Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hopefully he hired a PI, I mean he isn't going to get the truth from you, right? Exactly. the man needs the truth and if this is the only way to get it, then more power to him if he can afford it.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Don't be sorry about being scared, and I wish people would ease up on the harsher words. We have already covered that what you did was wrong, VERY wrong. I would agree that things could lighten up since the bases have been covered. Except one problem.....she is still lying to her husband.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Let's just leave it alone until she comes back (IF she comes back) and does an update. Maybe they are talking and she hasn't had time to post. Or maybe she agreed to no internet for his sake.
stampdaddy Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I would agree that things could lighten up since the bases have been covered. Except one problem.....she is still lying to her husband. Well, we don't know if she is STILL lying.. We havent heard from her, so my feeling is that she DID come clean and KAPLOWEE! Hope all is OK, kid! We are here for you if you need to chat
troubadour Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I seriously doubt that she will ever fully confes to her husband. Actually, I doubt it is even an option for her at this moment. Think about it... having an affair is one thing but bringing OM to her own house to f*** him when the children are sleeping and than convincing her own daughter that she is delusional about that situation...? It is not going to happen... she is simply too selfish do it. She will tell her husband something... just to make him think that she is wants to come clean about her affair... but she will never tell him everything what happend. It is not an option... at least not now. And don't worry too much... she is doing just fine.
Darth Vader Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I seriously doubt that she will ever fully confes to her husband. Actually, I doubt it is even an option for her at this moment. Think about it... having an affair is one thing but bringing OM to her own house to f*** him when the children are sleeping and than convincing her own daughter that she is delusional about that situation...? It is not going to happen... she is simply too selfish do it. She will tell her husband something... just to make him think that she is wants to come clean about her affair... but she will never tell him everything what happend. It is not an option... at least not now. And don't worry too much... she is doing just fine. That last statement got me.......... How in the world do YOU know that she's doing just fine? Makes me wonder!........... Do you know this lady?
troubadour Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Darth Vader... all I know about this lady is based on what she has written on this board. I have to admit that based on it she appears to be very self centered, egotistical person with absolutely no impulse control. But doooooooooon't get me wrong, Darth Vader... when I wrote... And don't worry too much... she is doing just fine... I didn't imply in any way that I wanted anything bad to happen to her to "pay for her sins". I am not this kind of person. All this... "kicking cheater to the curb" philosophy... is below my level. I am not one of this jaded individuals and assuming it on your part was simply foolish. I will say again that I am convinced that she is doing just fine. Her "pussy whipped" husband is paying the price of her infidelity. She is too selfish to do it and she will never fully confes. Even if he decides to divorce her... I seriously doubt it because men are so soft... she will find another "eager to be taken advantage of" fool. She will be absolutely fine with or without him. And finally, Darth Vader, don't you get impression that you have become too self-delighted with yourself and your "LS forum" wisdom? But my sophisticated guess would be that... you don't. As a friendly advice I would recommend to try to limit the time you spend on this board and go out more often... life has so much more to offer... you just have to discover it. This is exactly what I am going to do now... the night is still young in Chicago. Darth Vader, I trust you will have a fabulous evening.
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 That last statement got me.......... How in the world do YOU know that she's doing just fine? Makes me wonder!........... Do you know this lady? Actually, Troubadour may be onto something... although I don't know this lady, she SURE sounds like a narcissist to me, and if she is, she would be pleased at the concern shown on her behalf, plus, she might wish to 'punish' those of us who were calling her on her selfishness....
Darth Vader Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Darth Vader... all I know about this lady is based on what she has written on this board. I have to admit that based on it she appears to be very self centered, egotistical person with absolutely no impulse control. But doooooooooon't get me wrong, Darth Vader... when I wrote... And don't worry too much... she is doing just fine... I didn't imply in any way that I wanted anything bad to happen to her to "pay for her sins". I am not this kind of person. All this... "kicking cheater to the curb" philosophy... is below my level. I am not one of this jaded individuals and assuming it on your part was simply foolish. I will say again that I am convinced that she is doing just fine. Her "pussy whipped" husband is paying the price of her infidelity. She is too selfish to do it and she will never fully confes. Even if he decides to divorce her... I seriously doubt it because men are so soft... she will find another "eager to be taken advantage of" fool. She will be absolutely fine with or without him. And finally, Darth Vader, don't you get impression that you have become too self-delighted with yourself and your "LS forum" wisdom? But my sophisticated guess would be that... you don't. As a friendly advice I would recommend to try to limit the time you spend on this board and go out more often... life has so much more to offer... you just have to discover it. This is exactly what I am going to do now... the night is still young in Chicago. Darth Vader, I trust you will have a fabulous evening. I was implying that perhaps you may have a better idea as to what's going on, I made no reference as to any harm that had come to her, God forbid. You have a fabulous evening as well............
