CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I'm in a situation, my wife and I are in the middle of a seperation. She has kids from a previous relationship, but I've been there and have done more then their own Dad. I still want to say in contact with them and check on them while we're going through this. They have an even for their sports team on Thursday, should I go? But I know its going to be weird especially since their Mom and I aren't together. Hopefully when her and I come back together we'll be fine. I just need some advice thanks.
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 It all depends on who initiated the sereration. Some spouses LOVE to leave and than use guilt as a way of making sure all the unpleasant situations of them leaving are taking care of. Don't buy that "for the kids" sheet. If "for the kids" was really importantk, he or she would NOT have left. Follow through and expose the hideousness of the situation for what it really is. You leave, kids suffer. Not MY choice, yours.
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 It all depends on who initiated the sereration. Some spouses LOVE to leave and than use guilt as a way of making sure all the unpleasant situations of them leaving are taking care of. Don't buy that "for the kids" sheet. If "for the kids" was really importantk, he or she would NOT have left. Follow through and expose the hideousness of the situation for what it really is. You leave, kids suffer. Not MY choice, yours. She initiated the seperation, so just keep my distance and not go to the event. it's their basketball party for their team
silverfish Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If it was a prior arrangment for you to go, you should go.They should not be made to feel that your seperation has anything to do with them. You should discuss with your ex what contact there is going to be with the children.I understand that you are not their natural father, but there is a possibility that you would want a relationship with them, and them with you at some point in the future. How you deal with these early situations is vital in keeping that door open with them. My ex (kids father) and me go to lots of school events together, and have gone from being opposite ends of the room, to now laughing at the funny looks we get from the other mothers that we are going to these things together. Our kids are MUCH happier that we get on and its taken a while but we got there. You need to show as well as tell them that its not their fault and you still love them - if thats possible.....
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Well I was going to go before this all broke out, I just didn't want things to be weird because I know her family is going to be there and they know whats going on. If I do go it'll only be for about 15 to 20 minutes then im out. Oh by the way we're still married, just seperated right now
silverfish Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Just go and dont get involved with any family stuff. This yr at the christmas concert i ended up sitting with my ex with my mother refusing to sit with us - she ended up on the other side of the hall (she can be a tool) Rise above it, be there for the kids and nothing more.It might not get you anywhere with your ex, but the kids will see you were there. Avoid confrontation, eye contact with your ex and her family for now. Find a hot mother to sit next to.....
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Just go and dont get involved with any family stuff. This yr at the christmas concert i ended up sitting with my ex with my mother refusing to sit with us - she ended up on the other side of the hall (she can be a tool) Rise above it, be there for the kids and nothing more.It might not get you anywhere with your ex, but the kids will see you were there. Avoid confrontation, eye contact with your ex and her family for now. Find a hot mother to sit next to..... We're still married just seperated for the time being. And the eye contact will be hard, because I still have feelings. We'll see i might go for about 15 min and im out
Gunny376 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I would be careful ~ if the separation goes further South and turns into a full blown divorce? You could be setting a precedent for paying support in the form of alimony. In the state of Neveda, if the bio-father is absent and the state reach out and put the touch on him for child support, there's a precedent to reach out and put the burden of child support on the step-parent. This is "case law" and not something I believe was legislated by the state legislature? Other than that I don't see anything wrong with going to their events, but you might want to call them and see how they feel about it. If they want you there, there's really nothing Mommy can say nor do is there now? I would further recommend that you Goggle "Parental Alienation" and "Divorce Dads" and beging the process of educating yourself about such.
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I would be careful ~ if the separation goes further South and turns into a full blown divorce? You could be setting a precedent for paying support in the form of alimony. In the state of Neveda, if the bio-father is absent and the state reach out and put the touch on him for child support, there's a precedent to reach out and put the burden of child support on the step-parent. This is "case law" and not something I believe was legislated by the state legislature? Other than that I don't see anything wrong with going to their events, but you might want to call them and see how they feel about it. If they want you there, there's really nothing Mommy can say nor do is there now? I would further recommend that you Goggle "Parental Alienation" and "Divorce Dads" and beging the process of educating yourself about such. Well she called me last night because they had an awards thing and i was their, and she wondered why I didn't go
Gunny376 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Well she called me last night because they had an awards thing and i was their, and she wondered why I didn't go Then? You have your answer. Regardless of what is going on with you and the W, in their minds you are their Dad! Always have been and always will be ~ that is unless you want to jeopardize that position by not continuing to be an active participant in and of their lives. Even if you and W were to get a divorce in their minds you are their Dad, even though your not their biological Dad.
