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Posted

The Story:

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have 4 children together, aged 6, 3, and 5 months. When I was 7 months pregnant, he told me he had feelings for a woman at work when I asked him why he has been so distant lately. It killed me. That was last July. Now we are about to buy a home (our first), and he is talking about having a seperate bed, and transitioning away from the children. I seriously can't take this. Back when he first told me this, I asked him why....he listed a bunch of petty and not so petty issues he had with me. I INSTANTLY stopped doing all the negative things he mentioned, started trying to take us out to do fun things, initiated all kinds of mind blowing sex, and have been consistent with these changes. I truly feel the error of my ways, and am grateful to have changed myself. I will be beginning counseling in a few weeks as well (he won't join me). I don't want to have become this "better person" for the benefit of my next relationship....I desperately want to be with only HIM. My daughters love him so much, and I cannot bear the thought of explaining divorce to them.

He recently asked me to stop "raping" him, so I have, but the lack of physical contact is so hard. I'm trying to do what "they" say I should do and act busy. improve myself further, etc (i've started working out, spending more time with friends). But I am afraid that he will be gone for good as soon as he feels I'm ok (he is feeling very guilty about the whole thing...me finding out while pregnant, us having kids, me having no family but him and the kids, etc). That is why he is getting us this house, to asuage his guilt. We close on the house in just a few weeks, and I just want to puke thinking about it! I'm so afraid that I am running out of time to change his mind.

He CLAIMS that this woman t work is someone he has heavily flirted with, and that she has led him to believe that she'd be into him if only he wasn't married. So supposedly nothing beyond big sexula tension has happened. But that's almost worse...that he'd want to end our marriage for that.

HELP!!!!!

Posted

Sorry, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be with you any more. Look at the evidence:

 

*He has feelings for another woman

*He doesn't want any physical contact with you

*He wants to sleep in a separate bedroom

*He has a whole list of things that he doesn't like about you

 

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't seem to want you? If he wants to leave, he will; no matter what you do or how much you try to change, if he doesn't want you it won't make a blind bit of difference. You can't make someone love you, and you can't change his mind if he's already made his decision.

 

Is he still seeing this other woman, and does he still have feelings for her? Do you think he really is planning to leave you once you and the kids are settled in the new house? I think you really need to sit down and talk about this, find out how he feels and where you stand. But given the evidence I wouldn't get your hopes up that he'll stay.

Posted

If he wants to go then let him go!! He will find out what he has lost!! If you beg, cry, get needy etc if will only strengthen his resolve to leave you. I know this from bitter experience! You have children together, you will see him for the rest of your life! Be strong, you sound like you are getting your life together, its his loss :) but you can't make him see this, he must find that out himself the hard way.

Posted

Interesting. Do you think your husband might be passive-aggressive? Have you ever noticed that he intentionally does the things that you hate the most and he only started doing them after finding out you hated them? Do you think he pushes your buttons often and avoids conflict, yet drives YOU crazy? Do you sometimes feel like he gets a kick out of making you miserable?

Posted

Here's what you do: go see a lawyer. Preferably a ball busting shark of a lawyer who will 'rape' your H and leave nothing but scraps.

 

Have some divorce papers drawn up, and make sure every clause that can be covered (AOA or CC), is covered to the maximum. Make sure the OW is named in the decree (he is absolutely lying about the extent of involvement - time to call his bluff). Then, make sure your lawyer gets you the home, primary custody with him having weekends, and the maximum amount of support for you and your four children, and get the lawyer to tally up the total for the next 18 years.

 

Write that number down. It will be astonishingly large. Put it on a sticky note on the front of the divorce papers.

 

When he gets home from the arms of his 'true love', have him sit down. Hand him the papers. He'll ask what the number is: tell him that it is the cost of choosing to be with another woman. Tell him he has 24 hours to leave the house, and you will be filing in one week. Be serious about it. Do not cave.

 

If you cave, even a tiny bit - you are screwed. This will only work if you are serious.

 

He will crap his pants. He may even pack, get all huffy and leave - but I can tell you this: he will be back when it sinks in what he is giving up.

 

He has one choice and one choice only: dump the OW, and come back to repair the marriage - or, he gets his nuts on the chopping block.

 

Sometimes it takes drastic measures to make a man see exactly what he is doing by screwing around.

Posted

I'm so sorry for your situation, our situations are similar in a way. You are right in what you have written and you know that. He is getting that house for you and the kids, he doesn't want to leave you destitute.

