tami-chan Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Hi Jimmy! Saying "sorry about your pain" seems really hollow...but, I am..anyway, a few questions: I have already layed out some of my rules to her. I made it clear that I'm calling the shots and she will do whatever I ask of her. Well, she wants to stay in the marriage,so she should do whatever you ask. What about you? Still not sure if you want to stay in the marriage? Just make sure you won't need anything from her down the road. I made her go over to her folks last night and confess the whole thing to them. We have a very close relationship with her folks and I knew that would be brutal for her but oh f*cking well. Why did you ask her to do this? We also have a close relationship with my folks. I told them what she did and made her agree that she would go over there, face them, and apologize. or this? I will be seperating all of our finances. Practical move. This weekend I will take my boy's to go do something fun and she isn't invited. Why not? You are not using the kids against her, are you? Unless this is normal in your family where you have "boys day's out"? I'm trying my best to control my temper and emotion around the house but it's hard. I can tell they already sense something is wrong. They were very quiet on the way to school this morning. Well, yes, controlling your anger is difficult still you have got to go beyond your own anger...regardless of what your wife did. You and your wife have an obligation to those kids. As far as the other man, I had my wife give him a ultamatum about telling his wife and having her call me or giving me her phone number. I know I should not be vindictive but it's just what I have to do for my own peace of mind. His wife will not call you, at least, I do not think so. You are going to be the couple's common enemy. A crazed husband. They will close ranks. So you do not give that kind of ultimatum. You just do it on your own. What the other man's wife will do with the information is up to her. This co*ksucker is not getting off without feeling some pain. He had no f*cking right to do what he did. Sadly, affairs, having sex, love and all that stuff is not about "having the right". It's about having the opportunity and the courage or guts to cross certain boundaries. I know it takes two to tango but he knows she is married with two young children and he has met me. He is the lowest of low and the scum of the earth. BTW....I have told my wife I feel the same about her right now. You know, your wife went willingly with him...you married someone like him. So what now? Some have asked if she feels any remorse. She seems to but I don't know. She has been balling her eyes out to me for the last 24 hours begging for my forgiveness. I'm absolutely not ready now or possibly forever to forgive her for what she has done to me! Maybe you shouldn't. Spare your kids of a drawn out, emotional rollercoaster hell ride. End it now. After all, even when you have forgiven her, she will have to be forgiven by her folks and then your folks and possibly by other members of the family. You have made it into a much bigger mess. I've got a lot of built up anger and resentment in me right now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. How about you just don't expose your stuff to other people yet, until you are sure of the things you really want done? it is still very raw..
Darth Vader Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 First off, thank you everyone for the advice so far. It was a long night. To answer a few questions, we are going for a counseling session tonight. I have made her no promises that I was staying around. I'm only going to counseling and giving it a shot for my kids. I have already layed out some of my rules to her. I made it clear that I'm calling the shots and she will do whatever I ask of her. I made her go over to her folks last night and confess the whole thing to them. We have a very close relationship with her folks and I knew that would be brutal for her but oh f*cking well. I will be verifying with my in laws that she told them everything. We also have a close relationship with my folks. I told them what she did and made her agree that she would go over there, face them, and apologize. I will be seperating all of our finances. This weekend I will take my boy's to go do something fun and she isn't invited. I've also contemplated telling her she needs to go stay over her folks for a while. But that will have a huge impact on our boy's wondering why mom is not home. I'm trying to make it seem as normal as possible for them. They are only 5 and 8 and I know I'd never be able to make them understand. We are not arguing or discussing this in front of them. I'm trying my best to control my temper and emotion around the house but it's hard. I can tell they already sense something is wrong. They were very quiet on the way to school this morning. As far as the other man, I had my wife give him a ultamatum about telling his wife and having her call me or giving me her phone number. I know I should not be vindictive but it's just what I have to do for my own peace of mind. This co*ksucker is not getting off without feeling some pain. He had no f*cking right to do what he did. I know it takes two to tango but he knows she is married with two young children and he has met me. He is the lowest of low and the scum of the earth. BTW....I have told my wife I feel the same about her right now. Some have asked if she feels any remorse. She seems to but I don't know. She has been balling her eyes out to me for the last 24 hours begging for my forgiveness. I'm absolutely not ready now or possibly forever to forgive her for what she has done to me! I've got a lot of built up anger and resentment in me right now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I appreciate all of the advice. Concerning your children, does your wife know of the effects that this has been having on them, their ability to sense something is amiss? I think that she has no clue to this and it must be made apparent to her, she cheated on them as well as on you, that's something many WS's and perhaps BS's in some cases, don't think about......... how it effects the children. I can tell they already sense something is wrong. They were very quiet on the way to school this morning.