Gunny376 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If the wife has a problem with it? Then that's what it is! HER PROBLEM ~ NOT YOURS! Seperation/Divorce 101 ~ the X's problems aren't your problems!
Trimmer Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It all depends on who initiated the sereration. Some spouses LOVE to leave and than use guilt as a way of making sure all the unpleasant situations of them leaving are taking care of. Don't buy that "for the kids" sheet. If "for the kids" was really importantk, he or she would NOT have left. Follow through and expose the hideousness of the situation for what it really is. You leave, kids suffer. Not MY choice, yours. She initiated the seperation, so just keep my distance and not go to the event. it's their basketball party for their team I hope you don't choose "not to go" because of the advice quoted above. I am absolutely and diametrically opposed to that advice. You can still be a father, even if your spousal relationship disintegrates, without having to turn your back on the kids. I think the idea that "she did it, not me, so let the kids suffer" is an understandable impulse grown out of anguish and rage, but if you carry it out, it amounts to retroactive (i.e. too late anyway) emotional blackmail. It's a great way to lash out, and extend the sphere of anger and bitterness to those who don't deserve it, if that's what you're after. When we split up, I looked at my wife, and considered the different roles she played in my life: spouse, friend, lover, business partner, parent... And then I decided how I needed to deal with each of these characters. The wife and lover was definitely gone, so I only dealt with her on that level for issues of finishing the divorce. We had a coupe of houses, so we worked together as business partners to get them sold so they would benefit the both of us to the maximum. And as a parent, there's no way I would use the kids as leverage, or either disclaim my rights or abdicate my responsibilities as a parent, so I established a working parental relationship with her, and I don't allow the former spousal dynamic to intrude on that. You have a bit more flexibility, in a sense. Since you aren't the biological father you could choose to step away with a little more moral high ground than a biological father. But do you want to? Decide for yourself. Is it "for the kids," or is it "for you?" Is it both, or do you just not care? Do you want to continue to be in these kids' lives? If so, then go, and be a father. I can tell you from personal experience that it can be done. It can be awkward at times, but in my own life, I wouldn't have done it any other way, and I'll be forever thankful that I didn't turn away from my children, or burden them with any extra weight from our separation and divorce.
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 interesting point, very good point. Thank you for the advice
pelicanpreacher Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Right now you don't know where you stand for you haven't sat down with your wife to discuss all the details involved with the separation. Your first step is to get these questions answered from the horse's mouth so that you're not left pondering all the "what ifs"!
2sure Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Well, questions about the kids. Since they are not yours - sadly, it up to her whether or not you can see them. Including sporting events. If she doesnt mind you going, maybe the two of you can arrange not attending the same ones. Questions like that.
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 she never said that I couldn't see them or anything like that. I have invested so much of my time and energy into them that it would be really cold harded of her, but she wouldn't do that to me
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Well she called me last night because they had an awards thing and i was their, and she wondered why I didn't go ?????? Perfect. There you go. Your wife CHANGES AND ****S up YOUR life and then whats you there, NOT PERMANTLY, just kinda lick a RENT-A- HUSBAND. Be here for graduations, be here for holiday, or the best one-BE HERE FOR THE CHILDREN? Hey, honey, look in the ****ING mirror on be here for the children. You don't have to abandon your kids. But let them know its ALWAYS gonna be the KIDS and YOU at get togethers. If "mom" is present, YOU AIN'T GONNA BE THERE. Grad party, fine. Throw your own. Your wives decision to end this thing INVOLVES unpleasant situations. But, shes counting on you to MAKE THOSE situations less unpleasant. She wants to say bye bye and THEN all the things, the gross things, that come out of HER decision, she expects you to make better. She wants you out? Then YOUR out! Not IN and OUT according to what SHE and SOCIETY says is right. You can have a relationship with your kids. ON YOUR TERMS. Don't EVER let here dictate what course that relationship will take. Divorce is a horrible thing. Lives are effected. ANd only ONE person wants it that way. The rest....they go along for the ride SHE chose. If you can deal with seeing her and putting on a bullsheet face so you can be "stylish" and "civil", then, go ahead, I see no problem with it, but if it ISN'T what you want, work out something with your kids. It may NOT be everything they want, but she took care of that. You CAN have a relationship with your kids while totally cutting her off. It may not be perfect but its the seed SHE planted.
