Charles1978 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I don't really know what to do here. There is a girl who has started showing interest in me. I've seen her around from time to time over the past few years. She is pretty much a 10 in my book, and all of my friends agree. But I had never met her. Anyway, the other night, she approached me and we started talking. We exchanged numbers, etc. My friends and I went out last weekend and she met us out with a friend of hers. Long story short, all the signs were there... she was hugging me, taking me by the hand, flirting, etc. So, she is definitely interested, and she told me she is. But during the evening, she took me by the hand and said "lets go talk". We make small talk and then she tells me that she is going through a divorce. That her marriage was filled with emotional abuse... nothing physical. She then tells me that of the three real relationships she has been in, they have all been abusive in one way or another. I'd love to show her what a real relationship is all about. I don't know her future ex husband at all, but several of my friends do. They tell me that he is indeed violent, on steroids, has a small-man complex, and that perhaps I should steer clear of this situation. But this girl seems so sweet, and of course she is extremely attractive. I've always thought that she was really hot... the physical attraction is more than there, believe me. Of course, that probably has me not thinking clearly. So I need independent advice. I cant get it from my friends, because it seems that they all know this guy she is divorcing. Anyway, would any of you enter into a toxic situation like this? Have any of you dealt with an ex of a girl you were dating who turned out to be a complete psycho? Or, have any of you purposely avoided situations like this? I'm at a complete loss as far as what to do here. Thanks.
carhill Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 First, I'd ask myself "why me?" And, then, I'd ask myself again.... And then I'd run like a Cat 5 tornado was up my ass..... You see, these situations will swallow you up like a black hole eats light. Pretty soon all your light is gone and it's into the abyss you go. Or I could be wrong Here's the deal....this woman is gorgeous. Guys salivate to get into her knickers. And she's telling you all her secrets. Classic emotional tampon syndrome. Wish I had better news. Oh, yeah, I recall the husband of my friend threatening to shoot me (this was many years ago). It later turned out that he had big man-pencil dick syndrome.
shockandawed Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 There is nothing more alluring than the chance to be the "White Knight" to a damsel in distress. I can totally feel what you are saying about wanting to show her what a real relationship can be. I have tried to fix women several times and fully realize, I am a sucker for such a situation. I am sure you are thinking that this is a rare opportunity to land the babe. If you show her how great things can be, she will be forever indebted to you. You also fear if you don't strike now, while your chance is here, she will land with another. Trust me, you can't win here. Carhill is so right about this. It will swallow you whole.
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 A lot depends on you. Can you handle yourself in an aggressive situation? Guys with LDS are usually trouble, guys on "roids" with LDS would be a powder keg. So be forewarned. Don't do anything, until the "D" is final, then try your luck with her. Hasta Lasagna
Lindarose84 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I agree with boldjack in that I would wait for the divorce to be finalized before doing anything because who's to say that she won't have second thoughts and go back to this guy (which is the norm for women in an emotionally abusive relationship). The divorce will tell you that she is actually ready to maybe move on (even though I honestly wouldn't date someone right out of a divorce since there is an obvious healing period and you don't want to be the rebound). Secondly, you have to consider the roided up husband. People are crazy these days and I wouldn't put it past this guy that he'd want to beat the living crap out of any dude trying to talk to his wife (yes she is STILL his wife). Some guy killed his wife for changing her relationship status on facebook from married to single so you really don't know what kind of nutjobs you're dealing with particularly when you have drugs involved. Let her know you're interested and want to be there for her as a FRIEND as she's going through all this but out of consideration of her marriage/pending divorce, you think it best you guys keep in platonic and limit any romantic contact until the divorce is final.
gd26 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I dated a separate man last year. It was the first time I had ever done so, and the last time I ever will. I felt a connection with him that I had never felt before with any man, and thought he was perfect for me (and yes, he was one of the most attractive men I have ever encountered). He had also been through a traumatic relationship with his wife as (he claimed) she cheated on him and was verbally abusive. He told me that he was over his ex, but he really wasn't. As a result, I ended up going through much heartache at the end. In future, I will never date anyone unless that person is fully divorced - and even then I will try to see that the person has really moved on, and is not just coming out of a divorce (but is at least 1-2 years out or longer, depending on the person). It's truly not worth all the unnecessary pain and drama that you'll have to go through. Seriously. Don't let your infatuation get in the way of your better judgment. This woman needs to divorce, move on and heal herself first before there is any possibility of you having a healthy relationship with her... which could take a few years. I don't suggest you wait around for that. Just move on with your life... and if both you and her happen to be available a few years later, then you can consider getting together with her at that point. If she's not available then, then it just wasn't meant to be. I know this is not encouraging advice, but I hope you can be spared the same heartache that I have experienced.
