay but got married in order to "be normal" or "seem normal" or because it was "the thing to do," etc. I actually can see that--I don't think it can be very easy to be gay in certain communities...not every place is accepting of differences. So I think I understand that part. What I don't understand is...um. I'll try to tap dance around this so it doesn't get graphic. Well...sometimes, the spouse later says, "I had no idea" and that the sex was fine in the beginning. Look...I'm a woman and I know that a woman COULDN'T arouse me. It just wouldn't happen. I mean what can ya do. I'm not disgusted by the thought; I just can't imagine being excited with a woman. However, from the male POV...he has to actually go one further. He has to not only feel aroused, pretend, close his eyes or what-have-you, but he has to get an erection...seal the deal...etc. How does this happen? Can one be gay and not fully know it himself? (I'm speaking about men here but obviously it works both ways, I'm sure.) Can a gay person still be turned on by the opposite sex sometimes? For instance, can he like a part of the female anatomy, but still be gay? I'm very confused. This is an offshoot of a poster asking another poster on here whether her spouse might be gay. Also, what would some signs be of a spouse being gay? I'm not being cute here. I'm curious. And, well, to be honest...this thought has actually crossed my mind in my marriage once or twice. I feel horrible saying that but it's true. Just...any help would be great. Even just food for thought. Thanks a bunch.
bomber54 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It happens, for sure. According to More magazine, women can get married, have children and later in life become unfulfilled. They start to notice their best friend in another way and are attracted. If they experiment, like I'm sure my wife did, it's like trying to get a well-packaged item back in the box. It will never happen. I guess women seem to know what turns another woman on, God forbid they actually tell the husband "do this" it makes me aroused. Women know w/o having to tell thier gay partner. After a year of marriage, I certainly knew what aroused my wife. Why things changed, I don't know. But now, past mid life, I have to deal with it and I don't know how to explain it to my kids or their kids. It all just sucks so bad. Oprah is no help nor all the other shows for women who encourage stepping outside the box for personal fulfillment including becoming a lesbian. And NO I don't think all gays are born that way - some maybe - but not the majority. It's like anything else immoral - you have to supress it just like I supress the urge to steal something - it's so easy at self check-outs.
axisdenied Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 OP- Hi. I am gay. I've been aware of it since I was 11. I've gotta tell ya . . . life between the ages of 11 and 15 REALLY sucked. I thought to myself > 1000 times how much easier my future would have been to envision could I only believe the idea that I could be happy with a member of the opposite sex. To answer your question -yes, I think plenty of gay folks will marry somebody of the opposite gender to seem 'normal.' It may have zero to do with the type of love they have for their spouse. Maybe they wanted to be parents. Maybe they wanted a sense of government-ordained security. Maybe they wanted to understand their straight peers better. Maybe they wanted to please their family of origin. Maybe they just had such a huge endearment for the other person that they allowed it to become sexual. Who knows for sure? there are a TON of reasons for doing that and they're different from person to person. Anyway, what are the signs of homosexuality in your spouse? "Hey, spouse, I'm gay!" that is the ONLY sign you get. Sexual *identity* is a choice. Your feelings for another person may not be, but the interpretation is 100% subjective. Suspect all you want. It isn't really going to be any of your business unless the other person decides that it is. I hope this helps you but I'm kind of doubting that it will. 99% of the posts I read on this site seem to be here because nobody is much asking themself 'Am *I* happy? and if not, what can *I* do about it?' Be selfish! if your partner isn't attracted to you, cut your losses and find somebody who is! ect, ect. One final thought: I've been in a relationship where the person left me to be with a member opposite my sex. I had my suspicions and they really wore me down at the time. Three months out of that relationship I saw that it didn't really matter what was happening with my former SO at the time . . . the thing that really brought me down was the fact that I was putting them ahead of my own happiness. You are the only person of which you'll ever have direct awareness. For that reason, nobody should ever seem more special to you than you are. Sorry for any possible flightyness . . . I kind of posted this for you and the gentleman directly below you in the thread. I do hope it helps. Peace, A
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 Thank you. Yes, this helps a lot.
Trialbyfire Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I sometimes wonder in the case of men who get married and have children, whether they're bisexual v. homosexual and move towards homosexuality in their latter years due to a part of them that they've denied for the first half of their lives.
