Biggie25x Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I have been married to my STBXW for 7 years and lived together for 4 before that. Last week we argued and she decided to end the marriage. There were mistakes on both sides and hopefully it makes me a better person. It has been rocky for a while so I couldn't say I didn't see it coming. We both knew where we stood, we just couldn't find our way around the issues. I know what messed me up and added a lot of resentment in me is that she never would move closer to my family. We lived 2200 miles away and it was very expensive to fly home. I ended up only seeing my family for a week every 2 to 3 years. So we had issues and I think we will be happier this way. The problem I have is that while my mind says this, my heart still hurts thinking of my life without her. I did love her and I know she loved me. We are never going to be together again. I still see myself dying with her....In my heart. My brain says that it was bad, we argued a lot and ....it just didn't work. Will my heart ever catch up with my head? I think I'm over everything, not missing her and than, Bam! It hits me, I'm never going to be with her again. My head tells me its okay, but my heart doesn't care. Will I find anyone else, will I be able to date again, how do you start over after 12 years?
Shehe Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It seems to me that your family is very important to you. You are in a very difficult situation per say having your family so far away. Believe me you are not the only one. However you need to balance out what is most important to you. It seems though that you wife is out of the equation here.
Gowithflow Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 never say never. The feelings that you are having are temporary and will fade in time. You may be able to spend time in the future w/o the arguing after you realize how lame the arguments actually were. I always remember fighting a lot with women, but I really never remember the subject matter of the fights. Just that we fought. I am friends with all of my ex's. Not like I talk to them or see them everyday or anything. Just more like there is no bitterness after the dust settles.
Kic Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 The problem I have is that while my mind says this, my heart still hurts thinking of my life without her. Will my heart ever catch up with my head? It's been 12 years, so it's natural to be fearful of this next chapter of your life. "Time heals all wounds" - this will be no different. Now, focus on improving yourself to prepare for that next date. You're going to be rusty, and it may be many months until you're ready to date again. But date again you will!
Author Biggie25x Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Thanks for your posts guys. I know all this but feeling it is different. I just wish I could have done things differently to keep from ending up here. Of course, that implies she did a few things differently as well. I just am very thankful we have no kids. Everyday seems to be different with different emotions and different feelings. I hope time makes this settle out a little. I guess the biggest thing other than not being with her anymore are all the regrets I have for things I could have done better. I am sad we couldn't work it out. I took my vows for life and am of the opinion where there's a will there's a way. If we wanted to put in the hard work I believe we could have "fixed" things. I am willing, she is not. It's still tough. My family is very important to me but I was willing to settle with just moving closer to a major airport so I could afford to fly home more often than every 2 to 3 years. I would never have chosen my family over my wife. I just wanted to see them every now and than. I don't know I seem to be pretty hollow right now and my emotions seem to be out of control. I just hope we are doing the right thing. Not that I have much choice. Maybe one day I will be the man I was.
Author Biggie25x Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 It always hits me hard at night. My walls are down and I start thinking of the good times we had. I mean it wasn't all bad right? Why is it that right now I think I can win her back but I know I can't? What's happening to me? I hope I can come to grips with this. I can't wait until I move out of the house. It will be easier to let her go I think. Thanks for listening (in this case I guess reading:) and all the advice.
