justcurious66 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 FAIR WARNING- THIS POST IS LONG! But I need to tell the whole story... Hello everyone! I have just joined this site, so I am not sure of the proper protocol, but I am desperately needing some solid advice regarding a current situation I am dealing with. Any and all help will be appreciated! Don't hold anything back please! Also, I am going to try and tell you everything and not leave anything out so that you all can get a true depiction of what is going on and therefore give a more informed opinion. Ok, so first of all I am almost 25 years old, newly divorced (I know, kind of a shame at 25, but with alcoholism, it's a no win). I am not still clinging to my past relationship in any way, I am perfectly fine and ready to move on from here, full speed ahead. I am happy with my life and with myself, things are great for me right now. For the past month or so, I was exploring some different online possibilities, not really dating sites, but just ways to connect with people. I live in a new area and don't have many friends yet or venues to meet people, so I figured online would be okay for now. Anyway, I added a guy as a new friend on Myspace but I didn't send him a message, just added him and hoped he accepted my friend request. About an hour later, I get a message from him telling me that he thinks I am "insanely" attractive and that he was glad that I had sent him a friend request. Ok, now I should interject here that this particular guy is kind of famous. He is not too super famous yet, but he is getting to be. He is not in any way stuck up or full of himself and does not have a big head. I had met him before and he was very nice, so genuine and if I could tell you his name and you were to look him up, you would agree with me. Just a very nice, honest guy. He is 41 years old with 2 young children. He was previously in a relationship for 15 years and has been in the process of going through a nasty divorce for over a year now. I definitely knew who he was when I added him, so needless to say, I was kind of shocked that he sent me a message. I didn't expect it. So from there, we began exhanging short messages over Myspace. This led to us talking on AOL instant messenger one night. The conversation started out tame and was just the usual, get to know a little about you kind of talk. Then, we began sharing pictures and the conversation headed towards more of a sexual nature, very quickly I must say. By the end of the conversation, let's just say, we had seen and talked about A LOT, not all sexual but a good portion of it definitely was. We started having these kinds of chats fairly often after that, maybe 2 or 3 times a week. We would also send each other emails throughout the day and pictures. The emails were not usually so graphic in nature, but were more along the lines of "I've been thinking about you all day" or something like that. They usually contained photos, but actually the photos were almost always very tame and fully clothed, that sort of thing. We were enjoying our conversations so much and I was learning alot of what he does and what he is like and he was learning alot about me as well. We talked about how much fun we were having. We both sensed how great the other person was, but online, it is kind of hard to tell much more than that. So we knew that we definitely wanted to meet. We decided to meet in a neutral city where he was doing a show and when we decided this, that show was still a few weeks away. So we continued exchanging messages, pictures and such and as the day got closer, we were both very excited. He said to me that he had been having such bad days lately (divorce stuff) and he just couldn't believe that he was about to meet me finally. So (this was just a few days ago, by the way), we fly down. He gets to his hotel and sends me a message to tell me to come over. I leave my hotel and go to find him. We meet, immediately things escalate physically. We go into his hotel room, don't emerge from the bedroom for awhile. Not that I had planned it that way, but it was really hard to not do that after all the heavy connection we had had online. So that was great. We order room service dinner and sit and talk quite comfortably and openly. We get ready and go to his show. There are about 800 people in the audience that night and he just blows all our minds, he was amazing! I felt so happy to be sitting in that audience, not because he was famous, but because I knew he was a great guy and people really identify with what he says, they love him! And he had chosen me to hang out with, it was such a great feeling. Then after the show, we go to get one quick drink which leads us on an amusing wild goose chase to find a decent bar in a city neither of us know but it was fun and we laughed and had a good time. We have our drink (neither of us drink very much) then make our way back to my hotel. In the car, he says he would invite me over but since it is our first date and things had already gone beyond the typical point of first dates, maybe we should go back to our separate rooms and think about how awesome the night was while we fall asleep. I loved this statement because that is just not something you typically hear, you know. He was kind of awkward, but in a good way, like he wasn't quite sure how to do this whole dating thing because he had been out of the game for so long. He was very vulnerable, I could sense that, and it was kind of touching and sweet with his awkwardness. We go back to my hotel room and he walks me up. Things get physical again and we chat some more about a recent experience he had that was just really cool and I was glad he shared it with me. By this time it is so late but he leaves to go back to his hotel room. In the morning, he writes me and asks if he can meet me at my hotel and we can visit in the lobby before he has to leave (he had another show that night and had to drive across the state...in Friday afternoon traffic). So he comes over and we sit outside and just talk the whole time, for over an hour. We talk about everything, his family, kids, divorce, work, etc. He asks me if I had a good time and he says "it was really good, wasn't it?" And I agreed, I had had a fabulous time. Then he has to go and he kisses me several times, he can't seem to stop and just grabs my face and looks into my eyes and says that he'll talk to me soon. Then he get in his car and leaves. I was floating on air. Usually there is one thing I can pick out that wasn't so great about a guy. But with this person, there was nothing. He was stunningly perfect. And while we had only been talking for a month and only had spent a few hours together in person, he was really being himself. He is kind of in a raw state right now, because of