raincow Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Hi, I'll try to keep this concise! I've been working as an au pair for several months now in an English family consisting of a mother, one boy soon 8 and one girl 9 y.o. (I love this family, believe or not, there are reasons why I want to stay with this family for a while) The problem is the girl.. From my limited experience of other kids her age this isn't normal behaviour? I don't know if I have any chance of helping her but I feel I should be able to.. Just don't know how? She is very very bossy, no one has any real authority over her, not her parents, no one. She's spoilt, disrespectful, demeaning, really good at putting me in the bad corner (not just me though) and acts just like a teenager. If she doesn't get her way she starts screaming, crying and throws everything in her way on the floor, a few days ago she started swinging a bike chain around cos she was in a bad mood Her mother is a workaholic and can't stand to spend one whole day together with them, sadly, when they're together she usually just tells us about how she's so tired of them etc. The kids hate hearing that. If they are together she's most likely to ignore them as much as possible. As a result the kids crave lots of attention.. She does spend quality time with them though, but perhaps not enough? The kids get driven around to different people (grandparents, friends of their mother, their dad etc) several days a week, because no one can stand them more than 2 days in a row, sort of, and their mother wants the kids to be 'independent' she says.. This family has never had an au pair before, so they were very excited about it when I came, and the kids expected to get a new, real mummy.. I don't know what to do though? How do I get the girls attention? I would like to teach them how to behave, respect, there's so much they need to learn! (They both spend lots of time trying to kill eachother, lying, using foul language etc) But they're too occupied craving their mother I do my best not to show her any signs of weaknesses, or lack of consistency but it's not easy...if she becomes 'bossy' with me I will interrupt her with a sharp tone and tell her she better go tidy up her room and then I walk away and ignore her (she gets very upset and angry when I do that), if they missbehave badly I force them to separate rooms..and they hate it when I scream at them, but I'm so sick of it And the same goes for their mum.
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Do you know what the definition of Brat is? --- it's other peoples children! :bunny: You are dealing with the punishment very well, but with children its better to use Positive Reinforcement to reward and shape the good behaviour that you WANT. Kids like that -- who crave their mother's attention -- have learned they will be ignored, and that's why the girl acts out so badly -- any attention (even negative) is better than none (than being ignored or shuttled away). When she is doing something good, praise the girl, and smile at her, or touch her on the arm.... she will soon amp up the rewarded behaviour... and as for her bad behaviour, tell her off briefly but ignore it then, and focus on the brother who is not acting out... when she quietens down, reward her immediately with attention. And get some board games to play WITH them so they don't have to kill each other physically and play out their competitiveness in negative ways. Plus, games are fun. The best way to keep them from misbehaving is to keep them busy. Have a schedule and stick to it, with fun times built into it too, but if you have a schedule they will conform their behaviour. Kids like to know the parameters.
Consquential_Angel Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Hello, I agree whole heartedly with Athena. Even though her behaviour is annoying and frustrating, where ever its not going to be a danger to anyone else I personally would let her know how you disapprove of the way she acts but then 'punish her' by giving her as little attention as possible. She is acting out because she craves attention, so while everyone is yelling and trying to get her to calm down etc, even though its not really the attention she wants, all eyes are on her. When she is being good and behaving or just reading or doing something quietly comment how nice it is to see her calm and happy etc. Hopefully soon enough seeing people take notice when she isnt being difficult will sink in and she'll calm down. Good Luck, and hopefully her parents will see it working and follow suit.
Mauschen Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 There is also a booked titled 1, 2, 3 Magic about how to effectively discipline. And it works wonders with my difficult 6 year-old. And I also agree that positive reinforcement works great too. We use a sticker system. If my daughter gets ready nicely in the morning and for bedtime, etc she gets a sticker. When she has accumulated 10 stickers, she gets to pick a small prize from a prize box. This method really motivates her to be well behaved.
Author raincow Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Thank you for your replies.. The girl has transformed into a very cooperating angel. Don't know how, but she has and I love it! She's not angry at all anymore. But now I'm having trouble with the boy instead, he's started getting lots of angry outbursts, starts screaming his lungs out as soon as he doesnt get what he wants. And I don't really don't know how to deal with it, any help welcomed.
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