jadelil25 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 My boyfriend of 3 months has never had a proper relationship before. Yesterday he nearly broke things off because he said that he feels that he is not making me happy and that is getting him down too. He said that he does care about me and like me but is unsure about it working. I ended up getting really upset and asked him a few times if we can give it another chance. I told him that I think it can work as there is a connection between us and now I understand how he feels that I can help more. I then sat there quietly but he could see that I was upset. He then started crying and went quiet and said that we can give it another go but he needs to slow things down, no sleeping over, he does not want to communicate every day and only see each other once or twice a week max. He said that he likes to have time on his own, where he just goes to sleep and does not talk to people because thats him and his personality. I said if id known this earlier I would have understood and been different and now that I know I will understand and give you the space that you want and time that you need. I said I dont want to loose you and im happy with what is going to happen. I also said that being in a relationship means communicating, let your partner know how you feel, its about compramising, give and take, learning and understanding each other. Im just now really worried that he has said this and doing it just to make me happy. Im also confused, he said he does not want to communicate every day yet he txt me first thing today to see how I am. I really like him and care about him and want this to work. I really need help on how to make it work. Should I let him make the 1st contact all the time? Is one txt or one call every other day ok? What else can I do? Also he said we can do something Friday. Is it ok to check in with him on Friday about the plans? And why would he say that he does not want to communicate every day then txt me first thing today? Thank you. I really will appreciate any help on this!
Treasa Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Aw geez. You are in for such a bumpy ride. I would honestly recommend that, unless you REALLY love this guy, cut him loose. You can try just letting him do all the contacting, but after a while you're going to feel powerless and weak. I just wouldn't recommend it. Your responses to him will send him the message that you're a doormat. Please don't be one. If he texts you, let it sit for most of the day before you respond. Go ahead and play his game if you want to. But I'd recommend just getting out unless he brings something to the relationship that you don't think you'll get anywhere else. What have past non-proper relationships of his been like?
manugeorge Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Treasa is right. While it is good to give each other space in a relationship. Setting such strict rules for communication/contact just seems a bit much to me and I don't know if it's something you should grudgingly agree to just because you're desperate to be with him. Have there been issues of clingyness(on your part) in the relationship? is that what broke you up in the first place?
Author jadelil25 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I was seeing him about 2 - 3 times a week and calling him or messaging him twice a day max. Maybe I have been to clingy, but im not a mind reader either. If had said to me earlier that he likes time alone and wants to start off at once a week then I would have known and would have been able to understand. I still go out with my friends and do other things. I dont want to be with someone 24 hours a day as that would be too much. Its just in previous relationships ive communicated everyday with my boyfriends and it has been fine. I really like him and want this to work. He said that we can still communicate but everyday is too much sometimes and sometimes he needs time on his own. Im happy to do this, im happy to see him only once a week and maybe twice, let it build up naturally as we get closer. He said that he still does care about me and like me. I was not going to txt him or call him today. He txt me first. So I left it a while and replied because I wanted to. This confused me tho because he said that he does not want to communicate all the time then messaged me after our serious chat face to face yesterday. He said he has enjoyed the time we have had together and that he has liked what we have done. I just need help on ways to make this work.
Treasa Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If you want to make it work then you have to play his games. 1. Don't contact him first. 2. Don't always answer when he calls you. 3. Don't always be available when he wants to do something. 4. Always sound happy and light, even when you're not feeling it. 5. Always sound excited about your life and what's going on in it. Eventually, though, know that you'll get tired of the game and of him always being in control. You'll get tired of acquiescing to his demands in order to keep him. "Oh, sure honey! I'll sublimate who I really am to make you happy."
manugeorge Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I don't know, I guess if you are ok with him dicating the terms the way he is, maybe it won't hurt to give it some time to see how it works out. But I just have a problem with the whole situation, starting from the fact that you pleaded with him to give you a second chance when it doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong to begin with. A mature man, who really wants to be with you will discuss the space issue first and see if you two can work out a compromise before dumping you abruptly because of it. Maybe his mind was made up and he agreed to try again because you "got so upset" and he didn't want to hurt your feelings. The mistake behind begging people for a second chance is that you will have to walk on eggshells, following all their rules and constantly being afraid of "doing anything wrong" lest they dump you again. That is no way to live honey, especially if you haven't done anything wrong to begin with. You only texted him more than once a day. OY! Give it time, sure, but be careful that you don't totally cross that line into doormatville because you want to make it work.
Recommended Posts