The Ultimatum

[Doingitagain]

I'm mentally lost. I don't even know where to begin. Up until about two weeks ago I was under the impression that my girlfriend was moving up here, she's down in Texas and I'm in NY. Then she basically said to me "I've decided it's too expensive and complicated for me to move up there, so either you can move down here or we can end this." Needless to say I was blindsided, and it has been wreaking havoc on me ever since. She said things like "I don't even know why we're doing this, you're never going to move down here and I damn sure am not moving up there so what's the point." The point? I thought the point was love, and making this work. I never said I wouldn't move down there but she automatically assumed it, and even went as far as to say "I've begun mentally detatching myself from you since I know this is going to end soon." I look at it like, well if you're so sure it's going to end, why not just end it? Why play games like this? I went so far as to say today that I would move down there if she still even wanted me and her response was "I have to think about it". I'm devastated. We have had such a strong, loving relationship and this totally caught me off guard.

 

There's another issue that I'd like to throw out there before I keep going. She has had this friend of hers, a guy, for about 8 years. He's in Florida and they've never met. This guy does everything in his power to try to break us up, and I'm more than certain that he has played a role in making her feel this way. He told her about 3 weeks ago that "The girl I love is with another man, you have to choose if you want me or him." Ok? That basically straight out says that he wants to be more than friends with her. She has been telling me from the start that he's only a friend but I've always had this feeling deep down that she has feelings for him that go deeper than friendship. And seeing how that comment has made her react has vindicated my thoughts 100%. He's a manipulator, and he messes with her head so much but I can't convince her that he's toxic to our relationship. I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm fighting with this other guy for my girlfriend, needless to say it's a really bad feeling. But every time I try to talk to her about it she gets angry or defends him and says "he's just lonely". She says she doesn't want to hurt him. But what about me? I'm dying inside from this and she can't even notice! I'm slipping into a depression over this and it's obviously not healthy.

 

I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should just wash my hands clean of all of this and move on with my life or what. I just don't feel like she's ready for a real commited relationship while she's got this guy whispering in her ear and manipulating her to do what he wants. This same guy abandoned her after she broke up with her last boyfriend and said "that's what you get, I warned you about other guys, now leave me alone". He completely dropped her on her face, and that's when we met. Now all of the sudden he's absolved of all sin and she can forget about all of that and doesn't want to hurt him? What about the times he hurt her, repeatedly?! Is there something I'm missing in this whole situation that someone would kindly point out to me?

 

I'm just very confused, sad, lonely, and depressed. I feel like I am on the outside looking in at my relationship and saying "Man, I wouldn't wanna be that guy". I bite my lip on so many issues because I don't want to start a fight and then when I finally get fed up enough to tell her what's bothering me I wind up blowing up because of all the stuff I've left bottled up flowing out at once. I just don't know how much more I can take, and I don't know if I even want to sit here and continue this. I almost regret telling her I wanted to move down there. I figured she would yell on the phone (in joy) and say "I can't wait to spend my life with you!". Instead, I got a "I have to think about it and talk to some people about it." It felt like 5 people kicked me in the stomach at once and then proceeded to pummel my chest. I still feel like I just want to jump in front of the train tomorrow on my way to work. Though I know I won't, it still sounds like a fun idea...

 

I dunno anymore.

[Hunter658]

I am with you on this 100%. I am dealing with a similar situation and it's the WORST feeling in the world when your heart has traveled so far from your chest, you can't get it back. When you want to run screaming from a bar playing Neil Young's "Heart of Gold." When you're having a casual conversation and suddenly "they" appear out of nowhere, thus confirming the fact that it is simply impossible to get over them and only time will tell.

 

Yeah. I'm with you on that. I'd offer you some advice, but I can't even take my own. The golden thread that flows between my heart and my brain has been broken. And I am devastated.

[Cora]

I just wanted to say I know the feeling all too well. I am still having those feelings as we speak. You think everything is going well then out of nowhere this happens. You fall in love and all of these hopes and dreams are discussed and you really think you know this person until out of the blue it's as if you are dealing with a completely different person! It's like what happened to that person I fell in love with? What happened to that person who once shared the same dreams as I did? What happened to that person who used to love me or claimed they did? It is so tough and hard to comprehend. My situation was a bit different but I still know how you are feeling. It's as if your heart was ripped right out of your chest and you are left empty with nothing to occupy your mind except for the questions...the many many questions mostly of why?

 

I hope this gets worked out between the two of you. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Just know that you are not alone. The situations might be different but the feelings of depression and despair are the same. There are many others who are going through this right now or have been through it and it hurts! I know that doesn't provide you with much comfort but I hope you can find at least a bit of solace knowing you aren't alone. Hang in there!

