Dazed&Confused042079 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Hi all! This is my first post to this board. I am in desperate need of not necessarily advice but someone to talk to. The current situation envolves me (engaged) and a married woman... Please read before being judgemental. Over the past 6 months I have know this girl, she is in her early 30's and married. It all started going out to get a few drinks with a couple of co-workers and all of us just having fun and a good time. Well we had a few of these nights out and everytime was better than the last... From the very first one we would talk over email and just be ourselves with one another. Recently things in my relationship have not been so good and I have been questioning the whole marriage thing, not because of this other woman, just becasue I do not feel the connection. (Please note, that I have NEVER cheated or thought about it in my life. I have been burnt too many times and did not like the feeling, so I swore to myself I would never do that to someone else). Well in any event, more recently we spent time together in a more secluded setting (not a bar/restaurant type deal)... Well we all had a fun time and towards the end of the night she pulled me aside to talk. I thought nothing of it because she is married but I knew deep down what was about to happen. The only reason I knew is because the past few times hanging out she has made remarks that made me say "Is she serious or not" and of course with her being married I thought nothing of it and this goes without saying I had felt something for her the first time I laid eyes on her. Anyhow, we were alone and she told me she wanted to kiss me. I fought and said she was married it was wrong...And I said Iw as engaged I can not do that...But something came over me and was telling me to do it. She stood right in front of me, put her arms around me and said I can not make the first move... So I said no, and walked away... We talked and I could not fight the urge I was feeling...It was so strong on the inside and I had to kiss her... I had to know if I felt something. So I made the wrong decision and did it... the problem is, she is awesome! We have so much in common, we have a lot of fun together, we think a lot alike, enjoy the same activites but the only draw back is our current relationship standings... So, what do I do? She wants to see me again and I am not fighting it. I know it is wrong and horrible but it feels so right at the same time. If she feels the same I want her to leave her husband, get her self situated and start a new life with me all at her own will, I will never ask her to leave him (I do not know how they are together honestly, he is kind of a dork and conservative, she is very outgoing and not a dork, but I know there is a reason they are married)... I know my thoughts and intentions are just horrible, I guess my real question is not whether to see her again but to talk to her to see where she stands? Please do not bash me for this. The path of life leads you down rocky roads sometimes and everything happens for a reason... I know I had the choices to do right but something was telling me no (not the little guy on my left shoulder with horns either)... Any advice or similar situation please chime in and help! Thanks in advance!
samspade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Dude, you are already cheating. Going on dates with other women when you are engaged and she is married is completely inappropriate, to say nothing of kissing them. Ostensibly you are just hanging out, but clearly you both have the pretense of an emotional affair. If you are already considering it, you are not being faithful and need to reconsider your priorities. Things don't "happen for a reason." You made a choice, like you sort-of said. Now, I'm not bashing you - it's your life. But you are not accepting responsibility for the poor choice you've made. Here is what you should do....break off your engagement, because you are clearly not interested in marrying. Then stop seeing the married woman, because it is wrong and you will get into trouble. Find a woman who's not married and date her. Pretty simple.
thelostsoul89 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 My advice would be if you really want to be with this other woman find out what she wants to do ( if she will leave her husband for you). If she does want to be with you, then definitly break it off with your fiannce, she doesnt deserve to be cheated on. I really dont think you should be feeling guilty, (if you are) some relationships just dont work out. Maybe this woman is your soulmate Well good luck!
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Break off your engagement because you clearly don't want to marry your fiancee, given that you're fooling around and wanting to be with another woman. If you really like this married woman, tell her you will date her if and when she separates from her husband, and not before. If her marriage is over, it's over regardless of the fact that she met you, and you should not be a factor in her divorce. If she doesn't leave her husband, you know that she was just messing around and had no intention of being with you. But either way it's clear that you don't want your fiancee, so even if you're not going to be with this married woman you shouldn't be with your fiancee either.
RecordProducer Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 My advice would be if you really want to be with this other woman find out what she wants to do ( if she will leave her husband for you). If she does want to be with you, then definitly break it off with your fiannce, she doesnt deserve to be cheated on. I really dont think you should be feeling guilty, (if you are) some relationships just dont work out. Maybe this woman is your soulmate Well good luck! I totally agree with this.
samspade Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Break off your engagement because you clearly don't want to marry your fiancee, given that you're fooling around and wanting to be with another woman. If you really like this married woman, tell her you will date her if and when she separates from her husband, and not before. If her marriage is over, it's over regardless of the fact that she met you, and you should not be a factor in her divorce. If she doesn't leave her husband, you know that she was just messing around and had no intention of being with you. But either way it's clear that you don't want your fiancee, so even if you're not going to be with this married woman you shouldn't be with your fiancee either. Bingo. My advice would be if you really want to be with this other woman find out what she wants to do ( if she will leave her husband for you). If she does want to be with you, then definitly break it off with your fiannce, she doesnt deserve to be cheated on. I respectfully disagree. How is he going to find this out - asking her? She has every reason to deny him while she's still with her husband. You're telling him to put himself out there and risk looking like a fool. Asking someone to leave her husband for you is weak - like a dog begging for table scraps. And then you're telling him to break things off if and only if this other woman will break things off? So if that doesn't work, he's supposed to stick with Plan B, which is really Plan A? He's already interested in another woman, I'd say his current relationship is flatlining. I really dont think you should be feeling guilty, (if you are) some relationships just dont work out. Maybe this woman is your soulmate Well good luck! He should feel a little guilty since he is cheating emotionally on his fiancee. Saying "some relationships don't work out" and "maybe she's you're soulmate" is shifting responsibility to some b.s. cosmic factor. He's making choices that may sabotage his and someone else's relationship. Use your head, man. Don't make emotional decisions, think things through three or four steps down the line.
thelostsoul89 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 No, I never said break things off if and only if this married woman wants to be with him. I said that he SHOULD break things off with his fiance REGUARDLESS. She doesnt deserve to be cheated on, or be with a man she thinks loves her and clearly doesnt. And why wouldnt he talk to the new woman that he has feelings for?? Life is not a guessing game, you cant just wait for the other person to say something... Ever think about maybe these two people are in the same situation in their relationships and are not happy?
manugeorge Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I like how you conveniently left your current relationship out of this whole equation, instead your main concern is how you should approach this woman. Fine, you want what you want but your very FIRST course of action is to break up with your fiance. Sort that out first before pursuing a course of action regarding you and this married woman. You don't have to tell your fiance you cheated, spare her the pain, tell her you no longer want to get married or be with her for that matter. Once that is settled, then you can proceed with asking the married how how she feels about you and what you are going to do about it. Good luck to you.
samspade Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I said that he SHOULD break things off with his fiance REGUARDLESS. No you didn't. Ever think about maybe these two people are in the same situation in their relationships and are not happy? Yes, I do think that. The fact remains that they are both still IN relationships. They should each take the step of becoming single before they start discussing openly their feelings for one another. Otherwise, he is just branch-swinging, i.e. finding out if the new person shares his desire before letting go of the old one. That's immature and chickensh*t. If he is unhappy in his relationship, he should be prepared to be single above all else. If the other woman also ends her relationship, then he can consider asking her out, discussing his feelings, however he wants to approach it. My advice: Find a single woman.
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