Me of All People

[sky1200]

I tried to reach MM to tell him but he hasn't responded to my text messages and when I call his cell phone I get a busy signal. I can't believe he's run now after everything and I have noone to really turn to.

 

After all that has happened, you still haven't learned your lessons yet??

 

Why are you contacting your affair partner, the one (along with you) who caused all this and destroyed so many lives? Are you trying to seek comfort from you? Are you trying to start up the affair? Are you trying to help him? (how would your H feel about that).

 

Why are you even surprised that he doesn't respond to you? He used you for sex and ego boost. You're nothing to him now other than trash that he want to get rid off.

[lostsunsets]

confused, one thing. The people here don't hate you. They hate what the poster known as confused mom did. You need to remember that each one of them has (probably) experienced exactly what your husband is going through. You were in a dream world. Reality has now come crashing in. First you need to take care of yourself, for your kids sake. You need to drink lots of liquids and get as much rest as you can. You should see a doctor for STD testing and anti depressants. I would start a journal as soon as possible. You need to be able to express your feelings and grieve. Your husband should wait 6 months before he divorces you. This is not something you do in the heat of passion. Please talk to your husband and give him these reasons.

 

1. The children have to come first.

2. As bad as this is you will end up hurting the children by moving to quickly.

3. We may be over, but we will have a connection for the rest of our lives, the kids.

4. I have to be in a stable environment for the kids.

5. As much as this is my fault, and it is totally my fault. You may end up hurting your relationship with the children, if this isn't done right. I don't want to see that happen.

[pelicanpreacher]

You had one chance to rectify this and possibly avert devestation by divulging everything to your husband including those damning emails. At least then he would have seen some truth in your efforts to be honest with him. Instead, he discovered more deceipt for not only did he pull up all (or most of the emails) but also found out that you deleted those emails soon after discovering that your he had had hired a PI. Even now, you are slipping around to your girlfriend's home to go online here at LS and do whatever else you're doing when out of sight and out of mind. The fact is now it doesn't matter for he is moving toward divorce and doesn't give a damn what you do or who you do it with now and forevermore.

 

Congratulations!

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your kids...This is going to be very hard on them so I suggest family counselling to help them cope with the changes. Definately rely on your mom and close friends right now. Also, start counselling for yourself.

 

Even now, you are slipping around to your girlfriend's home to go online here at LS

 

She still needs some support, even if she did bring this all on, on her own. It's not cool to kick someone when they're down..She knows she's messed up and lost everything.

[whichwayisup]

I tried to reach MM to tell him but he hasn't responded to my text messages and when I call his cell phone I get a busy signal. I can't believe he's run now after everything

 

You have to leave him alone..He is dealing with his wife and that fallout there.. He's ignoring you because he's made his choice to stay in no contact mode. You don't need him anyway.

[Athena]

This is for Athena:

 

<<When I finished reading them I looked up and he said, "It's over. We're done and I can't be with you. We'll figure this out with the chidlren but I can't stay with you.">>

 

Oops, missed that...

Okay, understandable.... HE wants out...

[tami-chan]

Confused, I re-read your posts from the beginning and I realized that your husband was never interested in knowing the truth from you. In all your posts you mentioned that "he did most of the talking" or "did not want to talk to me"...He was not interested in what you had to say,perhaps because 1) you were in an affair, and thus he does not trust you 2) or it is just his nature not to hear your side---probably why you had the affair and why you have been in MC a few times in the past. So do not feel guilty about not "taking the chance to come clean"...there was no chance. Your H was not interested. He wanted to find the truth his way.

 

By the way, didn't your husband say that he was "willing to give you a chance" if you will be transparent and asked for your passwords to myspace, etc? He lied, didn't he? He used it to bolster his case against you. I can't blame him. Did he not also make you delete all your emails and email accounts? Clearly, he knew that your emails contain information that could be damaging to your marriage. Confused, your husband was just biding his time. Your marriage was over when he was informed of your affair. Everything he did and said to you that made you think there was a chance your marriage could be worked on was a lie...

 

The problem of betraying is, one never knows how the betrayed person will react. Learn from this, confused. But enough of that. You must focus on yourself now. The line is drawn.Your husband is no longer on your side. Do not trust anything he says. See a lawyer. Know your rights.

 

Keep yourself healthy--like someone had suggested earlier-get enough of sleep, eat right, exercise. You are going to need the energy to come out of this, albeit losing your marriage but not beaten. Talk to your mom, like you plan. She will be upset about your affair but she will get past it and embrace you...good luck!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sorry tami chan, but she lied first, she lied about the emails, tried to contact the OM at every turn. Hindered the marriage, lied about contact, lied to her very own child while having sex with the OM in her house in front of her daughter when her husband isnt home!!!

