LivinginaFog Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have been reading posts since I told my H of my A 2 months ago. Late at night, when he can no longer sleep in our bed and I feel like I am going to throw up or kill myself or both, I come to this site and read, read, read. I have a question that I have not seen posted: what do you do when the community where you live and/or the people in the profession in which you work know about the affair? I had an A with a co-worker (though not in my office). Even after the A ended, I had to have contact with him for work purposes. A while ago that ended. But, he now works in the town my H does (he commutes) and I still work with all the same people. We believe that many people know about it. How have people handled this: part of me wants to run away and move (though my H says if he does this it will be alone - sans me and kids), tell people it is none of their *** business or just tell all so nothing is a secret anymore. It will probably cost me my job and my H lots of embarrassment but all I care about is trying to repair and save my M. My kids are too young to know or have there be any peer pressure. Any advice on this is helpful. Thanks.
u91746 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Interesting post...I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. I will say that keeping a lid on things sure does help. In my situation, everyone involved wanted to keep a tight lid on things and we did so successfully. I think having an A in a small town is tough; if you suspect people do know, they likely do. Most people subscribe to a "where there is smoke there is fire" approach to this kind of thing. Moving away is an option, sometimes a necessary one, but as I've found out not the pancea we'd like to believe it is.
beyondsad Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I probably shouldn't comment since I am on the opposite side of you. My H cheated with a MOW in our small town and everybody found out. I know that she acts like it never happened and could care less what she did to my life. Our R has been hard because I see her all the time. My advice to you is to just be humble. I think I would be more apt to forgive her if she showed a ounce of remores on her part but she hasn't and she is till giving me disgs re their time together. The good thing about smalll towns is there wil be someone else to gossip about soon enough. I think my husband has just made every effort to be extremely loving and doting on me in public. Show your H how much you love him with loving gestures and make sure he knows how sorry you are so he can at least try to hold his head and have some dignity.
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Your husband has nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about,although he may feel these things ,regardless. I think you just have to hang in there and take your lumps. It is part of the cost of having had an affair. People will view you differently. As time passes, I expect it wil fade.
lostsunsets Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You don't need to wear a scarlet A and lose your job. The other man has left. You need to not worry about your town knowing. You need to worry about restoring your marriage. Why did you have the affair? Are you in counseling? Was it about getting your ENs met because your husband wasn't meeting them (no excuse)? Or was it just sex. That's what you need to address. If it remains a rumor in your town and you see people whispering. Guess what? You deserve it. Now you understand what shame feels like. What are you doing to heal your husband and marriage?
2sure Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Living in a small town has huge advantages, as you know. It all goes right back to "It takes a village"....a great place to raise a famliy, everyone knows and watches out for your kids. Disadvantage: Everyone knows your business. But, another quote to keep in mind "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" - I am not particularly religious, but as Ive gotten older and wiser ...this speaks volumes as to how I view my own life and those around me. Caught up in the drama of your affair and marriage...feeling under the magnifying glass...you have lost some perspective. Think about it. You know a neighbor who hits his wife, you know a mother who is an alcoholic, you know parents who have kids dropping out of school. You would rather not know these things about your neighbors, but you do. You may have gossiped about them yourself - knowing in the back of your mind...that could be me/my family. Thats what people think. Infidelity CAN be recovered from. My marriage is living proof. I know the embarrassment factor is different for men, its a pride thing I suppose. Recovery is a process you both have to take part in. Some things that would help knowing, if your looking for direction , is... How/Why did the A end ? And how does everyone know about it?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have been reading posts since I told my H of my A 2 months ago. Late at night, when he can no longer sleep in our bed and I feel like I am going to throw up or kill myself or both, I come to this site and read, read, read. I have a question that I have not seen posted: what do you do when the community where you live and/or the people in the profession in which you work know about the affair? I live in a small town. And at first, it was emasculating. But when everyone found out just who she was messing around with, they thought she had lost her mind. Since then he has physically abused her. So living in a small town, she has her own humiliation to deal with. I, on the other hand, am living a much better life. And since its a small town, there were a couple women I found out that were waiting out my divorce. But in your case, you are the cheater. Don't know what that feels like....never will....and don't care. What you get you got coming to you. What I would start thinking about is the public humiliation and embarrassment your husband more than likely is suffering. He'd fair better in that department if he divorced you. But to stay with a cheater involves swallowing alot of pride, and my hat is off to anyone that can do it. So it is your husband's humiliation that you should take into consideration. Your own embarrassment is just too bad. Its the price you pay for screwing another man. So what do you do for your husband? Maybe moving away would be better.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Your husband has nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about,although he may feel these things ,regardless. I think you just have to hang in there and take your lumps. It is part of the cost of having had an affair. People will view you differently. And there is a big advantage to living in a small town. I have turned down 2 women since my divorce because I know their character. One of them had the nerve to get angry with me because i wouldn't date her because I finally told her why when she wouldn't leave me alone. I simply told her..."you cheated on your x-husband". I left it at that and it was enough to piss her off. Well too bad:p
reservoirdog1 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Unfortunately, the only thing that can "heal" the public humiliation thing is time. Put another way, "this too shall pass." Cold comfort, I realize, but there's not a lot more you can do. Expecting your husband and kids to uproot their lives and move somewhere else to save you embarassment would be piling selfishness on top of selfishness. I have no doubt you're humiliated. Obviously the humiliation is the result of your own actions, but there's no need for me to beat you over the head with that. The simple fact is, you must endure the short term, and focus on the long term. Yes, people will talk about you behind your back. But that kind of gossip has a shelf life. It doesn't stay "fresh" forever -- people will only keep talking about it as long as it's new and interesting. It will become boring to them. In the meantime, you need to dedicate yourself to rebuilding your marriage. Act with class. While some withdrawal from the public eye is understandable, don't withdraw completely. Get out with your husband in public sometimes, and let people see you two. Yes, tongues will wag. But at least that way you'll seem like somebody who did something stupid, has seen the error of her ways, and is now standing with her partner. That'll go some distance, at least, to making people thing less negatively of you. Public humiliation like this can be recovered from. My marriage ended over five years ago. It ended when XW sat me down and told me she'd been on-and-off miserable the whole time, and admitted that she'd cheated. Over the next few weeks the truth gradually emerged that it was with several OMs. Despite two months of attempted reconciliation, she wanted the marriage to end. Several people already knew about her cheating, before I did. And about a month after we split, somebody (not me) sent an email to about a hundred people she knew or worked with, saying that she was a liar and had been caught cheating on me with multiple OMs. That was pretty devastating to her, for some time after. But she seems to have more or less recovered from what was a pretty brutal public humiliation. It's not really much of a subject of general discussion anymore, as far as I can tell.
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Agree with the above. My XW seems to have bounced back alright, despite lots of folks knowing. She has cheated on many guys, so her next victim may have access to her history. But, she seems okay with what happened. The time and freshness abating is right on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It will probably cost me my job and my H lots of embarrassment but all I care about is trying to repair and save my M. My kids are too young to know or have there be any peer pressure. Any advice on this is helpful. Thanks. Just ignore it. People will usually just talk behind your back and let it slide over time. But... since I've been in that kind of environment... all the sleezebags will think your an easy whore and will test it out by hitting on you. Just watch out for that.
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