bomber54 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You all might remember me from way back when I found sexually explicit text messages on my wife's phone to her friend. In the last year I have been focusing on hobbies, health and my career while this situation evolves or she finally comes out. Recap: I confronted her on the txt's as well as the book I found in her night stand "Married to a Man but In Love With a Woman" by Joanne Fliescher a well known lesbian advocate. She denied the txt messages and said I took them out of context ("I want you so bad I would hurt you" and "I love when you say erotic things to me") and that after having read the book's first 3 chapters she claims that's not who she is. Still, she is spends several days a week with her, or is on the phone with her (40 to 60 hours a month) or is always talking about her and her kids. If she's not lez, I'd be surprised. Even so, it's total obsession in the least. The two of them just got back form a trip to Vegas (much to my objection) and it looked like a honeymoon by the pics. She showed them to me as if I am to celebrate what a great friend she has! Even pics of the two of them naked in a spa jacuzzi awaiting their massages (covered up with bubbles thankfully). Four weeks ago I told her I was getting an attorney and to figure out who would live where. She's acting as if that conversation never took place. Just learning that her mom has agressive cancer, how can I put this (divorce) on the mother of my children (who are grown)? Yet she persists in this weird relationship claiming it's not lez. When I saw the pics of them in the jacuzzi I went ballistic and stormed out of the room and I am not speaking to her except to empathize about her mom's cancer. Her mom and I are close and we both suspect and lament her being lesbian. What am I to do?
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You all might remember me from way back when I found sexually explicit text messages on my wife's phone to her friend. In the last year I have been focusing on hobbies, health and my career while this situation evolves or she finally comes out. Recap: I confronted her on the txt's as well as the book I found in her night stand "Married to a Man but In Love With a Woman" by Joanne Fliescher a well known lesbian advocate. She denied the txt messages and said I took them out of context ("I want you so bad I would hurt you" and "I love when you say erotic things to me") and that after having read the book's first 3 chapters she claims that's not who she is. Still, she is spends several days a week with her, or is on the phone with her (40 to 60 hours a month) or is always talking about her and her kids. If she's not lez, I'd be surprised. Even so, it's total obsession in the least. The two of them just got back form a trip to Vegas (much to my objection) and it looked like a honeymoon by the pics. She showed them to me as if I am to celebrate what a great friend she has! Even pics of the two of them naked in a spa jacuzzi awaiting their massages (covered up with bubbles thankfully). Four weeks ago I told her I was getting an attorney and to figure out who would live where. She's acting as if that conversation never took place. Just learning that her mom has agressive cancer, how can I put this (divorce) on the mother of my children (who are grown)? Yet she persists in this weird relationship claiming it's not lez. When I saw the pics of them in the jacuzzi I went ballistic and stormed out of the room and I am not speaking to her except to empathize about her mom's cancer. Her mom and I are close and we both suspect and lament her being lesbian. What am I to do? I think you should follow through on the divorce. I wonder would she feel the same way if you went to las vegas with another woman and think it was okay, reality needs to hit her hard and the divorce papers cold be just that. She could be one of those mid life lesbians? Who knows but if you dont want that for your future. I advocate kicking her out and letting her live her life but not at your expense. She's gay, let her deal with it. It'll come out sooner or later. She needs to not be in denial and you need to expose it for what it is. Much luck to you.
mental_traveller Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I agree with Chrome Barracuda. She is gay, AND cheating, why would you want to marry someone like that?
quankanne Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She denied the txt messages and said I took them out of context ("I want you so bad I would hurt you" and "I love when you say erotic things to me") ummm ... there's no way you can take something like that out of context whether they were to/from a man OR a woman! if she hasn't done the deed physically, she's definitely emotionally involved with this other woman. And as hard as it is to advise this because I think there's always hope to heal a marriage, this time I'm suggesting you seriously look into divorce. Because there's no going back, even if she decides later that it was "only" a walk on the wild side or that she's bisexual –*you just cannot compete with another woman (or a woman compete with another man), the playing field just ain't level. my guess is that she's going to gaslight you the whole way, most likely because while she's exploring these new feelings, she's in denial about her sexuality.
Author bomber54 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 I agree with Chrome Barracuda. She is gay, AND cheating, why would you want to marry someone like that? Well we're already married, first off. Nearly 30 years. There are children and grandchildren. It's just plain bizarre that she's so up-front with pictures and all and STILL insists they are friends. We still go out and do things together but nothing physical has happened in years - not even hand-holding. She's all I've ever known for 31 years. Photo albums, kid-raising hilarious stories and all that history. But we have no friends anymore - at least not together. And I am deathly afraid of change and being alone. And I don't feel like fighting over who sees the kids and grandchildren, avoiding being at their houses at the same time on holidays and birthdays, etc etc. Friends who have divorced have said it was the worst thing to ever happen to them. Not all say they are better off but 2 of 3 say they are. It's a venture into the unknown with odds not high enough for me being a non-gambler. Now I'm all for adventure if I canoe, hike, look down a diamond ski trail from the summit or travel out of the country. But this? Having said all that, if I ever catch her in a lip-lock or any compromising situation that 1% of doubt would put me over the top and I would find an aggressive attorney.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Well we're already married, first off. Nearly 30 years. There are children and grandchildren. It's just plain bizarre that she's so up-front with pictures and all and STILL insists they are friends. We still go out and do things together but nothing physical has happened in years - not even hand-holding. She's all I've ever known for 31 years. Photo albums, kid-raising hilarious stories and all that history. But we have no friends anymore - at least not together. And I am deathly afraid of change and being alone. And I don't feel like fighting over who sees the kids and grandchildren, avoiding being at their houses at the same time on holidays and birthdays, etc etc. Friends who have divorced have said it was the worst thing to ever happen to them. Not all say they are better off but 2 of 3 say they are. It's a venture into the unknown with odds not high enough for me being a non-gambler. Now I'm all for adventure if I canoe, hike, look down a diamond ski trail from the summit or travel out of the country. But this? Having said all that, if I ever catch her in a lip-lock or any compromising situation that 1% of doubt would put me over the top and I would find an aggressive attorney. So just because your afraid of being alone, your willing to stay married to a lesbian? while she cheats on you? the writing is on the damn wall!!!! There's alot of women out here and if your a good looking dude, even after marriage you can get some!!!! You havent had sex from your wife in years? What did your balls drop off, are you dead? Why are you torturing yourself like this. Tell the kids she's gay, drain the bank accounts and hire a lawyer. Start living your life for you. Find a nice woman who's gonna be good for you and bang the hell outta her. Your not dead then what are you doing in a dead end marriage? The woman you knew is dead. and the faster you accept that the better.
