rebeccajones Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 A year ago I dated someone for 4 or 5 months. It started very fast and I fell in love. It ended ugly. He was older, going through a divorce and I didnt know what I was getting into. We broke up and I held on. I could not get over him. After a 3 or 4 months of not talking. I contacted him and told him that I missed him, Immediately he began emailing and flirting with my sister. He told me he was in love with her that shes all he needed and went on to say how much better she was, sexier, more feminine,etc. He did not ever spend time with her. After this and lots of ugly comments I never spoke to him nor wanted to. She is younger that me and is attractive. I am also attractive. The problem is now, a year later, I have a lot of mistrust of my sister and any new relationship I am in. Plus I have become protective of anyone I date. Is there anything that I can do? Nothing happened, but things were said and it really screwed me up. I think that my sister believes that he wanted her, and my mother thinks this is nothing that it happens all the time. But it has affected my self-esteem and brought about some anger and mistrust of my sister and in dating relationships. One thing is I realize that maybe it is better not to blindly trust as I've always done. I realize someone can say they love you but really don't and at anytime can change and hurt you in any way they feel like.
loveslife Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Rebecca, A lot of times when relationships start really fast going full-steam ahead they are doomed to failure. It's a very false sense of intimacy. It's a whirlwind. And it's often initiated by someone who is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps had you been emotionally AVAILABLE at the time of this relationship you wouldn't have gotten in so thick. Perhaps there would have been red flags dropping left and right. Several years ago I got involved in a whirlwind relationship that lasted about four months and left me very, terribly broken-hearted. He had convinced me that we were meant to be together, etc. etc. And then he left suddenly and betrayed me deeply. I came to understand what his behavior was. And I came to see that had I been emotionally available I would not have let him take me on such a whirlwind. It took me years to get over that experience! What finally did it for me was taking a long, hard look at myself. Being brutally honest. It's really never about the other person. Maybe take some time and get a better relationship with yourself. Once you love yourself and trust yourself you will know better and anyone can do whatever they want and it won't effect you. When you love yourself you only go down paths that are healthy for you. It becomes impossible to exist in an unhealthy relationship.
Author rebeccajones Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for the reply, you are right I do have to love myself. It's all I've got. Ages were 40s and 30s. He was in his 40s. WHat exactly do you mean about being emotionally available. I gave my love and heart to him well not a mature love but I thought that was being emotionally available?
openbook08 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Rebecca, A lot of times when relationships start really fast going full-steam ahead they are doomed to failure. It's a very false sense of intimacy. It's a whirlwind. And it's often initiated by someone who is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps had you been emotionally AVAILABLE at the time of this relationship you wouldn't have gotten in so thick. Perhaps there would have been red flags dropping left and right. Several years ago I got involved in a whirlwind relationship that lasted about four months and left me very, terribly broken-hearted. He had convinced me that we were meant to be together, etc. etc. And then he left suddenly and betrayed me deeply. I came to understand what his behavior was. And I came to see that had I been emotionally available I would not have let him take me on such a whirlwind. It took me years to get over that experience! What finally did it for me was taking a long, hard look at myself. Being brutally honest. It's really never about the other person. Maybe take some time and get a better relationship with yourself. Once you love yourself and trust yourself you will know better and anyone can do whatever they want and it won't effect you. When you love yourself you only go down paths that are healthy for you. It becomes impossible to exist in an unhealthy relationship. loveslife?? lovespost! really struck a chord. got me thinkin. thanks. sorry have nothin to add rjones:lmao:
loveslife Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for the reply, you are right I do have to love myself. It's all I've got. Ages were 40s and 30s. He was in his 40s. WHat exactly do you mean about being emotionally available. I gave my love and heart to him well not a mature love but I thought that was being emotionally available? That's a really good question. What is emotional availability? I think it has to do with being able to bond with another person. For me that involves: Being physically available (i.e. not in another relationship) Being able to communicate what you want Being able to communicate what you feel Being able to be present and capable of judging the other person's character, feelings and needs. Listening to the other person (they really will tell you everything you need to know but you gotta listen. Also, when I really thought about it, I was able to see that guys were telling me the same things over and over - about my issues and about the type of person they were.) Being open to the other person. Being honest I'm sure I could think of more but I think it does come down to the ability to bond. Am still working on that one.
Author rebeccajones Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I see, thanks. I think that is the only way. I think I see what you are saying. I definitely am not getting as carried away and I do listen and observe more about who I am with. I'm hoping I'm on the right track and this experience or past experience has made me realize how to understand another more and like you said listen, and not only mistrust.
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