 

Her husband LIED???

 

Are you F-ing kidding me???

 

For her addiction this woman will loose her family and rightfully so. I'm still saddened by the turn of events. But she brought it upon herself. If she was transparent and went No Contact with the OM, revealed everything she done, no trickle truth, and been up front and honest maybe, just maybe her husband could have forgiven her.

 

but I tell you it's not the cheating that, hurts it's the outright lies.

 

He is the betrayed spouses under law no matter how you slice it he has the option to divorce her, because she broke her vows repetedly.

 

He didnt lie, she did. why are you taking her side when she's plainly wrong? I dont get it???

 

How can you overlook her having the OM in his house!!!!! WTF????

[tami-chan]

Sorry tami chan, but she lied first, she lied about the emails, tried to contact the OM at every turn. Hindered the marriage, lied about contact, lied to her very own child while having sex with the OM in her house in front of her daughter when her husband isnt home!!!

 

Yes we all know that. She said that herself. She did not denying deceiving her husband and her own child. Did I say she didn't lie?

 

Her husband LIED???

Yes. She said in one of her posts that her husband said that "he was willing to give her chance" if she will give the password to her online accounts. Which she did. But I believe that the husband only said that to gain access, not because he wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Are you F-ing kidding me???

Is that a cuss word? ..No, I am not kidding you.

 

 

For her addiction this woman will loose her family and rightfully so. I'm still saddened by the turn of events. But she brought it upon herself. I

You are not saddened by the turn of events. Do not lie. You are rejoicing that this woman will lose her marriage because of her affair. You know you believe she deserves to lose everything....please... . Granted she brought this upon herself...I said above that I do not blame the husband for doing what he is doing. Still, let's not pretend we are not satisfied with ourselves and the outcome, shall we?

 

If she was transparent and went No Contact with the OM, revealed everything she done, no trickle truth, and been up front and honest maybe, just maybe her husband could have forgiven her.

Have you not read anything she posted? the husband was not interested in anything she wanted to say. Every time they talked....he was the only one allowed to talk....He was NEVER interested in her story-her truth-which, like I said, I cannot blame him for feeling that way...Pray tell, how was she supposed to tell the husband when he refused to be engaged? and she was too afraid to irk him?

 

but I tell you it's not the cheating that, hurts it's the outright lies

.

 

hmm...ok...is there ever an act of cheating that does not require a lie?

 

He is the betrayed spouses under law no matter how you slice it he has the option to divorce her, because she broke her vows repetedly.

Chrome, you need to calm down. You are not making sense to me. Of course he IS the BS and of course it is HIS option to divorce her. Did I say anything different? Did I not say that she should learn from this experience? that the problem with betraying somebody is that one can ever know how the betrayed person will react?

 

He didnt lie, she did. why are you taking her side when she's plainly wrong? I dont get it???

 

He lied. That is MY opinion.Her lies are established-there is no argument there. There was never ever a chance of their marriage surviving. He already made up his mind when the affair came to light. He was not going to listen to her revealing the truth because he wanted to find it out himself to bolster his case for divorce. I am NOT taking HER side about the affair. I am saying, for her to stop moping and be depressed and all of that but for her take care of herself.

 

WTF? What do YOU want her to do? The marriage is OVER. Do you want her to wallow in despair? to do something bad to herself?????? is that what you want her to do?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yes we all know that. She said that herself. She did not denying deceiving her husband and her own child. Did I say she didn't lie?

 

But when does the deceiving ends? She had a second chance and obviously ruined it!

Yes. She said in one of her posts that her husband said that "he was willing to give her chance" if she will give the password to her online accounts. Which she did. But I believe that the husband only said that to gain access, not because he wanted to work on the marriage.

 

I think hopefully he wasnt expecting to find those discarded emails when clearly he gave her a chance to reveal it before. That was the lie, she probably told him she had no contact which was an outright lie.

 

Is that a cuss word? ..No, I am not kidding you.

 

lol your funny.

 

 

You are not saddened by the turn of events. Do not lie. You are rejoicing that this woman will lose her marriage because of her affair. You know you believe she deserves to lose everything....please... . Granted she brought this upon herself...I said above that I do not blame the husband for doing what he is doing. Still, let's not pretend we are not satisfied with ourselves and the outcome, shall we?

 

No for real, I am saddened... it's not easy for any family to break up and be happy about it, but seriously why would I take joy in that? That doesnt make any sense. I think the husband will split everything evenly 50/50. He should get custody and she should move out.

