She Cheated On Me. What Now?

[JimmyB]

Athena, thanks for the advice. You've given me more to think about and to consider. I guess I should have been more clear by what I meant by a family outing. I will probably take them to do something that them and I would only go do together anyway. I might grab our golf clubs and head out to the driving range. They been wanting me to take them for a while or I might load the bikes in the truck and take them for a bike ride somewhere.

 

I am not a mean guy. Although I have had some harsh words for her, I won't be cruel to her. It's just not the way I am and not the way my parents taught me to be. If I get to that point I will just leave. I will not stay with her if I am miserable. It's not worth it and I feel that would be harder on the kids than just leaving her and moving on.

 

It hasn't been all harsh words out of my mouth. As much as tried not to, I broke down this morning during a discussion and lost it. I'm not sure she has ever seen me cry over sadness before. She had a look sadness on her face like I have never seen before. I was a bit mortified that I let her see me break down but on the other hand, I think she needed to see how bad she has hurt me.

 

BTW...The OM told my wife this morning he told his wife last night and she will be calling me tonight to verify that he confessed to her. He told my wife she was to upset to call me last night. We shall see if he is bull ****ting me or not.

[troubadour]

JimmyB... you are in a tough spot.

 

Inform OM's wife about the affair immediately... everybody has already told you this. It should be the very first thing to do... don't trust your wife about this. Keep in mind that at this point you are her safety net... other man is her # 1 romantic pick.

 

You should also consider informing HD at your wife's work place about what happend... especially that OM used to be her boss. If you really want to get even with the OM... just find a "creative" attorney and file a lawsuite against the company your wife and OM work for. The lawsuite would rather never make it to the court room... depending wher you live there may be no legal bases for filling it or a company would chose to settle it with you... but OM would be finished. No question about it.

 

I have never been married or cheated... but if I were in your situation I would do the above... I would not let OM just walk away with no consequencies. He would pay. But don't do anything stupid or illigal.

 

Having small children complicates your situation... it must be hard on you... otherwise I would tell you to just divorce her. You have to decide if you want to be in limping marriage or to get divorce. Probably the most likely scenario will be that you try to make it work for some time... then you and your wife will get tired dealing with it and get divorced.

 

Good luck, man.

[reservoirdog1]

I can't really give you advice about whether or not you should stay with her.

 

But know this: for now, and for some time in the future, everything she tells you is suspect. Remember always that the only reason you now know she was screwing around on you is that you busted her. She didn't have a moment of clarity and confess. You confronted her, and initially she denied it. You MUST assume that there's a lot you don't know about, that she is intentionally concealing.

 

A few things that should be done ASAP:

 

1. She should look for another job. She's obviously still in a lot of contact with the OM, and that MUST stop.

 

2. She must give you complete, unobstructed access to her email, cell phone, and internet history. If she resists and says it's an intrusion on her privacy, it's because she's still hiding information from you. If she's as committed to repairing the damage she did as she says she is, she'll give you that access willingly. Remember, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Good luck man...

[stampdaddy]

Jimmy, I agree with everything you have done with your W (such as made her tell her folks, apologize to yours, not given her any assurances etc). Well done. You laying down the law on your terms will help you. But -- they might not help your M as much... the part I am thinking about is you punishing her by inviting your boys out on a fun activity and excluding her. Are you sure that is what you want to do to her?

 

Perhaps you feel the need to 'break' her, like she broke you by her betrayal, but she is your son's mother and a member of your family. If you go out as a family, why would you purposefully exclude her?

 

You must punish her -- or rather, give her consequences for her infidelity (such as owning up to it), but what has removing her presence from a family outing got to do with her infidelity? I don't see that as fair, or as reasonable. And, while she is crying and asking for forgiveness from you now, she might come to resent you and then start rejecting you.

You want to make this effective in some way, right? I could understand kicking her out of the house if you couldn't stand her, but I cannot understand keeping her in the house, but telling her she is excluded from family outings.

