tiredofbeingOW Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I am not here to be judged, I just want some advice on what to do... Last March I met a MM who was friends with a guy friend of mine, he was complaining to me about his wife, her daughter etc...We talked when we saw each other but that was basically it, I listened to him never gave advice (I am not a councelor). Then in May of 08 it all started the road I am on now. I saw him in a tavern one nite we were carrying on then one thing led to another and we went back to my house together. I thought this was just a one night stand and kept that very much in my head it was just a good time nothing more...Then he came back we did alot of talking and I do mean alot. His wife is a drunk I have seen this first hand many many times and not a nice drunk a mean drunk. This affair had been going on for about 6 mths when she called me, asking me if we were sleeping together I told her she needed to ask him her response was he talks about you all the time so that answers my question. They split up at the end of November and we went full bore towards a relationship it was awesome (his friends all new about us) his dad was escatic he found someone that actually had her head on her shoulders. Then the games began, she would sit at the local bar and try to pick up his friends and he could not handle it by the end of December he told me he was going to give her another chance because she needed help with her drinking and he felt he owed her that again ( she already been to rehab once). One month to the day I start getting text messages from him that he is not happy again. I text him back saying this is what you wanted make your marriage work, end of story, or so I thought. I am a single woman who thought she had her life on track, own my own house, raising a beautiful little girl and working a full time job. About 2 weeks ago he came into a bar I was in and sat beside a friend of mine and just stared at me the whole time he was there telling her that he is not getting along with his wife he still really likes me. Now for the kicker she has a 15 yr old from a previous marriage, he feels sorry for the child because she still has 3 months of school left, he actually asked me to wait till they leave in June he told me he told her she has till june then they must go. He spends the nights with me here. I have no clue what I am doing anymore should I wait or back off since he came to me the first time he called it off with her and see what happens in 3 months? I love him I really do. And he has told me he loves me also. They fight constantly police are called at least weekly help me....
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If you want to see which side of the fence he will land on, you will need to knock him off of it first: tell him that you cannot deal with this, and that you need a period of absolute 'no contact' from him, so that you can get your head and heart together and so that he can get his stuff situated too. Let him know that as long as he is married and living with her, that he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. When he is divorced and living on his own he is more than welcome to contact you but not before then. Period. I think you will find out quickly enough how honest his intentions are either way. People who aren't forced to make a choice, don't choose either way. They just keep both options for as long as possible. You have to take yourself away as an option before he will realize that he has to make a real choice.
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 What do you need help with? To sort out what you want? Or do you already know what you want? Do you want Assurances that this time it will work out with him? That your heart won't be broken again? That you can trust him? That he won't go back to his wife again? I don't even think HE has those answers... this is one of those play-it-by ear dramas and you are caught up in it. How much of this can you take?
Princess07 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Wow! I have never been involved with a married man so I will try hard to give you the best advice I can. I do not doubt that he does not have strong or legitamate feelings for you, but he does still have baggage from his previous relationship making it hard for you and him to continue on with your relationship. I think the best advice is to let him work out his issues with his ex, before you and him continue on with a relationship, because all it does with you getting involved is more drama. Obviously his ex has her own personal issues to work out and he needs to either be in the relationship with her or be in the relationship with you. His ex is a grown woman and she needs to handle her own business. I hope that it all works out for you
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 she has a 15 yr old from a previous marriage, he feels sorry for the child because she still has 3 months of school left, he actually asked me to wait till they leave in June he told me he told her she has till june then they must go. Wait a minute --- what does he mean his wife and her child have to leave??!! Aren't they married? Isn't it HER home too? Wasn't HE the one cheating? Doesn't she need the home for her child -- school and all... why doesn't HE move out instead? Then there will be no waiting period, he can move out now -- right?
Author tiredofbeingOW Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 They actually live on a horse farm, which neither one owns work for rent so to speak. She is never there for her daughter anyway, I see her walking down driveway alone all the time, driving past the tavern on my way home mom is always there does not matter what time of day, morning noon and night....So since he does all the work yes she would be the one to go.
bentnotbroken Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It's clear he doesn't give a damn about her child, his stepchild. If he did he would get her help. He would call child welfare or take the kid away from her. How do you live with a child and watch her be mistreated by a mom who isn't a mom. Some prize man.
sugarmomma Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He sounds like a total codependent drama king!!! Wife's and alcoholic that he can't get away from but doesn't love enough to be faithful. Just know that if you decide to get into a serious relationship with him, he needs a lot of drama to keep himself busy. I would not consider anything serious with someone like this who is so screwed up!! Some guys are meant to just have a good time with and not boyfriend material!! Sounds like a loser!