Darth Vader Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 How many more families will the OM ruin before he's paid a price high enough to realize that it is wrong? I agree with Troubador, take the steps he suggested. The man needs to suffer the consequences of his actions and pay the price. That's something I'd agree to as well! He needs to feel the consequences!
Darth Vader Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Just what did the OM confess to? This is version #1. Watch out for what we call "Trickle Truth". Where more and more comes out about what happened and how many times etc. Everyone who has experiences Trickle Truth believed they knew their respective spouses were being truthful because they knew them and always could tell when they were lying. All the tears had to mean all the truth has been admitted to. But we were wrong. Especially the when the cheaters didn't confess on their own but were found out. They are two completely different types of cheaters. Beware!!! P.S. Your wife and the OM during their discussion where OM was told to tell his wife...got their mutual stories straight to how many times to admit to and the whens and wheres!! Beware when the two stories are exactly alike!! I think I see where you're going with this Flynn, He and OM's W should discuss and share all information known and found out to each other, they should to be able to determine if it's all a ruse or if it's the truth.
Darth Vader Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Hi Jimmy! Saying "sorry about your pain" seems really hollow...but, I am..anyway, a few questions: Well, she wants to stay in the marriage,so she should do whatever you ask. What about you? Still not sure if you want to stay in the marriage? Just make sure you won't need anything from her down the road. Why did you ask her to do this? or this? Practical move. Why not? You are not using the kids against her, are you? Unless this is normal in your family where you have "boys day's out"? Well, yes, controlling your anger is difficult still you have got to go beyond your own anger...regardless of what your wife did. You and your wife have an obligation to those kids. His wife will not call you, at least, I do not think so. You are going to be the couple's common enemy. A crazed husband. They will close ranks. So you do not give that kind of ultimatum. You just do it on your own. What the other man's wife will do with the information is up to her. Sadly, affairs, having sex, love and all that stuff is not about "having the right". It's about having the opportunity and the courage or guts to cross certain boundaries. You know, your wife went willingly with him...you married someone like him. So what now? Maybe you shouldn't. Spare your kids of a drawn out, emotional rollercoaster hell ride. End it now. After all, even when you have forgiven her, she will have to be forgiven by her folks and then your folks and possibly by other members of the family. You have made it into a much bigger mess. How about you just don't expose your stuff to other people yet, until you are sure of the things you really want done? it is still very raw.. Actually, he didn't make it into a bigger mess, or rather any mess at all, his wife and the OM did all of that themselves, they're just being forced to deal with the consequences of their actions. No consequences for their actions, no motivation for change! The faster the affair is exposed, the better, reason being is so they can't attempt to hide or twist the situation into something that's not true, or perhaps to continue the affair. That's another thing the poster of this thread should be thinking about, would his wife and OM still be screwing each other if she hadn't been caught by him? I think YES! Based upon that answer, if it were me, she'd be long gone by now! Basically, she's sorry she got caught. Plain and simple.
tami-chan Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Concerning your children, does your wife know of the effects that this has been having on them, their ability to sense something is amiss? I think that she has no clue to this and it must be made apparent to her, she cheated on them as well as on you, that's something many WS's and perhaps BS's in some cases, don't think about......... how it effects the children. I am pretty sure the wife is not oblivious to the children--otherwise she would not have hidden the affair. I think the children are sensing something is "amiss" because dad(OP) manifests anger and unhappiness and mom (WS) is crying a lot. Definitely a major thing to consider, BUT participants of an illicit affair almost always hope they can keep it under wraps forever and "nobody" has to get hurt.