Darth Vader Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Actually, Troubadour may be onto something... although I don't know this lady, she SURE sounds like a narcissist to me, and if she is, she would be pleased at the concern shown on her behalf, plus, she might wish to 'punish' those of us who were calling her on her selfishness.... You both may have a point..........
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 I'm very sorry I haven't been able to post until now. It's a little later in the evening and I've quite a long weekend. I did approach my husband on Friday as I said I would. He was very angry so I started by showing him the text from MM. His reaction was very odd. He was mad that the text was sent and then got a smile on his face; weird. He was sort of smirking and then got mad again. He told me he did hire the p.i. and was amazed that MM had figured this out. I asked him why the p.i. and he said to verify that the a was over and to figure out what happened. I got very nervous at that part. So I tried to tell him about the PA. I started to explain that we had been together and that what had happened, and I got the part about the house and I broke down. I ended up telling him everything about that night. I was shaking but I got through it. He did not interupt me and I was able to get it all out. He asked me where the kids were and I explained I thought they were asleep and then explained what happened next. He just sat there listening and didn't react at all. I know him, not reacting with him is worse then reacting. I was crying and he got up from the table and said, "anything else?" We had talked for an hour or so. Actually, I talked. I told him I didn't want to lose him or my babies. He said nothing for a while and then told me he thought it best if I wasn't in the house for the weekend. He said he appreicated that I leveled with him but that the "crappy P.I." would finish his work because my word was crap and that we would figure it out next. He added that he was disgusted with me and that he would simply let me know came next. He walked me to our room and I packed a bag. I have a few close friends and called one of them who let me come over. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone all weekend and each time I had hard time, crying in between. I called my mom and told her what happened and she was great. Right now, I'm back in the house and was able to get online. I still haven't talked to my husband. He's here but won't look me in the eye or say anything to me. I am tired and beaten down. I hugged the kids all night tonight but I'm still afraid I'm going to lose them. I don't know what is next and I'm still scared. I've never seen my husband like this. It's so sad. The house feels sad. I keep crying and wondering where the tears are coming from. Shaking now again, everytime I write out here I shake. Some of the posters have been terrific but some of them upset me. It's hard to read everything out here. I'll try to come back and post again. Goodnight.
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Whatever happens now, happens with full disclosure and more honesty. See a dr. soon for tests and help with the depression and sleeping. Get to a counselor too.
soserious1 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I'm very sorry I haven't been able to post until now. It's a little later in the evening and I've quite a long weekend. I did approach my husband on Friday as I said I would. He was very angry so I started by showing him the text from MM. His reaction was very odd. He was mad that the text was sent and then got a smile on his face; weird. He was sort of smirking and then got mad again. He told me he did hire the p.i. and was amazed that MM had figured this out. I asked him why the p.i. and he said to verify that the a was over and to figure out what happened. I got very nervous at that part. So I tried to tell him about the PA. I started to explain that we had been together and that what had happened, and I got the part about the house and I broke down. I ended up telling him everything about that night. I was shaking but I got through it. He did not interupt me and I was able to get it all out. He asked me where the kids were and I explained I thought they were asleep and then explained what happened next. He just sat there listening and didn't react at all. I know him, not reacting with him is worse then reacting. I was crying and he got up from the table and said, "anything else?" We had talked for an hour or so. Actually, I talked. I told him I didn't want to lose him or my babies. He said nothing for a while and then told me he thought it best if I wasn't in the house for the weekend. He said he appreicated that I leveled with him but that the "crappy P.I." would finish his work because my word was crap and that we would figure it out next. He added that he was disgusted with me and that he would simply let me know came next. He walked me to our room and I packed a bag. I have a few close friends and called one of them who let me come over. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone all weekend and each time I had hard time, crying in between. I called my mom and told her what happened and she was great. Right now, I'm back in the house and was able to get online. I still haven't talked to my husband. He's here but won't look me in the eye or say anything to me. I am tired and beaten down. I hugged the kids all night tonight but I'm still afraid I'm going to lose them. I don't know what is next and I'm still scared. I've never seen my husband like this. It's so sad. The house feels sad. I keep crying and wondering where the tears are coming from. Shaking now again, everytime I write out here I shake. Some of the posters have been terrific but some of them upset me. It's hard to read everything out here. I'll try to come back and post again. Goodnight. Your husband sounds like a bright fellow.. he didn't believe your act the 1st time out the gate and hired an investigator, then he bounced you out of the house for the weekend. I'm thinking he's now consulting with a sharp lawyer to figure out the most effective way to put you on the curb with the trash where you belong and to ensure that you aren't close enough to those precious children to ever place them in danger from strange men ever again or to gaslight them with lies. The posts here upset you? take a good,long hard look at yourself in the mirror,aside from what you did to your husband, do you understand at all the seriousness of what you exposed your kids to? Add to that the fact that your husband didn't get FULL disclosure from you till your lover texted you about the PI, your husband knows that not only did you expose your kids to your screwing around and at least one of your kids saw this guy, he knows you had to be forced to the wall to tell the truth. If this guy has any sort of care for his kids, he'll get you out of there ASAP. He cannot possibly rely upon you to tell the truth or to even control your most base instincts around his kids.