 

Anyway, as far as your 5 and 8 year old children are concerned, it is good that you don't discuss their mother's affair with them, BUT I would definitely tell them something like, " Your mother and I are having some problems and we are very upset and mad at each other. But we WILL sort this out and solve our problem. Its just going to take some time. We both love you two very much, and it has nothing to do with anything you have done. It has to do with us only. But we are the adults here and we are in charge of sorting this out and I want you to know that I dont want you two to worry. "

 

I agree with being "careful", BUT, right now he has every right to be upset... They are called CONSEQUENSES.. (Athena, I am not arguing with you honey... I am projecting some inner feelings from my sitch)

Obviously right now he doesnt know if he will stay or go, nor should he. But, he is staying for now and these are the consequenses IF he should end up staying. His wife NEEDS to see the pain/anger/hurt/confusion/etc.. and also needs to see her husband (or what could become EX husband) spendnig time alone with the boys as IF it were an "every other weekend", WITHOUT her... anyway, hang in there buddy, there are alot of good folks here helping you out

[Athena]

I guess I should have been more clear by what I meant by a family outing. I will probably take them to do something that them and I would only go do together anyway.

Oh, ok... a boy's outing... fine. Yes, you need to spend some time with them, especially if they feel the tension in the house, they need to know they are not to blame, since kids being naturally egocentric often blame themselves for their parents fighting.

 

I am not a mean guy. Although I have had some harsh words for her, I won't be cruel to her.

Good -- sounds like a good balance -- you take action and dish out consequences, but are still fair and just about it. And btw -- I completely get the 'harsh words for her' -- that she does deserve some of, esp. in the beginning... because later on, if and when you decide to work on the M with her, you will not be able to do that.

 

It hasn't been all harsh words out of my mouth. As much as tried not to, I broke down this morning during a discussion and lost it. I'm not sure she has ever seen me cry over sadness before. She had a look sadness on her face like I have never seen before. I was a bit mortified that I let her see me break down but on the other hand, I think she needed to see how bad she has hurt me.

Yes! This is EXACTLY what she needs to see -- is how she has hurt you, and you can show it by exposing your hurt and sadness, and pain... not only your anger.

 

BTW...The OM told my wife this morning he told his wife last night and she will be calling me tonight to verify that he confessed to her. He told my wife she was to upset to call me last night. We shall see if he is bull ****ting me or not.

No, he is not BS'ing you -- he just needs time to get his sister convinced and willing to phone you and pose as his W.... (why would he do what he's told to do by you, when he can set up a lie and cover his a$$ ? he's an expert in lying)

[Athena]

I agree with being "careful", BUT, right now he has every right to be upset... They are called CONSEQUENSES.. (Athena, I am not arguing with you honey... I am projecting some inner feelings from my sitch)

 

Point taken! Consequences are a Good thing.... and as you say, he could be showing her how her family unit would be if divorced, she would be alone and excluded, all because of her infidelity.

[Athena]

BTW...The OM told my wife this morning he told his wife last night and she will be calling me tonight to verify that he confessed to her.

 

Um,,,, another thing --- how much longer is your W allowed to have contact with OM?

[Athena]

 

You should also consider informing HR at your wife's work place about what happend... especially that OM used to be her boss. If you really want to get even with the OM...

________________________________________

 

... but OM would be finished. No question about it.

 

 

 

With all due respect to the poster, this specific suggestion above, about exposing OM at work and getting him dismissed needs a lot of thought from you before embarking on this route. I personally would ONLY suggest it if your W and he continue with the A.

 

But, really, you would be taking away a man's earning capacity and the ability to look after his family... does he have children? Does his W work?

And -- your W went into this A willingly with him... he didn't attack her.

Please reconsider this suggestion... I wouldn't hurt him in this way. I would tell his W on him, yes. But not his work. That's just me.

[AlishaR]

me too, tell the wife urself

[boldjack]

Jimmy, An important destinction must be made here. It is more important to save your family, than to repair your marriage. Right now your family consists of your children and you. She has to earn the privilege of readmission to YOUR family.

[troubadour]

With all due respect to the poster, this specific suggestion above, about exposing OM at work and getting him dismissed needs a lot of thought from you before embarking on this route. I personally would ONLY suggest it if your W and he continue with the A.

 

But, really, you would be taking away a man's earning capacity and the ability to look after his family... does he have children? Does his W work?

And -- your W went into this A willingly with him... he didn't attack her.

Please reconsider this suggestion... I wouldn't hurt him in this way. I would tell his W on him, yes. But not his work. That's just me.

 

 

Athena... you seem to know everything so well... could you enlight me?