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 .So since he does all the work yes she would be the one to go. OR if you meant that much to him, HE could be the one to go... right? And he could move right in with you! Or is he just buying himself more time? Seems like a pretty petty reason for him to stay with her instead of you --- that 'she should be the one to leave' when he can, tomorrow, and be with you. Now, why isn't he doing THAT?
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have no advice. I'm just...wow...lives on a work for rent horsefarm....spends way too much time in a tavern/bar but calls his W a drunk.... Well at least it sounds like he plans to take the stepchild with him when she graduates from school and he leaves her mother. Wow.
bentnotbroken Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I thought he was waiting for the wife and stepchild to leave so he could run to the waiting arms of op. He sounds like a wonderful role model for her child.
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I thought he was waiting for the wife and stepchild to leave so he could run to the waiting arms of op. He sounds like a wonderful role model for her child. He is waiting for wife and stepchild to go in June when school is out... but I think NoIDidn't saw the following quote from OP and thought that the 'she' who has to go was Singular, without the child... but its not... They actually live on a horse farm, which neither one owns work for rent so to speak. She is never there for her daughter anyway, I see her walking down driveway alone all the time, driving past the tavern on my way home mom is always there does not matter what time of day, morning noon and night....So since he does all the work yes she would be the one to go.
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I thought he was waiting for the wife and stepchild to leave so he could run to the waiting arms of op. He sounds like a wonderful role model for her child. And yeah right, like he needs to wait on the farm for them to leave first, before running off to OP in HER own house!!! (which has got to be more attractive than a rental barn on a horse-farm?! Well, it might be a trailer, I don't know)
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He is waiting for wife and stepchild to go in June when school is out... but I think NoIDidn't saw the following quote from OP and thought that the 'she' who has to go was Singular, without the child... but its not... Aha! Thanks for the clarification. I thought he claimed that he felt sorry for the child and didn't want to leave the child with its drunk for a mother. Plus the fact that the OP keeps seeing him in a tavern doesn't bode well for his own sobriety. No one ever said that MMs weren't hypocrites.
Author tiredofbeingOW Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Yes he does feel sorry for the daughter hence the reason he left the stepchild move back in with him in December (she came to him and ask if she could). He is not the one sitting in a tavern all day it is the mother....If he even tries to correct the child mom jumps on him and threatens or worse calls the police....
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'd bow out. The guy is a liar and cheater, right? What more do you need to know?
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 ...If he even tries to correct the child mom jumps on him and threatens or worse calls the police.... She calls the police? Well, if he is not hurting her or anything why would she be doing that? Why would the police even respond after a few visits and seeing that OM is innocent? Please think, tiredofbeingOW, something is not quite adding up here: If he wants to leave his marriage for YOU, he can, there is nothing stopping him from filing for divorce NOW.... yes, even if his W and stepchild remain on the farm, he can still file the paperwork to prove to you he wants you. right? And I honestly do not see why he just doesn't move in with you right after he files those divorce papers. What do you think? If you are tired of being the OW, then make demands and make decisions to end this part-time role you have carved out for yourself. You don't HAVE to remain an OW... Is it possible that OM is lying to you? About his reasons for staying in the marriage until June? About everything? Come on, what do you think about this all?
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If he even tries to correct the child mom jumps on him and threatens or worse calls the police.... Did you see this firsthand? Witness this? Or is this just what he's told you? If he is telling you this, then you're falling for his crap on stick, hook line and sinker.. He's had marital issues since you two met, yet he's done NOTHING to change anything.. May 08 and here we are almost a year later (minus 2 months) and he's STILL married. Whatever problems he's told you about obviously are greatly exaggerated so HE can look like the good guy and his wife is the evil one. Keep in mind he's been lying to her, cheating on her, yet he's going to tell you the truth all the time? You the OW, and not his wife, the woman he said vows to infront of family and friends...No, he won't ever miniumize the truth to suit himself, let alone omit truths and white lie to you..
NoIDidn't Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 He is not the one sitting in a tavern all day it is the mother..... But if this were true, I'm assuming this is a small community you guys are living in, wouldn't you have met HER at the tavern too? I'm just saying. If she's the drunk, how come you keep seeing HIM at the tavern?
Author tiredofbeingOW Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Yes I have seen her many times in the past yr, however I drive by there on my way home from work and she is always there like I said by herself. And no he is not with her, like some have assumed..
Author tiredofbeingOW Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 If she's the drunk, how come you keep seeing HIM at the tavern? I see him on occassion at the bar, not everyday like she is....
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