vanilla87 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Is being asked out to "grab some coffee" the new lingo for being asked out? Also if a guy asks you to meet up with him at bar on a friday night with mutual friends you both know, does that mean anything as well? If anyone is wondering why I'm asking, because a good friend of mine does this... Also when he asks me to go get coffee, 9 times out of 10, I'm alone with him. Anything else you need to know about why I'm asking, feel free to ask away...
You'reasian Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Is being asked out to "grab some coffee" the new lingo for being asked out? Also if a guy asks you to meet up with him at bar on a friday night with mutual friends you both know, does that mean anything as well? If anyone is wondering why I'm asking, because a good friend of mine does this... Also when he asks me to go get coffee, 9 times out of 10, I'm alone with him. Anything else you need to know about why I'm asking, feel free to ask away... I'm thinking going out for coffee is like a going for a date at a bar or restaraunt but more relaxed. It can be either two friends hanging out or maybe a chance for someone to scout the person they are interested int.
Cherished Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Are you interested in more than just friendship? If he were interested in more than friendship, after the first "coffee" he'd take it to the next level (such as a dinner date.) Is he picking up the tab for the coffees? If he is, he is interested in more than friendship but is intimidated by you and feels you are out of his league and is afraid to make the next move.
Author vanilla87 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Are you interested in more than just friendship? If he were interested in more than friendship, after the first "coffee" he'd take it to the next level (such as a dinner date.) We've done other stuff besides going to grab coffee, as high school cheesy as this sound, gone to the mall. We walked around, went shopping with him and helped him pick out a few things. He was sort of touchy feel, but nothing like hand holding. Is he picking up the tab for the coffees? If he is, he is interested in more than friendship but is intimidated by you and feels you are out of his league and is afraid to make the next move. He does everytime. I almost paid once and he wouldn't let me pay even though I had the money.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He probably wants to have sex with you.
Author vanilla87 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 He probably wants to have sex with you. ironically, as T.M.I. as this is, I've already slept with him twice in the last 4 years. The most recent was in september of last year. I've also slept in the same bed with him and nothing sexual happened, but he did end up a few times rolling up against me and sort of had his hand laying ontop of the back of my left hip and could feel him up against my back, he didn't move for awhile. I was awake because I was sharing the bed with not only him, but a friend of ours, nothing sexual or threesome like, it was just really late (3am) and she convinced me to stay the night with her at his place...
Cherished Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 OK now the history makes it all different. If you are interested in him, you are going to have to "disappear" and be very elusive for a while. Be "busy" the next few times he asks to go out for coffee. Don't answer his every call or return most of his texts. You have to be a challenge for him to be interested in you, and he has to step up to the plate. You being elusive and unavailable will create the challenge. Don't blow it if you're interested. If you're not interested, keep being buds going out for coffee.
Author vanilla87 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I've been keeping distance lately. Haven't seen him in almost a month and haven't been really talking him, kind of like I did last summer for two months, till he IM'd me out of the blue. Anyway, being that whole "hard to get" thing, some guys like at first, but if you keep doing that for too long, they lose interest completely because they don't want to play games anymore and want someone that wants them back period. So by the time may rolls around, I think its safe to say that I could stop playing this little game and be normal lol
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Playing games are for the experienced serial daters because they know exactly when to fish and cut bait. You can actually initiate or wait for him to step up to the plate. It all depends on how much patience you have.
Author vanilla87 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Playing games are for the experienced serial daters because they know exactly when to fish and cut bait. Very true, very true. But then again, I'm only 21, so guys still play these games, its annoying, but they do. My friend on the other hand, who is 23, doesn't really too much anymore, hates the whole hooking up thing alot now and just wants someone he can settle down with, unlike his ex, who screwed him over last year, then again she is only 19 and doesn't understand those concepts yet. You can actually initiate or wait for him to step up to the plate. It all depends on how much patience you have. I have more patients for him then I do for most people. He has been to hell and back 3x's more then he should have in the last 4 years. Went off to war in afghan, been through the crapper with ex's, and done his fair share of working hard and going to school on 16 credits. I give him my time and energy cause he doesn't really have time anymore unless he gets a day off, then he does homework or never sits still long enough to relax now a days. But I do give him space when I know its time. Like now. I mean we do bug each other in a funny way on facebook with sill pokes and comments on pictures and status, but other then that I haven't really spoken to him since the end of last month and seen him since then too.