loser101 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 to me the red flag is that she always ends up in abusive relationships. it takes two to maintain an abusive relationship, ie she should walk away at the first sign. it sounds like she is damaged dating material
Author Charles1978 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for the replies everyone. I've never been in a situation like this, so it helps to get the perspectives of those who have been there/done that. I'm going to take this at a snail's pace and see what happens. If it moves too fast, I'll make my concerns known. Thanks again.
gd26 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It's much better to make a decision earlier on, when you are still in a rational state. Once you get deeper and deeper into things, then attachments develop - and you are too entangled to get out, and then you start slipping down the path to crash and burn. Sorry to sound so negative, but I'm just being realistic. If you think you will be able to regulate the pace of the relationship later after you are already smitten and attached to this person, then you are only kidding yourself. I tried that as my situation was nearly identical to yours, but it didn't work. Looking back, I seriously wished that I had enough rationality to not get involved as more than acquaintances in the beginning, as I really set myself up to get hurt. If you look at things logically (without the spell of the emotions, hormones etc), you'll see that this relationship really makes no sense. We all like to think that we can have a wonderful relationship, but very few people are really the exception, and the rest of us just end up hurt and confused at the end. Btw, this isn't my view of relationships in general (I am far more positive about those)... this is just my view on dating separated people who are still emotionally entangled with their exes. It doesn't work out good for us. If this girl really did care about you, she'd respect you enough not to want to bring you into her mess. She wouldn't want you to be on the sidelines of her life or embroiled in her drama. Right now she is emotionally starved (due to her marriage) and is looking for someone to fill that void and restore her damaged ego... thus you are her rebound. If she really valued you (and was not simply trying to get her emotional needs met out of you) then she'd want to have a relationship with you when she had healed and was fully ready to offer her heart to you. Think about that.
Author Charles1978 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 It's much better to make a decision earlier on, when you are still in a rational state. Once you get deeper and deeper into things, then attachments develop - and you are too entangled to get out, and then you start slipping down the path to crash and burn. Sorry to sound so negative, but I'm just being realistic. If you think you will be able to regulate the pace of the relationship later after you are already smitten and attached to this person, then you are only kidding yourself. I tried that as my situation was nearly identical to yours, but it didn't work. Looking back, I seriously wished that I had enough rationality to not get involved as more than acquaintances in the beginning, as I really set myself up to get hurt. If you look at things logically (without the spell of the emotions, hormones etc), you'll see that this relationship really makes no sense. We all like to think that we can have a wonderful relationship, but very few people are really the exception, and the rest of us just end up hurt and confused at the end. Btw, this isn't my view of relationships in general (I am far more positive about those)... this is just my view on dating separated people who are still emotionally entangled with their exes. It doesn't work out good for us. If this girl really did care about you, she'd respect you enough not to want to bring you into her mess. She wouldn't want you to be on the sidelines of her life or embroiled in her drama. Right now she is emotionally starved (due to her marriage) and is looking for someone to fill that void and restore her damaged ego... thus you are her rebound. If she really valued you (and was not simply trying to get her emotional needs met out of you) then she'd want to have a relationship with you when she had healed and was fully ready to offer her heart to you. Think about that. I think you make perfect sense. Seriously. I pulled back a bit from this situation a couple days ago because of everything you mentioned. So today I get a text from her asking "Are u mad at me?" Now this is weird because I have never given her any indication that I am mad at her. I think she is just so used to being in messed up relationships that she just assumes that a guy is mad at her when he takes a couple days to himself. All the signs are there that I should avoid this for the time being. I am going to take your advice for sure.
gd26 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Good to hear. I wouldn't ignore her though, as coming from an abusive background she will likely be extremely sensitive to feeling abandoned. It's probably best to talk with her about the issue, and kindly and gently know how you feel about things. She may be disappointed (as you won't be her emotional fallback), but if she is mature enough, she'll understand. You both can remain on good terms and can always consider taking things forward in a relationship once she has taken the time to heal herself, get counseling, etc. I have been a survivor of emotional/physical abuse (as a child), and I know these things have long-term effects. So it's really important for her to get support so she can heal the wounds and be able to have positive and healthy relationships and not fall into the cycle of abuse again.
Author Charles1978 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Sure I'll be there for her as best I can. She really is a sweetheart... I cant imagine why anyone would treat her the way she's been treated. It really bothers me. I wont abandon her at all... just have to find a smart way forward.
carhill Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Be a good man. Be there for her as a friend but do not feed her ego. Lower expectations, like no contact for periods of time, just like real friends do. Meanwhile, keep your eyes open for other potentials. I can guarantee you that you're not the only guy on her radar. It's easier to keep one on the hook than to get another to take the bait. She may have had a rough life but she knows how to use her feminine wiles to her advantage. Don't let the black hole suck you in
Recommended Posts