forbin Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 First time poster. Long time lurker. So I met this interesting woman at a party a couple weeks back (acquaintance of a friend.) Good vibes, flirty pre-date emails. Had a 2+ hour first one at a wine bar. Last Friday did the cocktail/dinner/movie 4+ hour second date. Both times the conversation was flowing, there was light banter, similar interests, lingering eye contact, incidental touching. Full body hugs starting and capping each date. Starting to "dig" her ... then as we left the movie theater and were walking back to her place I felt "a disturbance in the force." Something was up and in the cab ride back to my apartment I had mixed feelings about the night. Afterwards on Sunday, texted a "I had fun time, etc." message. No response. Then I get an email Tuesday morning: (cribbed some movie-specific banter.) I wanted to say thank you for the lovely dinner and movie -- I had a good time. I really like you and think you're an interesting person, but I hope you understand that I don't feel a spark. I hope we can still hang out, as you're a really fun person and I think we get along. Bah. Lesson? Yes you can get "friended" by a relative stranger after two seemingly good dates. Not sure how to reply, since in a way I could echo the same things she said but with that "spark" being the one big difference. Plus how can one really like someone platonically after only meeting a couple times (which tells me she's trying to lighten the rejection.) But I don't think there's much else I can say.
yeex Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have had a seemingly good date with a girl, but did not feel a "spark" even though the conversation was great. I delegated her as a friend pretty quickly. I did not really feel like asking her out on a date again even though it was pleasant being around her. Maybe that is her case, but she went on a second date to give you a second chance. I think women can make up their mind about a romantic interest vs. friend really quickly. Also who knows, she may be dating a couple of other people that she feels more of a spark for. I would just move on. Maybe reply telling her that you had a good time and that if she would like to go out again to contact you. Don't contact her anymore after that. Find one that does have the spark for you. They are out there.
2sure Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You know, she could have done things differently. She could have not taken your calls She could have disappeared without reason She could have told you her ex came back But she didnt. She was honest,polite, and respectful. Ive gone on dates, enjoyed myself, found the guy attractive...but knew no "spark" was there and not coming. It happens , its good to recognize it. She probably doesnt really want to be "friends" but just put it out there for future reference.
Author forbin Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Yeah I do respect the gesture. Just a bit disappointed in the outcome, and it's been kind of a let down for the week. I was almost going to cancel last Friday because I was on the tail end of getting over a quick cold and had a bunch of other things going on - so that might have also affected the end result. But that just might be my ego talking. But yes much better than calling/wondering/waiting for no effect. Perhaps a cordial quick note at most acknowledging the message. There's an off chance I'd see her again since she's a friend of a friend.
sand26 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Yeah, the outcome sucks for you right now. Seems like you are attracted to healthy people at least though, she handled this like an adult. And who knows, if she kicks around with you enough, a spark may develop. good luck
loveslife Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Yeah, I like what Sand said. At least you're attracted to someone who acts like an adult and doesn't just disappear. I've been on both sides of this type of equation and neither is great but it's great she didn't just disappear.
samspade Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You know, she could have done things differently. She could have not taken your calls She could have disappeared without reason She could have told you her ex came back But she didnt. She was honest,polite, and respectful. I agree! She did you a favor. She also could have taken you for a nice ride....dinners, drinks, movies, and then told you. She doesn't want to waste your time. Not sure how to reply, since in a way I could echo the same things she said but with that "spark" being the one big difference. Plus how can one really like someone platonically after only meeting a couple times (which tells me she's trying to lighten the rejection.) But I don't think there's much else I can say. No need to reply, really. She might not actually like you at all, but the only thing that matters is she is not feeling ATTRACTION. It's either there or it isn't, and people decide subconsciously if they're attracted to someone usually within a few minutes of meeting that person. Don't take it personally, just do more to stir those juices in a woman next time you meet her.
Author forbin Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Thanks Samspade. Referring to Hitch is cliche, but if you're actually *dating* someone, getting that first or more importantly second date kiss is vital. Seems to be a now 100% reliable advice to me as there's never been a third date in my experience without that all important kiss. Loveslife, it's been a recent pattern. The ones I don't have "head chemistry" with are the ones I've rounded the bases dating-wise. And those I click with in a platonic way seem to fizzle when it comes to that *fun* part of dating.
