Could things get any worse?

[orangecat]

Hello everyone,

 

I am 25, male, and was recently subject to a breakup, hence me writing. She is also my age and we live together.

 

We were in a very loving relationship, I didn't know it was possible to get so close to someone. We knew each others' moves and we genuinely loved each other.

 

In February of this year, we seemed to be fighting more and more but we always got through it. Then after one of our fights, I was reeling from this rollercoaster of emotions, and I now know I needed her to be close just for a little while. But I said "I don't think you care about me anymore". Oops. Due to the gravity of the situation before, she no longer wanted to care for me, she took me down to friends.

 

I wasn't okay, I panicked, but we had some time apart, I got to clear my head, I apologized, said I really honestly wasn't thinking, and asked to get back together and work things out. Well she didn't say much except leave her alone, and I kinda did, I called less, bothered her less. Not long after that, I found out my grandmother was ill, and my dad was also ill (i don't mean just the flu kind of illness). I reached out to her, and she was sympathetic enough to talk about it, but at times like these I need her close. She had became my huge support in life. So I wrote a note or two, and asked for her and I to work things out, let's move on.

 

Over the past month, my situation with family has been getting worse (a lot worse, now involving both parents and grandparents, seasoned with a healthy dose of family conflict), and I've been trying to deal with that, but I have this notion in my head that if her and I could just talk, I would be able to cope with everything. I was so down one day last week, I just asked her to take a leap of faith with me, let's work things out. She completely lost it, threatened to move out and never speak to me again. She said not to ask that stuff again. She also told me if I had just left it alone the first time, we'd be back together already. To me I thought, well then why are you making it so hard?! You hug and kiss me one day, and then you pull away the next, it's so conflicting!

 

Come friday, we were going to be apart for the weekend, and I wanted her to leave on a lighter note perhaps. I got all creative and artistic, told her, thigns are bad, but I still care for you, and I know you care for me. Though anger and hard times, it makes us know what the happy really is right? It makes it when you are happy even better. She lost it again, said I wasn't listening to what leave me alone means. She said what, are you advocating fights and that she was fine without fights. I said no, I don't want fights, but I know there are days you get annoyed or angry for a quick second about where I maybe left my shoes, or left a cupboard open, and I was trying to say when you stop feeling over things like that is when you stop caring. She told me she hates me, doesn't want to care for me, will never like me again, doesn't care about my family or my problems, and no longer wants to be my friend.

 

Since then I've said nothing, done nothing. Well today I bought a little stuffed dog and put it on her desk, it says woof woof on it. She just ignored it but at least she didn't kill me.

 

We've been sleeping apart, but I asked her last night if she wanted the more comfortable bed. I said look I know things are bad between us, but you can sleep out there. This morning she's just like, stop bringing it up,do you want me to leave? It's hard. Your best friend wont' talk to you about anything, and i'm just trying to be nice. I just want to talk about it, ask her what she feels. I don't mean to bring it up to fight about it, but how to move on?

 

I know it's hard. I know I have to keep my mouth shut. I know now that leave me alone means exactly that. But I say hi, or goodbye and get no response. Here's dinner, and no response.

 

All this at a hard time in my life. Things with my family have gotten even worse now, and I can't even tell her. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, even escaping to my parents' place isn't working. Everything reminds me of her because she became a part of me. we spent so much 24/7 together, that it's so scary to be alone. I think what really adds to the hurt is that over Christmas we decided to get married. I haven't proposed yet, but she and I knew it would happen eventually. What I saw as my life being ready for the next wonderful step, get turned into a downwards spiral with everything important crumble to pieces around me.

 

I told you guys about the dog toy I bought. Don't know if that helped or not. Right now she is sleeping in the uncomfortable bed beside the computer, which is where I was first. She could easily go outside to be away from me, which is what she wants.. I think.. I 'd ask but she 'll tell me i'm not listening, and I'd get in another fight which I cannot take. I'm probably just reading too much into it.

 

What do you guys take on her staying? She could easily move home, it wouldn't seriously impact her life to do it. It hurts me to have my best friend, who no longer is even a friend according to her, be here. A hug from her used to cure the worst day. I want to get back, and I know we have to work back to it short of a miracle. I know we can't just jump back, but I know we can work on it, I know if we just put things aside we can work on it, and us. But I don't know if she wants me back. I don't know what her heart thinks. I know if I ask, we will fight and she will tell me she doesn't want to be with me.

 

I know I have to do nothing and say nothing. I have friends I talk to, but the only one that matters is her, ebcause she is my best friend. Angry as she is at me, or whenever she makes me angry, I always love, and care. I hope she didn't really mean those things she said, but she never apologized either.