Author CM2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 OK folks well today I'm going to my kids event, how should I go about this? Should I go in like nothing's wrong, should I talk to my wife and act like nothings wrong or should I go in a kind of be low key? Also another thing why does she keep asking me where am I staying, does she care or does she think I'm sleeping around? Help me out
Trimmer Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I wrote a response earlier, but it got eaten by LS when I had to re-login after a delay. I'll try to restate: OK folks well today I'm going to my kids event, how should I go about this? Should I go in like nothing's wrong, should I talk to my wife and act like nothings wrong or should I go in a kind of be low key? Also another thing why does she keep asking me where am I staying, does she care or does she think I'm sleeping around? Help me out You could go as a father, because there is nothing wrong with you or your relationship as their father. As far as interacting with your wife, this is where my "deal with her in her character roles" philosophy comes into play. Interact with her, if you want, parent-to-parent, on issues of the kids, but you are entitled to draw a boundary against spousal issues. If she's interested in where you are staying, or any of that spousal kind of stuff, you could say "I'm here tonight as a father; that's spouse stuff, and we can discuss it at another time," or something like that. Seeing her in those different character roles, and practicing interacting with her differently will help you draw those boundaries, and claim some of the power back, while still being a father to the kids. ...let them know its ALWAYS gonna be the KIDS and YOU at get togethers. If "mom" is present, YOU AIN'T GONNA BE THERE. Grad party, fine. Throw your own. Again, we'll probably go back and forth on this - I feel like we're in a battle for your soul here, but I don't preach this same line. You can have a relationship with your kids. ON YOUR TERMS. Don't EVER let here dictate what course that relationship will take. Ahhh, but if he wants to be there at the kids' event, wouldn't staying away, fuming in the corner to make a point, be doing exactly that: letting the separation dictate the nature of the relationship with the kids? If you can deal with seeing her and putting on a bullsheet face so you can be "stylish" and "civil", then, go ahead, I see no problem with it, but if it ISN'T what you want, work out something with your kids. The essence of this I can go along with. Look, if you just can't handle it, I would understand - they aren't your biological kids, nobody should fault you. On the other hand, I don't agree with the sarcastic line that "civil" should be in quotes, or that it should be equated with "stylish," as if being civil is a silly, passing fad to be disparaged, or that if you chose to go, you would obviously be putting on a "bullsheet face". Do you want to be there, as a father? Then go as a father, interact with people as a father, enjoy the event as a father, and set and enforce boundaries around your role as spouse. Y Which sounds more powerful: that, or the idea of sitting at home, wishing you could be there, but forcing yourself to stay away, mumbling to yourself "boy, I'll show her..."? Which of these people looks more like the one you want to be?
Author CM2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I mean imma go, she's been calling me the last few days was I going and I've said "I don't know." She said "whatever," with a sharpe tone. But im gonna go as a father and that's it. I mean I do want my wife back lets get that straight though, I don't believe in divorce.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I mean imma go, she's been calling me the last few days was I going and I've said "I don't know." She said "whatever," with a sharpe tone. But im gonna go as a father and that's it. I mean I do want my wife back lets get that straight though, I don't believe in divorce. She cannot kick you out f your marriage and expect you to be a father for kids that arent your own!!!! You need to tell her that!!!! That shouldnt be your responsibility anymore. you should nto be used like some damn doormat when she feels like it! either your married or your not. and tell the kids this is what your mom wanted!!! It sucks because I see you love those kids but because of her selfishness they are suffering. WTF?
Author CM2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 She cannot kick you out f your marriage and expect you to be a father for kids that arent your own!!!! You need to tell her that!!!! That shouldnt be your responsibility anymore. you should nto be used like some damn doormat when she feels like it! either your married or your not. and tell the kids this is what your mom wanted!!! It sucks because I see you love those kids but because of her selfishness they are suffering. WTF? I know but heck if she does decide to leave then thats on her, she'll realize that even through some of my faults I was pretty ok. I'm going because we're still together as husband and wife and I don't like missing things like that. I guess she has a plan to support, because right now at this point she won't do to well.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Why ae you giving people the appearance that you are still married, when your not??? I woul say go, but dont sit no where next to her, dont be emotionally there for her, if it aint about the kids, lawful problems or bills you aint got jack to say to her, I believe it's a pattern she gets a man , uses him, has kid, play a wife and mom, then kick him out and do it again. If she valued you as a man and a partner she would not be so willing to destroy your marriage over nothing? See what im saying, there's something else going on, she has issues you dont have to deal with. my advice find a lawyer and keep all communication about the kids, no small talk. get your stuff, divy up the bills and get your money and file for divorce. Let her know your serious.
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