Cherished Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 A man that is truly in love with a woman wants to help her with her yard work. However, if he was sick....it may not be really obvious to you. I am a teacher and I sometimes get bugs from the students and it isn't always really obvious except I'm always going to the Kleenex box and I feel like crap, but not everyone on the outside can see that. They can't see headachy nautiousy, either. AND they can't see a sore throat. But if he's not wanting to do yard work and is making excuses to get out of it, he is not in love with you.
Cabernet34 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 he didn't feel good. I think we all would shun yardwork if we feel like crap. But the band is somewhat of a special occasion. He wants to go so he will even go sick. We've all been sick before, but had something we wanted to do so badly that we did it anyway. We've also all been sick before, and used that to get out of chores. so what's the issue again?
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Alektra, this is why men can't understand women. Things pile up, then there's either the straw or the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Men just perceive the single issue v. the underlying issues of non-resolution. Each issue is no big deal in itself.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 he didn't feel good. I think we all would shun yardwork if we feel like crap. But the band is somewhat of a special occasion. He wants to go so he will even go sick. We've all been sick before, but had something we wanted to do so badly that we did it anyway. We've also all been sick before, and used that to get out of chores. so what's the issue again? I guess I haven't been clear. I have no problem with someone who chooses to conserve energy for something fun vs for something work. Or with someone who just needs some alone time. Where I take issue is with a man who is supposed to be venturing off into the world of grown up commitment-land with me, chooses to lie his way out of something in such a childish way. Case in point - a few weeks ago. We had a regularly scheduled date and I was having a rough day. Wanted to stay home and have a glass of wine and watch a movie. Alone. I was upfront about it. I told him exactly what I wanted and why. I didn't pretend to be sick.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Alektra, this is why men can't understand women. Things pile up, then there's either the straw or the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Men just perceive the single issue v. the underlying issues of non-resolution. Each issue is no big deal in itself. Very true indeed TBF. I know this and therefore when I spoke to him today I did let him know that things had been building up and that it had more to do with the tenseness of our dealings lately.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 How do you know this? It was all in the presentation. When you're with someone long enough, you know their habits and tendencies. Also i saw him yesterday. And today. No sickies. It's weird you know? Maybe it comes from being an HR manager for so long too. You tend to become very finely tuned in the ways of made-up illnesses. That's a joke. Seriously though, I just knew he wasn't sick.
IrishCarBomb Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I guess I may be missing something, but wouldn't he be a liar if he said he wasn't going to the concert?
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 A man that is truly in love with a woman wants to help her with her yard work. However, if he was sick....it may not be really obvious to you. I am a teacher and I sometimes get bugs from the students and it isn't always really obvious except I'm always going to the Kleenex box and I feel like crap, but not everyone on the outside can see that. They can't see headachy nautiousy, either. AND they can't see a sore throat. But if he's not wanting to do yard work and is making excuses to get out of it, he is not in love with you. I have to disagree. Not with the "he's not in love with you" part. He may very well not be. But not wanting to do tedious yard work for me isn't necessarily an indicator that he's not in love. A few weeks back he spent 3 days remodeling my back porch.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I guess I may be missing something, but wouldn't he be a liar if he said he wasn't going to the concert? No, that would just make him a better liar.
bayouboi Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have the PMS so I thought I'd throw it out there to you all and get a gauge as to whether or not I'm overreacting. Well this may have something to do with how you feel, but also I'm getting a vibe that this other issue you two have been dealing with has led you to lose respect for him. I only get that vibe because you keep throwing around words like "grown up" "adult" "childish" etc. when referring to how he is versus how he "should be". I don't know if my perception provides any useful perspectives for you, however.
Phateless Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Alektra - my honest thought is that he would rather play the sick card than go through this whole process with you. I'm guessing you would have called him out on rather seeing the band than spending time with you, and from the way this thread is going, it confirms my suspicion. I'm guessing he just didn't want to deal with the hard time/argument you would have given him. If he had said "I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna rest up for the show tonight instead." I'm guessing you would not have let him off the hook so easily. Make sense?