 

Have you not read anything she posted? the husband was not interested in anything she wanted to say. Every time they talked....he was the only one allowed to talk....He was NEVER interested in her story-her truth-which, like I said, I cannot blame him for feeling that way...Pray tell, how was she supposed to tell the husband when he refused to be engaged? and she was too afraid to irk him?

 

well she should have found a way to tell him! she sure found a way to talk to the OM ok. but her husband who's probably in pain, hurting, embarrased. in pain. A letter hand-written could have sufficed.

 

hmm...ok...is there ever an act of cheating that does not require a lie?

 

i dont think so, but remember this is the second time this happened, so remember she did have the affair a while back and supposedly came clean about that. he was probably still trying to establish trust but she didnt come completely clean now did she?

 

Chrome, you need to calm down. You are not making sense to me. Of course he IS the BS and of course it is HIS option to divorce her. Did I say anything different? Did I not say that she should learn from this experience? that the problem with betraying somebody is that one can ever know how the betrayed person will react?

 

...I am calm.

 

He didnt lie, she did. why are you taking her side when she's plainly wrong? I dont get it???{/quote]

 

He lied. That is MY opinion.Her lies are established-there is no argument there. There was never ever a chance of their marriage surviving. He already made up his mind when the affair came to light. He was not going to listen to her revealing the truth because he wanted to find it out himself to bolster his case for divorce. I am NOT taking HER side about the affair. I am saying, for her to stop moping and be depressed and all of that but for her take care of herself.

 

That's not true. He did forgive her for the first time, and probably pleaded with her to come clean, but yet again she continued. She didnt want to recover, what she didnt know that still messing with the OM would ruin her marriage??? Really?

 

WTF? What do YOU want her to do? The marriage is OVER. Do you want her to wallow in despair? to do something bad to herself?????? is that what you want her to do?

 

Hmmm what I want for her to do, is not contact the OM anymore! she contacted the OM to WARN him??? WTF? is her life and family and husband so important than she would take precious time outta her life to contact her affair partner in the aftermath to tell him her situation in hopes that she hears her voice??? To take solace that he still cares about her?! Which he doesnt. all she was, was a notch in the OM's belt. simple as that. he got what he wanted. She got sold a pipe dream and fell for it.

 

I dont want her to kill herself or harm herself but I dont want her to blame her husband for his choice to end the marriage and kick her out, that was her choice. First thing she needs to do is get psychological help. Period. then go see a lawyer and know her rights, but dont be so smug and hatefull that her affair is over. Trying to warn the OM??? WTF? excuse me? havent you already caused enough damage???

[tami-chan]

Hope it was all worth it. We reap what we sow and our sins shall surely find us out. I don't wish ill will upon you or anyone, but you're getting what you deserve.

 

Of course it was not worth it. She already expressed so much regret. Why would you ask that? Jesus H. Christ! Are you a Christian?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Of course it was not worth it. She already expressed so much regret. Why would you ask that? Jesus H. Christ! Are you a Christian?

 

Ypu dont have to be a christian to know the difference between right and wrong.

[tami-chan]

But when does the deceiving ends? She had a second chance and obviously ruined it

I do not think there was ever a second chance.

I think hopefully he wasnt expecting to find those discarded emails when clearly he gave her a chance to reveal it before. That was the lie, she probably told him she had no contact which was an outright lie.

No, he knew there were email exchanges between them. That is why he demanded that she delete the accounts. But he also knew that if need be he can always access them even if she cannot.

 

lol your funny.

Oh, am I?

 

 

No for real, I am saddened... it's not easy for any family to break up and be happy about it, but seriously why would I take joy in that? That doesnt make any sense. I think the husband will split everything evenly 50/50. He should get custody and she should move out.

Oh please....give me a break, Chrome. If she reported here that her husband is willing to work on her marriage and that they were doing fine...you and some others here would slam her and tell her she does not deserve a second chance...

 

"why would you take joy in that"?....only YOU can answer that if you are honest to yourself.

 

well she should have found a way to tell him! she sure found a way to talk to the OM ok. but her husband who's probably in pain, hurting, embarrased. in pain. A letter hand-written could have sufficed.

Well..losing the OM is really not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, is it? Losing the husband is...because with it you lose many more...So if someone who can make your life miserable lets you know "you are not allowed to speak and I am not interested in anything you say"-there is only one thing you can do...stay quiet until asked to speak. That is why she was here-confused (thus the username) on what to do, afraid and contrite. Monday morning quarterbacking is always better, isn't it?

 

 

i dont think so, but remember this is the second time this happened, so remember she did have the affair a while back and supposedly came clean about that. he was probably still trying to establish trust but she didnt come completely clean now did she?

