Tryingtotrust Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'll try to get through this ASAP. met a great girl, got engaged. I knew she had guy friends. No problem. I simply asked the question if they were "friends" or "ex's", she said friends. Fast forward to us looking at a place to get married with her parents. Her dad expresses he and her mom's dislike of one of her ex's on the guest list. I told him I didn't know they were ex's until now. When I confronted her about it 5 minutes later she got angry then admitted it, but said it was in her past and didn't think it was a big deal. I was angry for being lied to but she didn't remember me asking her this question. I asked if she'd slept with any of her other guy friends. No was the answer. Later another "friend" came up and she said just friends. The next day I directly asked her if they'd slept together and she admitted it. Said she thinks of him as just a friend and thats why she answered that way at first. We had a meeting where we both admitted things we haddn't told the other. NOT LIES just left out things from our past. I admitted I slept with someone the day before we met, she admitted that her good guy friend she had slept with in the past. I didn't get angry as I said I would not. SUPPOSEDLY that was all she had to tell me. Not believeing her I went home one day and looked through her email accounts (this was wrong I know) to find she had fooled around with another friend she keeps in touch with on occasion, and SPECIFICALLY said there was nothing between them. In confronting her she admitted it, then said there was nothing else. We talked again several days later and then admitted to sleeping with her ex 5 days after we met. Said she felt HORRIBLE about ita and regretted it. I wasn't mad because we weren't exclusive yet. I felt bad enough about the girl the day before we met, and haven't done anything since we met. Question is this: (KEEP IN MIND WE'VE ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER 5 MONTHS, AND ARE STILL GOING THROUGH GROWING/KNOWING PAINS) NOW THAT WE HAVE OUR DEFINITIONS CORRECT AND SHE KNOWS WHAT I EXPECT AS FAR AS FULL AND COMPLETE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS, SHE SAYS THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO HIDE, AND THAT SHE FEELS MORE COMFORTABLE TALKING TO ME ABOUT THINGS. FROM MY POINT OF VIEW EVERY TIME SHE TELLS ME THERE IS NOTHING MORE, SOMETHING ELSE COMES UP. I STILL FEEL SHE ISN'T TELLING ME EVERYTHING, AND SHE GETS MAD IF I ASK HER TO SEE HER EMAIL ACCOUNTS. WHAT DO I DO AT THIS POINT?
Author Tryingtotrust Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Am I being that dumb that no one even has an opinion? Should I just get over it already?
boldjack Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How many times does she have to lie to you before you get the picture? She's playing you bigtime. Don't walk, RUN away from her, if you can't trust her now , what's it going to be like in the future?
Davey McG Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How many times does she have to lie to you before you get the picture? She's playing you bigtime. Don't walk, RUN away from her, if you can't trust her now , what's it going to be like in the future? Seconded! Run away very fast and don't be played for a fool!
phineas Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 She sounds like what I call a collector. She carries around the scraps of past relationships in the form of the guy she used to screw & in return for her friendship these guys are her chore monkeys. I dated a woman like this & she had a full MC Hammer sized following of friends that were ex's. I couldn't walk around her apartment without tripping over one. I felt like I competing for her attention & after so many fights I realized she didn't get that she can't invest time in us if she's spread out between her 5 or 6 ex boyfriends. I broke up with her. she came up to me shortly after & asked if we could be friends. I ran. She may not be cheating on you, but I would reconsider engagement until you know her well enoguh to know her friends & their history together. But, what do I know, I dated my wife 2 yrs & spent a yr engaged & 3 married & i've recently caught her lieing about this kind of thing.
kakui215 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Whatever you do, don't get married now. My wife and I were together (romantically, sexually) for just a month when we got engaged. During the year from our engagement until the wedding, there were moments when I thought that we should put the breaks on it (not break up, but slow down), but once her mother was involved planning the wedding and more and more commitments for the wedding were put in place, I got into the habit of chasing doubts out of my mind. Flash forward 15+ years and 4 kids later and we're back dealing with those same issues that we had avoided then -- issues put off by our desire to believe we had done the right thing and by kids (and the false hope that they would magically bring us together!). Our issues were/are different than yours, but if there is one thing based on my own experience (on my own mistakes) that I would tell someone thinking of getting married, it is this: deal with these now! Don't get married until BOTH of you have dealt with the issues that seems to pull you apart! (And to think that I used to laugh at people who had these long, multi-year engagements!)