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It's the best thing you could have done -- to tell him everything, well done. That is the first step, and I believe, the most difficult for you. Aren't you just a little bit relieved that you told him all? Of course, he might not want to be with you, but on the other hand the only way you could hope for a chance for your M was to tell him the truth. Keep it up.
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I still don't get why you keep on saying you don't want to lose your children -- why on earth would you??? Many women who cheat on their H still get to have custody of the children in the even of a D. What makes you believe otherwise? And -- how come your H allows you private Internet time? Doesn't he suspect you will be emailing or IM'ng MM?
soserious1 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I still don't get why you keep on saying you don't want to lose your children -- why on earth would you??? Many women who cheat on their H still get to have custody of the children in the even of a D. What makes you believe otherwise? And -- how come your H allows you private Internet time? Doesn't he suspect you will be emailing or IM'ng MM? Her children are young.. she exposed them to a strange man she was having sex with in the marital home, one of the kids saw this guy, she lied to the kid. She didn't come clean to the husband about what really happened till her lover messaged her that the husband hired a PI. She's shown that she cannot be trusted to make good decisions in the best interests of her children. She's also shown that she'll lie to her husband about important events concerning the children if it means she can save her own arse. He'd be crazy to not go for sole legal/physical custody.
jnj express Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Hey confused, now that your life has been permanently blown up, was it worth it, were you in love, hearing the things you wanted to hear from slimeball were they worth all the tears now and in the future. Be prepared for many years of this horror you have put yourself and family thru. Your H. will be as i said before ALL OVER THE PLACE. He will be angry, quiet, demanding, ignoring, I.E., you ain't seen nothin yet. If he does stay and try to rehab the mge., which is what you seem to want now that you realize that you weren't in love, and slimeball just used you, at least i hope you realize that, you follow his rules, and you try to help him thru the pain and horrible visions he will have. If your mge., means nothing to you, then you don't have to go thru any of this, you can just leave, and yes you will have some type of custody of your kids. I will tell you one thing the guys who are left out there for you, if you are forced into a divorce, you really are not going to like what you will be exposed to. You will realize more than ever, you have just blown your life as you knew it, UP.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I seriously doubt that she will ever fully confes to her husband. Actually, I doubt it is even an option for her at this moment. Think about it... having an affair is one thing but bringing OM to her own house to f*** him when the children are sleeping and than convincing her own daughter that she is delusional about that situation...? Ya, as if cheating alone was bad enough, she did it in their house. If I found that out, I'd want to burn the house to the ground.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I asked him why the p.i. and he said to verify that the a was over and to figure out what happened. I got very nervous at that part. So I tried to tell him about the PA. I started to explain that we had been together and that what had happened, and I got the part about the house and I broke down. I ended up telling him everything about that night. I was shaking but I got through it. He did not interupt me and I was able to get it all out. He asked me where the kids were and I explained I thought they were asleep and then explained what happened next. He just sat there listening and didn't react at all. I know him, not reacting with him is worse then reacting. I was crying and he got up from the table and said, "anything else?" We had talked for an hour or so. Actually, I talked. I told him I didn't want to lose him or my babies. Good, he has leverage now, unless he realizes that in a divorce, unless you are a drug addict, physical abuser, etc, that you will get custody if you want it. Doesn't matter who you boned, how many times, or where. Cheating, unfortunately, doesn't have any bearing on custody. He said nothing for a while and then told me he thought it best if I wasn't in the house for the weekend. good for him. usually a beaten down man ends up leaving the house when the cheater should be the one to do so. He said he appreicated that I leveled with him but that the "crappy P.I." would finish his work because my word was crap and that we would figure it out next. He added that he was disgusted with me and that he would simply let me know came next. Well, since you boffed the man in his house, I'd say the house goes up for sale. I wouldn't want to spend another day in it after finding that out. He walked me to our room and I packed a bag. I have a few close friends and called one of them who let me come over. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone all weekend and each time I had hard time, crying in between. I called my mom and told her what happened and she was great. Right now, I'm back in the house and was able to get online. I still haven't talked to my husband. He's here but won't look me in the eye or say anything to me. Well get used to it for a LONG while. Even if he decides to keep the marriage intact, this is the scar you left him with. It will be a LONG time before any of his anger subsides. You may even have to put up with it for months, maybe a couple years. And nobody could blame him for feeling the way he does. I am tired and beaten down. I hugged the kids all night tonight but I'm still afraid I'm going to lose them. Nah, you won't lose them. If your husband wants a divorce...it doesn't matter what you did. Unfortunately, adultery/infidelity doesn't play a factor in division of marital assets or custody. And since you are the woman, if you want custoday, you WILL get custody. he could try to fight it and draw it out, but it will be a futile attempt. Crappy deal for him...you cheat, and he ends up having to pay you for the privelidge of not seeing his children on a daily basis. So you won't lose your kids. As my attorney said to me, "you won't get custody if your wife wants it.....you have a dick." and this is one of the dirtiest fighting attorneys around. I'm glad your husband knows the truth now. The ball is in his court and he is in a desperation/shock/anger stage right now. Once he snaps out of that, except for the anger, he will be able to think more clearly and decide what he wants to do. You may just luck out and he decides to keep the marriage. But don't kid yourself, he'll still think about what you did to him alot. The marriage will never be the same. If he decides to forgive and keep the marriage, it might become good over time, but it will be different. Nonetheless, you will NEVER be the woman he thought he married and things will never be completely at peace with him deep down. He may just be one of the many fathers that decide to keep the marriage because they think they are doing right by the kids. But either way, you won't lose the kids. You are the mother. They will give you custody if you want it. Crappy situation all around for your husband to be in.
