sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I want to ask the gentlemen out there...especially the corporate businessmen (if your out there) your opinion on this. I discovered that my 44 year old husband just contacted a young girl (26) who used to work for him 2 years ago. It was an email I found, which he initiated, asking if she wanted to "catch-up" and "lunch?". Now I know he has many business lunches with both men and women. I understand that. Now he hasn't told me about this lunch - he told me about 2 other lunch meetings this week but not this one. (I make his lunch on days he doesn't have lunch meetings). He is a man of unbelievable moral character (really) so I find it difficult to believe that he is thinking of cheating but what the hell would he be doing with this young girl????? We actually have been having difficult times lately, been married 18 years, 4 busy kids, he has been unhappy for the last 5 (so he says). Says he is unsure how he feels about me. (But his actions often say differently). Is there any chance this could be platonic or just business. I have yet to aproach him about it because I found out by snooping. let me know what you think.
Owl Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 It's highly unlikely that this is a "business" meeting if he's wanting to meet and "catch up". It's personal. And inappropriate for a married man. Confront him.
NewSunrise Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 It doesn't take a "gentleman" to know that your H is lying. "Gentlemen" doesn't fit your H's profile. What's your gut instincts telling you? Go with it. Even if you approach him, he'll lie and tell you it's business. What do you expect him to tell you? That he's been boinking her during the last 5? Wake up!!!!
angie2443 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Even if you approach him, he'll lie and tell you it's business. What do you expect him to tell you? That he's been boinking her during the last 5? Wake up!!!! I agree that he'll lie. However, I would confront him anyway to observe his reactions. Watch his facial expressions, listen to the tone of his voice and then listen to you gut.
seibert253 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Nothing good can come of this. Call him on it. If he's unhappy, you deserve to know why. You can't fix something if you don't know what's broke.
stuckinoz Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I agree 100%. Nothing good can come from this. AND...WTF is it with older men & SOOOO much younger women - I do not get that!! I don't think it's wrong to snoop if you have a reason to suspect. Add this to the mix.....What about older men texting younger girls? Claiming it's innocent & they are "just friends"... (side note: I do not know these "girls" that he texts, or that he receives text messages from) BTW: I'd check his phone too. Watch for your husband to pull the "We're just friends catching up" line on ya. I'm curious to see how this one goes...Keep up updated.
Author sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 He has never ever ever been a snake or anything even close. And I am not niave. Nothing on his cell phone, he doesn't go anywhere except where he is sopposed to. doesn't spend any weird money anywhere. i honestly think he is going through a mid-life crisis and this is the start of something. having a young girls attention, blah blah blah. again, i'm not stupid but he would have to make a complete 180 degree change in who he is (i've known his for 22 years) for him to be a liar and a cheat. i can't say he's ever lied to me before - even when it has gotten me angry at him. he has always been very honest. i'll see if he ends up telling me about this tomorrow night when he comes home. if he lies bold face to me i will be shocked!
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1698979&postcount=21 How's that going? Have you considered MC?
2sure Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Unless your H is interviewing candidates for a position in his business/company....and thought his former co-worker would fit the bill..... He has NO reason to be inviting her to lunch. And you know that. Given his age, the length of the marriage, and the current status of you communication problems, and his saying he is unhappy.... He is probably ripe for an affair. However, you know him best. If you feel an affair would be completely out of his moral character (and who doesnt?) ... Then you might be able to nip this behavior in the bud by having a talk with him - if not directly about his email, then about the fact that you are feeling insecure with your relationship right now. Its OK to say that. Its OK to talk about that. Now is the time.
Author sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 we are in marriage counseling. that is working out pretty good and in the last month or so we have been great. We figured the $$ situation (although totally my fault) was a symptom of our growing apart/his prioritizing work over family and my trying to keep everyone happy. he also sees a therapist because he has had some depression and anxiety issues for the past few years. even though we have problems, a person has to be a skunk to cheat and i just don't see him in that way
jj33 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Youre going to have to come VERY clean on this one. You were "snooping" and that will be his first line of defense - why were you snooping. So it needs to be an overall conversation about why you felt the need to snoop how you are feeling in the relationship. If you start with I understand you had lunch with Kathy (for lack of a better name) last week, why didnt you mention it? He will wonder how you found out. There could be legitimate reasons - she works for a company that he is interested in for some reason and trusts her and wants to do some preliminaries on the company by getting informal information from her? Dont know. But the fact that he didnt tell you suggests its more than that. You have to tell him but be aware that you dont totally have the moral high ground if you have snooped because it may be innocent.
jj33 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Actually you may want to raise it in MC. That way you could say how come you didnt mention lunch with Kathy and you will have a neutral party there as you go through the conversation. (a chickens way to do it maybe but perhaps more comfortable)
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Discuss the current situation in MC. Focus on your feelings about it.
Owl Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 If you don't believe that he could be cheating...why did you post this question here on the Infidelity forum? I think you believe that he COULD...which is what prompted you to ask the question here. You got answers indicating that he's engaging in inappropriate behavior...so what's your plan from here?
jj33 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 MC would work. You coudl simply state your truth you understand he had lunch with her, he didnt mention it and in light of all your issues right now, it makes you wonder if hes having an affair. Short direct tells your truth and gives him an opportunity to explain.