 

Why JimmyB should be so concerned about OM's earning capacity... is/was OM concerned about JimmyB family so much? Somehow I doubt that. He just wanted to see how JimmyB's wife looks in spread eagle position... with her legs high in the air and him trusting really deep in her. Was he really concerned with JimmyG's two small children when he was getting some mouth music from their mother. And finally... did he care so much for his own family? Somehow it is quite difficult for me to imagine that.

 

You are saying that he didn't attack her... yes, it is true. But he was her boss and it is very unlikely that she has initiated this affair. Of course, she was a willing participant... but he was her boss. He was a carefully selected individual for his job because of his ability of making right decisions. His job was to think in logical terms... not to let his penis do the thinking. He is a lability to his company... he was hired to do his job, not to f### his subordinates.

 

I work with four very attractive assistants and I don't know if it is just my imagination but at some point every one of them seemed to be interested in taking our professional relationship to another level. For me it is NO FLY ZONE despite that these women are very desirable and that I am extremaly sexual creature. My ability of reasoning doesn't seem to be too affected when I get an erection. And I am an artist and by that I am somewhat presumed to be rather light headed, right?

 

Bottom line is that he destroyed JimmyB's family. I am a peaceful person by nature... but if I ware in JimmyB's situation I would make him pay. He didn't give a flying f### about JimmyB or his children... he just wanted to f### his wife.

 

With all due respect to you and other posters... you can post your good advice all you want ( and in most cases it is a VERY GOOD advice )... but his chances of making his marriage work are about 5%.

 

The damage has been already done and there is 95% chance that his children will be growing up in broken home because of what his wife and her OM has done... and if they had a chance they would be still doing.

 

Finally... his wife is staying with JimmyB because she has no other options at this time and because she is concerned about her children. I don't believe in any sincere remorse on her part... she just got cought and she is facing a shamefull consequences of it. The commitment to make her marriage work which she has been showing since she was busted... is nothing more than just the theatrics.

 

So Athena... I really don't understand why JimmyB should be so concerned with exposing OM at his work place. It is not JimmyB... it is OM and what he has done.

[stampdaddy]

Athena... you seem to know everything so well... could you enlight me?

 

Why JimmyB should be so concerned about OM's earning capacity... is/was OM concerned about JimmyB family so much? Somehow I doubt that. He just wanted to see how JimmyB's wife looks in spread eagle position... with her legs high in the air and him trusting really deep in her. Was he really concerned with JimmyG's two small children when he was getting some mouth music from their mother. And finally... did he care so much for his own family? Somehow it is quite difficult for me to imagine that.

 

You are saying that he didn't attack her... yes, it is true. But he was her boss and it is very unlikely that she has initiated this affair. Of course, she was a willing participant... but he was her boss. He was a carefully selected individual for his job because of his ability of making right decisions. His job was to think in logical terms... not to let his penis do the thinking. He is a lability to his company... he was hired to do his job, not to f### his subordinates.

 

I work with four very attractive assistants and I don't know if it is just my imagination but at some point every one of them seemed to be interested in taking our professional relationship to another level. For me it is NO FLY ZONE despite that these women are very desirable and that I am extremaly sexual creature. My ability of reasoning doesn't seem to be too affected when I get an erection. And I am an artist and by that I am somewhat presumed to be rather light headed, right?

 

Bottom line is that he destroyed JimmyB's family. I am a peaceful person by nature... but if I ware in JimmyB's situation I would make him pay. He didn't give a flying f### about JimmyB or his children... he just wanted to f### his wife.

 

With all due respect to you and other posters... you can post your good advice all you want ( and in most cases it is a VERY GOOD advice )... but his chances of making his marriage work are about 5%.

 

The damage has been already done and there is 95% chance that his children will be growing up in broken home because of what his wife and her OM has done... and if they had a chance they would be still doing.

 

Finally... his wife is staying with JimmyB because she has no other options at this time and because she is concerned about her children. I don't believe in any sincere remorse on her part... she just got cought and she is facing a shamefull consequences of it. The commitment to make her marriage work which she has been showing since she was busted... is nothing more than just the theatrics.

 

So Athena... I really don't understand why JimmyB should be so concerned with exposing OM at his work place. It is not JimmyB... it is OM and what he has done.

