Me of All People

[Athena]

More likely, OP is not scared off from this thread, but rather doesn't have access to the Internet, although I don't see why the heck not if her H IS getting a divorce, why should he care who she writes to?!

[stampdaddy]

More likely, OP is not scared off from this thread, but rather doesn't have access to the Internet, although I don't see why the heck not if her H IS getting a divorce, why should he care who she writes to?!

 

I agree, but c'mon.. IF she came back to this Tennis Match, why in the world would she want to post what is going on with her?

 

Athena, again, not arguing with you... By the way: dump your husband (and I have never said that before)

[lkjh]

Cheaters will always try to prove that cheating is not their fault. If you are cheating then you are at fault plane and simple.

[Reggie]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. Let's see if we can agree to somethning first. People stay married for about a million reasons; not all of them about love and Princess and the such. People like their lifestyles, the cars they drive the houses they have. They like their friends, they like their vacations and their second homes or that fact that they can join healthclubs or spas. The country club or golf clubs. People may like the money a spouse makes or the access they have to things. Others might think the person is a good father or mother, but most certainly, people don't always stay together for love.

 

In my case, I made a series of bad decisons that lead me down a very bad path. People use the description out here of being in a fog. It's a pure addiction my friends, with all of the ups and downs that go with being stuck on something. My bad decisions lead to a major mistake and once I was underwater I'll admit that only getting caught was going to help me. I want to IC BEFORE it ended because I was spiralling out of control and I felt myself losing my grip. There are actual physical things that happen to us, endorphins fire and we are acting in a euphoria that causes us to make bad decisions. That was my point. Never took one too many drinks? Know what it's like when you're raising that shot glass knowing it will tip you over? And you do it anyway? That's what this is like for many of us. Were the conditions right? Yes. A willing participant? Yes, but bad decision making can lead to a mistake.

 

Funny thing is my IC said that those of us who think we are most likely to NOT have this happen are equally at risk. Conditions in life can cause us to behave in interesting ways.

 

I think Confused is likely angry at the following people. MM, MM's wife, her husand and the big one, HERSELF. She is going through the stages that are normal for this. We need to understand that. I am so mad at ME right now for what has happened, I can't even describe to you how I feel. So I get the stages.

 

Her husband had an agenda from the beginning. He could have said to her, I don't believe you, your words are worthless so I'm doing my own digging. Until then, I have nothing to say. He didn't. So at some level all I'm saying is the level of trust in that home was low. I know I was looking to my wife for guidance and approval. Sat in MC and said nothing until I was prompted to by the therapist so my wife could express herself. I didn't pushback on anything until the 6th session. I got it. Let's support Confused and see where she is going on this journey. It's a process folks.

 

I think if he'd been upfront about not buying her story, he ran the risk of her taking this further underground, impeding his ability to get the full truth.

He needed to lull her, so he could investigate more easily.

I can't recall the details of your wifes discovery Samp. But, had your wife told you she had suspicions, do yo really think you would have come clean?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Interesting statement. There is no point in dialogue then, huh? Why even come to a DISCUSSION board...lol...

 

This is easy, if you do not care to listen to anybody whose opinions differ from you, then you should put them on ignore. Saves you the aggravation of having to defend yourself, no? 'Just saying.

 

Hard to listen to someone when you and them both know they are doing something bad and yet, they continue to do it? Sometimes rational logic tends to fail when discussing affairs with WS's. So that's why it's hard to listen to them because alot of times what they spout, logically is nonsense.

 

You cannot talk rationally with someone who has an irrational mind.

 

I'm willing to listen. but if they cant give a very valid reason for doing harm then what's the point you know?

 

Cheaters will always try to prove that cheating is not their fault. If you are cheating then you are at fault plane and simple.

 

Kinda hard to disagree with that! lol. Like I told many people here, cheating is a choice! there is no mistake.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think I used "whining" to describe the BS's feelings

 

No, you are correct, you said cheater. My mistake. I read too fast sometimes.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hope this is not the same SO, who is with you because her days with "bad boys" are over? Oh please, tell me you left that woman. I swear if you didnt I would be so crushed...I mean it, Dexter Morgan!

 

Nope, she is history:cool:

[tami-chan]

Hard to listen to someone when you and them both know they are doing something bad and yet, they continue to do it? Sometimes rational logic tends to fail when discussing affairs with WS's. So that's why it's hard to listen to them because alot of times what they spout, logically is nonsense.