Darth Vader Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I am pretty sure the wife is not oblivious to the children--otherwise she would not have hidden the affair. I think the children are sensing something is "amiss" because dad(OP) manifests anger and unhappiness and mom (WS) is crying a lot. Definitely a major thing to consider, BUT participants of an illicit affair almost always hope they can keep it under wraps forever and "nobody" has to get hurt. That's the problem, there's almost no way to keep it under wraps forever, that is unless something happens to all of the BS's such as getting killed in a wreck or something (I know, horrible example), even then, any family member/s that survived may eventually find out somehow. Things like this have a very strange way of getting found out, even years later, it could be almost anything that gets the ball rolling. He's stated that he doesn't do it in front of the children, but, that would really be hard to do, because the BS feels on some level that they shouldn't have to wait to speak about it and suffer in silence in the meantime.
tami-chan Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 That's the problem, there's almost no way to keep it under wraps forever, that is unless something happens to all of the BS's such as getting killed in a wreck or something (I know, horrible example), even then, any family member/s that survived may eventually find out somehow. Things like this have a very strange way of getting found out, even years later, it could be almost anything that gets the ball rolling. I agree. Still, when one is in a "fog", one hopes their affair would be the one that will never be discovered or if it will be , it will become some great Hollywood movie... He's stated that he doesn't do it in front of the children, but, that would really be hard to do, because the BS feels on some level that they shouldn't have to wait to speak about it and suffer in silence in the meantime. Well, everything is a choice. If BSs feel entitled to lash out, irregardless of what is at stake or resulting collateral damage THAT is their choice. I doubt OP has complete control of his negative emotions when he is "in front of the children"--seems to have a "lynch mob" mentality.
Tabuu Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 I've been married for almost 11 years to my wife. I found out this morning that she cheated on me. She tried to deny it but she fessed up when I presented the facts that I knew.( How did U come about the Knowledge that she was cheating?.were U suspicious that something was going on? Was it a One time Deal, and did U press for details, and what about STD's?
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You know, maybe the guy she slept with was suicidal because he hadn't had sex in ten years. Then she came along and God granted his desire and saved his life. Did she enjoy it? If you love her wouldn't you want the best for her? The best home. The best kids. The best orgasm? Your wife is entitled to orgasms. Have you provided them? Dude, you have to get beyond jeoulosy. You have to get beyond ego. Your ego is getting in the way of your love for her. You really think there is a difference between her getting an orgasm from or from someone else?! Do some soul-searching. Love her so much that you let her continue to have sex with another man. THAT is TRUE love. Ok, this is a crappy statement if I ever heard one, IMO.
Danger Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You know, maybe the guy she slept with was suicidal because he hadn't had sex in ten years. Then she came along and God granted his desire and saved his life. Did she enjoy it? If you love her wouldn't you want the best for her? The best home. The best kids. The best orgasm? Your wife is entitled to orgasms. Have you provided them? Dude, you have to get beyond jeoulosy. You have to get beyond ego. Your ego is getting in the way of your love for her. You really think there is a difference between her getting an orgasm from or from someone else?! Do some soul-searching. Love her so much that you let her continue to have sex with another man. THAT is TRUE love. LOL! You should send your wife over to my place if you love her!
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 LOL! You should send your wife over to my place if you love her! I just don't know about that guy above your post(shakes head). No man in their right mind would allow that, issues man, issues!
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