4givrnt4gtr Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Why is it that every single time I think i find someone really good...something has to go really bad.... My current bf had a gf for 5 years...she cheated, several times, treated him like crap and finally dumped him when he lost his money last year. 8 months later we started dating. At first i thought it was too soon but he assured me he was over the whole thing.... Well, slowly i began to notice he was still bitter, but he assured me that it was because she had treated him so badly, that he had no feelings towards her at all but did not want to see her (this was a few months ago) Now, last weekend there was a party he went to and she was there. I finally decided not to go because I figured, he is a big boy, needs to face his past and see where he is at. If im there, he wont have that chance. Well sunday comes around and he comes home....crushed. He was soooo depressed talking about how he felt like a loser and how losing that relationship was his biggest failure, that he had planned his whole life around it and without it he felt like he didnt have anything. That he had lost his ID while in it and now he is flundering to find his way. Well all this talk made me wonder if he still had feelings for her and wishes he could go back to that. I confronted him about it this morning, telling him I will not allow him to make me a second rated, consolation prize girlfriend He assured me that it wasnt the case, that he didnt see me that way, that he really liked me but he is still guarded cuz he didnt want to get hurt and still trying to figure out his way out of the mess that relationship left. I felt better but he still super depressed. He kept saying that his situation, both financial and feeling so ungrounded makes him feel really low and seeing the friends he had when he felt he had it all made it painfully clear that he just wasnt in the same place and had to figure out how to get there again. I feel so bad for him....but, on one hand, if I knew that he liked me for me for sure, as he assured me this morning, then i have no problem helping him get thru this mess. On the other hand, whats to say that what he told me was true? what if he is not over his ex? He just seemed so sad when he came back...he told he she just made him feel so panicky...as if he was traumatized. I dont know what to think....and much less what to do.... Please help??
era Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Doesn't sound like he's over his ex...you said he felt traumatized. A person knows when they have healed because they can see or talk to the ex and feel NOTHING.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 So what do I do now?? as i keep reading online I keep having this strong feeling like Im nothing more than a rebound.... THat just totally blows.... But see...when we are together its soooooo good! I mean we've havent had any issues until now...until he went to that party..... Before that I really had a strong feeling he really liked me for who i am. he talks very detailed about what he likes about me and when he talks about the future he seems so hopeful and so....i dont know.... why am i doing this....why am i willingly staying in something i can clearly see has very little chance of ending up in a good thing. what am i doing
samiam143 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 He's obviously confused. Why don't you try sitting down and discussing it? Tell him how it confuses you and bothers you. If everything is normally good then keep it how it is, just be patient. No matter what, I don't think he's completely over his ex. But that doesn't mean he doesnt have feelings for you as well.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Doesn't sound like he's over his ex...you said he felt traumatized. A person knows when they have healed because they can see or talk to the ex and feel NOTHING. BINGO Man, I feel bad for you. He has not moved on. Just know that you're probably the rebound. When he finally gets past the feelings he had for her, he may just decide you're not for him. I would not be sticking around. I'd volunteer to give the guy his space until he sorts out his feelings.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 BINGO I'd volunteer to give the guy his space until he sorts out his feelings. I tried...Sunday we talked and talked and talked about the situation. He swears he doesnt want her at all (one of her friends told him she wants him back apparently), but that it was such a huge crumbling of his world that it still has a huge impact on his daily life now and just seeing her brings it all back. I mean, apart from the break up, he also lost his apartment (actually he lost his fancy apartment and then she broke up with him, and he later found out she had been cheating on him), and within the next week or so he found out his parents were getting a divorce. Bassically his whole world just kinda came crumbling down in a matter of days. He's come a long way since that but I guess going back to hanging out with the people he used to when everything was fine, especially with her makes whatever he was feeling at the time come rushing back. In any case when we talked about this I told him he needs to sort himself out, and that I would gladly stand by him as his friend but he doesnt need the added pressure of the whole relationship. He immediately said no, that he really doesnt want to break up, that he really likes me and just wants to get thru this so he can be able to open himself up completely. That he knows it is the worst possible timing but that he doesnt want to miss the opportunity of being with me because of what happened. THat he is trying hard to be as stable as possible but sometimes its hard. (Quick background, he and I lived in the same "house" in 04. Back then he was with his ex, but one night when we were both drunk we kinda told each other we would date if he wasnt in a relationship. THe following summer he left and I didnt see him again until last october when his relationship had been over for about 8 months. After we started dating he told me he had always had a bit of a crush on me, even when he was with her) In any case, I really really like him and I know if things were different we would have a really good chance together because as I said, for those first few months it was awesome, we communicate very well and the most awesome thing is that we seem to have a mutual understanding of how important fairness and equality is in a relationship. When i think about it like this I can see its gonna be rough but we have a chance. But then when I think about...what if Im a rebound??? I know rebounds never work, i know that. But I dont know.... Im so confused.....and so so sad.
St. Nick Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Time for a new relationship. Move on. From what you've written it is obvious he's too deep into his loss to give you the treatment as his new g/f. I definitely think it might take months for him to get over her. You don't want to wait around months for him to get over his girl. Trust me when I say move on and look for someone else.
Scarlett513 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I can't say anything that others haven't said already, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you had to go through this. You deserve better, and you will find it.
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