 

You cannot talk rationally with someone who has an irrational mind.

 

I'm willing to listen. but if they cant give a very valid reason for doing harm then what's the point you know?

 

Cheaters will always try to prove that cheating is not their fault. If you are cheating then you are at fault plane and simple.

 

Kinda hard to disagree with that! lol. Like I told many people here, cheating is a choice! there is no mistake.

 

There are two things going on on this thread....

 

1) You are referring to WS as irrational--which means, cheaters are irrational, right?

2) but cheating is NOT irrational

 

So, you believe that irrational people make rational choices?

 

Tell me, please, Chrome, how do you reconcile those two?

[tami-chan]

Nope, she is history:cool:

 

 

Impressive. Ok people live and learn!

[Chrome Barracuda]

There are two things going on on this thread....

 

1) You are referring to WS as irrational--which means, cheaters are irrational, right?

2) but cheating is NOT irrational

 

So, you believe that irrational people make rational choices?

 

Tell me, please, Chrome, how do you reconcile those two?

 

Cheating is not irrational??? hmmm the act of cheating especially in a good marriage is irrational. a WS in the throes of an affair can be and is irrational not listening to logical thought. That's a fact. I'm just stating how it is. And what I've seen first hand on other sites and also what I've experienced in my relationships.

 

Case in point.I treated my ex like gold and we was just starting to get to know each other and yet she cheated on me.

 

Am I to blame for her choice??? No.

 

And when we had the conversation about why she wold cheat on me with a man who treated her like crap, she cold not answer me.

 

It made no sense. That's what was irrational about it.

 

...it is what it is. I get what your saying.

[lostandinlove]

Well let's start off with another famous quote by a man smarter and mmore worthy than Albert " May he hath not sinned cast the first stone." and obviously everyone here is for a reason, and i am sure like ALL web sights there are some here who have no life but to read everyones post's and comment on something the have no clue about.....

Now, as far as your situation i can personally relate, i am sorry for the involvement of the kids, my situation involved kids as well. ofcourse my marriage was already failing but i didnt make it right. but whats done is done. I can't speak for your husband but my ex- wife had cheated on me first and instead of cutting ties while there was no children i decided to forgive and try to forget. I never happend, but i was able to supress it and took that as a ticket to have my own "affairs".

When i had started my affair the husband found out and called my wife, hired a PI and evenhis mother showed up....it was a cluster. They eventually ended it and filed for divorce, she wanted me too as well but i couldn't break my family apart no matter how bad i wanted too......well i could go into great detail but it would take days......

My advise to you is continue MC, and actually you should start seeing a shrink to see if there is anything else going on in your mind you may not be aware of, also there are two books you can pick up for you and your husband. The titles are "If only He Knew", and "For better or Best", both by Gary Smalley. I would also suggets that you get Fireproof, movie and book and start the process if you want to make a real attempt on saving your marriage. Now there ar no guarantees like everything else in the world, but in the end if it works out the reward will be endless, and if it doesen't then you can say that you gave it a honest effort.........GOOD LUCK, and God Bless.

[lostandinlove]

Well let's start off with another famous quote by a man smarter and mmore worthy than Albert " May he hath not sinned cast the first stone." and obviously everyone here is for a reason, and i am sure like ALL web sights there are some here who have no life but to read everyones post's and comment on something the have no clue about.....

Now, as far as your situation i can personally relate, i am sorry for the involvement of the kids, my situation involved kids as well. ofcourse my marriage was already failing but i didnt make it right. but whats done is done. I can't speak for your husband but my ex- wife had cheated on me first and instead of cutting ties while there was no children i decided to forgive and try to forget. I never happend, but i was able to supress it and took that as a ticket to have my own "affairs".

When i had started my affair the husband found out and called my wife, hired a PI and evenhis mother showed up....it was a cluster. They eventually ended it and filed for divorce, she wanted me too as well but i couldn't break my family apart no matter how bad i wanted too......well i could go into great detail but it would take days......