 

I hyperventilated for the first time in my life. I never knew things in my life could get this bad, so fast, at such a critical point in my life. I couldn't believe a somewhat little thing like this could gravitate and explode to this situation. I never thought it was possible.

 

Yeah. I don't know what to say anymore, thanks for listening/reading.

 

edit: this situation has been going on and getting worse over the past six weeks

[Bleeve]

You were pushing her away by becoming way too needy.

Give her space and improve yourself and try to remember the guy that she initially fell for and become that person again.

My guess is she didn't fall for a needy, whiny depressed guy.

You were probably confident, and independent and humorous.

 

Find your self again and she may find you again as well.

[orangecat]

I suppose in a way I was too needy. I've been through some rough stuff before (not to this extent mind you) and she was extremely helpful and really helped get me through some rough spots.

 

You're right, I was needy or depressed. I guess I didn't see myself as whiny.

 

It's a tough spot. I love her, and I don't mind giving space, but finding myself is difficult in a time like this as I'm sure you can understand. It's extremely difficult in the light of the family situation to not get some help from her. This is from someone whom I would tell about the tinest thing about nothing and we could have a huge humourous talk about it. I fear for the loss of her. Something which I've never felt before.

 

I'm just lost in the clouds. I have my good moments and bad moments. When I wrote the original post, I felt way under the clouds. Now I'm climbing out of it, and I'm sure by tonight I will have another one of those moments.

 

:S

[kizik]

Man, you are in a really, really bad, depressed way.

 

Just reading your post made me cringe to see what an insecure, unhappy person you are. You have invested your entire life in this one woman. Can't you see that? You have equated your self-worth with what she thinks about you.

 

Now you are leaving her sad little gifts hoping to win her back.

 

She doesn't want you. I am sorry to say it so harshly, but it is the truth. But you know what? You don't want you either. Your tone says you don't even like yourself. How can you expect someone else to like you when you so clearly hate yourself?

 

You say you fear for the loss of her. This fear is exactly what is causing you to act like such a baby. Fear is keeping you paralyzed, stagnant, and ineffectual.

 

You've already lost her. I am sorry but it is true. You need to move out. Soon.

 

The most important thing in this f*cked up world full of a-holes and jerks is to be 100%, totally content being completely alone. Right now, you can't imagine being alone. Neither could I.

 

But she dumped me, and it was the best thing that happened to me in 2008. Why?

 

Because I learned to get my f*cking balls back.

 

And you can too, if you simply say F*ck her, she doesn't want me, fine, I don't want her, I am strong and I don't need her.

 

PS. I just want to add that your GF sounds like a classic verbal abuser, while you have placed yourself as the victim. She sounds awful. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. I'm not f*cking joking dude, you need to start seeing it that way. It's subtle, it's sneaky, it's clever, but it's abuse.

[chrissreef]

Good advice from others...

 

"Because I learned to get my f*cking balls back."

 

LOL - I'm "trying" to do this myself. As much as I miss/LOVE my girl and really believe we could end up together yrs from now or that we were the best thing EVER... I'm finding that as I talk to girls, go out, keep myself busy with new interests... I'm realizing that "wow, HERE I am!" Look to yourself, do what you want, try to forget any hope and empower yourself.

 

2 fortune cookies i got in the last 2 weeks...

 

"it's better to shine than reflect"

 

"a journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step"

 

Good luck! I'm right there next to ya bro! But stand up straight, put your chest out and walk like you're in control =)

[kizik]

"it's better to shine than reflect"

 

Awesome.....

[Flying Burrito]

I think what really adds to the hurt is that over Christmas we decided to get married. I haven't proposed yet, but she and I knew it would happen eventually. What I saw as my life being ready for the next wonderful step, get turned into a downwards spiral with everything important crumble to pieces around me.

I disagree with the other guys who wrote only because I saw this bit. If you hadn't included it, I would have said buck up son with the rest.

 

It's been 3 months since you decided to get married. You screwed the pooch because you didn't follow through with a ring. Promises of thrilling excitement followed by no action makes for a frustrated lover. Essentially, you did a big no-no mate.

[kizik]

Promises of thrilling excitement followed by no action makes for a frustrated lover. Essentially, you did a big no-no mate.

 

This is exactly the kind of lecturing the OP does not need.

 

His girlfriend is a very unhappy person. Instead of dealing with her emotional problems, she takes it out on him. Instead of recognizing that she has problems, he blames himself. He blames himself because his self-esteem is minimal to non-existent.

 

The guy did nothing wrong, except to sell himself waaay short. He needs to get out of this relationship, thank his lucky stars that they did not marry, and go about living the rest of his life without her.

[Flying Burrito]

This is exactly the kind of lecturing the OP does not need.

