tc1968 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 OK this is the first time I have ever posted on a thread like this and it is a bit embarassing but I really need some insight. OK...I am dealing with a break up with my girlfriend of 3 years. We have been in a LDS relationship between AZ and Los Angelas. For the first 2 years the relationship was great. Over the last it has been horrid. We are both a little older than most posters on here. She is 44 and I am 40. The plan has been for me to move to LA and for us to "start" a life together. The problem over the last year for me at least has been the economy. I have lost my income (going from a 6 figure to next to nothing) and have been really stressed. In the AZ market the home prices have plummeted and I am upside down in my home as well. My ex, in my opinion has not really shared or taken a pro-active interest in the issues that I have been facing and to be honest not very supportive. This all seemed to start about a year and a half ago when she became pregnant. Unfortunatley she lost the baby and after that everything sort of went down the toilette. When we started to officially split I reacted very poorly. I have never done this before in a break up and I believe it had a lot to do with my state of mind. My biz being damaged based on economy, upside down, losing the baby and now facing the possibility of losing my girlfriend (and that includes her two daughters that I love dearly) I started to panic. I begged and cried to her. I was not a text message demon and I did not call her 24/7 but when we did speak I was kind of pathetic and had a sense of desperation. We have reconciled once over the summer but it just went nowhere. We would talk a couple of times a week but she was very standoffish about the relationship and we have not seen each other. Over the last month I have started to wise up and have refocused on work. Getting money back in the door. Lost some weight (my depression started to affect my apearance. Just stopped caring) and have regained my swagger. I also understand where she has been coming from over the last year however I am a bit angry with her for not being supportive and do feel that the added pressure of the relationship not working magnified some other issues. The last time I spoke to her she called (about 2 weeks ago) I acted very polite and non-chalant on the phone with her. For the first time in a year I ended the conversation on my terms. (I just wanted to be the one to end the conversation for one) and that has been it. Since then I have applied the no contact rule and have made no effort to call her. Over the weekend I got a text from her best friend in Vegas asking if I was in town for the NCAA tourney. (I normally go there for that weekend) I played a little imature game and texted back that I was in town and that I had been in LA the week before. (This was a total lie but there is some merit...I told my ex I was coming in to go with some freinds to a concert). I know this info should get back to my ex and even though it is imature I decided to play this game simply to show that I was moving on. Over the last week I have reconected with another ex from like 20 years ago that wants to hook up and a second girl that is interested. I am also interested but the reality is that I still love my ex and want to be with her. I have not decided what to do yet with either of these woman but have decided to just take everything day by day. I am still holding out hope that if I can get my confidense back my girl in LA and I can work things out. However I have not heard hide nor hair of her. The odd thing is that every relationship that I have been in and has ended when I have "applied" the no contact rule, and have shown strength they always make the effort to come back. But....we are older now and I wonder if this changes when you hit middle age and have less tolerance for nonsense. OK that is my vent. Anyone willing to offer any insight into this it would be appreciated.
Rose81 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I'm afraid to give you bad advice seeing how there is a miscarriage involved but maybe the experience made her worry that shouldn't wouldn't be able to give you a child. If you were really excited about having a baby she may have concerns...It sounds like you are doing the right thing by moving on.
Author tc1968 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Rose...thanks for responding. It is funny...I still care about her and would love to work it out but as time goes by I am starting to not really like her very much. As I stated before. I was in LA more than I was in AZ for most of 06 & 07. I made a lot of sacrafices. Like I said before, I did get into a depression based on money and when we broke up I chose to go the needy wimpy crybaby stage vs. the fine see you later avenue. I felt very lost without her. I feel sad becuase I am prepared to move on and never speak to her again. It is shocking to me that after 3 years of work on my part she just acts like I am a pile of garbage. Ironicly enough...the reason I got involved with her is becuase I truly felt that this would never be an issue with her...I felt very safe that as long as I treated her with respect that she would do the same. At this point I have not called her in 2 weeks and thought I might here from her...the good news is that I am done worrying or even expecting a call but I do know it literally seems like the very day that you actually do not think about that person is the very day that they decide to call. How do you prepare for that?
Author tc1968 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 BTW Rose....I do not know if losing the baby was the catalyst or not...maybe but we went along with this for a few months until she started to withdraw from the relationship. Another issue that I did not share is that her 23 year old daughter recently had a baby (14 months ago)...She literally devoted herself to her grandson and it truly seemed that the day that her grandson was born she just checked out. She now has 2 daughters, her grandson and her daughters boyfriend living in her 1300sft home...crazy and sort of white trash if you ask me.
Rose81 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Do you think it was about the money? She has all of these people that she is taking care of....I think that is what you were alluding to when you said that she wasn't supportive...
Author tc1968 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 My money issue has not really effected her personally. It has been all my own issue. For the first 2 years we were together my income stream was great. Now that the real estate market is in flames my income is toast (I am a commercial mortgage banker). We did not incurr any debt together and all my issues are my own. The supportive issue that I was taking aim at was more along the lines that it is tough emotionally to be in the financial turmoil and have her bail on me during this time. It just feels a little like I was a great guy when I could afford to come to LA and spend weeks at a time and we could go to dinner every night... I am not meaning to paint a picture of her as a user becuase I do not believe that is her MO but in a way I do feel a bit used. HOWEVER....she does have a ton of stress with her daughter and the boyfriend. She owns a biz and has hired the daughter to run the biz. My girl (now grandma) has been staying at home and babysitting. The boyfriend contributes nothing. I have asked her if this stress has effected our relationship and she says no. She is more bent at me becuase I have not made the move to CA. In her words she has been waiting for over 2 years. The problem has been that I have felt handcuffed to my house here in AZ becuase now I am upside down. In the end she just not does seem to understand the financial strains I have been under. Ultimately her perception is the relationships reality. With that being said she has not offered any alternatives or solutions to the problem. I have tried to discuss it with her and if she were to ask for a reconcilliation I would INSIST that we went to counseling.
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