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Well this may have something to do with how you feel, but also I'm getting a vibe that this other issue you two have been dealing with has led you to lose respect for him. I only get that vibe because you keep throwing around words like "grown up" "adult" "childish" etc. when referring to how he is versus how he "should be". I don't know if my perception provides any useful perspectives for you, however. Absolutely. Your vibe is dead-on. It's like the incident yesterday was just so indicative of the bigger red-flag which is his resistance to being a full fledged adult. And it just set me off.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Alektra - my honest thought is that he would rather play the sick card than go through this whole process with you. I'm guessing you would have called him out on rather seeing the band than spending time with you, and from the way this thread is going, it confirms my suspicion. I'm guessing he just didn't want to deal with the hard time/argument you would have given him. If he had said "I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna rest up for the show tonight instead." I'm guessing you would not have let him off the hook so easily. Make sense? Sure. I'll admit it. It would have smarted a little had he told me he would rather do the band thing than the yard work thing. But that's something I can rationalize eventually and even get over. I get over the truth pretty quickly. And I reserve most of my nagging for you lovely loveshackers. Don't you feel special. But when someone isn't truthful with you, it has an entirely different effect on you. Wouldn't you agree?
Phateless Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Sure. I'll admit it. It would have smarted a little had he told me he would rather do the band thing than the yard work thing. But that's something I can rationalize eventually and even get over. I get over the truth pretty quickly. And I reserve most of my nagging for you lovely loveshackers. Don't you feel special. But when someone isn't truthful with you, it has an entirely different effect on you. Wouldn't you agree? I do agree. But if you want him to be truthful and upfront with you, YOU have to be adult about it and make it easy for him to do so. If the result of him being upfront with you is that you give him a hard time and ride him about it, OBVIOUSLY he's going to try to avoid that. I'm guessing you're like my gf (half sag/half scorpio) and you snap back quickly and firmly with a judgment on the situation, and then it turns into a heated debate. If you just say "ok baby, I'll miss you." it would be MUCH easier for the guy to tell you what's up.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I do agree. But if you want him to be truthful and upfront with you, YOU have to be adult about it and make it easy for him to do so. If the result of him being upfront with you is that you give him a hard time and ride him about it, OBVIOUSLY he's going to try to avoid that. I'm guessing you're like my gf (half sag/half scorpio) and you snap back quickly and firmly with a judgment on the situation, and then it turns into a heated debate. If you just say "ok baby, I'll miss you." it would be MUCH easier for the guy to tell you what's up. Well, more like half Leo/half Irish. Ha ha. And yes, you're right about me. It's very hard for folks like us to just be sweet. Especially in the face of BS. So - he just texted. Flight's about to take off. It reads: Sorry for being a douche yesterday. It was unintentional. But you're right. It was a bit Bullsh*ttish.
Phateless Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Well, more like half Leo/half Irish. Ha ha. And yes, you're right about me. It's very hard for folks like us to just be sweet. Especially in the face of BS. So - he just texted. Flight's about to take off. It reads: Sorry for being a douche yesterday. It was unintentional. But you're right. It was a bit Bullsh*ttish. lol well there you go. change happens gradually, not instantly. if you want him to be more upfront, FIRST you need to show him through consistent and continued action that you will respond well to him being straight with you. over time, he will realize that he can. but you can't say "i'm going to be chill from now on so you have to be perfectly straight with me starting tomorrow." it doesn't work that way. you can't control how people react, but you can control how you behave to provoke them.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He's no child to be pampered and pandered to. If Alektra can't be straight with him, without him running away and hiding, what will he be like in a real emergency situation or at a time when she needs to lean on him? Will he be hiding out in the bathroom whimpering?