 

He CLAIMS that this woman t work is someone he has heavily flirted with, and that she has led him to believe that she'd be into him if only he wasn't married. So supposedly nothing beyond big sexula tension has happened. But that's almost worse...that he'd want to end our marriage for that.

 

More has happened than that. Your marriage isn't ending because of a might be, could be--his plans have been set, he's just not filling you in on all the details.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, do not "change" yourself for him. Be YOU. He's the one with the character flaw, he is the one that is damaged by giving up on you and the family and hooking up with this OW.

 

I'm so afraid that I am running out of time to change his mind.

 

His mind was made up when he first told you out about the other woman. It's a shame you were strung along and made to feel as though everything was your fault and if only you could do this or do that. I know you love him but he's different now, he's not the same man anymore. Why love someone who doesn't want to be with you and the kids? There is no reason to love him anymore, that man you knew is gone.

Posted

I have to agree with everyone above. The man you knew is gone. He is in love with this OW and is trying to ease his guilt by putting you in a home. Let him go to her. Stop trying to hold on to him because as you can see it is not working. The only thing that might work is what LucreziaBorgia told you to do. At least you will already have a lawyer and will be on your way. He needs to move out so you can start your healing process. As hopesanddreams said they have done more than you know or he wouldn't want to leave you. The OW has set high standards for him and he is following them. I would suggest you do the same and make him treat you with the respect you deserve.

Posted

hi Flower, What is the reason for all the children? Please go into that a little. Thank you.

Posted
What is the reason for all the children? Please go into that a little. Thank you.
Are you asking her why she had so many children?! :confused:
  • Author
Posted

I just feel so sick about all this. I caught him calling her the other night (she didn't answer) and I asked him more about their relationship. He said he's trying to see if she's ready to get serious. I then broke and called her myself (he doesn't know) and left her a message introducing myself. I kindly asked her if she is serious about him, and if not, to please tell him because he is quite serious about her. I told her that he thinks he has to get a divorce to have a true shot with her, etc. I told her that I love him, his kids love him, and that I'll do anything to save my marriage.

I had planned to leave it up to fate from there, but then I called her again the next day. She answered and was eager to talk and had been hoping I'd call again. She said she was horrified by my message - that she is not interested in him, that he must have misinterpreted their flirting and camaraderie as having a real shot with her. She is going to tell him that on no uncertain terms, she is not interested in him like that, even if he was single. He won't see her for 2 more days, so unless he calls her tonight, I still have to wait and see what happens. I so much hope that he will come back to me. I want him to give the new me a chance and fall in love with me again, not just take me because she's gone.

She said she won't tell him that we've spoken, and I hope that is true. I think if he knew he'd hate me, and somehow believe that it's my fault she doesn't want him.

Poster who asked "why all the kids"...I've always wanted several children, and so did he. We had always planned on one more, until this crap.

Posted

MainlineFlower -

 

Whether the OW participated or not, whether she feels the same way as your H or not - he has betrayed you. Sure, marriages have problems - having children so young, having a large family , buying your first house, these are all HUGE as far as change and stress on a marriage. Typically, prime time for problems. Some of the issues have to do with you of course! But look - his reaction to the problems is to bail! HE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE. It is quite possible that he is being so awful to you and your marriage - simply because you are allowing it. If you want to save your marriage , you have to stop that. You cannot convince him - but you can influence him.

 

Getting married, making it legal, all of that - is for good reason. Now listen. When things get hard during a marriage (and they always do) - sometimes the only incentive to stay is the logistics. Those logistics, like houses, lawyers, and finances keep us in the marriage during a rough patch. Without them - many people would bail . With them, we ride out the rough patch and arrive at the other end together to see better days.

 

Your husband is dreaming. Dreaming OW wants a life with him. Dreaming he can buy a home for you and his family bit live as a roommate. Dreaming he can even afford to keep you all in that house , support you all, and have a new life all hios own. Most people cannot afford that. But he isnt thinking realistically, so probably thinks he'll "just figure it out' as he goes.

 

FINE. You have to see a lawyer. This is the first thing you need to do because clearly you must protect your children. If you want your marriage to recover - this is still the first thing you must do.

 

You have to get reality and logistics IN HIS FACE. Maybe that will wake him up from dream world. He has to know that having a roommate is not going to work for you. He has to know that any home will be for you and his children . He has to know dollars, cents, and logistics.

