pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 You know as I read through the threads here and posted my own story something as occurred to me. How does who is holding the purse strings of the marriage effect the decisions that happen after an affair? Is it easier for the one that controls the gold to call the tune? I know personally it makes my(WS) decisions feel more under my control and I know that is the opposite for my wife. What do you folks think?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I think what you say has some truth. Depending on their potential strategy for exiting the marriage - get your own place, move in with the OM/W, etc. - a WS has some practical decisions to make. If they are the pricipal breadwinner, they have options that their BS does not. And if the BS is a SAHM/D that might be awarded principal custody in a split, they may have additional challenges in supporting themselves after a separation. I'm sure that many a BS has agonized over these issues and factored them into any decision to stay or go. It's too bad the WS can't do the same risk/reward analysis before cheating... Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Yes, I firmly believe that the one who holds the treasury strings, makes the other dance to their tune. That's why I highly, highly encourage women to never rely on their spouses for sole financial support.
jj33 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I think thats definitely true depending on where you live and what would happen in the event of divorce. In some places if the BS is a wife and its a long marriage and there are children, she would get half, if half is substantial, it can make a WS think twice.
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Money = power That said, threats to money (e.g. joint accounts, alimony, child support, etc) also wield power. A corollary would be ability to indebt the marriage. That also wields power. Ultimately, like with nearly everything else, with money/finances, the person who cares the least has the most power
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I think thats definitely true depending on where you live and what would happen in the event of divorce. In some places if the BS is a wife and its a long marriage and there are children, she would get half, if half is substantial, it can make a WS think twice. Not just half, but future potential(college tuition if you dropped out at the husband's request, and you didn't get a job at the husband's request) with the years, the children and the proof....b*i*n*g*o.
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Money = power I don't know if this is a gender or individual difference but I see the formula as follows: Money = freedom and independence I don't want power over another individual. I just want to remain uncontrollable.
65tr6 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 What do you folks think? WH making less money than BW......less chance of marriage survival BH making more money than WW.....greater chance of marriage survival jmo. I think gender makes a difference.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 There haven't been any affairs in my marriage. But in general, my husband makes significantly more money than I do (ever since our move--before then, I made more) and I have noticed the shift of decision making power go DRAMATICALLY in his favor. Before, even though I made more, our decisions were pretty much equal. Now that I make less, EVERY major decision is in his hands. Not sure why, nor whether this dynamic would be different with an affair thrown in, but I figured I'd put in my observation that even without a life changing event like an affair, decisions tend to finalize based on the higher earner's wants.
jj33 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Bingo BNB! cashola! Never enough to make up the heartbreak, but its a start...
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Our MC said betrayed wives are more forgiving than betrayed husbands because their financial options are much more limited. In a way, if a betrayed wife stays with a cheater, she loses, and if she divorces, she also loses. If she stays, the marriage survives, but doesn't necessarily improve. If she goes, she often faces financial hardship not only for herself, but for her children...something she may not be willing to do.
carhill Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Money = freedom and independence = power over our destiny My example does not account for nor delineate power *over* another, rather power in the absolute sense, as a self-determinative factor. When I speak of the person caring the least having the most power, I speak of it in that sense, in that they will always have more control over their destiny and achieving their own goals, simply because the destiny and goals of another do not exist (or exist minimally, in comparison) upon their plane of thought and contemplation. Money, IMO, is just a way of counting
bentnotbroken Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Bingo BNB! cashola! Never enough to make up the heartbreak, but its a start... But with the heartbreak, came finding me. And the benjamins aren't bad either.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Money = freedom and independence = power over our destiny My example does not account for nor delineate power *over* another, rather power in the absolute sense, as a self-determinative factor. When I speak of the person caring the least having the most power, I speak of it in that sense, in that they will always have more control over their destiny and achieving their own goals, simply because the destiny and goals of another do not exist (or exist minimally, in comparison) upon their plane of thought and contemplation. Money, IMO, is just a way of counting I started a thread on power in the rant/confession forum, so as not to threadjack too much. Take a look and add your insights.
Danger Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You know as I read through the threads here and posted my own story something as occurred to me. How does who is holding the purse strings of the marriage effect the decisions that happen after an affair? Is it easier for the one that controls the gold to call the tune? I know personally it makes my(WS) decisions feel more under my control and I know that is the opposite for my wife. What do you folks think? It is for reasons like this that all couples should just keep separate accounts and have a pre-nup. It makes things much easier and keeps the fights at a minimum. People are ALWAYS individuals first and couples second.
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You know as I read through the threads here and posted my own story something as occurred to me. How does who is holding the purse strings of the marriage effect the decisions that happen after an affair? Is it easier for the one that controls the gold to call the tune? I know personally it makes my(WS) decisions feel more under my control and I know that is the opposite for my wife. What do you folks think? For me, the finances were a non-factor, never played a role in any decison I made. I wanted to try to work it out(if I could get past it-not sure if I could). I wanted to do this entirely for the kids, as I had no love left for my XW. She made the decision to be with the OM, and, it worked out alright for me.
u91746 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Yes and no. I know of cases of extreme disparity in financial resources, and talked with women who are pretty open about it: he's been abusive, adulterous, whatever, but if I leave him, I can't stay here, I have no education no job no finances, so I have to stay. So that's a yes. However, in my case, my W was raised to have a professional career explicitly to allow her independence and not rely on any man to support her; I think that is important to - certainly what I would want for my daughter! Interestingly, though, a couple of points: my fling with a gal came about when all four interested parties were employed full-time, and decisions have been made since because of that; she has kicked her H to the curb b/c of his on-going adultery and is going through the D, which is financially devastating to her. She has now accumulated about $400K in debt to finance solely on her salary. But the other point I wanted to raise was that in both her case and my case, we were the financial gatekeepers of our relationship. Both of us managed the household finances more or less to the ignorance of our spouses, who never complained when things were taken care of. I wonder, based on this, whether an inequality of financial management might be indicative of unequal power issues in marriages, which could lead to infidelity?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I wonder, based on this, whether an inequality of financial management might be indicative of unequal power issues in marriages, which could lead to infidelity? Doesn't go hand-in-hand as unequal power doesn't equal infidelity. There are also many different power dynamics in a relationship beyond financial - one spouse may be better looking, more socially adept, more connected to the children, etc... Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I wonder, based on this, whether an inequality of financial management might be indicative of unequal power issues in marriages, which could lead to infidelity? No, I don't see it that way. I see financial equality as a way to ensure that IF infidelity happens, the betrayed spouse has something to fall back on, so they don't get strong-armed into remaining in a marriage or agreeing to anything that isn't to their benefit. A safety net. Not all people who are career-driven will cheat on their spouses. Infidelity doesn't happen in every financially unequal relationship. Each spouse is responsible for their own ability to honour their vows or not, as opposed to justifications about why they cheated.
Recommended Posts