seibert253 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Dude, if it looks like a duck, waddles, and quacks, then it's a duck. To be blunt, you wife is eating muff pie behind your back. Time for her to go.
flash582 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Did you ask if you could go with them to Vegas? She's, at a minimum, having an emotional affair with her. Sh_T happens .... but I'd serve her with the papers if she won't agree to go to counseling with you. The first thing a counselor is going to say is No Third Parties ..... If she refuses to go ... you have your answer.
mental_traveller Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Well we're already married, first off. Nearly 30 years. There are children and grandchildren. It's just plain bizarre that she's so up-front with pictures and all and STILL insists they are friends. We still go out and do things together but nothing physical has happened in years - not even hand-holding. She's all I've ever known for 31 years. Photo albums, kid-raising hilarious stories and all that history. But we have no friends anymore - at least not together. And I am deathly afraid of change and being alone. And I don't feel like fighting over who sees the kids and grandchildren, avoiding being at their houses at the same time on holidays and birthdays, etc etc. Friends who have divorced have said it was the worst thing to ever happen to them. Not all say they are better off but 2 of 3 say they are. It's a venture into the unknown with odds not high enough for me being a non-gambler. Now I'm all for adventure if I canoe, hike, look down a diamond ski trail from the summit or travel out of the country. But this? Having said all that, if I ever catch her in a lip-lock or any compromising situation that 1% of doubt would put me over the top and I would find an aggressive attorney. I'd say you only really have these options: 1) Divorce because she is gay & cheating - clean, simple, you get to move on. 2) Stay married for the kids & companionship, but insist she be 100% honest about the situation and have an open marriage. She has a relationship with her woman lover, you get to have a gf or gfs on the side, but you and your wife still have a good emotional relationship. Since she refuses counselling, and is proven to be dishonest, this seems unlikely. 3) Stay married but avoid honesty - you end up miserable and will divorce eventually anyway since living with a lying cheat and having no sex life sucks. 4) Have hot threesomes with your wife and her girlfriend. Unlikely but if you are going to divorce anyway, you have little to lose if you give it a shot.
Author bomber54 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 So just because your afraid of being alone, your willing to stay married to a lesbian? while she cheats on you? the writing is on the damn wall!!!! There's alot of women out here and if your a good looking dude, even after marriage you can get some!!!! You havent had sex from your wife in years? What did your balls drop off, are you dead? Why are you torturing yourself like this. Tell the kids she's gay, drain the bank accounts and hire a lawyer. Start living your life for you. Find a nice woman who's gonna be good for you and bang the hell outta her. Your not dead then what are you doing in a dead end marriage? The woman you knew is dead. and the faster you accept that the better. Okay - the &^%$@ hit the fan last night and I asked her to choose - me or her girlfriend. She chose her and still insists I don't understand that they are just very close friends. I asked if she wanted separate attorneys or a mediator and she replied that it was up to me. The &^%$# hit the fan when I learned she co-signed a THIRD loan w/o my consent. I knew about the other two which she did regardless of my objection. Now her credit score is in the tank (not mine, I checked) and the war has begun. I wish somehow it could be peaceful for the sake of the kids. Someone - please assure me that in a year I will be glad I busted up a 30 year (albeit rocky) marriage.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Okay - the &^%$@ hit the fan last night and I asked her to choose - me or her girlfriend. She chose her and still insists I don't understand that they are just very close friends. I asked if she wanted separate attorneys or a mediator and she replied that it was up to me. The &^%$# hit the fan when I learned she co-signed a THIRD loan w/o my consent. I knew about the other two which she did regardless of my objection. Now her credit score is in the tank (not mine, I checked) and the war has begun. I wish somehow it could be peaceful for the sake of the kids. Someone - please assure me that in a year I will be glad I busted up a 30 year (albeit rocky) marriage. CONGRADULATIONS!!!! ...now you know the truth. The friendship with the OW is worth more than your marriage, you should gather information on this OW and look through your computer's hard drive and expose to your family. Let them know their moms is gay and your filing for divorce. She can't hide it if it's the truth. I hope she's moving out. As soon as the divorce is final I suggest getting as much coochie as your bed could hold. I dont take any joy in any marriage that's ending, but when you have a sexless marriage for so long and one partner is unfaithful constantly and even with the same sex? why should you as the betrayed spouse put up with the crap!!! Leave her alone, let her and her little gay friend reap the whirlwind! as long as she's paying child support and moves out. then probably that fantasy will crumble. I suggest looking into your state for AOA lawsuits. and see if you can pull that off. The friendship is more important than the marriage? well okay time for war.
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