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Posted

i don't know how to get a lawyer, i'm totally broke! right now we have no assets or anything beyond child support i could threaten him with....???

Posted

She said she was horrified by my message - that she is not interested in him, that he must have misinterpreted their flirting and camaraderie as having a real shot with her. She is going to tell him that on no uncertain terms, she is not interested in him like that, even if he was single.

 

Do you think there could be a possibility that she is covering up? Maybe she has a husband that could find out about this? Maybe she's just protecting your husband from you finding out what is really going on? Cheaters are skilled liars. Just a thought.

Posted
hi Flower, What is the reason for all the children? Please go into that a little. Thank you.

 

What the hell does this have to do with anything?

 

Wait, I just took a look at your prior posts. Nevermind.

Posted

Oh Mainline Flower, I feel so sorry for you. Let's say this woman is telling the truth and your husband is just fantasing about her. He's willing to leave his wife and kids over a fantasy that is only in his mind? Something isn't right here and I don't know what it is but WHAT WILL YOUR HUSBAND DO THE NEXT TIME HE'S ATTRACTED TO A WOMAN AND SHE RECIPROCATES? Even if this woman is telling the truth and doesn't want him he still is trying to leave you. You've done everything to make him want to stay and he still wants to leave. Doesn't that tell you something?

Do you really think getting rid of this OW is going to save your marriage?

 

I really think (in my humble opinion) that the best way to save your marriage and make him want you again is distance from each other and no communication for a while.

Posted

If you have 3 children and planned on one more - yet have no assets or house....you would probably qualify for some kind of legal aid.

 

Child Support alone for 3 children will give a father with no assets a good shake towards reality.

Posted

Hi there,

 

I just thought I'd add my two pennies, I was in a similar situation although my now Ex Partner of five years never told me he wanted to leave me.

I found out that my ex had been texting a girl at work far too much for it to just be friendly, I asked him about it and he told me that they had become very close friends but nothing more (this hurt because we had been having a lot of problems with our relationship and I don't even think we could call each other friends).

Long story short I wasn't happy with his answer so I called her, she convinced me nothing was going on that she was in a happy relationship with her own man and that she wouldn't tell my ex anything about our conversation..... LIES LIES and more LIES is all I can say. She called him almost immediately after I spoke to her (hell for all I know he was there when I called) I found out about 4 months later that the worthless pair of them had been sleeping together (I don't know how long for and actually that fact is irrelavent) and I kicked his worthless ass out of our house.

 

We have children and it has been hard on all of us but please believe me when I say that the best thing you can do for you and your children is let him go, I say this because he has made it clear that right now he doesn't want to be there. Don't beg, or become needy as this will only serve to push him away more. He does not deserve you and you and your children deserve better then a man who could drop such a bombshell on you when you were heavily pregnant! why couldn't he wait a few months? is he really that selfish that he didn't consider the stress he may be putting on you and your then unborn child!

 

Maybe you telling him to go do what he wants will serve as a wake up call and maybe he may realise what he's missing out on, maybe he will come crawling back begging for another chance and maybe you'll see him begging and realise that your actually happier without him....

Posted
I just thought I'd add my two pennies,
I think this entire Popes was excellent as a rule. Also, they always call - don't even think she won't call him. That's bull that he took their FLIRTING (did she say flirting?!?!) the wrong way. He announces to his wife that he is interested in another woman to the point where he would dump his wife nd three kids for that woman - a woman with whom he'd never had anything? Come on!
  • Author
Posted

Stillafool - I think you may be right :(

He has said (and acted like) all along that if she was a non issue he could be with me....when he was single, he didn't pick up on cues that women sent when they were interested, and sometimes he misinterpreted things and thought other women were interested when they weren't...it's a problem he has never come to terms with... "all those missed opportunities". i think this woman became attractive to hm at a point in our marriage when he wasn't very happy for whatever reason, and he will feel like a chump if he lets another one get away...one who he believes he could be happy with. unfortunately for him, he's about to find out she doesn't like him (today is the day they'll see each other and OW is *hopefully* going to break the news).

 

i don't want him to rush back to me "just because" she doesn't want him, but i do want hm to give us a chance to fall in love again. i've changed a lot, and i belive we could be happier...who knows though. i feel so nauseous, wating for him to get home from work - i hope she tells hm today.