 

Well, there is a BIGGER picture here... This is NOT an argument, more of just how I see it.. The damage has been done, and we all know that ALOT more damage is on the way, for BOTH households.. There also will be penalties and consequences forthcoming. Let's assume by your stats that the survival rate is 5%, which I don't doubt, the OM will more than likely lose his marriage. IF he loses his job as well, WHO does this end up hurting? HIS FAMILY, who already have enough to deal with because of this affair. Sure, OM might have a place to go, a friends, a relative, but who isn't getting Child Support? CHILDREN

[Athena]

So Athena... I really don't understand why JimmyB should be so concerned with exposing OM at his work place. It is not JimmyB... it is OM and what he has done.

 

yes, all good points you make, and I understand them.... but... I feel that taking out the 'big guns' right from the Get Go is a little extreme when it will not just hurt the OM, but an innocent wife, and very innocent children (if there are any... don't know).

I surely have a revengeful side to me (its all this Greek Gods myth stuff carried down) but I do feel for the innocent people involved. Sure -- if OM still carries on an affair and IF and only if the OP wants to continue his M and cannot get his wife to stop the affair, then sure, bring out the Big Guns as a last resort, but not as a first step, is all I am saying...

[troubadour]

Athena & Stampdaddy... I am aware of the point which you two are making... and to some degree I absolutely agree with both of you.

 

But the damage is already done and inocent people are going to suffer because of it the most... it is unfortunate but it is true. JimmyB' s wife and the OM are not going to suffer too much... let's be realistic about it. If they both valued their own marriages and families that much they wouldn't have affair.

 

My point is if someone makes a conciuos decision to f### with my life... excuse me my Franch... I will do the same with his. This is exactly what OM has done with JimmyB's life.

 

There is also one more aspect of this whole situation. I guess we could call it... dormant cuckhold husband syndrome.

 

I have a female friend who had an affair a few years back. After she was busted... like always the case... she started to work on fixing her own marriage. She claims she was really commited to making it work. Her husband also wanted to work things out... so he concentrated on just doing it. He didn't even talk to OM... he just made her call OMand tell him it was over. The problem is that as result she has lost all respect for him. On concious level she was glad that that he had not done anything in regard to OM... but on emotional one... she didn't see him as a man any more. Just a "dormant" cuckold husband who pacefully accepted that someone was sleeping with his wife. She ended up divorcing him about a year ago. So much for trying to work thing out...

[Danger]

yes, all good points you make, and I understand them.... but... I feel that taking out the 'big guns' right from the Get Go is a little extreme when it will not just hurt the OM, but an innocent wife, and very innocent children (if there are any... don't know).

I surely have a revengeful side to me (its all this Greek Gods myth stuff carried down) but I do feel for the innocent people involved. Sure -- if OM still carries on an affair and IF and only if the OP wants to continue his M and cannot get his wife to stop the affair, then sure, bring out the Big Guns as a last resort, but not as a first step, is all I am saying...

 

 

How many more families will the OM ruin before he's paid a price high enough to realize that it is wrong?

 

I agree with Troubador, take the steps he suggested. The man needs to suffer the consequences of his actions and pay the price.

[stampdaddy]

How many more families will the OM ruin before he's paid a price high enough to realize that it is wrong?

 

I agree with Troubador, take the steps he suggested. The man needs to suffer the consequences of his actions and pay the price.

 

you could also go shoot him... The OP has made the OM tell his wife, he will more than likely lose his marriage and a ton more.. But go ahead, let's conger up alot more stuff, just to make sure he "get's it", and ALL that he has coming to him.

[65tr6]

I did tell her that he will be telling his wife or I will be telling her myself. He told my wife he will tell her tonight.

 

Jimmy, I was in your shoes about 5 months ago. Lot of similarities between your case and mine.

 

BUT first, make sure you follow up with that pos that he told his wife. I will respond tomorrow am on what else you could do. Or even better call his wife yourself. Dont rely on OM to do that for you.

[Athena]

troubadour & Danger,

 

Yes, JimmyB certainly has the option of dealing with OM as harshly as he sees fit. Sometimes, however, revenge backfires (like -- perhaps HR fires both the OM AND JimmyB's W?! Or perhaps not fired, but she then becomes the subject of office gossip, and JimmyB's pride and ego of his W being badmouthed doesn't feel good to him? Oh, I don't know... )

 

But yeah, people have very different reactions to teaching someone a lesson not to 'mess with them or their family'.... and I can't blame anyone who reacts this way! THAT is yet another reason for people about to embark on an Affair to not do so -- you never know how your affair partner's spouse will react to you encroaching on THEIR M!!

 

BTW -- troubadour -- Wow about that story of the woman who dumped the dormant cuckold H!!!

