how to spark things again?

[loosingmymind]

hi all, i think ive posted 3 times in here before. i met my gf on facebook like 2 yrs ago. she lives in another country which is like 5000 miles far away, we met after one yr of talking on the net during a vacation to our homeland. we've got engaged and things were great and decided to marry after a yr. she went back to her country after a month and i also went back to my country after her. things were great we could feel each other when the other person is gonna call or send a msg we were so happy, till she decided to go back to our homeland where we met to take a course.

 

first 2 weeks things were great as before, than everything wentt down hill she stopped calling she stopped showing feelings and we faught a lot and i told her couple times that if she doesnt want me no more to tell me and i will leave her, but all she did was crying and saying she loves me and she doesnt think anything has changed in her. went to see her for x-mas and she was so cold. then after i came back from my vacation things started changing again but not as before i stopped my fights and everything after i came back from my vacation and she started calling more.

 

she has finished her course and went back to her country and she is supposed to move over in like a month and a half. we talked about everything and she told me that she regret what she does and she did it all cause she didnt wanna loose me she was afraid that callingme too much is gonna make me get bored of her. yesterday we both cried over the phone i told her how am feeling now that i still love her and want her but there is 2 many things died inside of me. like i donno wut to tell her anymore i donno wut to talk about it seems like im loosing interest there is something changed in me and i donno wut it is and she also told me she loves me more than before but there is something also missing she is sad all the time and im sad all the time and we both trying to make things work but it seems we're stuck. i donno wut to do anymore and i dont think she does either.

 

im asking my self could it be that we both lost love and doesnt want each other anymore is it the distance and are we gonna be like before again?

[Island Girl]

I have been in similar spots at times in my LDR with my husband. Never to the extreme of yours. And not for as long. I think he has too because I know him too well.

I attribute the feelings to the length of time we have been apart without seeing each other. It is the despondency of the distance for so very long that causes these feelings in us. I know it.

 

At these times recalling the wonderful memories in the beginning and throughout in detail has helped tremendously. Sharing these memories is the most useful thing I have found.

 

Since getting married we have not had times like these. It has felt like these feelings have tried to embed themselves on my side and I know them to well to allow them to take root.

And I have sensed the same in him on occasion but he will not allow it either.

 

In reading your post I don't find anywhere where you tell anything about future plans to be together.

Why are you still separated after the marriage?

[loosingmymind]

thx for ur reply, we are still seperated cause i still need sometime to get ready to bring her over and be able to support her and im working on that and all i need is 2 month and ill be done with getting the stuff we need. wut im really worried about and i think she is really worried about to that we both still young and maybe at a time she felt that she is not making the right decision or she is not ready im so scared to be in a relation with somebody that is not ready after wut she had done before and i think we both have insecurities about each other now i feel that she is working hard to make me happy but thats not what i want. i dont wanna build my happiness on hers cause i will never be happy. maybe one of the things thats making me think this way is our culture where they make a big deal out of it if a girl got divorced and that would ruin her life with family and maybe not be able to get married again. im so worried that after going back home she explored new things and she felt maybe i wasnt the right person thats y she pulled away but yet she made the move with me and we both got legally married. i know her personality she has a nice personality where she tries to make every body happy while she is not and she doesnt communicate a lot ive noticed lately she putting a lota effort to get things back as used to be but its me not feeling safe anymore maybe its the feeling of rejection and i donno for how long thats gonna be i donno if she really wants me cause thats what she is feeling or is it pressure by family and culture i tried talking to her about this and she always says no body is forcing her she is making her decision. she tells me she is counting the days to be with me but at the same time i can sense it that she is not happy we both cried about the feeling we're missing i donno could it be faded love or we both living on memories or wut would it be?

[Island Girl]

I really think this has everything to do with the feeling on both sides that your lives will be changing.

 

You are so close to being together and both of you are having apprehension to that and neither one of you is allaying each other's fears of the unknown which just makes it worse.

 

When my husband and I are not getting along for lengths of time this has happened.

And now that the end of the distance is near I have a fear of what it is going to actually be. Fear of the unknown (although we were together here before going LD we were not married and the economy has changed and, well, there are so many variables that I don't know).

 

I am not unsure of him. I am not unsure of who he is and I know who we are together when we are together.

But there are basic fears that have to do with the comfort of my life as I have known it changing greatly. I know these are natural. The apprehension is natural. So it is easier to compartmentalize.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

She is looking at leaving what she knows to be safe and comfortable. You are looking at the added pressures of having a wife to support and huge changes in your life as well.

 

Have you guys talked about those things at all?

[loosingmymind]

i donno i feel really tired and she is feeling the same we both feel the love we both dont want to break apart but its like too many things keep coming up thru my mind im not being able to be the happy person who used to bring joy to her life lately cause i think im depressed and she can feel it and i think she is not knowing how to help it she is trying hard i know that and since we both are still young as u said we're both afraid of the hidden of wuts coming after marriage and living together i know she loves me and i do love her but i just wanna feel like i can sleep again eat again its destroying my life its like we both pushing hard to get things as it was before and its not working i keep talking to her to take things easy i donno if a break could help us but im so afraid thats gonna separate us and i dont think she would even think about it cause i think we both have trust issues from our past she tried building walls before so she wouldnt fall deeper and thats cause she is afraid of being hurt which lead me to trust issues i had before i donno if i will ever feel safe again with her or she will ever feel the same with me its like we both trying so hard to not fall deeper we''re both afraid of the next step i try to comfort her but even me my self am not feeling that comfort and im trying so hard to get over this cause its ruining us and im afraid she will get bored of this soon.

[Island Girl]

Well no wonder you guys are feeling these things!

 

You both have a fear of abandonment and now both of you are unsure of the other.

 

My husband and I both have this issue as well.

But thankfully whenever one of us has felt insecure the other provides the "we will make it" reassurances needed.

 

The basic underlying thing here is neither one of you is feeling safe.

So along with the very natural fears of upheaval and life changes you also feel like you can't count on the reason for doing it.

The two of you have lost the "whatever happens baby I will stand by you" foundation.

 

You are married. That should count for something.

 

And if one of you can commit and show the other that you meant your vows I think the other will come around.

 

But the both of you have got to get back to what you said to each other on your wedding day.

 

Life is full of changes. A lot of them are scary.

Responsibilities are scary.

 

That will be no different if the two of you are without each other.

The only difference is that you will face those times and responsibilities alone instead of with a partner standing by your side.

 

The two of you need to talk about how empty the world would be without the other (because it will) and remember how good you are together.

 

Do not let fear overtake you and destroy your marriage.