Phateless Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He's no child to be pampered and pandered to. If Alektra can't be straight with him, without him running away and hiding, what will he be like in a real emergency situation or at a time when she needs to lean on him? Will he be hiding out in the bathroom whimpering? I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being so reactive that it's a pain in the butt to tell her anything she won't like hearing. My gf is like that and it's really pissing me off. It makes it difficult to communicate at all.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being so reactive that it's a pain in the butt to tell her anything she won't like hearing. My gf is like that and it's really pissing me off. It makes it difficult to communicate at all. We don't know if Alektra is like that or not, so it's not fair to compare. If your g/f is over-reactive, then why not just tell her so when you're calm and getting along? "Girlfren', could we talk about something that's bothering me? You know I [insert appropriate word like love, care about, etc.] you and really enjoy being with you. The only problem is that sometimes, I don't understand where you're coming from, for a couple of examples [insert examples of such]. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells which isn't how I want our relationship to be. How can we work together to improve the way we communicate? Is there any way you can be a little less reactive? If you do this, what do you need from me? It would help me feel like communicating more."
loveslife Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I agree. When a woman is explosive it can become very hard for the guy to be upfront with them. It comes to feel like you're walking in a minefield because the guy can end up feeling like anything he says could set her off. Or so I've been told.
Author AlektraClementine Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I try to stay relatively level headed and I am traditionally choosy with my battles. It's not the type of situation where he's in trouble all the time. But to the point, I don't have a bad reaction to just anything. Only when his actions warrant the reaction. In fact, it's coming out more in me lately than ever before in our relationship. I am starting to realize that it's alright for me to have standards that he has to live up to in order for this to work for me. And the same goes for him. But you're right in the sense that my reaction is probably difficult for him to deal with. I say, if you do something stupid, deal with the consequences. Take the heat. Or go find a doormat. That's a little harsh but you see my point.
Phateless Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I try to stay relatively level headed and I am traditionally choosy with my battles. It's not the type of situation where he's in trouble all the time. But to the point, I don't have a bad reaction to just anything. Only when his actions warrant the reaction. In fact, it's coming out more in me lately than ever before in our relationship. I am starting to realize that it's alright for me to have standards that he has to live up to in order for this to work for me. And the same goes for him. But you're right in the sense that my reaction is probably difficult for him to deal with. I say, if you do something stupid, deal with the consequences. Take the heat. Or go find a doormat. That's a little harsh but you see my point. Would it kill you to defer the reaction until you've sorted out the cause? The bolded text basically says "well he deserved it." My entire point is that you're deciding he deserved the reaction before you even know the whole story. Not only that, but that thought process gives YOU absolute decisive power over what is fair and what is not. You see where I'm going with this?
Cherished Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 You have to ask yourself the bottom line.....is this man meeting your needs in a relationship and are you in love with him? If the answer to any of those two questions is "no" then you should move on. It sounds as if you have been in a relationship for a while now and if he's not meeting your basic needs in a relationship, bhen it's time to move on. That said, if he spent a whole weekend remodeling your porch, think twice before you dump.
boxing123 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I can see both sides. Sometimes women always expect men to help them. In reverse, how often can I call my girlfriend and say "Hey,It's Sunday! I know you are going out of town tomorrow! Come on over and help me clean bathrooms", and she jumps in the car and can't wait to help. You just said he spent all last weekend remodeling your porch. I mean does he work for you? Or is he your boyfriend? Have you been married 20 years? Now he has to come over and do yard work? If he offered to help perhaps he later changed his mind, or really was not feeling that good. So while excuses are immature, he is probably sick of working on your house on his days off.
Cherished Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 An honest man with integrity who really cared for his girlfriend would have simply told the truth. "Honey, I know I said I wanted to come over and help you with yard work today, but I changed my mind and really just want to relax until I go to the concert tonight. I love you and I'll see you later, babe. I miss you and we will spend time together, soon, hon." Instead, he told an outright LIE. This would be the end for me. I want a real man in a real relationship.
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