coming out of a 15 year relationship. That was him, he wasn't trying to be anything but himself, he wasn't trying to play any game, that was just him. I could tell because guys who are just brand new to dating again don't have any tricks or ways of camoflaging their flaws, they just go out there and hope for the best because its so new to them. He wasn't pushing anything, he was just out there and he was very interested in seeing if I was having a good time. That's how he acted the whole time. So I feel like I got a good sense of who he REALLY was as a person. And I was head over heels for him. So I sent him a message saying how great of a time I had had and that I was thinking about him. I mentioned that I felt more than a sexual chemistry between us, there was something else. I said I know it's a weird time in both of our lives but I guess I am just hoping that I was more than a hookup. I didn't want to be just that, but if I was, I understand and you can be totally honest with me, no hard feelings. And I thanked him for a great couple of hours and for coming into my life at this time. He wrote back, before his show that night, that he thought it was great that I was bringing these kinds of things out into the open rather than letting them linger. He said that he would be as direct and as honest as he possibly could because I had that level of respect coming to me. He told me that he met me without any kind of idea of what could or would happen once we met. He said that the rules of first dates were kind of thrown off by the fact that we had connected so heavily online first, but that he had certainly considered our time together as a date. He mentioned that he has been testing the waters lately to see if he is ready after all the mess he has been dealing with. A proof that he is healing was that he actually met with me, because he has been hibernating he said. So can he have someone in his life right now? He said that right now, he thinks that answer remains no, he is just not ready yet. He finds it VERY hard to get close to people and goes long periods without really talking to anyone in the world. He said right now, all of his effort is going towards maintaining a still in progress divorce and working on building a friendly relationship with the mother of his children, raising his children, and furthering his career. He also mentioned that he didn't have a clear picture of how someone so young and just begining her life would fit into his life of divorced fatherhood. Not saying that it wouldn't work, but he just couldn't picture it or think of how that might work right at this point in his life. He went on to say that if he were in a looser, more open ended and less bruised time in his life, he would start dating me in a heart beat, he was sure of it. He said I was awesome, amazing and had a great great energy about me. He said that, bottom line, he thinks I am a person worth being with and that makes him come towards me, but as he comes close he feels a tightness and a warning in his chest and until he figures his life out and deals with this divorce drama, all he knows to do is heed those warnings. He said he didn't want this to be goodbye, that seemed like a shame. He asked what I thought about it. He said that no matter what, he was profoundly glad he met me and hoped we would both held on to how awesome our time was together. He said that given the dead end that exists in him right now for new relationships, it would be a bad idea to meet in a few weeks (we had planned to), even though he desperately wanted to. He said that we should talk from time to time and be friends. I wrote back with some messages (a few too many I am afraid, because I was nervous) that basically said I understand, I will always be a friend to you and I am glad we will still get to talk, I did see something between us and if you ever get to the point in your life where you are ready again, I greatly hope you will call me. I also made a point to say that I do want children in my life soon-ish, I have a lot of experience with children surprisingly since I don't have any of my own, and I always pictured myself with someone who had kids already. And that's kind of where we left it. So now, what do I actually do here? I am sure his responses to me were genuine, but do I stand a chance of actually making something work once he is ready for a relationship? Or is there absolutely no hope whatsoever here, even a year down the road? I do not mind waiting for as long as it takes him- I really think this person is so worth it. But will it even matter if I wait? If he does ever become ready to have someone in his life, will he even consider me or will he move on and find someone brand new? How do I position myself correctly so that he might consider exploring what we felt further? I don't know how divorced men think! Will it matter that we were already physical before? I don't think it will because he did say if he were less bruised he would start dating me regularly in a heart beat. But should I even talk to him? Or just send him a hello message every couple of months? Or just completely forget about him and hope that he contacts me of his own will? What do you all think? He did say that he doesn't have much social life right now and he mentioned that he doesn't have women like, lined up to date him or anything. So maybe that will be easier for me? I don't know. Thanks so much for reading all of this. I apologize for how long it got, but I had to get it all out there so you all could be as unbiased as possible. I will be happy to help anybody else with any other issues, and I appreciate any feedback you all can offer. Thanks so much, I am really struggling to think about all this and determine my best course of action.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Unfortunately, it kind of seems like you were a rebound. Not necessarily out of disrespect on his part - just bad timing. It's possible that at some other time in his life you could have been something. But at this point I would not hold your breath. It reeks of desperation to be sitting around waiting for him - sending him little messages letting him know you're still sitting at home pining away for him. Go live your life - continue to build on who you are. Because, really - somebody that makes you their entire life is not interesting. Let him be the aggressor in contact. Yeah, you may really like him, but if you continue to make yourself so available, he won't get a chance to miss you and realize what he could be missing out on. I don't see any reason to not be friendly when he DOES contact you. But I would just absolutely say do NOT be the initiator. Good luck - time will tell. Nobody here has a crystal ball to say for sure where he'll be in a year. He doesn't even know himself.