  • Author
Posted

i totally get what you guys are saying. the ow could totally be lying...she sounded genuinely horrified though...but who knows??? today is the first time they will be seeing each other since i spoke to her. we are going away for the weekend to visit friends and family, so i'm pretty certain i will be able to tell if she told him or not...i'm really nervous about how to handle myself this weekend in front of his friends (who know he is "emotionally" involved with someone else and considering divorce). i feel waaaay to insecure for public appearances.

 

re: him tellng me when i was pregnant - it was awful awful awful. we have our babies at home, and i felt too ambivilent about our relationship to let him participate in her birth. this was especially awful because the last baby, he caught and totally supported me, it was a very bonding, intimate experience. this last one was just lonely.

i don't think he would have told me until after he made a move with her, except i dragged it out of him when his gloomy attitude was really starting to hurt me.

 

i'm looking into legal aid today, as insurance.

Posted

the involvement is deeper than either one of them is admitting to you. the secret they keep is what makes the affair exciting and enticing.

 

YOU do not need to do counseling right now - HE does! he has a lot of hard evidence to face. he needs to find out what caused him to even consider cheating, much less the fact that he has taken action in that direction. he needs to be the one to put the effort into getting well and working on his issues.

 

if you choose to go to individual counseling to deal with the changes coming your way - then that may help as well.

 

do NOT bend over backwards for him. this would just be rewarding bad behavior. he has already justified enough bad behavior in his mind by dumping his inadequacies on you and making this all your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

stand firm on your moral principles (hopefully you have a strong value system).

 

set a boundary that enables you to be happy, healthy and safe (your children as well). stick to the boundary and allow the guideline to include decency and self respect. do not budge. he will be forced to either live with your decency in everyday living or he will quickly show that he wants nothing to do with it. do not work off of his words... only his actions! or lack of actions, if that is applicable. the boundary should include no sex with him right now. it would be too easy for manipulation to set the precedence when the sex is involved. the sex muddies the waters from the emotional aspect that correlates to rational thinking.

 

MAKE him make the effort. HE is the one who messed this up... IF he wants to fix it - he will. if he wants to be with her, he will.

 

be ready for anything. remember your boundary. it will keep you sane.

 

i'm sorry. i will be hard... but you will be proud of yourself if you can sustain your self respect through all of this.

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Posted

reading all of this is enlightening...i wonder though...what if it really was my fault he became unhappy enough to enjoy another woman's company/attentions? isn't it feasable that any man could be "driven" away?:confused:

Posted
reading all of this is enlightening...i wonder though...what if it really was my fault he became unhappy enough to enjoy another woman's company/attentions? isn't it feasable that any man could be "driven" away?:confused:

 

Of course, that's what he wants you to believe so he can turn it all around and make it look like your fault. Cheaters do that. We're manipulative and sneaky and will do anything to not get caught or have to take responsibility for our actions.

Posted
...what if it really was my fault he became unhappy enough to enjoy another woman's company/attentions? isn't it feasable that any man could be "driven" away?:confused:
And THAT is a cue for you to let go of this marriage until he is 100% ready to commit to you and only you.

 

If you acted naturally, then you two are not right for each other. In order for you to make him happy, you would have to pretend that you're someone you're not. If you couldn't make him happy, that means you two were not meant to be together. Men leave more often because they can't make their wives happy than because they themselves aren't happy. Why shouldn't a woman leave because she failed to make her husband happy? You can't be happy unless you're yourself. If you were being yourself and couldn't make him happy, that means there's also something in HIM that can't make the relationship work.

 

It takes two to tango. Don't ever assume guilt on your part only.

Posted

MainlineFlower,

 

It's difficult to believe that your husband would leave you for someone he has a crush on. It's more likely to be an affair but time will reveal all.

 

I feel bad for all the suffering you are going through as I've been though the same. In my case there was another woman and my husband left for her and has not returned (about 3 years ago). Like you I blamed a lot of it on myself and wondered what I should have done to make things better, etc. Meanwhile he was an verbally abusive rageaholic who blamed me for everything. I had a part to play in our problems, but I was not responsible for his temper or his cheating.

 

Anyway, I would urge you to get the counseling you mentioned. Through that you can help find the self-esteem and strength you are going to need to deal with this.

 

If it turns out that your husband is going to stay I would suggest that you go to a MC. As someone else mentioned, this WILL BE a repeated pattern unless you deal with the underlying issues NOW.

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