BCCA Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 You should thank your lucky stars. VERY FEW people would be this upfront. 999/1000 times, they'll just do the dissapearing act, BS you, or make up an excuse about their uncle's neighbor's little brother's cat being sick or something. She could have gotten you to take her to a bunch of chick flicks, bought her expensive gifts, or any number of other things. Seriously, Ive been dating a long time, and have NEVER had one single woman be that honest. Seriously, not that I would be friends with her, but I would hold her in a much higher regard than if she went with the BS route.
samspade Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 And those I click with in a platonic way seem to fizzle when it comes to that *fun* part of dating. Perhaps you are being too friendly. It is a common mistake to make when you click with someone. I myself had to practice being less chummy and more romantic/teasing/mysterious until it became natural. It may sound like you are faking something, but really you are just channeling different moods. It seems fake at first because it's like a muscle that doesn't get enough flexing. And I always kiss on the first date. Funny thing is, I know when it's there for the taking, and sometimes I go for it when it's not there nevertheless. Just to see what happens.
You'reasian Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 First time poster. Long time lurker. So I met this interesting woman at a party a couple weeks back (acquaintance of a friend.) Good vibes, flirty pre-date emails. Had a 2+ hour first one at a wine bar. Last Friday did the cocktail/dinner/movie 4+ hour second date. Both times the conversation was flowing, there was light banter, similar interests, lingering eye contact, incidental touching. Full body hugs starting and capping each date. Starting to "dig" her ... then as we left the movie theater and were walking back to her place I felt "a disturbance in the force." Something was up and in the cab ride back to my apartment I had mixed feelings about the night. Afterwards on Sunday, texted a "I had fun time, etc." message. No response. Then I get an email Tuesday morning: (cribbed some movie-specific banter.) Bah. Lesson? Yes you can get "friended" by a relative stranger after two seemingly good dates. Not sure how to reply, since in a way I could echo the same things she said but with that "spark" being the one big difference. Plus how can one really like someone platonically after only meeting a couple times (which tells me she's trying to lighten the rejection.) But I don't think there's much else I can say. When you met her at the party, there might have been a spark or something of interest. When you went out on the date, you did "the right thing" - which is a combination of being a gentleman (a good thing), playing it safe (not being too flirtatious or attempting light contact) possibly putting her on a pedistal (a bad thing). She felt no chemistry from you because you didnot tap into the wild side. However, she respects you - might make a good friend if that's something you also desire and might even have another lady friend who she could introduce you too. Next date with the next girl: try a new scent, make more eye contact and back it up with the way you feel about her (if your getting nice vibes, let your eyes speak - they never lie), be spontaneous - but uniquely you and flirt when you can.
MN randomguy Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 First time poster. Long time lurker. So I met this interesting woman at a party a couple weeks back (acquaintance of a friend.) Good vibes, flirty pre-date emails. Had a 2+ hour first one at a wine bar. Last Friday did the cocktail/dinner/movie 4+ hour second date. Both times the conversation was flowing, there was light banter, similar interests, lingering eye contact, incidental touching. Full body hugs starting and capping each date. Starting to "dig" her ... then as we left the movie theater and were walking back to her place I felt "a disturbance in the force." Something was up and in the cab ride back to my apartment I had mixed feelings about the night. Afterwards on Sunday, texted a "I had fun time, etc." message. No response. Then I get an email Tuesday morning: (cribbed some movie-specific banter.) Bah. Lesson? Yes you can get "friended" by a relative stranger after two seemingly good dates. Not sure how to reply, since in a way I could echo the same things she said but with that "spark" being the one big difference. Plus how can one really like someone platonically after only meeting a couple times (which tells me she's trying to lighten the rejection.) But I don't think there's much else I can say. Had this happen to me twice in the last year. Both times I was OK do the friend thing. Then, they tried to set me up with girls that how can I state this without starting a flame war? Most men would find unattractive. I took it to meant that they think I'm hideous. Maybe i'm too hard on myself.
Author forbin Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 You'reasian, now that you mention it, during the first date I was a bit more flirtatious (commenting on her looks in a way that she appeared into, etc.) But the second date I kinda dropped the ball for reasons I mentioned earlier. Date came off I think a bit too planned and must have felt less spontaneous. I was focused on getting from point A to B, etc. Perhaps there was a little pedestal/idealizing thing going on as well. Quite different from past dates where I didn't "like" the woman as much on a friend level. MN_randomguy, yep I've had that happen before.
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