Darth Vader Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I'll try to get through this ASAP. met a great girl, got engaged. I knew she had guy friends. No problem. I simply asked the question if they were "friends" or "ex's", she said friends. Fast forward to us looking at a place to get married with her parents. Her dad expresses he and her mom's dislike of one of her ex's on the guest list. I told him I didn't know they were ex's until now. When I confronted her about it 5 minutes later she got angry then admitted it, but said it was in her past and didn't think it was a big deal. I was angry for being lied to but she didn't remember me asking her this question. I asked if she'd slept with any of her other guy friends. No was the answer. Later another "friend" came up and she said just friends. The next day I directly asked her if they'd slept together and she admitted it. Said she thinks of him as just a friend and thats why she answered that way at first. We had a meeting where we both admitted things we haddn't told the other. NOT LIES just left out things from our past. I admitted I slept with someone the day before we met, she admitted that her good guy friend she had slept with in the past. I didn't get angry as I said I would not. SUPPOSEDLY that was all she had to tell me. Not believeing her I went home one day and looked through her email accounts (this was wrong I know) to find she had fooled around with another friend she keeps in touch with on occasion, and SPECIFICALLY said there was nothing between them. In confronting her she admitted it, then said there was nothing else. We talked again several days later and then admitted to sleeping with her ex 5 days after we met. Said she felt HORRIBLE about ita and regretted it. I wasn't mad because we weren't exclusive yet. I felt bad enough about the girl the day before we met, and haven't done anything since we met. Question is this: (KEEP IN MIND WE'VE ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER 5 MONTHS, AND ARE STILL GOING THROUGH GROWING/KNOWING PAINS) NOW THAT WE HAVE OUR DEFINITIONS CORRECT AND SHE KNOWS WHAT I EXPECT AS FAR AS FULL AND COMPLETE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS, SHE SAYS THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO HIDE, AND THAT SHE FEELS MORE COMFORTABLE TALKING TO ME ABOUT THINGS. FROM MY POINT OF VIEW EVERY TIME SHE TELLS ME THERE IS NOTHING MORE, SOMETHING ELSE COMES UP. I STILL FEEL SHE ISN'T TELLING ME EVERYTHING, AND SHE GETS MAD IF I ASK HER TO SEE HER EMAIL ACCOUNTS. WHAT DO I DO AT THIS POINT? Easy, call off the marriage. She's too imature and insensitive to your feelings and well being. BTW, get tested for STD's, it's funny what you can catch from someone who hides stuff. Basically RRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sugarmomma Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I agree with the above post to definitely slow it down (prolong engagement) or call it off all together. I mean really, you guys have only known each other for five months. Also, you didn't indicate your age so if you're under 25 I would seriously suggest you wait. Marriage is serious business and the reason so many people end up divorced is because the don't understand the magnitude of what it means. Do Not Marry Her! You will regret it. A marriage has to be built on trust, respect and love (in that order) Good Luck!!!
Mary3 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I heard this just this morning : A therapist said if your spouse / fiance has lots of * friends * of the opposite sex you are ripe for an affair to happen...
seibert253 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I heard this just this morning : A therapist said if your spouse / fiance has lots of * friends * of the opposite sex you are ripe for an affair to happen... Agree 100%. Had 3 buddies experience this first hand. Not saying your girl falls into this catagory, but better to be safe than sorry. Take your time, you've got the rest of your life. Peace,
mark982 Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 right now it's costing you nothing to slow engagement down.get married, throw some kids in(that might not be yours), and the price quickly sky rockets.
Author Tryingtotrust Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I'm 32, she's 24. I've seen my share of serious relationships and before this started, ours has been great. No problems, no arguements, just happyness. In my and a couple other's opinions she just needs to grow up. She's only had one serious relationship and basically never had anyone tell her how to be in one. She's learning quickly. About the "friends", she has agreed to not be friends with any of them if it would make me happy. One she is about to write off, one I'm not worried about, the last one I'm still not sure what I want to happen there. I don't like the guy for many reasons. I haven't met him yet. He's the one that suggested to her that she lie to me about their past. That is enough for me there really, But I'm trying to be understanding. Just starting to think its a mistake, being understanding I mean. Also she never see's these people. We both work so much we spend all of our time together while not working.
Mary3 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 These old lovers have a nasty way of resurfacing...Make sure you keep your eyes open. There is trust and then there is trust. She lied to you already. BIG RED FLAG ! Watch your back .
vander Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 ... Fast forward to us looking at a place to get married with her parents ... ... WE'VE ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER 5 MONTHS ... ... EVERY TIME SHE TELLS ME THERE IS NOTHING MORE, SOMETHING ELSE COMES UP ... So, You're planning a wedding with her parents. You've only known each other for 5 months. She lies to you repeatedly and cannot be trusted. Why on earth are you marrying her?
Author Tryingtotrust Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Whatever you do, don't get married now. My wife and I were together (romantically, sexually) for just a month when we got engaged. During the year from our engagement until the wedding, there were moments when I thought that we should put the breaks on it (not break up, but slow down), but once her mother was involved planning the wedding and more and more commitments for the wedding were put in place, I got into the habit of chasing doubts out of my mind. Flash forward 15+ years and 4 kids later and we're back dealing with those same issues that we had avoided then -- issues put off by our desire to believe we had done the right thing and by kids (and the false hope that they would magically bring us together!). Our issues were/are different than yours, but if there is one thing based on my own experience (on my own mistakes) that I would tell someone thinking of getting married, it is this: deal with these now! Don't get married until BOTH of you have dealt with the issues that seems to pull you apart! (And to think that I used to laugh at people who had these long, multi-year engagements!) Would like to hear more about the specifics as it seems you understand the situation more than most here. I've taken the stance with her that these things will be fixed or were not getting married. She is taking steps to fix them and to satisfy my curiosity that she is telling the truth. I really think these things have to be taken on an individual basis. The exact circumstances have to be evaluated and events taken into consideration to determine whether (in this case) one is a liar or one chose to lie about certain details. In this case, she chose to lie, she is not a liar. She chose to omit certain details about a couple things from her past on cue from a friend. I'm no angel here. I chose to do the same about a couple things too. We did it for the same reasons: WHAT HAPPENED DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE. (we have both admitted them now) Big point here is that I have been trying to be a better person and make better decisions every day. I have been doing this for almost 6 years now. I am now influencing her to do the same, I've taught her that honesty and 100% transparency is the only way a relationship/marriage is EVER going to work. She is now abiding by those two rules There's a little more to the story I'm not telling you here. I would make more sense with this added. EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS IN THIER RELATIONSHIPS ***The important lesson here is that we should have sat down and agreed on how we were going to manage our relationship: how we treat the past, how we treat the current relationships we have, and (this is important) GET YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND DEFINITIONS straight up front (ie-what is a friend) and what our roles will be in this relationship. for how was she supposed to know what I expect of her and why did I think she automatically knew these things??? How dumb was I?? Obviously I'm learning here too.
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