I did not read anywhere that this was her second affair. Are you sure? Please direct me to the post where it says that. Thanks.

 

 

...I am calm.

Are you really? Phew! I am glad. You appeared hysterical a while ago...cussing and stuff.

 

Hmmm what I want for her to do, is not contact the OM anymore! she contacted the OM to WARN him??? WTF? is her life and family and husband so important than she would take precious time outta her life to contact her affair partner in the aftermath to tell him her situation in hopes that she hears her voice??? To take solace that he still cares about her?! Which he doesnt. all she was, was a notch in the OM's belt. simple as that. he got what he wanted. She got sold a pipe dream and fell for it.

I don't think the husband cares who she contacts and I don't think she called the OM to "warn" him. Did she say that? It is more likely that she believed the OM still cares about her and she felt she did not have anyone to turn to---remember, she believe the OM was always there for her? or perhaps, to make the OM feel guilty--"look, I hope your wife is happy that my husband is divorcing me"!

 

... but dont be so smug and hatefull that her affair is over. Trying to warn the OM??? WTF? excuse me? havent you already caused enough damage???

Who is being smug and hateful? mirror...mirror...on the wall....

[tami-chan]

Ypu dont have to be a christian to know the difference between right and wrong.

 

You missed the point, Chrome. The poster mentioned sins and stuff. Sure sounds like a Christian to me.If he/she is a Christian, what was asked on the post for the OP was very UN-CHRISTIAN-like....get it? Oh god....why?

[bentnotbroken]

It always amazes me how non-Christians can always find the un-Christian like behaviors in those who they believe are Christians but be just fine with the actions of non-Christians who may enter into behaviors that hurt and destroy people who do consider themselves Christians. It is all in the name of love, and we all know that soul mate love is so much more important than doing the right thing.

 

No where in the bible does it say speaking the truth is wrong, even when the truth is liked or popular. Hmmm, interesting.

[lostsunsets]

Bent not broken. You're right. You see it time and again. Non believers who set up straw man Christians only to knock them down. And yet non believers who do the same thing with no remorse at all are to be respected because they followed their heart. What a bunch of horse hockey.

[seibert253]

It always amazes me how non-Christians can always find the un-Christian like behaviors in those who they believe are Christians but be just fine with the actions of non-Christians who may enter into behaviors that hurt and destroy people who do consider themselves Christians. It is all in the name of love, and we all know that soul mate love is so much more important than doing the right thing.

 

No where in the bible does it say speaking the truth is wrong, even when the truth is liked or popular. Hmmm, interesting.

 

By the way, yes I am a Christian. A very proud one. But I believe in telling someone what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. If we are wrong, we're wrong. There is no grey area. If I'm wrong, I'm the first one to admit it. To be honest this happens more than I like, but someone much smarter than I wrote "there are none perfect, no not one". I'm definantly in that catagory.

That being said, there are consequences to our actions. Call it chance, or call it devine intervention, that's life.

As I've said before, I wish ill will upon no one. But as I've said before, and I'll say again, if you do A, then you can expect B. If you cheat on your spouse, expect a divorce. I prefer couples to work through their shortcomings, but each situation is different.

Remember, we're only getting the WS's side of the story.

[pelicanpreacher]

Confusedmom, now is the time to start asserting your feet. Although you can't stop your husband from divorcing you or sway his forgiveness he, likewise, has given up his right to dictate the direction of your life now. Thus, there isn't a need to slip around him calling the OM or getting online at LS to vent your feelings. From this moment on, you have restored privacy unto yourself, esteem and hope unto yourself, and a future unto yourself. You've put yourself on the path you walk so step with vigor without looking back for the ruins of the past can do nothing but hold you back and drag you down. Oddly enough, it is the same advice that I'd give your husband!

[tami-chan]

It always amazes me how non-Christians can always find the un-Christian like behaviors in those who they believe are Christians but be just fine with the actions of non-Christians who may enter into behaviors that hurt and destroy people who do consider themselves Christians. It is all in the name of love, and we all know that soul mate love is so much more important than doing the right thing.

 

No where in the bible does it say speaking the truth is wrong, even when the truth is liked or popular. Hmmm, interesting.

 

It is also amazing to me that Christians can say un-christian things and quote some passage in the Bible in one breath.

 

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that it is ok to kick the person who is already really down. The OP expressed regret many, many times and then this person says "hope it was worth it and mentions sins...."...sure feels like Christian love to me.

 

C'mon even you do not think that was right!

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh -- and I am not "liking this outcome"... I am shaking MY head.

