missymissy Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Hi there So I need some advice, my partner and I have been together for a year and half. I love him very much. I truly believe he is the 'one' We havent ever had a fight, we are very compatible on so many levels and this is what I really love about him. Lately in the last couple of months I started to get anxious about our relationship. From a few months in he was talking marriage and then it just stopped. I dealt with my anxiety privately, went and saw a holistic kinesologist and learnt how to just focus on myself and forget about the whole marriage business for the moment. I was feeling completely empowered, and what do you know he started talking about it again Then...he asked me to check his email for something that a client had sent through to him. I went through found the email but then I also found something else. I know I shouldnt have snooped but curiosity got the better of me. I found an email to his mate, and it said in there that because I had been so stressed and tired at work that was turning into negativity and it was making it quote "completely difficult to desire me in any shape or form' and that he didnt know what to do. I was completely shattered and went off my rocker at him. He told me that he was so sorry he was going through a phase and he should of spoken to me about it, but he was working through it on his own and he felt like we had turned a corner and it was no longer an issue. I was really emotional about it and have been for the last 5 days or so. He is constantly reassuring that he loves me, he sees us getting married and that he is so sorry for hurting me. He's sent me flowers, taken me to dinner and said he is going to make a conscious effort to show me how important I am to him. I said he really needs to show me, rather than just all the words. It's really damaged my self esteem and the man that I trusted with all my heart, I just dont trust right now anymore. I understand that me being negative and stressed would have been a turn off, but at the same time I feel unsupported. I've told him how I feel now, that he really needs to show me that he loves me. I'm re-focused on myself and have gone out and just treated myself well. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait for him to show me how much he values me, while treating myself as best I can. I guess the question is, am I being too hard on him, am I doing the right thing? I really do think he is my soul mate, and better that we discuss these things now rather than after a trip down the aisle. Guess I am just scared. Thoughts?
flash582 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 OK ... you went off on him for something he wrote to a mate, in confidence, that you found by snooping through his e-mail. If I were him I would be seriously pissed at you right now. What right do you have to confront him about this? You violate his trust and you're the one that's upset? It would be different if he was cheating on you .... he's not. He was asking a Mate for advice on how to improve the relationship ... and that's how men ask their mates for advice.
era Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He is constantly reassuring that he loves me, he sees us getting married and that he is so sorry for hurting me. He's sent me flowers, taken me to dinner and said he is going to make a conscious effort to show me how important I am to him. I said he really needs to show me, rather than just all the words. Looks to me like he is really showing you. But the only thing that will convince you is an engagement ring...am I right?
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Granted, you should not have snooped through his email. But regardless of how you found out what he wrote to his friend, you still found out, so now that issue needs to be dealt with. He has basically said that you were being grumpy and negative, and that he didn't find you desirable when you were behaving in this way. Which is a reasonable thing to say if you were being grumpy and negative! I mean, it's not like he's cheated or been violent or anything, all he did was privately comment that you were being difficult and he didn't know how to handle it. It's not like he walked away, or even threatened to walk away, he just said he was unsure how to handle things. He's now saying he's worked through his feelings and he's sorry for being unsupportive, and he's making a huge effort to make it up to you, so I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Author missymissy Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Hi, Completely understand that I should not have snooped through his mail. It was so wrong, and completely out of character for me as well. I felt terrible about it and was in two minds whether to say anything all. The engagement ring isnt the most important thing right now. I always felt like we would end up married one day and had worked through that personally. ElliBean, I agree, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt with this one. We just have to move forward now I guess and put it behind us.
BobSacamento Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If my GF ever did that to me I would dump her on the spot.
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I think you're missing the fact that the OP's bf asked her to look in his email for something from a client, and she saw this email. It would take a saint not to click on something that appears to be about them. Luckily for the OP, her bf didn't get all defensive and dump her, because he had nothing to hide.
flash582 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I think you're missing the fact that the OP's bf asked her to look in his email for something from a client, and she saw this email. It would take a saint not to click on something that appears to be about them. Luckily for the OP, her bf didn't get all defensive and dump her, because he had nothing to hide. I think your missing the point because it's "E" mail. If you had asked someone to look for a particular letter in your inbox, and they found an UNOPENED letter in there that they were curious about ... would it be ok to open the envelope and read the letter even though it wasn't addressed to them? Would it be ok for them to take out an opened letter to read it? Why do you assume that he has NO right to privacy even in a relationship? This shows a complete lack of respect for him as an individual. Frankly, if my wife did this to me she certainly wouldn't get the "oh .. I'm so sorry, I was working through my feelings" type response .... So, now he can confide in his mates that she is difficult, stressed out, and doesn't have one bit of respect for him or his privacy either.
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