pollywag Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Hi in reading over your story, and though he says that all bets were off in terms of first date protocol, he is still a man and guy's DNA is programmed in such a way that they automatically lose interest in a woman if they sleep with them the first time they meet them. Sure you had a lot of connection online but he actually only met you the one time you ended up together. The thing that leads me to think that is that if he is on the rebound which it sounds like he is, he actually lied to you in getting to know you in such a way prior to meeting you so that it seemed like there was a chance for more. If the guy really cannot see committing himself to anyone anytime soon because he has a lot of emotional baggage due to his divorce, then he should not be devoting so much emotional time to a woman online and on a dating site. But don't rely in a guy to be the one looking out for the two of you, guys like that are just out for themselves. I'm sorry he played you but walk away with dignity, tell him " ok, I understand. Good luck, it was fun" and don't look back. For future think twice about giving so much of yourself so soon, women get too attached once we have sex so be sure it is going to be with someone who will welcome that attachment. Chalk it up to experience at least you had a blast!
Author justcurious66 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for all of your advice and thoughts on this. I would say that I don't believe he was lying to me intentionally, but perhaps he just wasn't sure of what could or would happen once we actually met. As he said, he has been hibernating and hasn't really made contact with anyone, so I think he had a hard time figuring out exactly what he was ready for. I do not send him little messages at all through out the day. As I said, I sent him a few two days after this all went down because I was still trying to figure out exactly what had happened here, but I haven't talked to him since. This all just happened on the 20th so it hasn't been that long, but I have not been contacting him whatsoever. As far as he knows, I am over it all by now. Do I have any hope at all? Like if I wait 6 months or so and then send him a birthday message or something? I don't know, but perhaps by having no contact for so long it could almost be like we are re-meeting. Or is that stupid on my part? Also, I will say that when I first met what would be my future husband, we weren't even dating or anything, and on our very first date things got physical right away. We had known each other before and so there was some sexual tension, but we definitely slept together on our first date. Add to that the fact that he blatantly told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and would never get remarried again (he had been married before). I did not go out of my way to change his mind about any of that, I was cool with it. But we did end up in a serious relationship and did end up getting married. And he was very very happy, he told me everyday, and it was I who wanted the divorce not him. So I am not saying that all guys are the same certainly, but I just wanted to lay that out there. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts. Any more additional advice is welcome too...
Author justcurious66 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Also, I think I should add that I am TOTALLY not going to sit around and wait for this dude if something better comes along. I am pretty particular, but if a good man happens to come into my life, I am going for it. However, I guess what I meant when I said that I would wait is that I am not going to forget about him. I felt a spark between us, I feel that I am a fairly good judge of character, and with all the "bad eggs" out there, it is hard to ignore a feeling of chemistry between 2 people. So yes, I want to keep him in the back of my mind, but yet I am not going to turn down any good options that come my way. I am not going to waste my young life waiting for something that may or may not happen, as much as I want it to. As you can tell, I think I feel slightly better about this situation this morning than I did yesterday. For some reason, I just feel good about it, like something really good will come out of this. I just feel that way. I have to at least acknowledge that feeling I think.
manugeorge Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 First of all, quit make so many excuses/rationalization for him. You don't know what he is thinking or feeling so stop with the projecting and just focus on how YOU feel. It was what it was, you met, had a good time, had a connection. It turned out to be bad timing. End of story. No planning, or plotting or positioning yourself just the right way. Just go with the flow and let things breathe. If he comes back one day and the timing is right for both of you, fine. If not, continue living life. There is nothing wrong if you do want to send him a message every few months to say hello...hell, you may not even remember him a few months from now. Just don't dwell or pine. It was an experience, it was fun. Chock it up to that and let it go.
Author justcurious66 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 wow. Okay. Thanks for that honest opinion.
Recommended Posts