Isolde Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 As we see homosexuality become more accepted, I wonder if we will see more bisexual men. Bisexuality in males isn't very common, according to scientific studies. But I still believe it exists...I believe very much in the spectrum of sexuality, where most of us are hetero, some of us could become bi given the right person, some are fully bi, some are mostly gay, and some fully gay. IMHO, bisexual people, if they want to invest in marriage, need to stay faithful to that one partner. In other words, they'd be best off doing their experimenting before deciding to settle down.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I sometimes wonder in the case of men who get married and have children, whether they're bisexual v. homosexual and move towards homosexuality in their latter years due to a part of them that they've denied for the first half of their lives. homosexuality is learned
Trialbyfire Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 homosexuality is learned I kenna imagine learning to desire women. You either have passion for it or not.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I kenna imagine learning to desire women. thats refreshing
OpenBook Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 The following is my take on gay guys only (not gay women). I have heard of people who were gay but got married in order to "be normal" or "seem normal" or because it was "the thing to do," etc. I believe this happens a lot... way more than people think. I think gay guys get married in order to provide their children with a "normal" environment, so they won't go through the societal shunning that they themselves did (or are afraid they would if they came out of the closet). My heart goes out to them. What an awful choice that must be. Living such a lie like that, all to give their kid a better shot in life than they had. Well...sometimes, the spouse later says, "I had no idea" and that the sex was fine in the beginning. I will never believe that. The spouse is lying to the public to protect herself. (NJ's McGreevey comes to mind.) There's no way she could NOT have known. He was carrying on affairs with men, and was sloppy about covering them up. (I'll bet his PR guy was ready to choke him half the time!!) Not that I blame her for lying about it. It's nobody's damn business what their marriage was like. How does this happen? Can one be gay and not fully know it himself? (I'm speaking about men here but obviously it works both ways, I'm sure.) Can a gay person still be turned on by the opposite sex sometimes? For instance, can he like a part of the female anatomy, but still be gay? I'm very confused. Oh, I think they're fully aware of it. But a lot of times I think family pressure forces them to suppress it. I do believe that gay guys can (and do) "fake it" successfully with women. They might even enjoy it. But their primary attraction is for men. Also, what would some signs be of a spouse being gay? He might look at other men in a way that straight guys don't. It's the look in his eyes, the expresson on his face when he's checking out other dudes. Straight guys are sizing up the competition. Gay guys are sizing up a potential next encounter, admiring the prey. Also, he might view gay porn. I don't care what anyone says... a true straight guy is grossed-out by gay porn. If he's into it, he's gay. One more thing - sometimes they all-too-vehemently deny they're gay when confronted about it... acting all insulted, won't let it go. It's a coverup. Straight guys would stay calm about it, even make a joke of it. Gay guys take it (the accusation) a little too seriously.
doushenka Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 homosexuality is learned So is slavish devotion to outmoded, irrational thinking. Funny, that.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 So is slavish devotion to outmoded, irrational thinking. Funny, that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10jVbWyH-WM&feature=related
Citizen Erased Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10jVbWyH-WM&feature=related How the heck did you even come across that? Brilliant.
boxing123 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 There is no "gay" gene. I think most gays have had some terrible home life,(or an absent father etc) and somehow their ability to bond with a member of the opposite sex was stunted. There actually are men who sleep with farm animals. They grew up on a farm. Were they "born liking farm animals?" Guys in prison have sex with other men. Are they gay? Have they been suppressing urges?
39388 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 There is no "gay" gene. I think most gays have had some terrible home life,(or an absent father etc) and somehow their ability to bond with a member of the opposite sex was stunted. There actually are men who sleep with farm animals. They grew up on a farm. Were they "born liking farm animals?" Guys in prison have sex with other men. Are they gay? Have they been suppressing urges? You must be the world leader in genetics since nobody has proven anything on this. How would you know what kind of home lives they've had? How would I know given that I am straight? People who are gay know better than either of us and those that I know disagree with you. Oh no, the slippery slope garbage again with the animals. :rolleyes: Why am I even responding to such ignorance?
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 IMO it's because these people are not 100% gay, rather they are bisexual with a preference for the same sex. According to Kinsey many people are neither fully straight or fully gay, for example. So a bisexual but gay-leaning man can still get it up and have passable sex with a woman, but won't get turned on 100% like he would with a male partner that he really feels a strong connection with? I think you are making the mistake of thinking sexuality is black and white on gender roles and attraction, whereas its more fluid and shades of grey than what you are assuming.
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 homosexuality is learned Really? So if you take a genuinely straight person, you think you can "teach" them to get sexually aroused by the same gender? I disagree.
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 There is no "gay" gene. I think most gays have had some terrible home life,(or an absent father etc) and somehow their ability to bond with a member of the opposite sex was stunted. There actually are men who sleep with farm animals. They grew up on a farm. Were they "born liking farm animals?" Guys in prison have sex with other men. Are they gay? Have they been suppressing urges? If that is true, why will some guys lust after a slim 19 year old male model, or want to take it up the ass from some greased-up bodybuilder, yet not be able to even get an erection if a naked Angelina Jolie lookalike jumped into their bed?
Chat Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 homosexuality is learned Homophobia points to closet homosexuality
burning 4 revenge Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Homophobia points to closet homosexualityits homophobic to have an opinion about homosexuality? this is why some people call liberals the new fascists
burning 4 revenge Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Really? So if you take a genuinely straight person, you think you can "teach" them to get sexually aroused by the same gender? I disagree. well luckily for you youve obviously never been in prison
Recommended Posts