Sparta8 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 In dealing with my wife's emotional affair a year ago, she told me she had a physical affair with someone else 17 years earlier. She was 37 at the time, he was 60. (She was surprised when I told her his age). He is now 78, and married to someone who is 77. I do not know if his wife was married to him back then, but, being about the same age, chances are fairly high. I have thought of contacting the OM, or maybe both OM and his wife about what happened 18 years ago. A short letter, a phone call or an email. The only reasons I can think of to do so are: 1. To let her know who she is married to and the real history of her marriage. 2. I suffered pain, and will continue to suffer pain from what he did, and feel he should participate in at least a little of that. It bothers me not to do anything about him. A lot. (By the way, I know the argument often given here that he owed me nothing and should not be of concern to me. I don't buy that argument. He knowingly harmed me by having an affair with my wife, whether he knew me or not. Just as my wife knowingly harmed his wife (if he was married at the time)). It was 18 years ago. They are elderly. I do not want to hurt her, but it would frankly be satisfying to know he suffered at least a little discomfort and consequence from the actions he took back then. Any advice on whether to contact OM or both of them? I suspect most of you will answer no. But I am curious as to whether any of you would answer yes.
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I can't believe that you would even consider doing something so despicable as ruining an elderly couple's marriage! They may not have long to live, are you really going to ruin their last few years together by dragging up an affair that happened EIGHTEEN YEARS ago? Perhaps the guy does deserve a bit of pain for having cheated with your wife, but does HIS wife deserve to suffer too? If you were going to say something, you should have said it at the time, there's no point dragging it all back up again almost two decades later. Please leave this couple alone to enjoy their twilight years in peace, and deal with your own issues with your wife's affairs without dragging other people into it. You should be more concerned about her recent affair than about something that happened all those years ago...
Lucky_One Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Good Lord. Let go of it. I can't imagine doing that to someone at this point of their lives. What if she is dying of breast cancer, and you throw this at them at this point? What if one of them has a heart attack from the news?
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I can't believe that you would even consider doing something so despicable as ruining an elderly couple's marriage! They may not have long to live, are you really going to ruin their last few years together by dragging up an affair that happened EIGHTEEN YEARS ago? Perhaps the guy does deserve a bit of pain for having cheated with your wife, but does HIS wife deserve to suffer too? If you were going to say something, you should have said it at the time, there's no point dragging it all back up again almost two decades later. Please leave this couple alone to enjoy their twilight years in peace, and deal with your own issues with your wife's affairs without dragging other people into it. You should be more concerned about her recent affair than about something that happened all those years ago... He has every right, and OM's wife deserves to know! Who are you to choose? Your a sad sack to even suggest it's ok to force someone to live as a fool!
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 The man is almost 80 years old. So is his wife. What, telling her will finally "free" this near-octogenarian up to go paint the town? She can probably hardly lift the brush. Let it go.
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I see nothing wrong with it, telling his Bs. This is not something you've harbored for years, as suggested. It's my understanding that this just came to light last year, right? So, it is very fresh pain.Or , did I read that wrong. The advice I most often see is to tell the other BS, to let her decide what to do. I am not aware of any age dispensations on that advice. This guy did harm to your marriage that is most likely irrepairable. Bad acts have consequences. Should the Israeli's have let Eichman go because of his age?
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I can't believe that you would even consider doing something so despicable as ruining an elderly couple's marriage! They may not have long to live, are you really going to ruin their last few years together by dragging up an affair that happened EIGHTEEN YEARS ago? Perhaps the guy does deserve a bit of pain for having cheated with your wife, but does HIS wife deserve to suffer too? If you were going to say something, you should have said it at the time, there's no point dragging it all back up again almost two decades later. Please leave this couple alone to enjoy their twilight years in peace, and deal with your own issues with your wife's affairs without dragging other people into it. You should be more concerned about her recent affair than about something that happened all those years ago... Divulging the truth is not ruining someones marriage. The OM is the one that brought this into his own life. As I mentioned, he just found out last year, so he has not harboured this for decades.
tami-chan Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 OP your time has passed. If you haven't reconciled yourself to what happened 18 years ago...well...I tell you what...that's your problem. Leave the old couple alone. You made the choice to stay quiet( years ago), made the choice to stay in your marriage--be a man and be true to your choices. Jesus, get over it already!