[Hunter658]

I apologize for hijacking the thread with my own problems, but Cora, it is nice to meet you. *hug* I would like nothing more than to sit and have a cup of coffee with you right now. Thank you for the kind words (even though they weren't to me).

 

And Doingitagain, know this. We will get through this. We have no choice but to, no matter what the outcome is. There is no other alternative.

[Island Girl]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

The "I need to think about things" line doesn't feel good no matter the distance.

 

But please stand up for yourself.

 

You are worthy of someone who wants to be with you.

 

And you are letting her measure you up to "see" if you fit the bill after you have put in the effort and shown her no reason to question you or the relationship.

 

The guy friend - yes, he is a problem. But believe me you are losing points by not just standing your ground and saying "I told you I'd move there and I have been loyal and thoughtful in this relationship. I am not going to sit around and wait while you try to keep me on the back burner 'just in case' you decide you still want this."

 

She is see-sawing back and forth - and then she has to discuss your move with others?

Please.

She has been considering life without you for a while.

I know it is sudden for you but it is not for her. She just didn't discuss how she has been feeling with you as she should have. That is what you do in a loving respectful relationship.

But she wasn't sure what she wanted so she kept you i the dark. And now she still isn't exactly sure but is sure willing to torture you and keep you hurting while she figures out.

Yes it isn't fair and no you shouldn't stand for it.

 

Show her what she'll be missing out on by ending it and going NC.

 

IF she still has true emotions involved and just needs a kick in the pants she'll come back and the she needs to show she won't just cut and run especially if you are going to uproot your life for her.

 

If she doesn't she wasn't going to in the first place and you are just prolonging your torment.

 

Again, I am truly sorry.

 

She is behaving like she doesn't give a crap about you - her words say enough but her actions - or lack thereof - speak louder.

 

Please get more than a little angry at how you are being treated. You should be ANGRY right now - not thinking she is Miss Wonderful.

She is showing she is the opposite right now.

[era]

Did you meet on-line?

 

How much face time have you two had?

[KikiW]

I am so very sorry, but like other people here, I think this girl has been working on leaving you. She made up her mind that you would not move to her so she had one more reason to tell you goodbye. Some people need to make it all about the other person not being accomodating enough so they feel better about breaking up with them.

 

It sounds like she has been holding back, unless you have been simply ignoring the signs - understandable, trust me. Unless you are prone to over-analyze, are on the lookout for any glances of red flags, or are one "waiting for the other shoe to drop" (like me, which is not all that healthy either and has been the source of problems), it would be natural to smooth away the signs of her discontent.

 

Unless she is willing to go "all-in" on this relationship, I think you need to let her go. Asking for friends' opinions isn't a bad thing, friends do help give perspective if they are good ones (and don't just say "oh yeah you're so right"). But I don't believe she is willing to go all-in.

 

This other guy is just a distraction to her. Another drama to fill her life. Declaring he loves her and demanding she choose between her boyfriend and him? DRAMA. If a long-time friend tried that with me, I would kick them to the curb ASAP. This is not a romantic-comedy movie, this is real life.

 

I agree with Island Girl - you have every right to feel the way you do, but you should also be angry. This is a load of crap and if she had been having doubts, YOU should have been the first one she talked to about it.

[Doingitagain]

Thank you very much for your replies. As for if we met online, yes, and we've spent a total of about 21 days together in about a year.

 

Anyway, we had a long talk last night, and I poured my heart out, and I let my rage out, and I told her exactly how I was feeling. It was an emotional night needless to say but she ended up apologizing for the way she had been acting, and acknowledged that she needs to drop this other guy if she wants to continue our relationship in a healthy manner. I feel like I didn't stress enough that this all really came about in the past two weeks, it wasn't something recurring or anything. Not to mention she recently found out her Grandfather has cancer, so that probably weighed a little bit on her state of mind.

 

I am looking forward to the adventure that we've decided to set out on. I know this isn't going to be a walk in the park and I know that we both have a bit of work to do on ourselves to make this work. I honestly think I got my point across as best as I could and I think it finally struck a nerve with her. I can't be 100% certain, not yet at least. But I am going to take the necessary steps towards being with her. If something gets tripped up along the way, so be it, but at least I will know that I put my all into it.

 

I'm sure I will need the support of the community in the future as well, and I will do my best to give any advice to others that are in distress as well. Having a release like this website is really great, considering I really have nobody to talk to about it in real life. Thank you for your support.

[Island Girl]

I am so glad your conversation was enough to get her head back in the game.

 

Especially with consideration of the male friend.

 

I hope this troublesome spot ends up bringing the two of you closer together.