Author sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 My plan is to see if he mentions it to me tonight when i ask him if he needs me to make a lunch for him. I always ask who he is meeting with and whatever.....just for conversation. if he tells me, I plan on telling him I think it's inappropriate for a 44 year old man to be having lunch with a 25 year old girl. see what happens there. I don't know what i'll do if he says he needs a lunch. again, i'd be surprised if he outright lied to my face. i'll let you know.
stuckinoz Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Obviously she can't let on that she knows. It will be too obvious that she snooped. I'm one that doesn't believe it is SO horrible to snoop. IF they have nothing to hide, nothing to fear. How about when he comes home that day........"How was your day honey, how was your lunch meeting...what was it about" Be interested in his work. If he fails to mention that he had lunch with this girl then you have every reason to question further & possibly let him know you snooped. (What's he going to do, deny it when you have the proof) I understand that you know him better than any of us & wouldn't think in a million years that he would cheat....Just sounds like he's "ripe for the picking" if this young girl chooses to do so. Just food for thought
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Discuss the current situation in MC. Focus on your feelings about it. I agree, and am curious what actions both of you have taken to build an open and honest marriage? I am a corporate/business person and have lunch with current and former female coworkers. And my wife knows about every one of them...
Author sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 "I agree, and am curious what actions both of you have taken to build an open and honest marriage? " We have been in MC for a while now and there we simply discussed what his needs and wants are and the same for me. We discuss what we both can do to better meet each others needs and I especially have been doing those things. We go out together every week, go for walks, he does his basketball night, golf, etc... We work together on finances. It used to be I did the household bills and he did the investing, etc... Now we both do it all together. he does have many business friendships (men & women)and I have not had problems until lately.
Snowflower Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I understand that you know him better than any of us & wouldn't think in a million years that he would cheat.... This was similar to what I was told about 7 months ago when I posted about my husband's "out of character" behavior on a forum like this one. I, unfortunately, found out later that he was doing exactly what I feared. OP, I sincerely hope we are all wrong here and that the lunch was something completely innocent. Please, just listen to your instincts. I know you want to trust your husband but unlike me in my situation, you have some evidence right now. Reading your post now reminds me of myself all those months ago saying, I trust and know my husband, he wouldn't do anything like that. It seems like when you have to start relying so much on your "trust" in somebody that it seems like trust is the exact thing you have to start being concerned about. I think bringing up the subject of the lunch in front of your MC might be a good idea. Having a neutral 3rd party to help guide the conversation might be helpful. Good luck, keep us posted!
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Since you have an open and communicative marriage, there should be no obstacle to sharing your incidental reading of his outgoing e-mails. I'm presuming it was in fact incidental. If it wasn't, that bears sharing as well. Can you and he, outside of MC, share your perspectives and feelings in a calmly emotional way (recognizing the emotional content of the discussion but, as TBF often puts it, de-escalating emotions to remain clear in your communication)? If so, put those tools to work. I know, using those tools, I feel a lot more positive about sharing feelings, even if the feelings themselves are negative. I feel positive about the process, in that those negatives are reconcilable
Sparta8 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 "i'm not stupid but he would have to make a complete 180 degree change in who he is (i've known his for 22 years) for him to be a liar and a cheat. i can't say he's ever lied to me before - even when it has gotten me angry at him. he has always been very honest." I would have said the same thing about my wife about 11 months ago. I would further have said that the chances of her ever having an affair were less than 1 in 1000. Within 3 days I discovered she had been in an affair for a week that was about to go physical and that she had a physical affair 17 years earlier. She lied extensively over the next two months. This could have just been a lunch to help the young woman find a job, etc. If so, the only reason to hide it would be to not "worry" you about it. And even that is a step in the wrong direction.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 My plan is to see if he mentions it to me tonight when i ask him if he needs me to make a lunch for him. I always ask who he is meeting with and whatever.....just for conversation. if he tells me, I plan on telling him I think it's inappropriate for a 44 year old man to be having lunch with a 25 year old girl. see what happens there. I don't know what i'll do if he says he needs a lunch. again, i'd be surprised if he outright lied to my face. i'll let you know. This sounds like a good plan. It also sounds like you have chosen the "His Needs, Her Needs" approach to your MC, and are making progress. Part of that approach includes having a code word or phrase for times when either of you want complete honesty, which could come in handy here. Good luck tonight. If he asks you to make him lunch without mentioning the other woman, be sure to put a note in it that says, "A soon as you read this, call me so I can tell you how much I love you."
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 This could have just been a lunch to help the young woman find a job, etc. If so, the only reason to hide it would be to not "worry" you about it. And even that is a step in the wrong direction. Except that any executive that is sensitive to the current legal environment wouldn't handle something like this in a private one-on-one lunch as there is too much down side. He's hiding something, even if it is as mild as wanting to enjoy the undivided attention of a 25-year old girl for an hour or so... Mr. Lucky
Author sad&sorry Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 MC was going great. We actually have taken a "break" and haven't seen her in about 4 weeks now and things have been great. Mostly him being his old self again (happy, not stressed, actually laughing). Now this had to happen.
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