Cherished Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Well if he were interested, he'd ask you out. He's just seeing you as a roll in the hay, nothing else. Sorry.
Loxx Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Are you interested in more than just friendship? If he were interested in more than friendship, after the first "coffee" he'd take it to the next level (such as a dinner date.) Is he picking up the tab for the coffees? If he is, he is interested in more than friendship but is intimidated by you and feels you are out of his league and is afraid to make the next move. Wow that is just about the worse advice i have ever heard. So just because he picked of a 5dollar tab for someone he invited to have coffee with he has all these emotional barriers? This is just wrong, If its a complete stranger then yes, he is trying to get to know you. If it is someone that you are aquanited to then maybe he just likes hanging out with you, be it intrested or friendship. If i ask a girl , that i thought was cool but no attraction to have coffee i would pay her tab. Hell i may even ask her to dinner that night and pay. If im doing the asking then im paying. Guy, girl, doesnt matter. Its called manners.
Author vanilla87 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 To everyone that has given good advice so far, thank you... And I'm getting criticism back, but nothing constructive actually from the last two posters. I bet you didn't realize that his last ex not only cheated on him, but lied, and manipulated him, more then 10 times in a course of 3 months while she was away at college as a freshman. Thats one reason why he isn't dating right now. The many others is he works when he doesn't go to school with his father. They only allow 12-13 credits to be gained during a semester and he is taking 16 credits on for the last two, which means he has no free time, yet still makes time for me and one of his best friends who is also my best friend. I've know him since i was 14, he was 16, been friends with him since I was 16 and he was 18. He has openly admitted to having feelings for me back in hs. On top of that he has flat out told me that he has way too much respect for me and that the only reason why we haven't dated is because we've been through too much to risk anything. He has seen how I've been treated by ex bf's and doesn't want to pull that on me and that he feels it would be like fitting a square peg into a round hole when it comes to me and him. Anyway, I was there for his mental break down, where he broke down and cried about how he held in too much from the war and what he saw. I was the one that came to his house everytime he need to get out when he was dealing with this and the only person who understood and took the time to be the one to lean on. It looks like I may be a little defensive here, but I don't take unconstructive criticism from guys. I mean be honest is one thing, but just saying "roll in the hay", is not as direct as you would think. Not to get harsh, but just say he wanted to just have sex with you cause he doesn't have feelings for you is more direct and nicer. Oh and when we hooked up those two times, the first time we both were not single and I sort of got mad at him and put the blame on him for it happening so thats one reason why he is not all willing to go beyond friends because he doesn't want that situation happening again. And the second time he was on a break with his last gf and also before he got together with her 6 1/2 months earlier he kissed me twice about two weeks before he got with her and I also lost my aunt to the fight against breast cancer, which is another reason why things never progressed because i was too vulnerable for him and what not. Guess you can say I want to get the facts out there for people to make the right judgements if there are any to be made before they decide to dish out advice.
loser101 Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 well it sounds to me like the two of you are close enough to talk about this properly. why don't you just ask him what he wants from you?
You'reasian Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Are you interested in more than just friendship? If he were interested in more than friendship, after the first "coffee" he'd take it to the next level (such as a dinner date.) Is he picking up the tab for the coffees? If he is, he is interested in more than friendship but is intimidated by you and feels you are out of his league and is afraid to make the next move. I'm not seeing that, but it depends on the personality and experience of the guy in question. If the guy in question seems interested, he might be trying to be more cerebral with the time he spends with you. Coffee dates are great times to exchange thoughts, pick brains, laugh and have a good time.
OpenBook Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Guess you can say I want to get the facts out there for people to make the right judgements if there are any to be made before they decide to dish out advice. Well, thanks for that... but you asked for advice to begin with, by the very act of posting this thread. We don't have any control over how much information you provide (or when you provide it), so we have to go with whatever you "dish out." And from your second (and more forthcoming) "dish out" it sounds like he has friend-zoned you. In fact he's done everything except skywriting it out, that he doesn't think of you in "that way" - although it seems clear that he highly values you as a friend.
pollywag Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Guess you can say I want to get the facts out there for people to make the right judgements if there are any to be made before they decide to dish out advice. Instead of getting your back up because people are making judgments on limited facts you are posting, and as you continue to share more information you incite more judgment from posters, why don't you ask the guy what he wants out of your relationship? People on here can only guess what this guy wants, we don't read minds. We don't read yours or his. You've known the guy for 4 yrs, been through a lot of his emotional turmoil and have been his support, you have slept together on a few occasions (which is as intimate as you can get and as OPEN as you can be with someone) yet you are afraid to ask him if coffee is just friends or is it a date? Instead of asking strangers to speculate, why don't you just ask him for the bottom line?