[signedin2008]

You're doing pretty much everything right.

 

Make sure you talk to the OM's wife. He might have twisted the truth to her. I am a little surprised that he hasn't told his wife that you and your wife are crazy and are making things up. But, one thing for sure is that cheaters are liars in definition and I am sure he will ommit some truth or twisted it a little bit when he "confessed" to his wife.

[In Like Flynn]

Just what did the OM confess to? This is version #1. Watch out for what we call "Trickle Truth". Where more and more comes out about what happened and how many times etc. Everyone who has experiences Trickle Truth believed they knew their respective spouses were being truthful because they knew them and always could tell when they were lying. All the tears had to mean all the truth has been admitted to. But we were wrong. Especially the when the cheaters didn't confess on their own but were found out. They are two completely different types of cheaters. Beware!!!

 

P.S. Your wife and the OM during their discussion where OM was told to tell his wife...got their mutual stories straight to how many times to admit to and the whens and wheres!! Beware when the two stories are exactly alike!!

[Danger]

you could also go shoot him... The OP has made the OM tell his wife, he will more than likely lose his marriage and a ton more.. But go ahead, let's conger up alot more stuff, just to make sure he "get's it", and ALL that he has coming to him.

 

I hardly think that my suggestion is illegal, nice of you to link getting him fired to shooting him though.

 

One thing is for sure, I'd bet he'd think twice about doing that again to someone if he was given a nuclear response, and I wouldn't blame anyone that did that to him.

 

Consequences are what keep people from unacceptable behavior, take advantage of that and there may just be less of this kind of behavior from people.

[jnj express]

Hey Jimmie---hang in there, and do what you need to do for yourself, and your kids. As to whether you rehab. the mge., that is up to you. There will be no trust for years. You have to be firm about letting her know in no uncertain terms, if she even looks cross-eyed at another man her mge. is over. She is to be totally transparent, she is to account for her time away from you, and her where-abouts away from you. If she goes on errands maybe she needs to take the kids with her. She has no rights on the computer, e-mail, or cell phone. She is to be completly remorseful, she needs to help you get thru your pain spikes, and visions. Set the boundaries, and make sure she knows what they are. Down the line in a few months you can decide whether to R or D. Just take care of yourself, and your kids. The OMW needed to know, for 2 reasons to kill the A. and to know what kind of scumbag she has for a H.

[lostsunsets]

As I said, I am so sorry to hear about your wife's treachery. It would be one thing if she came to you and confessed. She didn't. She would have continued to betray you with this man as long as you didn't find out. What is the sad part now, is that you cannot cover up your anger and pain from your children. They will know. And they will wonder why dad is making mom cry. This is the horrible part, where the victim, because of his anger is perceived to be the offending party. She may not tell them specifics, but she needs to tell them that this is her fault. I don't know how you can move forward. Especially since she would have continued it had you not found out. I am glad that you separated finances. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with you money. I would also switch your life insurance to your children from her and appoint an executor to over see the moneys (possibly your parents or someone else you trust).

[In Like Flynn]

I have this a lot on various site.....betrayed spouses(usually men) are almost terrified to contact the betrayed spouse themselves. They hem and Haw about either not being able to find or talk to them or like this either tell the OM to tell his wife or have their wives do it????

 

Put yourself in the other spouses shoes....how would you like to be told? By your own cheating spouse that will trickle truth the affair or by the other spouse who will tell you the whole truth. The OM WILL NOT!!! Willing tell his wife the entire truth!! Only the bare minimum and will make your wife out as the pursuer...the agressor, and only admit to one time etc etc.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have this a lot on various site.....betrayed spouses(usually men) are almost terrified to contact the betrayed spouse themselves. They hem and Haw about either not being able to find or talk to them or like this either tell the OM to tell his wife or have their wives do it????

 

Put yourself in the other spouses shoes....how would you like to be told? By your own cheating spouse that will trickle truth the affair or by the other spouse who will tell you the whole truth. The OM WILL NOT!!! Willing tell his wife the entire truth!! Only the bare minimum and will make your wife out as the pursuer...the agressor, and only admit to one time etc etc.

 

I 100% agree...

 

OM will not tell their wives the full and unsanitized truth. Because they will want to be in a position of control because they didnt want to risk their marriage in the first place. but stupidly know that sex outside the marriage does just that.

 

It's a vicious cycle.