Spinning Head Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I haven't posted on this site in some time. I appreciated everyone's comments and advice. MM has had an attorney under retainer for four months. MM is working on a separation agreement. I've reviewed it and commented. MM has not presented the agreement to his W. MM is still living with his W, W is not working or looking for work, MM continues to support grown sons, etc. Actually, not much has changed in MM's life. I've realized over the past month that I've given up on MM. All I hear is how much MM loves me, misses me, wants a future with me - blah, blah, blah. MM tells me constantly about the problems in his marriage, problems with the relationships with his sons, problems with his business. I'm quite tired of hearing about his problems. But, MM never does anything to change his situation. Absolutely nothing. Bottom line, MM has worn me out emotionally and mentally. I've become more focused on my family and work over the past few months. I've begun to build a wall between myself and MM. I don't see MM as often. While we talk every day, I steer the conversation away from a future together because, really, what's the point?! MM has commented that I don't seem to love him as much, that he isn't as much as a priority in my life, etc. I point out that he's the one with the roadblocks - not me. MM told his W two months ago that he was moving out. MM is still living with his W. This site opened my eyes to the futility of a future with MM. While I have gone through a great deal of angst, hurt, pain, self doubt, etc., I have also learned a great deal about myself.
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Self awareness is always necessary to understanding the way to get off a dead end road.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 You're alot stronger than you thought you were...I remember back in January when you were having migraines and fed up about his indecision, telling you he's not leaving then he leaves, but then heads back home.. This guy is not changing. He says he's leaving but in reality, he isn't. Good to see your update Spinning! Stay strong and maybe start detaching abit more, not talking to him everyday. Why should he still have it both ways? (EA I mean.)
wildsoul Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I remember how your guy (like mine) hooked you with a lot of "future talk." It's potent when you get a taste of what you want, and can imagine that if you were free and clear with each other that you could have it. So close, yet so far. But that futility you speak of. I totally get it. When I realized that my guy didn't have the personal traits it takes to actually deliver when we'd been talking about, my feelings really changed. It was when I really truly realized that his personality defects are such that he CAN'T be the man I wanted him to be (and the man HE wanted to be for me) that I changed. If you really (REALLY) want what you say you do, and you're waiting around for some guy who is incapable of creating it with you, the futility becomes more real somehow. It sounds like your guy just CAN'T pull the trigger. And think about how that same trait will manifest for you. He'll say yes, when he really means no. He'll stall. He'll be passive agressive. Even if you got him, he'd be a lot of work. I know you love him. But you can (and will) love someone else, especially when you find a guy that is really READY for you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 MM has commented that I don't seem to love him as much, that he isn't as much as a priority in my life Does he say this over his shoulder as he's on his way out the door and home to his wife and kids? Mr. Lucky
2sunny Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 if his actions don't match his words - then he's just lying every time he speaks untruths to you... what's the point of trying to build a future with someone who is completely still taken. allow him to understand that you may consider taking his call when his divorce is stamped FINAL. until then - if you stay involved - you are just asking to continue to ride an emotional roller coaster.
willing Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I'm quite tired of hearing about his problems. But, MM never does anything to change his situation. Absolutely nothing. MM has commented that I don't seem to love him as much, that he isn't as much as a priority in my life, MM is being a typical fence-sitter, too afraid to choose one side for fear of not being able to climb up and over to the other side, should he change his mind. That shows you he lacks commitment to you (and to his W).
65tr6 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I've realized over the past month that I've given up on MM. All I hear is how much MM loves me, misses me, wants a future with me - blah, blah, blah. MM tells me constantly about the problems in his marriage, problems with the relationships with his sons, problems with his business. I'm quite tired of hearing about his problems. But, MM never does anything to change his situation. Absolutely nothing. I am going to be just a bit harsh here....Read your post again. To me it sounds like this is the not the kind of person you want to be with. One who talks about himself and his problems. BUT then again you want him. Is it because it is forbidden love ? Or is that you have sunk to such low levels that if you loose him you think your life is doomed ? Really, be honest with yourself here. If I were you, I would get a life on my own....
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Isn't Spinning the one that has a 9am-5pm, M-F affair with her MM? But expects him to leave his M when he's treating the A like it truly is optional? I don't understand why anyone would be assisting someone else with a separation agreement. Ever hear of minding your own business, comes to mind. Plus, I think he's only doing it and allowing her to *help* as part of his rouse. This guy ain't leaving. He never was.