 

Neither am I. Although I am a big advocate of divorce after someone in the marriage has cheated, the outcome I would have hoped for is that one partner did NOT cheat and the family could stay together.

 

This is the destruction that happens when someone cheats. My kids were the only thing that even had me remotely thinking I could stay in my marriage. Not keeping them in an intact home with both their mother and father was not what I had dreamed for them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Confused, I re-read your posts from the beginning and I realized that your husband was never interested in knowing the truth from you. In all your posts you mentioned that "he did most of the talking" or "did not want to talk to me"...He was not interested in what you had to say,perhaps because 1) you were in an affair, and thus he does not trust you 2) or it is just his nature not to hear your side---probably why you had the affair and why you have been in MC a few times in the past. So do not feel guilty about not "taking the chance to come clean"...there was no chance. Your H was not interested. He wanted to find the truth his way.

 

Thats because it was the ONLY way he was going to get the real truth.

 

 

By the way, didn't your husband say that he was "willing to give you a chance" if you will be transparent and asked for your passwords to myspace, etc? He lied, didn't he?

 

No, because she hid stuff from him by deleting the emails. He had to get a PI to find out what she was trying to keep from him. Sure anyone that thinks they covered their tracks is going to say, "here are my passwords, I have nothing to hide"

 

And here you are turning it around on him?? uh...ok. The man is devestated, he needed the truth. Alot of people who were betrayed think they want the truth so they can move on....even if he said he could possibly reconcile if she gave him all the passwords, etc....so what? When I got the information he was looking for, it was too much. We don't know the content of the emails she tried to keep from him. Could be WAY too much for him to think he could ever trust her again.

 

So he changed his mind. Isn't that what we hear from women all the time, that it is there prerogative to change their mind?

 

You call it lying, I call it changing his mind because what he read was too much for him to take.

 

 

The problem of betraying is, one never knows how the betrayed person will react. Learn from this, confused.

 

And what in your mind is the lesson tami? Never trust the person you betrayed?

 

 

But enough of that. You must focus on yourself now. The line is drawn.Your husband is no longer on your side. Do not trust anything he says. See a lawyer. Know your rights.

 

Yes, she has rights. Even as despicable as everything she has done, HE will not get custody if confused wants it. She is the mother, she will win unless she is some sort of drug addict or physical abuser. cheating, unfortunately, plays no part in custody or division of marital assets.

 

She will get her 1/2, and he will get the shaft to add insult to injury.

[Dexter Morgan]

Tami's response to Chrome B when he said "Her husband LIED???"

 

Yes. She said in one of her posts that her husband said that "he was willing to give her chance" if she will give the password to her online accounts. Which she did. But I believe that the husband only said that to gain access, not because he wanted to work on the marriage.

 

yes, he was willing to give her a CHANCE. not willing to completely forgive her no matter what he finds.

 

He gave her a chance. Obviously he felt she wasn't due the better side of any chance from the emails she tried to hide from him.

 

So no, he didn't lie. He gave her a chance. What he found negated that chance.

 

 

Chrome, you need to calm down. You are not making sense to me. Of course he IS the BS and of course it is HIS option to divorce her. Did I say anything different? Did I not say that she should learn from this experience? that the problem with betraying somebody is that one can ever know how the betrayed person will react?

 

No, wondering how the BS will react is NOT the problem with cheating. The problem with cheating is the betrayal itself. The hurt that it causes. Not how the betrayed will react.

 

 

He lied. That is MY opinion.Her lies are established-there is no argument there. There was never ever a chance of their marriage surviving.

 

yes tami, but in your post, you tried to turn this around like HE was some sort of scumbag. thats the problem CB and I have with your post. Even if he did lie to get to the truth, so what? Your tone was that he was some sort of d!ck for wanting to get to that truth.

 

 

He already made up his mind when the affair came to light. He was not going to listen to her revealing the truth because he wanted to find it out himself to bolster his case for divorce.

 

If you read the post, he did listen to her "side"...but as he found out, he didn't get the complete truth from her.

[Reggie]

Sounds like Confused never really came clean and her H had to enlist help to get the truth. Also sounds like the truth was horrible and he decided to cut his losses, despite, initially, thinking there might be a chance to work things out.

The continued deception and the enormity of waht he found in the deleted e-mails was just too much for him.

Saying he was willing to give her a chance, while she was still hiding things from him, does not make him a liar for changing his mind upon discovering the continued lying and the whole story.

[Reggie]

Bottom line is that someone who pulls the type of crap Confused did , destroys any chance of the marriage working. It is just too big a hit for a BS and the BS needs to run from someone capable of this.

[Owl]

Confusedmom...I've got one question for you.

 

Why do you feel that he should forgive you?