My advise to you is continue MC, and actually you should start seeing a shrink to see if there is anything else going on in your mind you may not be aware of, also there are two books you can pick up for you and your husband. The titles are "If only He Knew", and "For better or Best", both by Gary Smalley. I would also suggets that you get Fireproof, movie and book and start the process if you want to make a real attempt on saving your marriage. Now there ar no guarantees like everything else in the world, but in the end if it works out the reward will be endless, and if it doesen't then you can say that you gave it a honest effort.........GOOD LUCK, and God Bless.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well let's start off with another famous quote by a man smarter and mmore worthy than Albert " May he hath not sinned cast the first stone."

 

This quote has been used time and time again. usually spoken by those who think they should come away with their wrongdoings with no real consequences.

 

Nobody is without even the smallest amount of sin.

 

But when it comes to cheating or sleeping with someone elses wife/gf..yes...I AM without that sin.

 

Now where is my goddamn sling???? It was just here a minute ago...

[tami-chan]

This quote has been used time and time again. usually spoken by those who think they should come away with their wrongdoings with no real consequences.

 

Nobody is without even the smallest amount of sin.

 

But when it comes to cheating or sleeping with someone elses wife/gf..yes...I AM without that sin.

 

Now where is my goddamn sling???? It was just here a minute ago...

 

LOL...Dexter! unfortunately the statement addresses sin in general terms...IF it was specific to certain "sins", you might actually get a sling!

[tami-chan]

Cheating is not irrational??? hmmm the act of cheating especially in a good marriage is irrational. a WS in the throes of an affair can be and is irrational not listening to logical thought. That's a fact. I'm just stating how it is. And what I've seen first hand on other sites and also what I've experienced in my relationships.

 

Case in point.I treated my ex like gold and we was just starting to get to know each other and yet she cheated on me.

 

Am I to blame for her choice??? No.

 

And when we had the conversation about why she wold cheat on me with a man who treated her like crap, she cold not answer me.

It made no sense. That's what was irrational about it.

 

...it is what it is. I get what your saying.

 

So you believe CHEATING is IRRATIONAL. Then it is possible that people just cheat without realizing the devastating results/consequences...that cheaters get to THAT point where the lines are blurred because nothing is logical and rational, right.

 

Irrational people make irrational decisions, right? so...who owns the responsibility?

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL...Dexter! unfortunately the statement addresses sin in general terms...IF it was specific to certain "sins", you might actually get a sling!

 

Nope, I have a sling with the word "cheater" written on it.

 

If that statement was regarding "sin" in general terms that means NOBODY, now matter what, can say a word of criticism against anyone else and also nobody should be judged.

 

Alot of lousy behavior would just simply go unchecked if that were the case.

[tami-chan]

Nope, I have a sling with the word "cheater" written on it.

 

If that statement was regarding "sin" in general terms that means NOBODY, now matter what, can say a word of criticism against anyone else and also nobody should be judged.

 

Alot of lousy behavior would just simply go unchecked if that were the case.

 

ahhh....you have your OWN sling!...ok...lol...yes, of course it was addressing sins in general....is there another version of the saying spelling out the specifics?

[Dexter Morgan]

ahhh....you have your OWN sling!...ok...lol...yes, of course it was addressing sins in general....is there another version of the saying spelling out the specifics?

 

And again, if it is addressing sins in general, which I believe it is, then nobody can ever criticize anyone else for anything.

 

thats why I don't believe that "saying" has any virtue whatsoever.

 

And whenever someone pulls that saying out I ought to say "AAAAHHH shuddup!!!" then you hear *crack*!!! the sound of the stone smacking them in the head.

[tami-chan]

And again, if it is addressing sins in general, which I believe it is, then nobody can ever criticize anyone else for anything.

 

thats why I don't believe that "saying" has any virtue whatsoever.

 

And whenever someone pulls that saying out I ought to say "AAAAHHH shuddup!!!" then you hear *crack*!!! the sound of the stone smacking them in the head.

 

LOL..."crack"!..

 

BTW, didn't Jesus say that to the people who were going to stone a prostitute to death? Maybe it was lost in translation. Difficult to think Jesus saying anything without "virtue".

 

Anyhow, I do understand what you are saying..

[michelangelo]

I've always taken the biblical strictures on judging to mean regarding who goes to heaven or not after death.

 

I don't believe deciding to not allow infidelity in one's life and requiring an expression of remorse (HUGE, HUGE) and NEVER repeating the offense allows the one a cheater offended (their spouse) to repair them self and possibly the marriage.

 

My wife likes to toss around terms like "you're not my vindicator, the Lord is!"