Mino Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Isn't Spinning the one that has a 9am-5pm, M-F affair with her MM? But expects him to leave his M when he's treating the A like it truly is optional? I don't understand why anyone would be assisting someone else with a separation agreement. Ever hear of minding your own business, comes to mind. Plus, I think he's only doing it and allowing her to *help* as part of his rouse. This guy ain't leaving. He never was. Whats a 9-5 affair? I saw my mm everyday, from 9-5, and he left !!!
Mino Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Whats a 9-5 affair? I saw my mm everyday, from 9-5, and he left !!! Why does everybody always think they have a crystal ball and can predict the future? Some DO leave, ya kno...I heard so many things around here,he is not leaving if A is longer then a year, He is not leaving if he has kids, He is not leaving if he has a house, He is not leaving if you only see him 9-5, blah blah blah.... WEll my A was over 4 years, He had all of the things you all post, and guess what he left.... Wonder how that happened? Hmmmmm:rolleyes:
Confused4Now Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Why does everybody always think they have a crystal ball and can predict the future? Some DO leave, ya kno...I heard so many things around here,he is not leaving if A is longer then a year, He is not leaving if he has kids, He is not leaving if he has a house, He is not leaving if you only see him 9-5, blah blah blah.... WEll my A was over 4 years, He had all of the things you all post, and guess what he left.... Wonder how that happened? Hmmmmm:rolleyes: Isn't it like lingering death? I can't imagine how you survived but I know exactly what your talking about. My divorce is final now but her getting out is already almost a whole year behind me. She's moving but very slow...and I quit pushing cause that didnt' work. Would I do things different? oh hell yeah.....go NC
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 WEll my A was over 4 years, He had all of the things you all post, and guess what he left.... But was it worth it? Do you trust him, have faith in him? How's the dynamic between you two? Are you taking it slow and dating him, allowing things to develop in a relationship setting (NOT an affair setting and frame of mind)? And most of all, and I really do mean this nicely, are you happy? Truly happy and fully trust him?
OWoman Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Why does everybody always think they have a crystal ball and can predict the future? Some DO leave, ya kno...I heard so many things around here,he is not leaving if A is longer then a year, He is not leaving if he has kids, He is not leaving if he has a house, He is not leaving if you only see him 9-5, blah blah blah.... WEll my A was over 4 years, He had all of the things you all post, and guess what he left.... Wonder how that happened? Hmmmmm:rolleyes: Yep I agree, these situations are all different and need to be judged on their own merits. By those criteria, my H wouldn't have left his xW either (though we didn't do the 9-5 thing, as our situation was different). But I've also had As where I only saw the MM during working hours (because that's when it suited ME - I didn't want them hanging around my other lives) who also landed up leaving their Ws, so that's not a fail-safe predictor either...
NoIDidn't Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Why does everybody always think they have a crystal ball and can predict the future? Some DO leave, ya kno...I heard so many things around here,he is not leaving if A is longer then a year, He is not leaving if he has kids, He is not leaving if he has a house, He is not leaving if you only see him 9-5, blah blah blah.... WEll my A was over 4 years, He had all of the things you all post, and guess what he left.... Wonder how that happened? Hmmmmm:rolleyes: You know, *I* posted this, not everybody. What one person thinks cannot be extrapolated to this *everybody* you always allude to. How about this, YOU are not Spinning and your MM is NOT hers. Hers has shown absolutely no proof that he is leaving. So try not giving her false hope based on your biased thinking. The man is *spinning* her a yarn, but because you are hoping things work out in your situation you encourage her in this foolishness. He hasn't shown her any respect - if I have my posters correct, that is. Seriously, my post to her was NOT about YOU, Mino.
Author Spinning Head Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 I don't have any hope that MM will leave his M. True, MM talks often about doing so and has asked me to review revised separation agreements several times. I don't think MM will move out. He still maintains an apartment, which I am unsure why he does so at this point. I quit asking him about his M and him leaving. I did go through a terrible time in January, i.e. migraines, etc. The toll the A was taking on myself mentally was becoming too much. The mental stress began to manifest itself physically. It was a wake up call for me. I was in a depressed mood. I needed to change as I didn't even like being around myself! I've spent the past several weeks thinking about my future. My kids are doing well. I am working hard with my business. And, summer is only a few months away. I don't think about a future with MM anymore. It has taken me a long time to get to this point.
jj33 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Good for you Spinning. You have turned a corner. im sorry it didnt work out but glad you are able to start moving forward. Big hugs jj
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