 

His girlfriend is a very unhappy person. Instead of dealing with her emotional problems, she takes it out on him. Instead of recognizing that she has problems, he blames himself. He blames himself because his self-esteem is minimal to non-existent.

 

The guy did nothing wrong, except to sell himself waaay short. He needs to get out of this relationship, thank his lucky stars that they did not marry, and go about living the rest of his life without her.

Kizik, sack up, take a deep breath and consider these as pretty normal responses to some pretty dismal life sh*t.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions there so I'll assume you have your own self-esteem issues and you deal with them by laying your personal crap at other doorsteps.

 

Think. If the girl had wanted to leave, she would be gone by now. Let the guy consider and respond for himself.

[kizik]

If the girl had wanted to leave, she would be gone by now.

 

How's that for an assumption?

 

Take your negative, combative attitude elsewhere. Interpretations are not assumptions. If you want to read my personal crap, go read it. I keep it in my own threads instead of thread-jacking. Clearly you hate it when anyone disagrees with you. Do you enjoy kicking people like the OP while they're down?

 

Obviously you only come here to sh*t on people. Take it to the gamer forums or something.

[Flying Burrito]

Attacking other people doesn't make you right son.

[kizik]

There's no attack. You began this by attacking me.

 

"sack up"

 

"you have your own self-esteem issues and you deal with them by laying your personal crap at other doorsteps"

 

I'm done. Good luck to the OP.

[orangecat]

Woah woah,

 

I didn't realize this would turn into a threadwar.

 

chrisreef: I thank you for your insight and experience. While I was taking a nap from my last threadpost. I just kept thinking about myself, and tried to force myself to think about this past relationship, other ones i've had, what to do, what to think of myself etc. I actually woke up feeling not depressed. It was a welcome change, that's for sure. That's not to say I still don't feel like crap, but I think I've taken the first step.

 

Flying Burrito: I think you misunderstand. We decided to get married yes, but it wasn't right now. It was more of let's keep going with what we have now, but keep in mind that things in the end will lead to marriage. It was during the talk about what we would do after school, let's get a house? yeah, okay then I told her, I'm not getting a house with someone I'm not married to. She knew engagement was coming, and I knew she didn't want it three months after that discussion.

 

The part of getting married was very clear, just nothing insane right now. Even though your comment throws some doubt into the no ring action, I'm thrown back into reality that if I had asked her to marry me at this point, it would have resulted in less than stellar results.

 

I am going through some rough crap. It sucks as much as it possibly can. I just wanted her close for comfort through this hard time. I mean I don't know how tod eal with my parents being ill other than being close to them, and have those who love you comfort you when you aren't near your parents. I'd love to stick it out on my own, but I'm not that strong. I think how I acted towards her was normal (given our prior relationship)

 

kizik: I thank you for your harsh words. I think some of them may have reached me. Yes she has some issues. I thought for a long time I was the one with communication issues, but really she is the one. She is quick to anger and quick to blame. I've hardly heard her take any blame herself except when it is only clearly hers. Regardless, I still love her, and I think if you ask me in six months, I will probably say the same thing. I can always talk about the problem, have no problem admitting I have the wrong one, and I guess I've been selling my own self short there. My last relationship before her, I stood my ground pretty hard. I'm not sure what changed.

 

What she says sometimes and what she does beats me down to the ground. I pursued this relationship much harder than I have. Maybe that's why I fight so hard to keep it, maybe that's why I enjoyed it more. I never pretended to be happy, I loved it, but it always seemed our hard times were much harder than it should be. Most of our fights were over commitment. For example before we moved out, I said I wanted a commitment, I wouldn't be able to deal with her and someone else while under one roof. She was so angry, but then we moved out anyways, and we got committed, it was just time, it was just patience. It was just a conflict of personalities. If you look at it another way, then I guess she was the one in control. I don't know. Our last fight was over commitment too i guess, how I felt maybe she should do something for me sometimes out of the blue, I didn't take into account how we were fighting so hard the week before. Guess I still sell myself short. But I think you can relate, given how this was so recent, i still want her back, and I still want a discussion before we do. But I know neither will come.

[Flying Burrito]

orangecat,

 

Considering what your girl has been dealing with while living with you, I think how she acted toward you is also normal. Definitely not angelic or selfless, but normal.

 

I think how you acted toward her is normal yeah. Considering what you're dealing with, I think you're average needy but you're still using your girl as your emotional toilet. You're not angelic or selfless either.

 

You're relying on this girl to act like a wife without coming through on your end. It's very manipulative and slightly crazy-making because she probably wants that future with you so she's stuck sucking hard until she loses her temper.

 

Sorry man. The situation you're in with your family is sh*t but life keeps moving forward. You either love this girl, you want a life with her or you're dicking her around. How is she supposed to know where she stands if you don't know?