 

She does this whenever she is pressed for why she did this monstrous thing or to make up for it.

 

She has a childlike way of thinking about her affair, very longterm affair. She thinks that all it takes to get past her despicable behavior is to tell me God has forgiven her. Well, that's great for her. Does nothing for me.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've always taken the biblical strictures on judging to mean regarding who goes to heaven or not after death.

 

I don't believe deciding to not allow infidelity in one's life and requiring an expression of remorse (HUGE, HUGE) and NEVER repeating the offense allows the one a cheater offended (their spouse) to repair them self and possibly the marriage.

 

My wife likes to toss around terms like "you're not my vindicator, the Lord is!"

 

You should say to her, "you are right, I'm not your vindicator...I'm just the poor sap that gave you a 2nd chance and has to put up with your bulls##t"

 

 

She does this whenever she is pressed for why she did this monstrous thing or to make up for it.

 

You mean she isn't wanting to make up for it? if not, why do you stay?

 

 

She has a childlike way of thinking about her affair, very longterm affair. She thinks that all it takes to get past her despicable behavior is to tell me God has forgiven her. Well, that's great for her. Does nothing for me.

 

Did you tell her that last part? If so, what did she say.

 

and what do cheaters know about "God" anyway? as if all of a sudden "God" NOW matters.

[bentnotbroken]

I've always taken the biblical strictures on judging to mean regarding who goes to heaven or not after death.

 

I don't believe deciding to not allow infidelity in one's life and requiring an expression of remorse (HUGE, HUGE) and NEVER repeating the offense allows the one a cheater offended (their spouse) to repair them self and possibly the marriage.

 

My wife likes to toss around terms like "you're not my vindicator, the Lord is!"

 

She does this whenever she is pressed for why she did this monstrous thing or to make up for it.

 

She has a childlike way of thinking about her affair, very longterm affair. She thinks that all it takes to get past her despicable behavior is to tell me God has forgiven her. Well, that's great for her. Does nothing for me.

 

Did she not realize that even though God has forgiven her, she still has to make amends and suffer the consequences. Repentance involves a complete change in the mind, heart and will of the believer. It is more than being sorry for the sin (and in most people's case it just means sorry they got caught), it is surrender to God. A person may be sorry for the sin because of the consequences, but still have no thought of God or the person they hurt.

[desertmoon]

Did she not realize that even though God has forgiven her, she still has to make amends and suffer the consequences. Repentance involves a complete change in the mind, heart and will of the believer. It is more than being sorry for the sin (and in most people's case it just means sorry they got caught), it is surrender to God. A person may be sorry for the sin because of the consequences, but still have no thought of God or the person they hurt.

 

Didn't Jesus say, if you ask forgiveness your heart will be turned "whiter than snow"? Where does it say in the Bible that you have to make amends and suffer the consequences--I think that's why Jesus "atoned" for "our" sins.

 

I agree that repentance involves a complete u-turn...and with that u-turn the sinner must no longer do the things he/she did before that were sinful-cheating, lying, etc. But repentance is not a pre-condition to forgiveness, but rather a response to God's forgiveness.

[bentnotbroken]

Didn't Jesus say, if you ask forgiveness your heart will be turned "whiter than snow"? Where does it say in the Bible that you have to make amends and suffer the consequences--I think that's why Jesus "atoned" for "our" sins.

 

I agree that repentance involves a complete u-turn...and with that u-turn the sinner must no longer do the things he/she did before that were sinful-cheating, lying, etc. But repentance is not a pre-condition to forgiveness, but rather a response to God's forgiveness.

 

 

I agree it is a result of God's forgiveness and if you are sincere in wanting to make that change. And I don't know of anyone who makes the change who doens't want to try to fix or at least sincerely apologize for the hurt and pain they have caused others. True repentence comes from the heart. And yes, the bible does say we all will suffer the consequences of our actions (we shall all be known by the fruit we bare and we will all reap what we sow.)

[desertmoon]

... And yes, the bible does say we all will suffer the consequences of our actions (we shall all be known by the fruit we bare and we will all reap what we sow.)

 

Only if we do not ask forgiveness and repent. I believe it was Paul in his letter to the Hebrews who said that Christ died to set the sinners free from the penalty of sins..

 

I could be wrong, I am just trying to recall what I (thought I)learned in my Religion class.