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 TC,read his post, again. It just came to light last year. With the 2-5 year expected recovery time described by most experts, he should not be told to "get over it". That is too much to expect from someone recently made aware of this type of abuse and makes a person who already has taken a major hit and is reeling , feel worse.
tami-chan Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 TC,read his post, again. It just came to light last year. With the 2-5 year expected recovery time described by most experts, he should not be told to "get over it". That is too much to expect from someone recently made aware of this type of abuse and makes a person who already has taken a major hit and is reeling , feel worse. He found out at the same time...? is that what he is saying? Still....he needs to re-think contacting the couple---too many years have gone by- he can just hate his wife for all the secrecy and lying..I say, leave the couple alone.
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Yes, but the revelation was last year , during the course of discussing the recent affair. I think I read that right. In many ways , a revelation of an old affair, kept hidden for years is more painful, as the lenght of deception and attendant theft of more years of life is greater. This guy ghas to wonder if the last 18 years were a complete lie(probably were in light of the new affair) and what opportunities he might have forgone in reliance on the fraud that was perpetrated on him for these many years.
tami-chan Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 OP, I apologized for telling you to get over it-IF you only found out about it a year ago...still--have some perspective about the time span. Plus, you do not have a lot of known givens. Meaning, you do not know all the facts. You do not know if he was married then= how long was the affair? What were the circumstances that lead to their affair? Did he know she was married? etc.etc...Still..I think you must leave the OM alone. Your wife made the decision to keep the affair from you 18 years ago-what was an OM supposed to do then? Reg, I hate to say this, but really it is no longer the xOM's problem that the wife made that decision. Let her deal with her husband's pain....
EllieBean Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 If you told his wife about the affair, you wouldn't be doing it for HER benefit, because you know it's going to really hurt her and make the last few years of her life very difficult. You would be doing it to make YOURSELF feel better about the affair, because you're not doing her any favours by telling her... and to me it just seems selfish to ruin an elderly lady's last few years on this earth, just to make yourself feel better. I misunderstood the original post and now I realise that you just found out about the affair recently, but it was a very long time ago and I don't think it's fair to put an elderly couple through a load of anguish about something that happened decades ago. Leave them alone and deal with your issues with your wife.
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Gotta disagree. This woman has the right to the truth. And, the Om deserves a consequence. Age has nothing to do with it. so,the guy skates on this? No way.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 He is now 78, and married to someone who is 77. I do not know if his wife was married to him back then, but, being about the same age, chances are fairly high. Perhaps he was unmarried and thought your wife was as well. Too many unknowns and possibilities and too much time has passed. Save all your anger for your spouse, sounds like she deserves it ... Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Reminds me of the rationale behind the Katherine Soliah/Sarah Jane Olson case: if one can avoid detection long enough, one skates. Same with the Nazi's in South America(and, no, I am not comparing the offenses. But, I think we all agree that infidelity is a greivous wrong causing great trauma). I see nothing wrong with airing this.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Sparta, you have the right to tell OM's W if you want to. I personally couldn't do this when I found one of my H's OW home tel number and phoned and her teenage son answered and I asked to speak to his father... but then put the phone down. It was about 2 months after that D-Day. However, you can do this if you want. Its your right to do so. Perhaps it is better to tell OM himself that you have recently found out and have a talk with him.... ask how he would like it if you told his W... maybe you can make a decision then after you talk it out.
carhill Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 OP, I hope you get all your facts straight and corroborated before taking steps that you will never be able to retract. Think it through. Best wishes
Reggie Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 OP, I hope you get all your facts straight and corroborated before taking steps that you will never be able to retract. Think it through. Best wishes Good advice, that.
D-Lish Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 My grandfather cheated on my grandmother throughout the duration of their marriage- even into his 80's. My bet is that if this woman has been married to him for a long time that she is aware of his ways. I understand that you only just recently found out. But you're seriously thinking of telling this other man's wife that he cheated with your wife 18 years ago without knowing anything about them? It's up to you whether or not you do this. What if this information does ruin her life? Will it make you feel better about your own situation? What purpose will this serve for you? I think that's what you should ask yourself. It's not going to change your current situation. What is your plan? To call this woman, tell her what happened over the phone...and then what? Just leave it in her lap? It's probably something you should think through a little more.
jnj express Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 1st your main issues should be with your spouse who broke her vows and then looked you in the eyes for 18 years and decieved you, lied to you and conducted life as if everything was normal. Yes you do have every right to tell the OMW, but IMHO due to their ages you might try to find out if their are health issues, or other problems they are dealing with at their age, you might let her know who she is living with and you might due to their age cause problems that you will regret due to the outcome of your disclosure.
