redant Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It can be frustrating. We have been dating about 4 months. He was in real estate now is pretty short on money although he owns real estate. So I bring in more income right now. This is frustrating to me, because I feel obligated to pay for myself. He pays at times. It's just I'm not used to it. We are the same age. I just don't want him to take advantage, I don't easily share my money anyway. I guess I need help too and I'm used to saving my money when I date someone. He did pay in beg and does things that make me happy. Any suggestions?
St. Nick Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Just put your foot down firmly and tell him to stop paying. Don't let it slide. If you feel more comfortable paying for yourself then do it.
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I just don't want him to take advantage, I don't easily share my money anyway. I guess I need help too and I'm used to saving my money when I date someone. He paid in the beginning and tries to at times right now as well so it doesn't seem as though he is trying to take advantage of you in this way. If you haven't noticed there are a lot of people (just about everybody) that have been affected by the state of our economy and a lot of those in the real estate industry have been feeling the pain for a long time now. You seem to have an issue with money from the statement above. You say you do not easily share your money and see dating as an opportunity to save all of yours while spending all of his - kind of hypocritical right? If you are fine with this line of thinking and you still want to date this guy then find things you can do that are free. That makes it a non issue in the short term. (Long term it may still be though so you should probably think about that before you invest a lot of time and energy.) If doing free things (or inexpensive things) like outings to a park, etc. is not appealing to you and you still want to go out in ways that cost either be prepared to contribute or find a different guy to date. You just may have to be single for a while because many are in the same financial position he seems to be in. And you should examine what you are going to do in a more committed relationship so when that possibility presents itself you can get your money issue out on the table and find a workable solution that you are both comfortable with. The number one reason cited for divorce is financial. Of course if you only date people after seeing their portfolio and qualifying them that way this may be a non issue. Some men will choose not to date you instead of a reveal but you may find some takers. Just be aware that there may be some non negotiable things those men will be looking for as well.
confused_2008 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Wow, I'm surprised there aren't more guys in here tearing you apart. To be frank, your post reeks of entitlement. You prefer to save your money and spend the guy's money when you two are dating? You said you feel obligated to pay for yourself. Does that mean you're paying for him too, or just yourself? I think you need to reevaluate your view on this situation.
manugeorge Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It can be frustrating. We have been dating about 4 months. He was in real estate now is pretty short on money although he owns real estate. So I bring in more income right now. This is frustrating to me, because I feel obligated to pay for myself. He pays at times. It's just I'm not used to it. We are the same age. I just don't want him to take advantage, I don't easily share my money anyway. I guess I need help too and I'm used to saving my money when I date someone. He did pay in beg and does things that make me happy. Any suggestions? So he is going through hard times financially and you have a hard time going dutch? meaning you still want him to cover your share???? Surely you jest:lmao:
Chicago_Guy Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It can be frustrating. We have been dating about 4 months. He was in real estate now is pretty short on money although he owns real estate. So I bring in more income right now. This is frustrating to me, because I feel obligated to pay for myself. He pays at times. It's just I'm not used to it. We are the same age. I just don't want him to take advantage, I don't easily share my money anyway. I guess I need help too and I'm used to saving my money when I date someone. He did pay in beg and does things that make me happy. Any suggestions? Are you really going dutch, or are you paying for his costs on dates? I don't see how he's taking advantage of you if you go dutch on the dates. I guess the bigger question is - are you losing respect for him because he is unable to provide for you?
loveslife Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Is saving your money your main reason for dating? Do you get offended when women are called gold diggers? You give women a bad name. Sorry, it's true though. And it makes it harder for the rest of us who don't think that way but men wonder if we do. But maybe the post is a joke. I hope so.
loveslife Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 One more thing, it probably makes him feel a little inadequate to be struggling with money right now. Guys often equate their income to their self-worth. I hope you're not putting him down for having trouble with money.
2sure Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 If you can afford to pay for yourself, and want to - thats one thing - and certainly correct. But if you prefer to date a man who usually or always pays - right or wrong, this is not the man for you. If your looking long term you might want to find out if he in fact , financially stable. Thats important. Stable is a good thing - doesn'thave to be rich. Be sure he has been honest with you regarding his investments. Also, be aware that owning or being in "Real Estate" is vague. Does he have a J*O*B or profession other than "Real Estate Investments" ?
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Are you really going dutch, or are you paying for his costs on dates? I don't see how he's taking advantage of you if you go dutch on the dates. I guess the bigger question is - are you losing respect for him because he is unable to provide for you? I think I am kind of losing respect for him and I don't want to. I want to see it a different way. I think of the man as the provider. I thought a man felt responsible for that. Alot of men take women shopping etc., pay for vacations. I pay for myself. I do appreciate him though and I dont mind doing cheap or free things. BUt when he says he wants to go to a nice restaurant etc and then expects s me to pay for myself ya it's annoying or when I'm with friends or family. I find it embarrassing.