Owl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Don't give up all hope just yet. I'd seriously suggest that you start seeing an IC to help you get through all of this...I'd also suggest discussing anti-depression meds with your doctor. As our doctor told my wife shortly after our d-day..."If you weren't depressed before, you are NOW!" At this point, all you can do is to wait and see what your husband chooses to do. Continue to be the best mom that you can be to your children, and be the best wife you can be to your H, where he allows it. Don't force yourself on him, but make it clear how much you regret what you've done, and that you'd like to rebuild your marriage if it's possible. You're still in for a rough road...but you can at least start to look back and realize that you're trying to do the right things NOW.
SRV Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Was it worth it? Now that the new reality has finally set in, was it worth it?
stampdaddy Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Was it worth it? Now that the new reality has finally set in, was it worth it? Do you REALLY expect an answer to that question?? Geez O' Pete!!!
reservoirdog1 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 A few years ago, when I still hadn't healed from my XW's serial betrayal, I'd never have posted something like this. You did a very destructive and horrible thing. By coming clean with your husband at last, however, you've moved your marriage from "dead" to "on life support". Coming clean was no doubt an incredibly difficult thing to do, and for a number of reasons, I'm glad you did it. The road ahead will also be difficult. Understand this: your husband's recovery will NOT be on a straight line. There will be many ups and downs, and he will have days where he's angry and uncommunicative. Those will be the days when you'll be tempted to give up on the marriage. But if you work through those crappy days, and stick by him, you'll be demonstrating exactly the kind of love and allegiance that you're going to need in order to rebuild things. Expect the recovery to take several years. But it won't all be drudgery and toil. Over time, as you keep working, your husband will become gradually more receptive to your overtures, and as long as you conduct yourself honourably and demonstrate consistently that you're no longer hiding anything from him, he'll begin to trust you again. I don't envy you, but I sincerely wish you the best.
stampdaddy Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 A few years ago, when I still hadn't healed from my XW's serial betrayal, I'd never have posted something like this. You did a very destructive and horrible thing. By coming clean with your husband at last, however, you've moved your marriage from "dead" to "on life support". Coming clean was no doubt an incredibly difficult thing to do, and for a number of reasons, I'm glad you did it. The road ahead will also be difficult. Understand this: your husband's recovery will NOT be on a straight line. There will be many ups and downs, and he will have days where he's angry and uncommunicative. Those will be the days when you'll be tempted to give up on the marriage. But if you work through those crappy days, and stick by him, you'll be demonstrating exactly the kind of love and allegiance that you're going to need in order to rebuild things. Expect the recovery to take several years. But it won't all be drudgery and toil. Over time, as you keep working, your husband will become gradually more receptive to your overtures, and as long as you conduct yourself honourably and demonstrate consistently that you're no longer hiding anything from him, he'll begin to trust you again. I don't envy you, but I sincerely wish you the best. I couldnt agree more with this sentiment. Also, where ever you and OM "did it", get rid of that piece of furniture immediately. If was the sofa, get a new one. The bed, etc... Do this on your own, as it may show that you are thinking of his feelings at least. This will be a long haul, a marathon as OWL calls it.. He knows. It was long for him and his wife didnt even have sex with the OM, anywhere.. This was a brave thing and the RIGHT thing for you to do. And as far as posting here, you are in good hands, even when some of the posters come at you swinging, others will have your back. Even like Reservoirdog (who was in your husbands shoes)
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