SidLyon Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 (She was surprised when I told her his age). He is now 78, and married to someone who is 77. I do not know if his wife was married to him back then, but, being about the same age, chances are fairly high. ********************************************** I'm confused as to how you know his age and your wife didn't; yet you don't seem to know if he was married at the time. Doesn't your wife know? If you found out only recently then of course the pain will be very real and "current". Even though my H's affair had (supposedly) ended 3 years before I found out I doubt that my sense of hurt and betrayal was any less. I would have had no problems with contacting the OW's husband but couldn't because he had recently died. Instead I contacted his parents who were elderly but helping raise the child they believed was their deceased son's (he may be for all I know). There is no age limit on the right to know nor is there a statute of limitations - it is up to you. S
D-Lish Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Just for the record- telling someone who is elderly some bad or shocking news will not CAUSE a heart attack. They'd have to have a pre-existing condition and that heart attack would be inevitable regardless of the news. It may expediate it... but never cause it. Someone who is elderly and healthy cannot have a heart attack due to bad news. Why not confront him instead of his wife? If you need to confront somebody outside the marriage- why do it to the innocent party.
Author Sparta8 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Some clarification: I learned about the physical affair in April, 2008 two days after I learned of the more recent emotional affair. I learned the OM's name in June or July. I googled that name and came up with several candidates. Two or three months ago I learned which one it was when I asked my wife more about him. So it is "fresh" for me. Reggie is correct that the 18 year old affair is more painful in many ways. Not only because of the length of deception but also because it was physical, whereas I stopped the other one (with the OM's Bs help) before it became physical. (I think. I am struggling now as to whether there is a remote chance they may have met in mid June, but am still gathering facts before asking more of my wife.) On the other hand, the recent affair was much more emotionally intense, more recent, and I read the emails. So I don't know which one is worse for sure. Probably the more recent affair. The physical affair was 5 months long, four meetings, two with sex. The emotional affair was 1 week along before my wife told me, and ended 9 weeks later. I truly hesitate to tell OM's wife, and don't think I will. I struggled intensely with telling the recent OM's wife because I did not want to cause her pain (she is about 58) but am so glad I did, as she was instrumental in slowing down that affair by letting my wife know her husband had done this a dozen times before, and many times before that while with his previous wife. The elderly OM's wife may have the right to know, as Reggie pointed out. But I don't think I can bring myself to be the one to pull that trigger. Part of my reason for posting was to find out if some of you would think she had the right to know, even in these somewhat extreme circumstances (elderly now, and it happened 18 years ago). Sometimes propositions, such as "the betrayed spouse always should be told", have to be tested with extreme cases to see if they are always true. Maybe that proposition is always true, but I don't think I want to be the one to possibly ruin a her life just because I think she needs to know. Mr. Lucky is correct that he may not have been married. I would guess 90% chance he was. My wife told me: "if he was married, he did not tell me". This shocked me as it indicated she did not care at the time whether he was married or not. Or whether she was married or not. I think he knew she was married. They did not just tumble into bed the first meeting, it started with a long walk after a conference. Likewise, I would guess she either did know he was married or just did not think that mattered too much. While I don't intend to contact his wife, I do think I will contact him. Problem is, my sleuthing so far has come up with 3 phone numbers that don't work. But also an email address that might. But I worry that she might open the email. So I might address an email to him that only he would understand, asking that he contact me. The fact that he is elderly gives me some pause, but I still think I owe him something. I am willing to reconsider whether to contact his wife if anyone can convince me she "deserves to know", should not be forced to "live as a fool", and that I have a moral obligation to be the one to tell her. The harm he did to our marriage is not irrepairable. We will make it. As sometimes happens, our marriage now is strong, stronger than it ever was before. It is just that I keep obsessing, and want to make things right as far as possible, including doing something, anything, to bring some of this home to the OMs. The elderly OM is likely no longer a threat to anyone else's marriage. The more recent OM is, and it rankles me not to do more to end his cycle of abuse to his wife and to other people's marriages. But that is another topic.
2sure Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Sparta - I get that it bothers you "a lot". And you are justified and it should, naturally. You hit the nail on the head when you asked why should you be the victim of the consequences and not him. That is the very reason OM and his W should be told/confronted. But this different for several reasons. It was a long time ago - so long that details are unknown and quite possibly forgotten. The age of OM and his wife is a huge issue. One or the other could be on death's door and likely at a deteriorated mental state. BUT. This is fresh to you. You matter. Most BS find it very helpful to contact OM/OW just to tell them that they know. To make it real, not a secret. Its often enough. And you can do that. Call HIM. Tell him you know, and what you think of his actions if you like. That alone will bring it to his doorstep - let him know he wronged you and didnt get away clean. At this point in his life, it will have the effect of exposure. This will help you move on. But not his wife. Not in this case.
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