Author vanilla87 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 I'm not seeing that, but it depends on the personality and experience of the guy in question. If the guy in question seems interested, he might be trying to be more cerebral with the time he spends with you. Coffee dates are great times to exchange thoughts, pick brains, laugh and have a good time. Very true. We talk, a lot. More then most people do with opposite sex friendship. I mean no topic is off limits 90% of the time. We do have healthy verbal debates that tend to lead to, what I believe, sexual tension over time. Kind of like the time we were on the phone for two hours and we ended up mid way through debating who was the bigger cheesy person, with him trying to saying "I'm the cheese king of all cheesiness damn it!", lol, we are huge dorks. He has told me word for word "your the one person that no matter how far away you are I can confined in and I really appreciate it...", even when there is a huge ocean between us, we can talk about anything, no matter how out there it really is to other people. We do make each other laugh a lot. I've once said to him "monkey playing the bongos" and he started cracking up or another time we got into just saying things that were up, like the sky, birds flying in the sky, and then i go and say a building standing erect, and he goes to laugh really hard and loud and said "you said erect...", its things like that which make it fun being friends with him. If you wanna know how is like as a person you take ryan reynolds personlity with chad michael murray looks, and crazy all over the place humor like dane cook, and thats who you get, no joke. He even gets told he has that dane cook and ryan reynolds persona by many women. Anyway, he is a tough cookie to crack to anyone that he isn't close to. He has even stated that he wears a mask to everyone else to fool people so they don't get hurt, which he did all in hs and he got a lot of respect from certain teachers for that, because alot of people thought he was too cocky and too full of himself, when he was the complete opposite. Its that whole military mentality that also kicks in and what not. He also used to be a vol. fire fighter and worked as a critical care EMT during hs. Well, thanks for that... but you asked for advice to begin with, by the very act of posting this thread. We don't have any control over how much information you provide (or when you provide it), so we have to go with whatever you "dish out." Sorry for seeming to defensive and I have no right to be so mean, but its not fair if someone goes out and makes a judgement without explaining why they are making that judgement. And from your second (and more forthcoming) "dish out" it sounds like he has friend-zoned you. In fact he's done everything except skywriting it out, that he doesn't think of you in "that way" - although it seems clear that he highly values you as a friend. See now thats more of advice that makes sense, but I do know for a fact if a guy friend-zones you and has too much respect for you, he wouldn't try to sleep with you. Guys I know that have friend-zoned me keep me off the list of sleeping with me, because they know they would get their butt kicked by other guy friends, like the friend I'm mentioning in this posting. Which also reminds me, everytime a guy talks to me or calls me or even texts me, he kind of gets this very tight look on his face, like he is very tense. Also when I'm dating a guy, he kind of gets jealous, like this last guy I was with, the guy was sort of being distant and my friend told me that I could do better and there is someone better for me and my friend was off my radar of interest so I didn't think anything of it till he started hugging me more then three times, was trying to take pictures of me with my camera and wouldn't give it back and had to jump on his back to get it back, was looking at photos of me and saying i was beautiful/pretty/gorgeous, and was even touching my neck to check my pulse a few times while checking these photos. He even lent me his jacket when we were outside, even though it was like 50 out, he still demanded I wear his coat. You've known the guy for 4 yrs, been through a lot of his emotional turmoil and have been his support, you have slept together on a few occasions (which is as intimate as you can get and as OPEN as you can be with someone) yet you are afraid to ask him if coffee is just friends or is it a date? Instead of asking strangers to speculate, why don't you just ask him for the bottom line? I haven't asked him, cause I'm keeping a little distance, so he can have time to his family during spring back. First time last march that he has had real time off. I also don't ask because, as truth be told, people and even him have said we're like two peas in pod in things and deal with things the very same way. Also, I don't want to bring it up because he was dealing with his ex and going through a lot during that time and don't want to rub him the wrong way till I know he is more stable about the subject at hand, because he will get defensive on some level. Its easier said then done.
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