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I guess I could be more understanding. I am trying, I know he was doing good in real estate and now he is not.
manugeorge Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I think I am kind of losing respect for him and I don't want to. I want to see it a different way. I think of the man as the provider. I thought a man felt responsible for that. Alot of men take women shopping etc., pay for vacations. I pay for myself. I do appreciate him though and I dont mind doing cheap or free things. BUt when he says he wants to go to a nice restaurant etc and then expects s me to pay for myself ya it's annoying or when I'm with friends or family. I find it embarrassing. In that case, just tell him you can't afford to go to the nice restaurant. Case closed. I sort of understand that situation, it's no different from going dutch with friends, if you can't afford the activity, decline to attend. As for wanting a man to take you shopping and on vacations, like someone else said, it's ain't kosher but hey, it's your life. I say you find someone else who is more financially stable and who doesn't mind doing these things for you.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I think I am kind of losing respect for him and I don't want to. I want to see it a different way. I think of the man as the provider. I thought a man felt responsible for that. Alot of men take women shopping etc., pay for vacations. I pay for myself. I do appreciate him though and I dont mind doing cheap or free things. BUt when he says he wants to go to a nice restaurant etc and then expects s me to pay for myself ya it's annoying or when I'm with friends or family. I find it embarrassing. If you honestly feel this way, then this relationship is doomed. This guy's financial expenditures/success must have been part of your attraction and now that is gone and if he's a real estate agent, he probably isn't going to be rolling in cash for a long, long time. I agree with you and would be annoyed if he picks expensive restaurants knowing that you are going to pay your own way. If he's hurting financially, you would think he would want to eat at home or pick a less expensive place to eat.
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I don't think it is doomed, I hope not! I don't need a whole lot and I was not attracted to his money. I was attracted to him and we have alot of the same taste, he's attractive and we get along good. So there is alot more to it. I think I'm used to men buying things for me or spoiling me and he spoils himself, sometimes me. We no longer are going to fancy dinners at this time. 2sure. I don't think he is lying. He is trying to find his way, he wants to do his own thing. I can take care of myself with or w/o him really. Thanks for all the comments!
MindoverMatter Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I don't think it is doomed, I hope not! I don't need a whole lot and I was not attracted to his money. I was attracted to him and we have alot of the same taste, he's attractive and we get along good. So there is alot more to it. I think I'm used to men buying things for me or spoiling me and he spoils himself, sometimes me. Of course you were attracted to his money, you said you're losing respect now that he can't pay for you anymore. Just admit it, it's important to you and keep your eyes open for somebody who can fulfill your wishes better than this guy. It might not have been the only criteria, but it's clearly bothering you too much to not be linked to attraction.
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 not true MoM, I want alot of things, mainly a partner who can help me and me help him. It's too early to know if we can work together. I mean long term a commitment. We shall see I will find out, yea I don't want to be the bread winner ugh!
Lindarose84 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Whoa is this post a flame? It can't be real, honestly. To give my input though, I'm the type of person that likes to go dutch often even offering to pay for the guy's stuff too. I just don't need anyone thinking I'm taking advantage of anyone or looking to mooch. I'm more than able to take care of myself. I even offered to pay when I was a student and the guy was working. I just think it's fair. However, I should preface all this by saying I do appreciate a guy who pays on the first date (and maybe second). I just think it's such a turn-off when the guy doesn't offer/insist. It just goes back to the old-fashion tradition of charming me. I once had a guy who launched into a 30 minute diatribe about how women are loafers and how we make as much (if not more) money as men these days so it's ridiculous for men to pay for anything. This was on our very first date. Needless to say, there wasn't another. I was just turned off by this. He insisted I pay for my own meal and he didn't have any problems making me pay for both of our movie tickets. I don't know, he just seemed like "less of a man" for being such a crybaby about the whole money thing. Guys will have to pick up the check every once in a while- that's just life.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 not true MoM, I want alot of things, mainly a partner who can help me and me help him. It's too early to know if we can work together. I mean long term a commitment. We shall see I will find out, yea I don't want to be the bread winner ugh! I'm sure you helping him would be offering to pay for some dinners if he's having financial difficulties no? Granted he shouldn't be picking out expensive restaurants, you shouldn't have a problem paying your way or BOTH of yours since he's tight on dough right now. So what are you trying to tell us right now? As it stands in your thread you're upset because you have to pay your way at dinner even though your SO is tight on money. Now you want to help him?
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I don't know how to feel that's why I'm here reading other's opinions. To help me put it in perspective.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Well how are you feeling right now? You want to help him but unattracted because his money is tight?
Author redant Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I love alot of things about him though so I'm trying to look at all the other things and not take those for granted!!! It's just one small issue I think.
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How about setting a rule that whoever invites for an activity pays for it? That's what my ex and I used to do and it worked well for us, as each of us could treat the other, all the while staying within our means.
Lindarose84 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How about setting a rule that whoever invites for an activity pays for it? That's what my ex and I used to do and it worked well for us, as each of us could treat the other, all the while staying within our means. I think you'd run into a situation where if you're strapped for cash, you're probably never going to suggest doing anything. Heaven forbid you're both strapped- no activities outside of watching basic cable at home (since you've probably cut premium cable and can't spring for dvds). That would lead to a pretty boring relationship.
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