LakesideDream Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 It always hits me hard at night. My walls are down and I start thinking of the good times we had. I mean it wasn't all bad right? Why is it that right now I think I can win her back but I know I can't? What's happening to me? I hope I can come to grips with this. I can't wait until I move out of the house. It will be easier to let her go I think. Thanks for listening (in this case I guess reading:) and all the advice. Biggie, I've been through it. In my experiance what you are feeling is a big hole in your life. Nature abores a vacuum and naturally you want to fill that hole the best you can, as soon as you can. That's not always the best way to do things. You haven't given much information about your marriage and what went wrong. Maybe writing that all down here, and getting some opinions will help you. Believe me, somebody here, and likely many somebodies have had very similar experinces to yours, and can help. Luck to you,
Author Biggie25x Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Lake, The biggest issue to me was the fact that she seemed to want all the freedoms of a single woman but she was married. I would clean the house 1 to 2 times a week, work a full time job, do the dishes, cook. We had no kids so it's not like she was busy with that. I just struggled to get her to be an active participant in the relationship. You know to stop viewing it as ME and YOU and start viewing it as US. A huge issue was I moved here to go to college. Met my wife and got married. Never left. Before we got married I made it clear I would like to move closer to my family. Not out there as that would take her away from hers, just maybe closer to a larger airport so I can fly home for less that a grand and she can drive to her home in less than a day. Now, I am lucky to see them every two to three years. This has been tough. My Mom, Grandmom or someone else would get her something nice for her birthday or Christmas and I'd have to pester her for weeks to call them back to say thank you. Same thing when they left messages seeing how she is on her phone. I would get calls from them asking if my wife was ignoring them or if she was mad at something they did. She hasn't even been home with me for 4 1/2 years and I had to argue with her to get her to go. I guess this all bred resentment in me and I stopped doing things with her and her family. I was short tempered and critical. It seemed all our personal time together was spent doing things she wanted to do with people she wanted to do them with. Holidays were either spent with her family or I sat at home by myself. Again, these are my issues with the relationship. All I can get out of her are that she's tired of working on it (how, we have only been to one MC session 8 months ago) and sees no future together. I say we can work on it if we both are able to compromise and put the hard work into it so we can both be happy. It's always been her way or no way the entire relationship. Especially, if I suggested it. It seems she would argue with it just to argue. Saying all this, she's a good person and we do have 12 years together. I know we could work our issues out if we just compromised and worked together rather than working apart. If I could of gotten her to give a quarter of the consideration she gives to other people to me we wouldn't be in this situation. I know this and feel it but she doesn't. It's like I was on the outside looking in the last few years we were together. And yet according to her it's all my fault. PS. let me know if this is the info. you are looking for. I'll be the first to admit I don't deal well with stuff like this.
SRV Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 She seems to be passive aggressive from your last post. Did she give you a lot of the silent treatment at the times that you disgareed? I would say be glad that you do or did not have kids together. From the look of it, she is gone and might not be coming back as hard a pill as that is to swallow. Working on the issues would require her to wilfully want to do it either in MC and or IC. Hope things work out for you, it is the end of the marriage not the end of your life. Good luck!
Author Biggie25x Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 That's how I feel about it as well. But than I get to thinking about repairing it and working on it and I feel if I can just express that desire to work it out than we can start working it out. Of course, once I do it just becomes a "No, I'm sure this is what I want". I don't know. I seem pretty confused right now. Sorry, guys. All I know is if we are going to get through it we need to do it together. I don't know how to convince her of that though. I know I don't want to embarrass myself anymore. No more tears, no more asking if this is what she wants. There comes a point I think where you have to realize they have to express a desire to stay together as well. No matter how much you want to work it out. That's a pretty tough place to be. I know I don't want to hold on to false hope.
Chessy02 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Biggie25X, my suggestion is that you leave her to get on with her space. No begging - that will just de-man you. If it works after begging you become the underdog rather than an equal. I have gone NC on my part after getting 3 close friends to talk to my wife - she got head strong, and I felt that was it. Got a call from her bridesmaid who disguised her voice asking after her - not sure why she called the home phone though as she already knew she has moved out. Probably the NC is getting to her. Only time will tell. I have started chasing other women - who cares. She wants out, it hurts, but I will do what single men normally do! Good luck.
Author Biggie25x Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I know that's what I need to do. I just have that feeling that everything will be okay, like I don't really believe it. I know it just don't believe it. Maybe it will get better when I move out of the house in two weeks?
SRV Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You must be hurting, and understandably so. You need to act confident and not needy or clingy. By calling her three times, shows her the latter and will push her further away. You need to show her that you can take care of the children and yourself at this moment in time, and if things go south, she needs to see that you will be fine without her. By you insisting, calling numerous times, when you push too hard, the whole situation is slipping further away by the gaffs that you are making subconsciously. You have become predictable, and she can see it from your last reaction and in her mind it only reaffirms why she left. You might come off to her as only caring for what "you" want as opposed for a change, as to what "she" is trying to communicate or wants. This is going to be hard no doubt, but at this very point in time, some introspection on your part will come in handy. Long lasting changes cannot be instituted in a day, let this be the starting point in your journey on where you went wrong and what you need to change.
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